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Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of.

I used to be considered too nice. I was the kind of person who said sorry after every sentence. The kind of person who would offer to drive, even if I was low on gas. The kind of person who would act like my friends were right in every situation, even when it was clear they did the wrong thing. The kind of person who would avoid conflict by saying yes, by doing more for others than I ever did for myself.

I am not too nice anymore. If you act like I am inferior to you, if you treat me like crap, then I will drop you from my life without a word. I won’t give you a warning. I won’t curse you out. I will delete you from my life without taking a glance back at the damage. I am no longer willing to deal with people who fail to see my value. I am no longer accepting subpar treatment.

I am not too nice anymoreIf you need a favor from me, I will not automatically agree to help you. I have learned that I need to take care of my own mental health before I go out of my way to help others. I need to make sure that I am in a safe place. I cannot give you pieces of myself when there is nothing left to give. I cannot break myself apart so that your life is a little more convenient for you.

I am not too nice anymoreI am going to give you my honest opinion, even if it is the last thing you want to hear. I will tell you that you are an idiot for going out with that guy or for leaving that girl. I will tell you what is best for you, even though you might hate me for it. Even though I might lose you over it.

I am not too nice anymore. I only say sorry when it is the honest truth. I will not apologize when someone else bumps into me. I will not apologize for rambling during a long text to a friend. I will not apologize for speaking my mind. I will not apologize for being authentic instead of trying to blend in with the crowd.

I am not too nice anymore. I will not fill my schedule with things that I don’t want to do in the hopes of making other people happy. I will not spend chunks of my time worrying about what those people think of me. I will not give into peer pressure. I will not let others take advantage of me. I will not let them use me. I will not let them make me feel like I am lesser.

I am not too nice anymore. Because I finally see my own worth. I finally know what I deserve. I finally understand that it is not selfish to take care of myself for a change. I am finally living my life the way that I want to live it. 

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When She Loses Faith In You, It Is Over.

She’ll literally look for any excuse to not give up on you.

The thing about people with good hearts is, they believe everything you tell them. Not because they are naive or stupid, but they believe in the good in people. They want to believe everyone is as honest and genuine and has the best intentions as they do.

Even though they’ve seen the world that is opposite, they choose to see the best in people no matter how many times you let them down.

She’ll give chances until you prove her right.

They go out of their way for you and do everything they possibly can for you without thinking twice about it.

She isn’t naive as much as she has faith.

But a good heart didn’t become that way simply because it’s only known good. It’s a deliberate choice every day to go against everything they’ve seen and known.

It’s being the example they might not experience, but they believe in doing right and doing everything you can.

But even the best hearts and the best people get tired.

Their faith is tested. Their character is challenged. With everything they believe in and have followed, they begin to wonder why is the way they are when it ends with them getting hurt every time?

She doesn’t change, she’ll just let you go.

But instead of allowing others to change them, they simply let go of the person who is making them feel inadequate and not good enough. 

And it will kill her to be wrong about you.

When a person with a good heart gives up on you, it’s actually breaking their heart to walk away. They look over their shoulder in hopes they can turn back around and the next chance they give you, will be the right one.

They didn’t leave because they didn’t care they left because they couldn’t keep trying to convince you to care.

And once they realize this, once they realize they’ve done everything they possibly can for you, (which likely is more than most people in your life has done) they stop trying.

There is a fine line people with good hearts walk between trying too hard and self-respect. They respect you which is why they’ve tried so hard, but the challenge comes in respecting themselves more to just walk away.

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He Gave Me Everything I Wanted Him To.

“He will try to take away my pain and he just might make me smile. But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead.” – Taylor Swift 

When your name is brought up, it gets added to a list with many others of stories that didn’t end how I wanted them to.

When I see you, it’s this little reminder of everything I wanted in a person and came so close to getting but didn’t.

And I look at you a little longer, wondering why we couldn’t be.

And I look at your smile and it’s in those moments I know you still have me, if you chose to.

But, you never chose me. You never wanted me the way I wanted you. And I couldn’t keep trying for someone who wasn’t unsure of me, but was unsure of themselves.

If you ask me, do I still love you, the answer is yes. If you ask me, do I miss you, the answer is yes. If you ask me, do I still think of you, the answer is still yes.

But when those thoughts cross my mind and my judgment becomes cloudy and the what-ifs dance in my mind taking me away from reality, I have to bring myself back.

Then I look at him and that’s the reality. 

He’s someone I care for. He’s someone who treats me well. He’s someone who gives me everything you couldn’t.

And I don’t blame you for it. I hold no animosity towards you. I still look at you and think the world of you. But I accept the fact for reasons I might understand later, we weren’t meant to be.

Then I look at him.

And we sit across a table at a meal I know I won’t pay for. I walk through a door I didn’t have to open. I go bed at night with a text I know I’ll get and I’ll never go to bed wondering why aren’t I enough.

I won’t spend hours fixating upon how to word something, and is it wrong.

I won’t wonder how he feels every time a notification comes up, and it’s his name.

I won’t stand in the mirror for hours never feeling not pretty enough or good enough.

I won’t stare at my phone wondering why he didn’t answer.

I won’t be home alone as he cancels.

I won’t go to bed upset waking up at 2am.

I won’t ever have to try so hard, because he’s constantly going all the way.

And if you ask me do I care about him? The answer is yes. If you ask me does he make me happy, the answer is yes. He makes me laugh, smile and feel wanted and needed. He gives me a security you never were able to, as you fumbled through confusion dragging me through your own chaos.

But I’m conflicted between wants and needs. And my heart is heavy because here is someone who gives me everything I need, but I still look at you like you’re everything I want in a person.

And maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe that’s not right.

Or maybe it isn’t until you get what you deserve you stop wanting the things and people who don’t deserve you.

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The Kind Of Guy You Should Stop Waiting For.

The one who makes you feel like your love is too much.

If anyone at any moment makes you feel like what you have to give is too much, then they aren’t the ones deserving of you at your best. Let them go. Even when it hurts to do so. The right person will make you feel whole, they won’t make you work too hard to get the type of love you deserve. 

The one who makes you feel insecure.

If a guy is making you feel like you’re the one not good enough or you’re the one who has to change, change who you’re interested in. The right person will build you up and teach you to see yourself through their eyes.

The one who’s unsure of themselves.

If someone leaves you confused for any moment of the time, it’s because they are unsure of something in their own lives. And you’re going to think it has everything to do with you, and it’s you they aren’t sure of, but there’s probably something in their own life they are trying to figure out. You can’t blame yourself for any of that.

The one who makes you question yourself.

Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t spend too much time worrying about what you have to say or how to word it, don’t think one wrong move will make or break this. The right person won’t even allow any questions to cross your mind. The right person will leave you confident not confused.

The one who doesn’t answer.

Just like you’d answer every time, don’t invest time and energy in someone who doesn’t respect you enough to answer a text or a call. Choose someone who answers every time. Choose someone who calls you back immediately. Don’t wait for someone to answer. Don’t spend time looking at your phone.

If he doesn’t answer he’s sending a clear signal that he doesn’t care.

And if he doesn’t care, you shouldn’t.

The one who plays games.

The right kind of love and relationships comes with one dating rule. There are none. Don’t let someone play you. Don’t let someone mess with your head. Don’t let someone send you mixed signals. Games can only be played if someone else is partaking in it. Ending the game someone is trying to play, is how you win. 

The one who thinks you’ll always be there.

The moment he takes you for granted, stop. That moment he thinks you’re always going to be there for him, walk away. Show him what it’s like to really be without you. If he’s making you wait with the assumption you’ll always be there and he can do what he wants, don’t let him.

The right person will never make you wait because they know your value. They won’t give someone a chance to treat you better than they can. They’ll respect you.

Respecting others and hoping they respect you back is important. Respecting yourself though is most important because how you treat yourself sets the template for how others will treat you.

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You Are Blessed, Loved, And Capable.

It’s time you opened your eyes and heart to this truth.

I want you to wake up tomorrow say: “The sun is shining. I am blessed! I am loved! I am capable.

I know you can do this and truly live it. Sometimes you just need a gentle reminder.

Your heart will remind you that you are blessed. Your heart knows the full picture!

It will tell you that you have a heartbeat and that means you’re alive. And loved. And capable.

It will tell you that:

– you have eyes that see and that means you have vision. You know what’s possible. You know you can dream and have the ability to go places you only once dreamed about.

– you have legs that move you and that means you can get up and go, you can leave, you can move in any direction you want.

 you have lungs that breathe. That each breath you take is a reminder that you are alive and growing.

– you have a sense of humor, talent, creativity, imagination, love, empathy, insight. And those things bring people and experiences into your life. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, art, music, nights out, nights in, travel.

And those are pretty simple things, are they not?

Don’t you agree? Don’t you agree that you’re blessed?

But I get that there are things pulling you down in life. I get that.

But you have to believe that despite all that… not even despite it… amidst it… you are still blessed.

Those things. Those disappointments, frustrations, failures, lost relationships, lost love, feeling adrift, confusion… Those things are the very reason why I say you are blessed.

Those things are a lesson. And you’re beyond blessed to have lessons in your life.

Without lessons, you’d be nowhere and nobody. You’d have no conviction, values, vision, emotion. You wouldn’t!

You’re blessed to have lessons in life. Seriously.

You’re blessed to have lessons that remind you of who you are, of who you’ve become but don’t want to be. You’re blessed to have lessons in your life that make you realize you have bad habits, that you’ve lost your kindness, your empathy. You’re blessed to have lessons that remind you that you can and should walk away from bad habits, people and experiences.

Without them, you don’t grow.

You’re blessed to have lessons that not only remind you of who you are and who you are not… you’re blessed to have lessons that heal you!

Lessons that come after a relationship breaks you, after you lose someone you care about, after you mess up and you don’t think you’ll ever come back, after you disappoint yourself so badly you can’t even bear to look at yourself in the mirror. Those lessons heal you and for that reason, you are beyond blessed.

You are blessed because those lessons – even if they take a long time – they show you that you can come back from anything. You can find your footing again, you can find your heart becoming soft again. You can find beauty again in other people, experiences and yourself. You can fix the cracks that you once found too big to fix in your life.

The reminders are all around you. Your blessings are all around you.

Open your eyes, dude!

When you woke up this morning, the sun was shining and before you checked your phone, your email, got out of bed, looked at your to-do list… all was right in your heart.

You didn’t judge yourself just yet. You didn’t think about your day, your stresses, your frustrations, your lack of. No judgment. You were just alive. In your heart. For that moment.

But then your eyes and ears started to tell you of all the things you had to do, people you had to deal with, responsibilities, stress.

Before that the only things you heard in your heart and head was the music of being alive. And that’s the music your soul wants to hear and be reminded of.

Because if you’re honest with yourself, it’s always playing. You are blessed.

You are blessed. Loved. And Capable.

I want you to try your best to remember this truth and let that music play loud in your life.

Let that song of blessings play as loud as it can go in your heart. Let it drown out the stress of life, the things you hear and see. Those things will come up and go. They’ll be good one day and bad another. That’s life for ya.

But the blessing of life – that music – it’s here to stay. It’s here to stay for as long as you have air in your lungs and a beating heart.

And right now you have that. You woke up this morning.

– You have enough money in your pocket right now to eat today. To put a roof over your head.

 You have people in your life who care about you and you have people you haven’t even met yet who will open your heart even more, people you’re patiently waiting for.

– You have health that sustains you. You have your youth, two legs, two arms, eyes.

– You have hobbies and passions and interests that fill your heart with joy, music, movies, art, sports.

But most of all, you have the gift of that first breath you take each and every morning.

You have the gift of looking up and seeing the sunshine in your eyes.

And that is a reminder, a constant reminder that there is a kind, blessed music playing in your life every day you’re alive. It’s a music that reminds you that it’s always there for you to listen to and appreciate, you just have to look for it.

When you do that, I promise you that all those things you worry about, that weight you carry with you… those things will fall into the distance when compared to the abundance of blessings you have in your life – that you now realize you’ve always had and will continue to have.

Let’s go.

Open Topic

I Am Enough.

I am enough.

For me. For you. For anyone and everyone.

What does this mean to me?

Body positivity. I am big enough, small enough, tall enough, hairy enough, bald enough. My body is perfect the way that it is, including any current or future flaws. Everybody is just a body and they are all perfect. It doesn’t matter if I shave, or let my hair grow, it doesn’t matter what clothes I wear or if I choose to put on makeup. It doesn’t matter if my hair is long or short or nonexistent. I am enough.

I am healthy enough. Even when my weight is coming off slowly or fluctuating. Even though I can’t always make it to the top of the mountains I hike. Even though I have anxiety and IBS and high blood pressure and an underactive thyroid. I am healthy enough. I am alive, living, and striving to be better. But my health is not a barrier to my wholeness, even if I need a wheelchair or can’t eat or can’t perform sexually or I’m blind. My body is not all of me. And I am enough.

I am smart enough. It doesn’t matter how far I went in school or how many books I’ve read. It doesn’t matter how many years of experience I have under my belt. It doesn’t matter if I work at McDonald’s or if I’m a neurosurgeon. My education is mine and I don’t need to compare it to anyone else’s. I can always keep learning and growing and doing my best. I am doing my best at the profession I love and the rate of which I am doing that Is enough. My life and brain are not in a race competing with anyone. I am absolutely enough.

I am trying hard enough. I am always working on improving my life, my situations, my circumstances. Sometimes things move quickly, and sometimes things move slowly, but they’re always moving. Some days I don’t make any progress, but this doesn’t negate the fact that I am always trying. I am always trying hard enough.

I am liked and loved enough. Because people flow in and out of our lives at a continuous rate from the day we’re born to the day we die. Friendships come and go, people are born, and people pass. As long as I like myself and love myself, that will be enough. Sometimes I get lonely, and sometimes I am physically alone, Sometimes I am overwhelmed with activities and conversations. The only thing I can guarantee through my entire life is the presence of myself. I will live and love myself enough.

I am enough. There is no need to try to be some stereotypical version of perfection. Society has no influence on my worth as a person. I am not in competition with anyone. And no one can tell me that I am less than or other in any way. Everything that I am trying to do and be, I am doing and being enough. When I want to make improvements, that is my goal and responsibility. No one can make those choices for me without my consent. My happiness is 100% inside of me and I cannot get that from anyone else. I am enough for me. In every way. And being enough for me makes me enough for everyone else, and their opinions on my “enoughness” are irrelevant.

And you, YOU ARE ENOUGH.

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Things I Wish I Could Tell My Depression.

First off, how dare you rob me of what are supposed to be the best years of my life? You ruined the last few of my teenage years and you’re now ruining my life thereafter too. Please, stop robbing me of my youth, stop robbing me of the carefree person that I want to be. Let me go out to parties and bars. Let me stay out way too late and sleep in way too long the next morning.

Let me go on spontaneous adventures with my friends and make plenty of mistakes as well as plenty of memories. Stop suppressing this woman that I dream of being. I’m not going to live forever and so far, you are ensuring that they are the worst years of my life. I thought they were supposed to be the best. I won’t ever be this young again. Please stop robbing me of these years. It isn’t fair.

Second, stop ruining my friendships and relationships with people.
I understand that maybe you want to spend more time with me than I want to spend with you, but please don’t be selfish. Don’t make me stay home when friends invite me out to do things. I don’t care if you tell me that is what’s best for me ‘in the moment’ and that ‘tomorrow, you’ll let me socialize’ because every day is the exact same, no matter what you say the night before.

Thankfully, I have people in my life who are stronger than you and who care more about me than you do, and who, because of that, are willing to stand by me regardless of the hold you have on me. But I love my friends with all my heart, they keep me going, they keep me alive. They make me laugh and smile. They show me glimpses of a life without you. But then every time I come home, you’re right there waiting for me, and it’s as if I never left. And you’ll punish me for going out that one night and make me stay home for the next week to follow. Depression, please stop preventing me from socializing.

You exhaust me so much that by the time I get home from work at the end of the day, I don’t have any energy to fight you off, let alone any energy to actually go out and be a functioning human being. So I don’t. I stay home, by myself, and close myself in, isolating myself from everyone because contact with the outside world makes me so incredibly anxious and exhausted that I lose the ability to function. This is one of the ways that you bring Anxiety into our relationship Depression. You make me dread socializing and then you bring Anxiety in to make me feel worse. Sometimes, you and Anxiety work so well together that I have to turn my phone off and hide it in another room just to make it through the day.

Moving on. In the same broad category of friends, you have turned away any chance of me being with someone who makes me happy, and if I have gotten so far as to actually get involved with someone, you are very quick to ruin that for me. You are immensely unappealing luggage to carry around with me and quite frankly, people don’t want to have to shoulder the burden of you, so they avoid me all together. The fact that you follow me everywhere has ended relationships and turned people away because you are just too much for people to handle.

You make it so damn hard for me to meet, and stay with, someone.
Again, are you just jealous that I spend time with people other than you? Do you hang around me all the time just because you feel like being selfish? Stop ruining relationships. Stop ruining love that comes into my life. It makes me feel worse than I already do. I don’t appreciate you coming into relationships and being a burden to the person I’m with. It’s not very respectful of you to put yourself in front of me when I’m hitting things off with someone. Am I not allowed to be happy? Is that what it is?

Of course it is. Because if I was happy, then you wouldn’t exist.

You’ve also taken over all the hobbies I used to have and all the things I used to enjoy. I used to love to go out and make things with my own two hands. I used to love spending time with my friends and family. I used to love going on random adventures and spending time outside.

I used to love traveling. I used to love a whole bunch of things that I don’t even remember anymore. You’ve taken all of these passions for yourself.
That’s not fair. They’re not yours. Granted, I still enjoy watching Netflix. And I still love playing with my puppy. But sometimes, even those things aren’t appealing to me. You’ve taken every pleasure I had and you’re keeping them to yourself.

You’ve added things to my face and my body that make it so hard that every time I look in the mirror, all I can see are physical manifestations of you. You’ve made me dependent on very strong anti-psychotics and that’s terrifying. They have awful side effects, such as immense thirst and weight gain, and I’ll probably be on them for the rest of my life. They have made me so numb that I can’t feel anything. Yes, it’s good that I can’t feel as sad, but it’s very bad that also can’t feel any happiness or excitement or pleasure that I might have before them.

Most of all Depression, you make me isolate myself. You make me feel as though I’m not worthwhile enough for anyone’s company or attention. You make me feel as though the only person in the world who cares about me, is me. And I’ve come to believe you.

I spend the majority of my life stuck inside my own head because you have made me ashamed and embarrassed of you. You have made me feel as though I am less of a human being. You have made me feel inferior and worthless. You make me look at every other person and think ‘how on earth can I compete with them?’. Depression, you have made me believe that I am the lowest of the low. And because of this, you isolate me, hide me away from anyone but yourself. It isn’t fair.

All in all Depression, you need to fuck off. Please.
You’re robbing me of my youth and of my freedom. You’re taking away my friends and any potential romance. You’re ruining friendships and making me isolate myself. You make me feel like there is nothing in the world that is good and that there is nothing to live for. You make me feel worthless and you have given me incredibly low self-esteem. You make me so exhausted every single day that the most I can do is lie down and sleep. You make me want the day to be over before it has even begun. What kind of life is that to live?

I’m wasting my life because of you. You are making me waste my precious time here living and that makes me so mad. I fight with you every single moment of the day and we get nowhere because as much as there’ll be moments where I think I’m winning, you slip an argument in and you win and take control of me. You need to stop. I don’t want to waste my life waiting until the end of the day when I can go to sleep. I don’t want to spend my time blowing off my friends because I’m too exhausted or anxious to socialize. I don’t want to be alone all my life because you have chosen to turn every guy away from me. I don’t want to be under your control.

You have sucked all the happiness and pleasure and joy and excitement out of everything because that’s what you feed on. Your food is the happy stuff, the exciting stuff, the joyous stuff, the pleasant stuff. You need to consume all that good, wonderful stuff in order to survive. But I need all that stuff in order to survive too.

If I’m happy, you don’t survive. And if you’re happy, I don’t survive. I’ve been fighting and I’m going to keep fighting, mark my words. Only one of us wins. Only one of us gets control. And I’m begging, please let it be me.

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You Are Responsible For Your Happiness.

I cannot stress enough on the importance of making oneself happy because you are your own happiness. When you leave your happiness in someone else’s hands, you’ll end up being dependent on them and when they leave you, you’ll become empty inside. For instance, the purpose of having a better half is so that you can share your happiness with them. You’re not supposed to depend solely on them to make you happy. Instead of looking for happiness elsewhere, why don’t we all start to look for it within ourselves?

Happiness is a choice. You have the ability to control your own emotions. You get to decide if you want to stay sour and despondent forever or not. Do not let anything or anyone rob you from your own happiness. Drop the negative people and dramas in your life. Choose to do more activities that’ll bring you joy for as long they are not detrimental to your body and soul.

Happiness is acceptance. Accept you for who you are. Accept that there are things that are beyond your control. Accept the things you cannot change.

There are some things in life that are beyond your comprehension and that’s alright. You don’t need to have full knowledge of everything. Someone dear to me once said that the things you do not know cannot hurt you. So stop looking for answers to everything and adding unnecessary stress to yourself.

Happiness means to be contented in life and to never take anything for granted. It’s important to not only appreciate your possessions, but also the things you do not have. That’s because the things you don’t own could actually be beneficial to you. It’s not wrong to have dreams and aspirations in life, but don’t yearn for more than what you can handle.

Do not wait for a calamity to strike before you learn to be grateful. And remember to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you; it might be the last time you ever see them.

The next time you want to look for happiness, take a look at yourself in the mirror. That reflection is the one who is responsible for your happiness.

Of course there are times when you feel other emotions but all of that should not hinder you from experiencing joy once again because everyone deserves to be happy.  

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Deep Well Of Anger.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is probably because you have spent years telling yourself why you should not.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is not because you are filled with rage. It is because you are filled with excuses and justifications and all the words you have had to tell yourself to avoid feeling exactly the way that you feel.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is probably because someone let you down. It is probably because life fell short of the expectations you had for it. It is probably because you feel consistently nervous and uneasy. It is because you are somehow responsible for something that is out of your control.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is because you are aware of just how unfair life can be.

Sometimes, anger alerts us changes need to be made. Sometimes, it is a messenger. Sometimes, it is a cover up, a shield for the more vulnerable things we are afraid to say we have buried deep down.

But mostly, anger keeps us stuck because anger often wants us to act, when there is no action to be taken. It wants us to lash out when there is nobody to hit. It wants us to fight back when the only enemy is ourselves. 

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is not because you don’t know what to do about it. You have it because you don’t know how to just let yourself be mad. You have it because nobody has ever let you just be angry without trying to stop you, correct you, change your thinking, and set you on the right path.

So if you have a deep well of anger within you, what you need to do is to tell yourself, I am really, really angry. And I need you to say it, again and again, until it feels so true you burst out into tears and screams. I need you to settle in it, to sink to it, to let it rise and consume you, just for a moment. I need you to allow it to shake you, to move you to the point of feeling hopeless and desperate and everything you are afraid of.

And then I need you to stop every thought that tries to correct you, every inclination that tries to tell you why you shouldn’t feel that way. You already know you shouldn’t feel that way, that’s why this is still a problem. You need to just let yourself be mad, for as long as you need to be mad.

Write it all down, all the ways life robbed you of a bit of your joy. And every time you do, I need you to nod and say, that is a terrible thing I went through, and anyone in my circumstance would feel equally as enraged. I need you to tell yourself the words that the world won’t tell you. I need you to say to yourself now everything you needed to hear then. You are supposed to be angry when you find yourself in situations that are genuinely maddening and unfair. 

I need you to let that deep well of anger diffuse slowly. Because if you do not give it an outlet, it will leak out on its own, but instead of through your tears and words and the quiet solitude of your own bedroom, it will leak onto your relationships, into your job. If you do not give it a place to breathe, it will bleed out onto everything that you love and value in your life, and you cannot let it do that.

So be angry. Be angrier than the world ever gave you permission to be. Be angry for as long as you need to. Be angry every time your anger comes back up again. Do not tell yourself why you shouldn’t, tell yourself why you should. 

Because the more honestly and radically and often you do this, something miraculous is going to start to happen. It is going to pass on its own. Effortlessly, and without much intervention. Within minutes, sometimes seconds, your thoughts will divert to something else and you’ll forget. You’ll suddenly feel sad then disappointed and then you’ll be at the real root of the feeling. And when you let yourself feel that completely? Clarity will come, without you having to try to make it come.

You will see the situation in a light you never have before. You will be overcome with forgiveness. You will accept that it happened, but it is not happening now, and does not have to happen again. You will grieve for the person you were, and hope for the person you are becoming. You will have new eyes, an open heart. You will understand in a way you never have before.

Most people try to shortcut the system. They try to rush to the wisdom and clarity and peace without doing the dirty work, without emptying the well. If you are angry, you have to give yourself permission to feel angry, for as long as you need to feel it.

All of those things you crave? They’ll blossom on their own. But only once you give yourself permission to feel what you really feel, without justifications, without intermissions, without excuses, without reasons, without correction. Feel what it is that’s lingering within you, because that deep well of anger? It’s in place because you’ve capped it off. Let it out, and let yourself breathe.

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Numb.

When you go through hardships in your life, you might wish you were numb. You might wish you could turn your emotions off like a faucet so the tears and the stomachaches would disappear for good. So you could finally feel okay again.

But anyone who has actually experienced numbness before will tell you that feeling nothing is just as horrible as feeling too much.

When you are numb, everything seems pointless. You don’t have a reason to wake up in the morning. You will force yourself to show up at work and talk to friends and shower, but none of it will feel worth it. You will feel like you’re in a haze, mechanically doing things because you have to, because it’s expected of you, not because it’s what you actually want to do.

When you are numb, every week will feel exactly the same. You will feel like you aren’t getting any closer to your destination, because you won’t be looking forward to anything. Of course, you won’t be dreading anything either. You’ll just be there. Existing. 

When you are numb, you will do anything to feel again. You might take drastic measures, ones your family won’t understand. You might drink until you black out. You might dabble with drugs. You might cut yourself. You might throw yourself into a toxic relationship because you would rather scream and fight and cry all night long than spend your free hours in bed, staring at the ghost white ceiling.

When you are numb, you want to feel human again and there’s nothing more human than fucking up your entire world. That is why you do such stupid things. That is why you choose self-destruction over self-love.


It’s hard to love yourself when you’re questioning whether you have a heart at all.

It’s hard to love yourself when you have stopped loving everything, even the things you used to be excited about.

When you are numb, you will spend most of your time wondering whether you will ever feel again, and the answer is yes. You will. 

You will feel happy again. You will smile without forcing it. You will laugh without effort. You will be excited about your future. You will be angry, disappointed, jealous, joyful, hopeful and proud.

One day, not too long from now, you will feel again. But hurting yourself isn’t going to thaw your numbness. Your answers aren’t at the bottom of a bottle or on the edge of a razor blade.

If you want to help yourself, the best thing you can do is talk to your loved ones. Visit a therapist your insurance covers. Join a free support group on Facebook. Call a hotline. Text a friend.

Do something different, something productive, because the self-destructive acts you’ve been practicing up until now haven’t been helping. 

Even though you’re doubtful right now, you won’t feel numb forever. This feeling will go away eventually, but you might as well help it along. You might as well make an effort to save yourself.

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When You Are Feeling Down on Life.

When you’re feeling down on life, I hope that you can still find hope in the little things. I hope you can still fathom up a smile when your best friend tells you a funny story. I hope you can still see the color of the beautiful fall leaves even when the rest of the world feels so grey. I hope you can still look in the mirror and see that you look gorgeous, despite how tired and down you may be feeling. I hope you can still have the courage to show up for the day, and I hope you can find that if you do show up, you will be greeted with love and support.

When you’re feeling down on life, I hope you can be gentle with yourself. I hope you can remember that you have a sensitive heart and that a sensitive heart must be cared for with kindness. Even though you’re feeling down on life, I hope you can still nourish your body with comforting foods and warm lavender bubble baths. I hope you can see yourself as you would see a friend, vulnerable and in need of loving, caring arms.

When you’re feeling down on life, I hope you can remember that life comes in seasons, and seasons always change with time. I hope you can accept that at times life can feel a little loving, and at times life can feel a little less nurturing. Yet I hope you understand that this too will pass. And I hope you can still find some form of peace with the current season, knowing that you are strong enough to make it through.

When you’re feeling down on life, I hope you can still remember that the little things really do matter. I hope you find joy in the new book you are reading, and I hope you find energy in your morning walk. I hope you can slow down when you drink your coffee, and remind yourself that you are doing okay. I hope you can get dressed in clothes that you feel comfortable in, and I hope you can smile, almost genuinely, at the person you pass in the elevator. And when you are feeling lonely, I hope you can remember that even when you are feeling unloved and lonely, you are truly surrounded by love; so much love.

When you’re feeling down on life, I hope you can still feel the gentle kindness of all of the little moments that make you feel less alone. I hope you can look to your memories, and remember all of the times you felt loved and comforted. I hope you can remember the times when you were little, when you sat in the car with your family and watched the raindrops splash on the windows, feeling thankful to be warm and cozy in the backseat. I hope you can remember playing board games with all of your cousins, after eating delicious pie for dessert.

And in the present, I hope that even when you are overwhelmed, you can sit on the couch with your best friend and watch a tv show together, knowing that it’s okay to be quiet and calm and that not all quality time depends on the conversation. I hope that you can cuddle with a blanket and your puppy, and remember that some things in life are so worth loving.

When you’re feeling down on life, I hope you can accept that feelings come and go and that even this feeling, no matter how hard, is fleeting. I hope you know that it’s okay to feel down and that you do not need to feel guilty for how you are feeling. I hope you can let this feeling come and go, and know that very soon life will be lighter once again.

But until then, I hope you continue to love yourself even when life is a little dreary.

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Quit.

I hope you find it in your heart to muster the strength to quit that relationship that isn’t going anywhere. Quit the person who I know you don’t want to give up on. Quit the attention you give to someone else who doesn’t care to give you theirs. Quit the person who doesn’t respect you enough to even answer. Quit settling. Quit thinking you can love someone into liking you. 

I hope you quit your past and stop letting it dictate your future. I hope you quit holding onto your mistakes and not giving yourself the forgiveness you deserve. 

I hope you quit holding onto your ex because they are an ex for a reason. Quit turning to them when you’re lonely because it’s better to be alone than be in the wrong company.

I hope you quit answering that text at 3am or answering the person who only texts you when they are bored. 

Quit everything and everyone in your life who doesn’t deserve you.

I hope you find the courage to quit dating if you aren’t ready and take time learning to love yourself and learn what you want in life. 

I hope you finally decide to quit hating yourself. I hope you quit trying to change who you are to appease others. I hope you quit looking at your reflection in the mirror and telling yourself you aren’t great. 

I hope you quit lying to yourself. Whatever that lie may be that’s on repeat in your brain. 

I hope you finally find the courage to quit the job you hate. Quit the people who are taking advantage of you. Quit doing something that makes someone else happy and go find something that makes you happy. Quit living according to someone else’s standard and go create your own. 

Quit killing yourself to make someone else’s life easier, because I know what it’s like to be miserable and be busting your ass when you know in your heart something isn’t right.

Quit adding unnecessary pressure to your life. Quit comparing yourself to others and thinking you need to be where they are. Quit thinking you are in a rush to get somewhere. 

Quit the path you aren’t happy walking on.

Quit living someone else’s life. Quit living someone else’s dream. Quit that voice inside your head that tells you, “that idea won’t work or it’s crazy.” Do it anyway. 

I hope you quit holding things off until tomorrow. I hope you quit saying, “you’ll be happy when.” Quit thinking you don’t deserve happiness right now and go out and get it.

I hope you quit trying to be normal and find the courage to go off the path a little, even if you don’t have a plan or know where you are going. 

I hope you quit your fears and do that thing that scares you. Go to that place, meet those people, get on that plane and quit thinking you need to come back. 

I hope you quit the bad company. Quit the people who tell you, you can’t and surround yourself with those who encourage and motivate you. Quit those who aren’t bringing you to the next level. Quit the people who aren’t making you the version of yourself you want to be. 

Quit thinking you don’t deserve the best of everything.

Quit pushing that one person or thing away because you’re afraid to be happy. Quit thinking you’re better off alone because this life wasn’t meant to be lived by yourself. You were meant to share in all the great moments and not be met with loneliness. 

Quit running from that person you know loves you because you’re scared of not being able to reciprocate it. Go get what you deserve. 

I hope you quit unhappiness. Quit depression. Quit negative people. Quit doing everything you are doing that isn’t bringing you ultimate happiness.

Quit before it’s too late. 

Quitting something doesn’t make you weak. Staying does.

Staying the path is easy. Routine is easy. Losing yourself to something that doesn’t make you happy happens every day. Then next thing you know, years have passed and you wonder where the time went.

Do not settle. In life. In your career. In your relationships. In love. I’ll say it again, do not settle. 

I hope you find the type of courage inside yourself to quit. 

Quit until you are living the type of life that gives you a reason to put two feet on the ground in the morning. 

Quit until you are doing something that makes you not want to sleep at night because the reality you created is better than any dream. 

Be sure to look back at your story and remember the day you starting living was the day you quit.


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Strong Hearts.

She is strong because she’s been weak.

Anyone who has been that strong can think back to a reel of moments where they completely broke down and fell apart. It’s the moments where they were on the bathroom floor in tears hitting rock bottom in black tears, they never want to live that again. 

And she’s learned.

After moments like that, she has no other choice but to be more cautious when it comes to love. That’s why strong hearts are also the most guarded.

She doesn’t need you…

She learned long ago not to need people. She’s become the only person she does need and has few people she truly can count on. 

…She wants you.

There is value in the girl with a strong heart choosing you. She’s painfully selective when it comes to those she wants in her inner circle. 

She won’t give up on you.

If you give her a reason to have faith in you, she’ll follow that. A girl with a strong heart will believe in you more than she believes in anyone. 

You’re more afraid of her than she is of you.

She’s the girl you know might be good for her but there’s something intimidating about her in the way she carries herself. It’s easier to push her away than accept the amount of love she has to give. 

She’ll look you in the eyes and lie.

And if you hurt her, she won’t talk about it. She won’t try to make you feel bad. She won’t have anything bad to say behind your back. She’ll still look at you with a smile and what will hurt more is, knowing you might have hurt someone who would never do the same. 

She’ll try to make you smile even if you’re hurting her.

The girl with a strong heart can look at the person who broke it in the eyes and still try to make them happier and make their life better. A girl with a strong heart is selfless and will always put others first. She knows when you care about someone, sometimes their happiness doesn’t include you and it’s okay. 

You won’t see her cry.

It’ll be when she’s home alone, she allows every wall to come down in a flood of tears. She’ll cry herself to sleep, then she’ll wake up and be the that strong girl everyone knows and admires. She’s a little too good at being so strong. It’s those battles you don’t know she fights is what makes her beautiful. 

She’ll give her undivided attention even when you don’t.

Girls with strong hearts don’t treat people the way they are treated. They treat people how they want to be treated. And you may call her weak for tolerating the unkindness and disrespect that people show her, but she knows how someone treats her isn’t a reflection of her but rather a reflection of the person. 

She’ll always be brutally honest.

She’ll tell you everything straight up. She won’t hold back. Even when something hurts she’ll be the one to say it. She knows it hurts more to be comforted with bullshit and be hurt with the truth. 

She’ll understand even if she doesn’t like the outcome.

If you hurt her, she’ll put her feelings aside. She’ll try to understand. She’ll even try to be there for you. She gets it. If there is one thing a girl with a strong heart understands, it’s pain, and knowing sometimes things don’t work out. And she has no hard feelings about it. 

You won’t change her.

She might love too loudly and live too boldly but no matter who hurts her or how bad she doesn’t turn cold or stop believing, love won’t be hers to have one day.

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What Loneliness Feels Like.

Loneliness is a dark place. It’s like sitting in a room at night by yourself and feeling like this is eternity. It’s like being in a place with a thousand people but feeling invisible to every one of them. It’s like walking on a path without any directions, without any idea when it will end. Loneliness is feeling like you are meant to suffer alone; loneliness is suffering alone.

Loneliness is unnatural; human beings are to be in relationships. Loneliness is fear; there is no freedom in it. Loneliness is anxiety; worry its sister, uncertainty, its friend. Loneliness is endless wonder about endless wondering. Loneliness is cold with no hope for warmth but it is also unbearable heat. Loneliness is an awful paradox.

Loneliness is drowning in a sea or in a crowd of people. It is believing that your existence is insignificant; it is believing that you are meaningless to anyone and anything. Loneliness is tragedy; it is heartbreak and hardship and hurt. Loneliness is being covered in open wounds and scars that never heal. Loneliness is shame.

Loneliness is misery and sorrow; it is grieving with no hope. Loneliness is blinding and deafening. Loneliness is feeling unable. It is feeling discarded, unwanted, and unloved. Loneliness captivates nothing and no one. Loneliness is a bad dream but you cannot be awoken, you do not see the light of day.

Loneliness constricts the heart. Loneliness cripples the body and the mind and the soul. Loneliness is unconscious and numb. Loneliness is endless tears for change – any change that will tell you that you are alive. Because loneliness is dying at every moment; loneliness is death.

Loneliness – flee from it. Flee from it always.

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What Depression Tells You.

Depression tells you, you’re alone.

It tells you, no one likes you.

Depression tells you, everyone you care about is going to leave.

It tells you, this is your fault.

Depression tells you, you’re a burden.

It tells you, you don’t deserve what you want and might never get it.

Depression convinces you to hate yourself.

While trying to tell you everyone else does too.

Depression tells you, you’re doing something wrong.

It’s something you should be able to fix.

Depression leaves you crying alone for reasons you don’t even understand.

It tells you, ‘look how happy everyone else is’ in as you scroll through a news feed.

Depression keeps you up late at night unable to sleep.

Then you wake and struggle to function through a day.

Depression is forgetting normal things like basic necessities.

Then next thing you know, you don’t even remember the last time you ate.

Depression asks you if it’s worth it.

It tells you, you are a failure regardless of what you’ve achieved.

Depression is that state of exhaustion that begins to feel normal.

It tells you to give up and stop trying.

Depression makes you feel like you aren’t a good person.

It tells you, you don’t have friends.

Depression makes you feel like there’s a part of you that is missing.

So seek to find anything that will make you whole or numb.

Depression is that cloud hovering over you, you don’t think will go away.

But most of all, depression lies and it’s job to not believe it. 

What depression doesn’t tell you is, you are loved. You are needed. You are wanted. And it will get better.




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What Heartbreak Actually Is.

Heartbreak is that moment you wake up between a dream and real life and for a brief second, you forget your pain. Then your eyes open and it hits you like the wind has been knocked out of you and need just one breathe.

It’s reaching for your phone and remembering when they used to be every morning text telling you, you’re beautiful. You look at a blank screen and there’s a bit of pain because you wake up to silence and are forced to just carry one. 

It’s looking at your reflection, where it was once with eyes of admiration, you find yourself fixating upon flaws and picking yourself apart. There’s a shift in you, where there used to be confidence, you now doubt yourself and wonder why weren’t YOU good enough that he stayed.

It’s going places alone and wondering about plans, where in the past you always knew you had someone to hang out with. Now you find yourself fidgeting in a crowd, wondering who to talk to because there is no one there who you can retreat in moments of discomfort. 

It’s people asking what happened and you still don’t know. Because you’re still trying to understand it yourself.

And being in public you try to play it off like it isn’t killing you but in everywhere you go and in everyone you see, you wish it were them and they were right there with you. 

It’s breaking down in private because you’ve been strong for too long. 

It’s looking back at pictures and conversations you know you shouldn’t, but you’re just struggling to understand how you went from ‘I love you’ and talk of forever, to strangers who haven’t spoken in days or weeks. 

And you replay it all in your mind, wondering if there is a detail you’ve missed but suddenly this past and these memories that used to make you smile now hurt you to think about. And you have them on replay in your mind because you don’t want to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. Yet everything about them is fading. 

Heartbreak is getting that plus one to a wedding and not knowing who you’re going to take.

It’s that sweatshirt you can’t seem to throw away even though you know you should. 

It’s the jewelry you can’t take off even though it might be for the best. 

Heartbreak are the pictures you keep looking at and that moment that leaves you in tears when they untag themselves. 

It’s watching their stories on snapchat, remembering when you used to be a part of it. 

It’s sending something that they don’t answer and a silence that breaks your heart. 

It’s watching them across Instagram and Facebook and wondering who they are with now. 

It’s wanting to like something but knowing you shouldn’t. 

It’s their name appearing on your screen with a simple like, and your heart drops for a moment and you’re conflicted because you’re glad they did but you wish they didn’t.

It’s something good happening and wanting to share it with them like you used to and regardless of how great the news is, there’s sadness because you can’t tell the only person you want to. 

It’s the tears you cry in the girl’s bathroom when you’ve had one drink too many. 

It’s the text you shouldn’t send. The call you shouldn’t make but your heart is in pieces so you don’t care in that moment.

It’s that moment you see them out and you try to act like it isn’t bothering you, when everything about their presence is infecting you. 

It’s that moment you see them with someone else whether it’s in person or someone new on their Facebook and your heart sinks because they beat you to moving on. 

It’s smiling and laughing louder than you mean to, all the while you’re wondering “do you miss me too?”

It’s the awkward small talk where words are being said but no one is speaking. Because the only real thing you’d like to know is, why did they do this to you? And why did you deserve it? 

Heartbreak is the loneliness of going home alone and the even lonelier moment when you don’t.

Heartbreak is cursing off love, but entirely swearing you won’t ever fall again.

It’s knowing the only person who can fix this is the same one who caused you such pain. 

Heartbreak is that moment you wake up and you don’t cry for the first time in a while. 

It’s slowly getting into the routine of having a life without them. 

It’s putting your heart back together and feeling like you can do this. 

Heartbreak is that moment you meet someone, but then suddenly your phone goes off and it’s them. Everything comes back to you all at once and again you are gasping for a breath because why did they have to come now? 

It’s that moment you meet with them and they come bearing an apology you’ve waited months for. It’s hearing them want you back. Only those words coming out now aren’t what you built them up to be in your head, because it doesn’t make you feel better. Things don’t go back to normal. You realize in that moment they never will be because it’s too late.

And in the process of you putting your own heart back together, you realize you don’t need someone to break your heart to realize your value. You need someone who can value you without heartbreak being a factor.

It’s in that moment you walk away with your head higher than ever because for the first time in awhile, you feel okay without them. For the first time you realize, you’re going to make it.



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Depression On A Bad Day.

“You seem a lot happier than me,” he said. 

“I have my fair share of bad days but I don’t show people that.

Depression lingers. It isn’t always there. He haunts you like a shadow creeping behind your every move. It’s there to remind you on the best day of your entire life, depression will deliberately make the following day your worst.

Depression are the lies it tries to get you to believe about your life. It infects every bit of you like a self-fed poison you can’t even control.

So if you ask me what a bad day is like, this is what I’ll tell you. 

It’s laying in bed unable to sleep as thoughts rush through my mind. It’s with every passing hour thoughts get darker and I’m turning into the version of myself I hate. I contemplate life and if I’m living it to the fullest. Questions run through my mind do I matter? Do people care? Because when you’re asking pressing questions at 2am there isn’t a moment you feel lonelier.

And it’s getting late and my eyes hurt from being open and crying, but my brain won’t shut off.

Then finally exhaustion beats my internal battles and I fall asleep only to wake up moments later. I’m still tired. I’m always tired. And I reach for my phone and another night with four hours of sleep will do.

But I don’t want to get up, I just want to lay there. I question what’s the point? I question am I happy? I question do I like who I’m becoming? I question my job and my relationships and my family? I tell myself I am a burden to those I love and my mind in a depressed state on my bad days believes it.

It’s being emotionally exhausted and how do you explain that to someone?

It’s walking into work on a really bad day and I say a ‘bad day’ without anything bad even happening, sometimes you just wake up and you know it’s going to be one of those days that tests you.

And the kindness of a co-worker is the smallest light that helps me on those days.

It’s the conversation I have with my best friend when I tell him I’m not myself today that something is off. And instead of trying to fix it because there is nothing someone can say to fix depression. Instead, he says “we’ve gotten through the other bad days, this one is no different.”

Depression on a bad day is that moment I break down in private for no reason at all and I feel a sense of guilt for not being stronger or being able to control this thing.

It’s looking at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and hating what I see. It’s questioning who I am. Because depression tells me, I’m not great. I’m lying. It tells me I’m not pretty enough. It tells me I won’t succeed. No one cares. And it’s a silent voice that taunts me.

A bad day are those moments where I physically can’t move and I just lay there for hours.

It’s disregarding every basic necessity and someone having to ask me did I eat today? But on bad days, I forget.

It’s the weight loss people will commend me for or the weight gain they notice immediately. Every bad day or consecutive bad days comes in the form of everything unbalanced.

It’s reaching for anything to numb my pain even though I know it’ll make it worse and I shouldn’t on those bad days.

Depression on a bad day is reaching for anyone of anything that keeps me afloat when it feels like I’m drowning. But at the same time, I don’t want to feel like a burden to my loved ones. Even though it’s them that keeps me going.

It’s the smile, hug, and conversation from the guy who has a piece of my heart and on every bad day, he’s what I look forward to.

It’s the time I know I’ll spend with my family soon, and even though I don’t say it often, I love them

It’s the time I’ll spend with friends even though depression tries to convince me I don’t have any.

It’s the want and need to lift others up and make them feel better because that’s what beats a bad day. 

It’s every picture I look back at when I’m alone. And everyone always asks me why I take so many pictures in moments where I’m truly happy.

A bad day doesn’t last forever, this I know. But those bad days have a way of testing everything about me. But I know the truth.

I know depression is a lie trying to make me believe these false realities.

And on those bad days, I know it’ll be a battle very few see, but it’ll be one I never stop fighting because while the bad days make me feel like everything in my life is horrible, it makes me appreciate every good day even more.


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Do Not Play His Game.

“You make it way too easy for him, you know?” my brother said as we left the bar. 

And he was right. 

I was painfully easy to read to a point it might have been a flaw. I couldn’t control my facial expressions or tone in moments of disappointment if I tried.

I was unapologetically myself, it might have made me look bad. 

But if the worst thing someone could say about me is that I feel things too deeply, I care too much and I’m not afraid to show it, I think more people should follow my poor example.

I could tell you everything you’re supposed to do…

1. Ignore him.
2. Delay your response in a text.
3. Try to make him jealous.
4. Be a bitch.
5. Give him a taste of his own medicine.
6. Be the one that cares less.
7. Confuse him a bit.
8. Don’t try so hard.
9. Make it a game that’ll he’ll lose. 

Those are probably all really good things to follow if you think dating should be a game. If you play by these rules, the game of cat and mouse will be a tedious one that includes running in tireless circles.

But the thing is, regardless of how ‘good’ you might be at the dating game, the person that gets remembered most isn’t the best player, but rather the one who doesn’t play at all. 

What will separate you from others isn’t your ability to be coy in every move. What will separate you from others and what guys will remember isn’t the girl who played hard to get, but rather the one who played according to her own rules.

The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, even if she shouldn’t have is who he remembers. The one who was painfully honest and built others up saying exactly how she felt. The girl who didn’t give up on the guy who constantly let her down. The girl who stood there holding back tears in her eyes with one conversation and instead of cursing him off the way he might have deserved, she handled it with grace and didn’t allow the circumstance to say something she might have regretted.

This is the girl who walked away with no unkindness, and no resentment and this is the type of girl people regret letting go. This is the type of girl people hate themselves for hurting.

This is the type of girl who hears everything she’s ever wanted just a few years too late. But this is the type of girl that guys don’t forget.

If you want to be remembered and if you want to be that girl he regrets, don’t play his game.

Because I can tell you from first-hand experience, I could have cursed people off. I could have given them a taste of their own medicine. I could have hooked up with their best friend out of spite. I could have ignored his texts or calls. I could have played it like I didn’t care but none of those things are me.

Treating someone the way they treat me just so I can get the upper hand, doesn’t make me look at my reflection confidently. What does though is being the example they should follow in how you treat someone.

Because there is nothing better than sitting across the table from the person you loved with everything you had, and hearing them say you deserve better. 

There is nothing better than receiving a hand-written letter from the same person who made your life hell and reading, “I’m the person I am because of you.”

There is nothing better than walking with someone who used to give you butterflies with a simple look and hearing them say, “if I could go back in time I would have changed everything and if I could now I’d choose you.”

There’s nothing better than talking to that one person and you leaving them speechless simply because you were yourself.

There is nothing like the self-respect of walking away with your head high not because you were better than every other girl, but the confidence in knowing you didn’t even have to compete with them at all.

Girls play games and compete with one another. Women don’t.

Playing that dating game might ensure you don’t get hurt as often. It might teach you to be guarded and protect yourself. It might help you to be as cold as others and you might think you have the upper hand. But the dating game won’t lead to love.

Fucking with people just so you don’t get fucked will end with you being alone anyway because you’ll be so worried about every move and every word, the relationship will fade out and you’ll be just another name on a list he forgets.

But if you want to be remembered, if you want to be the person he regrets, that requires you to put everything you’ve been told aside and follow what feels in your heart to be right.

Maybe dating is a lot more simple than we make it out to be, and maybe everyone has forgotten that. 


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When A Good Heart Gives Up On You.

This is the honest truth about people with good hearts…

I will always forgive you if you say sorry.

And sometimes I might even forgive you when you don’t.

I’ll give you a million chances. 

Just so you can prove that I was right about you.

I’ll believe every lie and excuse you tell me.

And I’ll even make up excuses for you sometimes.

If I decide I care about you, I will give you 100%.

I won’t meet just meet you halfway and hope you’re there.

I will go anywhere and do anything for you.

I won’t give up on you even if you give me every reason to.

Give me a bad person and I’ll tell you they are misunderstood.

And I will find good in them because I try to find good in everyone.

I will put you first even before myself sometimes.

And in those moments where I’m lifting you, you won’t see that I might be drowning under the surface.

The word ‘busy’ isn’t one I know. 

I will always try to be there.

I will always strive to never let you down.

Even if that means going well out of my way for you, I will.

I will always make time for you even when you might not do the same.

I will always keep my word.

And I’ll always be someone you can rely on.

I don’t say things I don’t mean.

And I’ll always be honest with you.

I’m not afraid to care. I’m not afraid to show it. I’m not afraid to be sensitive.

I won’t make you work for my time, attention or love.

Because I don’t think those things are something you have to work for.

It’ll come very easily.

If you are good to me, I’ll be even better.

If you’re bad to me, I won’t treat you the same way.

I’ll love you deeply because I think you deserve it.

But if ever there’s a day a good heart like mine becomes tired and I can’t keep trying anymore, that’s it.

And it’ll break my heart to walk away from someone I care for.

But everyone has their breaking point.

And I might love freely and care too much, but I’m no fool.

And it might take me a while but the day a good heart gives up on you, should be the day you fear most.

Because on that day, you will have missed out on the rarest person you’ll come across in your life. 




Open Topic

Losing A Dog.

It’s the look of sadness in their eyes because you both know their time here is coming to an end. 

Their food has been untouched for days and they are walking a little slower and they are sleeping a little more. You hold them wanting to take their pain away, knowing the hardest decision you have to make is for the best. 

It’s the goodbye you wish you didn’t have to say and the tears you can’t control.

It’s looking down at this animal and a flood of memories flash through your mind of the first time you got them, to every moment they were apart of over the years. 

How easily they became part of your family.

There isn’t anyone you love more and it’s interesting really how someone who couldn’t speak still had the ability to love. 

Through dogs, we learn to love aren’t words said but simple gestures.

It was in moments of pain they sensed it and loved you.

It was in moments of sickness they laid by you not leaving your side

It was in moments of danger they protected you.

It was in moments of anger they made you smile. 

It was in moments of loneliness they gave you company. 

Losing a dog is like losing a family member. 

Then you go home without them and you know something is missing. 

It’s the greeting you no longer get when you enter the house. 

It’s that empty feeling like the house is too big without them. 

It’s the morning wake-up call you don’t get anymore. 

Or the interruptions while sleeping you miss.

It’s the sound of their collar that grows silent and the uncomfortable quietness of a house. 

It’s a house a little cleaner when you’d take a mess if it meant having them back. 

It’s the bed you can’t seem to throw away yet. 

Or collar you hang onto. 

The toys that sit untouched for weeks.

And the hair you still find on your clothes. 

It’s the leash you no longer need but can’t throw away. 

And the tears you cry and missing someone who took up all of your heart.

And unless you have a dog, it’s hard to explain to people this relationship and this connection.

But I think the reason dogs live shorter than people is because they know something that takes us our entire lives to learn. They know unconditional love is the most important part of life. And it’s through losing them we learn that a little bit because even in their absence there isn’t a love more strong and honest than between a person and their dog.

And while it hurt to lose them, you know you’d take having a dog to love and love you back, over never having them at all.




Open Topic

What My Partner Needs To Know About My Anxiety.

It seems weird telling you this because it isn’t something I like talking about. It isn’t something I completely understand. And it’s something I learn more about each day, through my own life and my own research. Let me start by saying I am no expert in the field. I don’t know if this is what everyone experiences but this is what I deal with. 

This is what I live with and while most of the time it’s going to seem I have it all together and things are fine, there are going to be moments where I break down for no rhyme or reason.

There are moments you are going to have to pick me up off the floor crying because something went wrong. There’s going to be moments where you can’t fix this thing I’m dealing with and just like the way I have to deal with it, it’s something even if I don’t want you to that you are going to have to deal with too.

You won’t notice a lot of things at first. What you will notice are the cuts around my fingers, the scabs I try to hide on my lips when you kiss me, the biting of my nails and the foot tapping.

You’ll watch me pace around before we have to be somewhere and constantly look at the clock.

You’ll see me look at my phone every few minutes wondering why so and so hasn’t answered. It’s not just an individual or you I wonder about or sent multiple texts to, it’s everyone.

You’ll notice how I can’t sleep through the night and how I toss and turn most of the time to a point where it might wake you up.

Those are the things you notice in the beginning.

As you get to know me, at first you’ll admire my work ethic and accomplishments. It’ll be something you try to keep up with. It’ll be something you’re proud of. 

But the dark truth behind such success isn’t striving to be my best, but rather a lie I’m praying doesn’t become reality. And that lie tells me, I’m going to fail. I’m going to get fired if I’m not number one. I’m going to let people down if I don’t pull this off. On the surface, I’ll be calm but under that is a feeling of inferiority of never being good enough and that comes out in the form of taking on too much sometimes.

In the beginning, you’ll see how important my relationships are to me. As you get to know me you’ll watch as I invest a lot into others and overcompensate.

And you might tell me, “that person might not do the same for you, why are you trying so hard?” The truth is I will always give more than I’m getting. And I’d love to say it’s because I’m a good person but the truth is, it stems from an insecurity of people leaving and me wanting to prevent that.

In regards to our relationships, you might feel a sense of guilt for all I do. I’ve had people tell me to do less, stop trying so hard. But it is in my nature to do those things. And instead of trying to change that, accept it and know everything I do for you, I’m happy about and you don’t owe me anything.

As you get to know me, you’ll notice I turn back around often before we leave just to ensure everything is locked. You’ll hear me question and doubt myself multiple times, wondering if I turned something off or left it on. What you won’t see are the images of the worst case scenario playing out in my mind of what could happen.

The words “what if” are devil things that dictate my life.

As you get to know me more, you’ll notice I do a double take in every mirror. You’ll notice how I hate every picture we take. You’ll watch me change outfits multiple times before going out and I’ll ask your opinion, but I’m not really listening or believing what you say.

As you get to know me, you’ll realize how fixated I am about flaws you might not even notice. As good enough as I might be for you, I’m not good enough for myself and these unrealistic standards I have for the life I’m living.

No matter what you tell me, I’ll never feel good enough. And that anxiety comes out in the form of perfectionism. It’ll come out in moments where I break down because I’m second or I’ve messed up.

As we talk more, you’ll listen as I play out scenarios in my head and possible reasons my best friend might be mad at me. And it might be nothing. In fact, most the time it’s nothing.

But in moments after I might have messed up or I might not hear from someone in a while, my first thought is going to be, “it’s me that did something wrong.” I always try to fix problems I create myself.

In regards to our relationship, we might fight. Most the time it’ll come out in the form of something I’m insecure about. And I know it makes me seem unattractive. But if you can work with me through it, we can make this thing work.

Over-explain everything. This is where you are, this is what you’re doing, this is why you didn’t answer. To you, it might not seem like much, but to me it’s everything.

My lack of trust isn’t towards you but rather a history I fear will repeat itself. I’m going to do everything very cautiously when it comes to us.

My anxiety stems from a lot of things in my past I don’t want to be my future. And I know I cannot blame you for that or hold it against you, you should know this is why I am the way I am. And I’ve been this way for a while.

In time as you get to know me more, you’ll see first hand the over-analyzing, the overthinking and situations played out from every angle.

As you get to know me more, you’ll see me smile across the room and you’ll know something is wrong. You’ll see me standing there calmly engaging in conversation fidgeting with my ring and you’ll see something no one else does.

When we are out or drinking the night will play out in one of two ways, I’ll either be fine or I will be so uncomfortable in public I’ll choose to leave or pick my poison in the form of hard alcohol. At first, it’ll seem fine and I’m finally talking and engaging in conversation, then it won’t be and you’ll be the one helping me into a cab.

Regardless of how the night plays out, I’ll wake up the next day really embarrassed and really sorry.

Moral hangovers are the worst type of hangovers for anyone who has anxiety.

As you really get to know me, you’ll see how punctual I am. You’ll see how much I love planning things but more than that, controlling them.

The sense of wanting to control everything and lacking spontaneity comes because of this thing I can’t control.

While I might get everything done when I need to, you’ll also realize how much I procrastinate things. I hold everything off until the last minute out of fear of things not working out. Which is an oxymoron I know?

I’m painfully aware of the flaws I struggle to accept but live with. But I’m trying.

Beyond all of that, beyond the nail biting and the restless nights of sleep and the fear that dictates my life is someone who truly cares about others and doesn’t want to hurt them.

And if you can deal with the little things that come with being with me, I can promise you, you’ll get someone that will love you unconditionally.

You’ll get someone who is honest and punctual and answers texts too quickly that probably took me 5 minutes to write. 

You’ll get someone who really cares about you and will do anything to make you happy.

You’ll get someone who thinks a little too deeply about what to get you for the holidays but it’ll probably be good.

And you’ll get someone who might see flaws within themselves, but will look at you like you are the best thing that’s happened to them.

You’ll get someone who constantly builds you up until you believe it, but more that, you’ll get someone who might be a little difficult at times but I’ll never stop trying for you, I’ll never give up on you and I will never walk away no matter how much you challenge me.

So more than anything, I’d like to conclude with thank you. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for trying to understand. Thank you for loving me in moments I’m still learning to love myself and thank you for trying to make this work. 


Open Topic

It Is Not Your Fault.

This post is about the women who suffer violence. No woman should ever suffer it. On social media, on social networks, in the media, in the newspaper, you will read or see at least one case of violence every day. Most often, we read about violence in the family. The violence is not just physical contact, but also psychological violence.

Women suffer violence in silence mostly because of fear or because of the children. No one’s talking about it, because of the shame; what will your neighbors say about it, your friends, your family? It is a big problem, because people judge.

Very often we hear someone saying, “It is her fault, she asked for it.” Because of that, women would rather suffer in silence and hide it with make-up, a fake smile etc. That is wrong. People will be always like that, they will always judge, but we must think about ourselves.

Another reason for their silence is fear. Most women think if they say something, it will only get worse. When it happens the first time, whether the violence is physical or psychological, you should immediately react. We all think it happened just once, and that it is not going to happen again. But, if it happened once, and no one reacted, then it will likely be repeated.

Because of that, the most important thing to do is to react immediately. Today, there are safe houses that help women in situations like that. There are a lot of cases where women were victims of violence and they contacted the police or went to a safe house, and it saved their lives.

Women should be strong, and say no to violence. Don’t be afraid, you are a woman and you are strong. You deserve to run your life the way you want.

Open Topic

Soft Heart. Stubborn Mind.

It is hard to sync your heart and your head. Your good, soft heart is ready to help anyone. Your soft heart will let anyone take advantage of it. But your mind plays a completely different game.

Your heart wants to let people get to know what you are really like, but your stubborn mind built this harsh exterior as a protection from getting hurt.

Your mind is slowing you down. It’s making you think things through. It is stubborn as hell. Your mind is preventing your heart; it’s preventing you from doing what you really want. It’s preventing you from showing the real you, not the rational you.

They aren’t even aware that if they scratch a bit underneath that icy surface, they will find a volcano waiting to erupt.

When your mind is in control, you are an assertive, independent girl who knows what she wants. You are bold and you are not afraid to say whatever is on your mind. But once your soft heart prevails and takes the wheel, you turn into the softest and most beautiful creature, full of love, ready to be given to the one who deserves it.

When you fall in love, you love with every inch of your body. Your love is unconditional. Your love is everlasting. It’s hard to get you to open up and completely trust someone. It’s hard for you to let yourself go and turn off the rational part of you and just love. But, once you do, it’s forever.

Your stubborn mind is making you look like you are not interested in anyone, when in reality, you just built a huge wall around you to protect your little, soft heart. Guys don’t approach you because they’re afraid of that cold and harsh exterior of yours.

Your biggest problem is that your stubborn mind stands in your way to happiness. It doesn’t allow you to love someone the way you want. It doesn’t allow your soft heart to come out and take over.

Your mind makes you worry all the time. It makes you overanalyze things. It makes you create a problem where there’s none. Calm down a bit and let your heart have a chance.

Let your heart decide for a change. Nothing horrible will happen, I promise you.

The best thing you could do is to find some kind of a balance between your heart and your mind. You cannot stop thinking completely – you should just take it down a notch. Don’t be sooo stubborn. Don’t look at everything from a strictly rational point of view.

No matter what you do, life will take its own course. But don’t you think it would be better to sail through life with a heart full of love, rather than with a stubborn mind?

Open Topic

Forgive Yourself.

Ever since you were a little kid, you were taught the importance of forgiveness.

You were advised that no matter what someone does to you, you should be the bigger person and find the strength in yourself to accept their apology. 

You were taught that resentment and grudges will bring you no good and will only do you damage, that karma is the best revenge and that you should never plan on getting even with those who did you harm.

You were taught to respond with kindness even to the worst evil.

And this is not something I want to argue against. After all, the ability to forgive is one of the most quality personality traits not many possess.

However, nobody has ever told you about something more important: about the art of forgiving yourself. Because let’s face it—nobody can hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself.

So, for a change, make this new years goal the relationship you have with yourself. Focus on being at peace with yourself and most importantly—on sincerely, truly forgiving yourself.

Start with forgiving yourself for all the times you broke your own heart.


For all the times you didn’t know better, for all the situations in which you should have been wiser and smarter but didn’t succeed in doing so.

Forgive yourself for all the sleepless nights, for all the tears you cried and for all the smiles which didn’t appear on your face.

For all the situations in which you thought of yourself as too weak or too vulnerable. 

Forgive yourself for all the wrong choices you made and for all the wrong guys you let in.

For putting them in front of yourself, for all the effort you invested which turned out to be vain, for all the pointless sacrifices you made…

You know you gave your best, you know you never deliberately caused someone else’s pain and that should be more than enough.

Forgive yourself for all the times you didn’t have enough faith in your potential and capacity.

For all the times you didn’t believe that you would make it, the times when you allowed others to put you down and when you tried shutting down your ambitions because you were too afraid of what other people might say. 

Forgive yourself every situation in which you failed your own expectations and betrayed your principles. After all, you’re just a human being and you’re allowed to make mistakes.

Forgive yourself for all the second chances you shouldn’t have given. The important thing is that you always meant well and had good intentions. 

It wasn’t your fault that they saw your kindness as a green light to keep on hurting you.

Stop blaming yourself for the way they violated your trust more than once and for the way they took advantage of your gentle heart; that’s on their conscience, not on yours.

Forgive yourself for all the goodbyes you didn’t say in time, for all the times you kept going back to the same crime scene and for all the apologies you shouldn’t have accepted.

For all the lies you swallowed, despite knowing they weren’t true and for all the self-deceptions you put yourself through, in hopes of better times.

Forgive yourself for not seeing your own worth.

For allowing some douchebags to diminish it, for believing them when they convinced you that you weren’t good enough and for not seeing how much you deserve. 

Forgive yourself for all the times you settled for less, when you begged for someone’s attention and accepted breadcrumbs of his love and for every situation in which you gave more than you got in return. 

Most importantly—forgive yourself for not loving yourself enough.

Forgive yourself for all the times you were too hard, too impatient and too judgmental on yourself and for not taking good care of your body, heart and soul.

There is no point in looking back in the past because as much as you try, you can never change it. However, the good news is that you can learn from it. 

For starters, in 2020, learn how to prioritize yourself and to stop doing things that you’ll have to ask to be forgiven for.

Accept your own apologies but don’t forget your mistakes. 

Instead, make sure you don’t repeat them. Good luck and have a happy New Year!


Open Topic

True Love.

All of you who have experienced painful heartbreak more than one time, all of you who have put a lot of effort and tears into the wrong people only to get nothing in return, all of you who were disappointed in love in one way or another, you recognize love in only one shape and that is suffering.

All of this emotional pain has made you much stronger. But it has also destroyed all your faith in love, the concept of a soulmate, and dreams about the kind of love worth fighting for. You gave up on any hope that you’d find true love, that your better half was somewhere out there. 

And you stopped believing that true love existed. Even if it did, it wasn’t something worth waiting for and definitely not something worth fighting for. I know you gave up…

You were giving your heart to all the wrong people for as long as you can remember and you’d just had enough of it. You had enough of heartbreaks and disappointments, enough of shattered hopes and dreams.

So you started seeing love as something unrealistic and unattainable, and you reconciled yourself to the fact that you were not meant to experience it even though all of your best friends seemed to have already found their significant other. They were already in a happy relationship or in a happy marriage, but still you decided to observe love from a safe, long distance.

You lost all hope that there existed your forever person as well, someone who would love you unconditionally, so you decided to find happiness outside of love.

And it doesn’t mean you feel miserable because of this; you’ve embraced your single life, and you’ve learned to live without love. You decided to push yourself forward without waiting for the right guy to come along. You invested all of your time and energy exclusively in yourself.

And this doesn’t mean that you’re selfish. It only means that your life experiences, relationship issues, and relationship problems taught you that there is no one you can rely on. So, you decided to be your own support and life partner.

And although loving yourself and taking care of yourself are two of the best things you could have ever done, I’m here to tell you that true love will come when you least expect it. And I’m here to tell you not to give up on it when it comes. Instead, fight for it!

Because true love is worth fighting for! And it does exist, despite everything you’ve been told and despite everything you’ve lived through. (I know you don’t believe it now, but you’ll see it when it happens to you.)

True love will be worth every sleepless night you’ve spent wondering when you will find happiness. It will be worth all the battles you led with all those wrong guys and all the fights you had with yourself. 

Because true love will make you feel stronger than ever!

It will make you feel like you’re unstoppable and that you can do anything you’ve set your mind to. You will feel like you can move all the mountains in this world with your little finger because with the right person by your side, everything will seem possible and achievable for the rest of your life.

The whole world becomes a better place of vast opportunities, chances, hopes, and dreams because true love motivates you to notice all the little things that matter and to fight for all the things worth fighting for. True love will inspire you to become the best version of yourself, and it will help you create the best stories of your book called Life.

True love will make you want to be a better person!

When you finally find the man/woman of your dreams, they won’t have the desire to change you. Instead, they will accept you for who you really are, with all of your flaws and imperfections because true love recognizes and awakens true value in human beings.

The love this man/woman will give you and the love you will feel for them will change you for good, whether you like it or not. It will make you a more positive, loving person who will always look on the brighter side of life. 

It will improve your life in its every aspect—your mental health, your physical health. It will cleanse your soul from all the past toxicity that has accumulated through all this time.

True love will keep reminding you that from now on, you’ll never be the only one fighting for your relationship because true love is reciprocal, giving, and understanding. Love worth fighting for recognizes only mutual effort, mutual trust, and mutual happiness.

True love will restore your faith in all of humanity!

When you finally experience true love in a relationship, you’ll start seeing the good in everyone you encounter, and that is why true love is worth fighting for. You’ll start enjoying all those little things you were missing out on.

You will start noticing all of those beautiful flowers that you’ve been somehow missing all this time. You will start seeing the good in everyone. The sky will look brighter, and your hope in humanity will be restored. Love worth fighting for will give you special glasses specifically designed to see beauty in everything and everyone around you.

True love will delete everything negative that you’ve acquired over time, and it will replace it with understanding, compassion, and patience. True love will show you that the world is not supposed to be observed in black and white, but in lavish colors and shades that you didn’t even know existed.

And most importantly, true love will restore your faith in yourself.

When the right person comes along, they will make you feel like you are the only woman/man in the world. They will heal all the wounds all those wrong guys/girls inflicted, and they will show you your true worth.

They will be there for you when you cry, smile, when you’re vulnerable, and even when you don’t want anyone near you. They will show you the true beauty of your tears, smiles, and the beauty of your being. 

They will remind you that you’re only human and that you’re an amazing human because you never gave up on love no matter how hard it was to keep believing in it, let alone keep fighting for it. They will help you see your true strength, boldness, and endless potential.

And the moment you see and truly feel real love, you’ll forget about all those heartbreaks you’ve been through. You’ll understand why all the guys/girls from your past were wrong and why it wasn’t meant to be with any of them.

And suddenly, everything will make sense. You’ll see that everything you went through in life and everything that has happened to you has been leading you to this moment. And for the first time ever, you’ll see everything crystal clear.

You’ll see why it was all worth it!

So, please, don’t give up on love just yet. Instead of running away from it, embrace it, and allow it to enter your life. And when true love comes into your life, give it a chance. 

Instead of fighting love, start fighting for it. Fight for love worth fighting for with everything you have. Hold on to it and never let it go. Because trust me—it will be worth it.


Open Topic

My Thoughts And Feelings Of Carla.

I’m not sure where to begin with this post nor do I know what I am exactly feeling. I’ve been feeling mixed emotions lately. One minute I’m happy and outgoing, and the next I’m depressed and just want to cry. I’ve been holding onto a lot of anger that I don’t know how to let go of.

I admit my past wasn’t the best, I’ve made a lot of poor choices, and there are some things I do regret and still holding onto such as my past choices, and other things I don’t regret such as my addiction because it made me the person I am today. Strong! But, I carry the label “addict” and I will always be labeled “addict.”

I have so much anger towards people in my life because I felt I was being ignored, also because they wronged me when I needed them the most. I am also still being judged by family as the person I used to be. And I feel like this still today. I feel I don’t belong and I feel lost. I never spoken of my feelings to anyone because I have a hard time expressing myself and I’m afraid of being judged because of my past. Everyone sees me as the person I was THEN and not who I am NOW, their lose. Nobody thought I would change or quit using drugs, but I proved them all wrong and I’m going to keep proving them all wrong.

I feel disconnected from everyone, even myself. I think about suicide quite a bit and think everyone would be better off without me here, so they don’t have to carry all this baggage I been carrying my whole life. I feel like a burden on their lives. I been told when I was younger to find my voice and I would get yelled at for not having one. Well as I got older, I finally found my voice and whenever I speak, everyone still gets angry at me because they don’t like or can’t handle how blunt and honest I am and they think I’m lying. Which infuriates me. So, I can’t win either way.

I have so much trauma in my life that it effects my everyday life. When I was 14 years old I was repeatedly raped for 3 years by a family member. When I was 15 years old, my mother and father split up because my father was having an affair, and I remember laying on the couch severely depressed, not wanting to talk to anyone or going to school. I just wanted my father back, he came back home when I turned 16. Now I hold a lot of resentment towards him because he was someone who I looked up to, he was my hero. I can’t image how much pain my mother felt. When I was 18 years old, I was 7 weeks pregnant and the guy I was with made me get an abortion, so I did. Then later I came to realize he wasn’t the father. When I was 22 years old, I got married and became pregnant again. Only this time it was an ectopic pregnancy (embryo outside of the uterus). Now today, I really want kids but can’t have them naturally, I have to have a procedure in order to have children, which is very expensive. And no one wants to have kids with me for that reason.

So my dream of becoming a mom is crushed. So this is why I am a fur baby mom, LOL.

All this trauma and in my life effects me everyday and I have flashbacks all the time. I don’t know how to erase these painful moments from my mind. It’s like a tornado in my brain. I wish I could go back to when I was 14 years old and start my life over from there, but the damage has already been done. It is what it is.

I was in counseling but I was never open and honest. So, I know I need to go back because I am ready to open up and express how I been feeling. I need someone to talk to so I can hopefully release all this pain and anger I have raging inside me. I’ve been praying to God everyday hoping he can give me a sign and answers to find happiness, but I know I’ll never find it because I am so far gone with all this pain, I am damaged for life.

I wish I had all the answers as to why did all this happen to me. I am an intelligent, well educated woman and had a good up bringing, so why was I the one chosen to suffer through all this pain? I think because I felt ignored, so I did things out of anger and to get attention. I still feel like that today. I also feel alone and that has to be one the worst feelings ever.

I need to find myself and let go of all this anger in me and move past all of this, but I don’t know how or where to begin. I strive everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday, but I feel like my life is at a standstill. I know life gets harder before it gets easier, but I feel my life was easier when I was a full blown addict. Even though I have thoughts everyday of going back to that life, I never have the guts to do it because I worked really hard to be where I am today. One of the biggest thing about life is whether to walk away or try harder.

When I got my life together, I got a very good job at a hospital I been trying so hard to get into. But my depression and PTSD has been really bad that I had to take a leave of absence. I been out of work since November, but luckily I am still getting paid for my time off. I also applied for Social Security Disability that I pray I get so I can continue taking care of me and getting back into therapy full time. Some people don’t understand that my number one priority is my sobriety, not them! If they can’t accept that, then they don’t belong in my life because I will never put anyone above or before my sobriety.

I think I been doing my best to take of me. I’ve been taking my meds everyday and I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a warm bed and my own car. But my best isn’t good enough for some people. Some people say I need to change, well, hello! I made the biggest change in my life by getting clean and I am making changes EVERYDAY. So it’s them who needs to change. I can’t believe anyone would have the nerve to even say such a thing like that to me. I am an overthinker and I can’t help it, but I get jealous of some people because they have the life I always wanted. Obviously, I am very unhappy with my life, but like I said, at least I have the things I need. And I am thankful for that.

I can go on and on with post, but I just had to vent alittle and let some feelings out. Blogging has been one the best things I’ve done because I can express my emotions and not be judged. It’s like another form of therapy for me. But I would like to take a moment to thank all the people who have been there beside me thru my whole journey and have been my support system. Even though I feel like I have been doing this journey alone. But I know I am not alone because there are people out there who are just like me, and some made it, some haven’t. But I want you all to know that there is hope and if you keep working the program, you can make it. But you have to want it!

I say the Serenity Prayer every night before going to bed and I inhale and exhale praying tomorrow will be a better day.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

The Courage to change the things I can…

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Amen!

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An Open Letter To The Girl Hurting.

I don’t know where you are, or what you’re going through right now. I don’t know if it will get better by tomorrow, or if weeks have gone by and you’re still feeling as much pain as you felt the moment it happened to you. I don’t know if tears are still staining your pillow, or if you’re slowly starting to pick yourself up and collect the pieces. Whatever is happening right now, if you’re reading this and looking for a sign that you’re doing the right thing, this is it.

If you have a choice to make, greet it with confidence. If a choice has been made for you, accept it with a calm beauty surrounding you. Nothing is set in stone, and worrying yourself with the “what ifs” will only confuse you and distract you from the most important thing in this world: your happiness. Take a breath, attempt to find a moment of clarity, and decide. Is this battle worth fighting? Are you able to change anything about your situation? Are you afraid to be alone? Do you want to be alone? Is this the life you want to live, the person you want to be? These are things questions only you can answer, things that only you can figure out for yourself. Be strong, and decide.

You know what you need, whether it’s clearly visible or deep down, it’s there. It might be masked by the pain coursing through your body, or by the fear of change, but you know what’s best for you. Even though you know what you need, it still doesn’t change the fact that admitting it to yourself hurts like hell.

Honestly, it’s okay that it does hurt. It was important to you, it was something that mattered, so of course you’re going to be in pain. Sadness is underrated. Admitting you’re hurting is viewed as a sign of weakness, but I see it as a sign of strength. You’re strong enough to tell someone that you’re not okay, that you need help. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak; it makes you brave.

Pain isn’t something that should be hidden. It’s not something dirty that needs to be locked away behind closed doors. It’s not something you should go through alone. Tell your people that you’re hurting. Let them hold your hand and ground you as the feelings and memories overpower you. Find strength through their touch, through their advice, and even through their simple presence. Hold on to them as the tidal wave crashes into you, and let them hold you steady as you recover from it.

Whatever is happening to you right now, I have the utmost confidence that things will work out exactly how they’re supposed to. During this time of confusion, find some new things out about yourself. Read, expand your knowledge on a topic you’re unfamiliar about, have fun with your friends, do something you never would have dreamed of doing. Embrace the new chapter of your life. Fall wildly in love with yourself, with your family, with your friends; you’re never going to find a moment quite like this again. Find what you’re made of, and if you discover that you don’t like the position that you’re in right now, you have the power to change it. You have all the power, always.

I sincerely hope that you find the answers to quiet and calm your your aching soul. Enjoy your journey, and have faith that you’ll find your way again.

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If It Is Meant To Be.

It’s hard to describe it really. But for so long it felt like a vital piece to who I was, was missing. I’d wake up tossing and turning after another dream where you met me. I’d lay there for a while thinking about everything I did wrong. 

The sweatshirt you gave me went untouched in the closet but never to be thrown away. Your favorite book dusted on the shelf. And the photo booth picture that aged with time began to fade just as we had over the years.

The place that used to be ours I took a lot of other guys over the years. But I always asked that they never seat us where we sat that first time.

There were still foods that made me think of you because you were the one to make me try.

There was still beer, I drank with you in mind because that was your favorite.

Your name stopped being mentioned in conversation. People stopped wondered about where you were or what you were doing. Everyone except me.

And every birthday I’d question texting and calling but I was afraid of what I’d find. I was afraid to discover you hadn’t missed me at all.

Our presence on social media didn’t exist and every sign that you were such a vital component in my life was untagged, but not to be forgotten because I still thought about you and I felt empty when those thoughts took up too much time.

You took a piece of me with you when you left.

What you didn’t know was every Sunday I still prayed for you, asking God if you’d come back. Every year I still sent another card or wrote another letter hoping maybe you’d answer. And people asked me why I kept trying and I looked at a quote I wrote down on my wall that I read every day.

“When someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times,” (Mitch Albom)

How many letters did I write they asked? 1 a year for the past 5.

5 years. 5 years and I still looked at my reflection seeing you there. Seeing parts of me that you made into the person I was because of the love you gave me, the things you taught me and the person you meant to me. I was myself and someone I was becoming proud to be but so much of who I became was because of you. And if you stripped me of all of it, you’d see a piece of you there too.

My life began to progress as it had for years.

Then one day it happened. Your name appeared on my phone like I had always wanted. Caught somewhere between excitement, fear, and disbelief I knew you were back.

Small talk turned into plans. Which turned into me doing 15 double takes in the mirror before seeing you. A million questions ran through my mind but for some reason, the answers didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was we were back.

Skeptics in the background later became noise I ignored because it didn’t matter what they thought. The only thing that mattered was you.

And in a crowded room with people singing and a celebration underway, I looked around at many faces then I looked at you. I felt whole for the first time in while like something in my life wasn’t missing anymore.

And I grabbed your hand and pulled you in because finally, I had gotten the only thing I continued to wish for, for a half a decade and my heart to be whole again.

Because you were more than just someone I had loved back then you taught me that love does not fade with the passing of time. You taught me love is strong enough to overcome time, circumstances and heartbreak. You gave me something to believe in, a blind faith I wondered existed. But somehow despite the doubt and the questions I never gave up. While many couldn’t understand and there were moments I couldn’t either, I never stopped believing you’d find your way back to me. 

I look at you now and people say I’m happier. I’m the happiest best version of myself when you’re standing beside me.

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His Plan For Me.

My walls were up, I wasn’t about to let anyone in ever again. I was so hurt and so broken in the past that I swear I couldn’t handle one more crappy relationship.

The loneliness would get to me at times but I knew deep down that I was better off on my own. 

I rebuilt my life brick by brick. In my mind, a new relationship was out of the question. It didn’t fit in with my new and improved life. 

Because of my exes, the idea of being in a relationship was connected with hurt. They really did a number on me, didn’t they? 

But that’s beside the point now. What matters is that you knew how to approach me. You found the way to get close to me, to my heart and soul. 

We started out as friends. Hanging out, sharing stories of each other’s lives; we bragged about our accomplishments and laughed through our embarrassments.

You were always there, you always wanted to spend time with me. If we hadn’t heard from each other the entire day, something felt off.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think something would come of it. You were my friend, one of the best ones. 

You entered my life, tiptoeing around the walls of my heart, and they began to come down, slowly but surely.

I was falling for you when I had no intention of falling for anyone. It came naturally, effortlessly.

Like they always said what love should look like. Unlike anything I ever had before. 

Because of you, I started believing in that cliché, that “love finds you when you aren’t looking.”

I always used to roll my eyes when I heard it and that was the only truth all along. 

It seems that while I was busy with finding myself, love found me. 

While I was focused on my friends, family, life, work, interests and making myself a better person, God decided that the timing was right to send me someone like you. 

Someone genuinely good, trustworthy and loyal. Someone real after everything fake in my life.

Someone who knew what he wanted and what you wanted was me.  

You erased all the scars I had from the past that I thought were permanent. 

You taught me that you don’t have to beg anyone to be in your life. When someone cares, they make an effort. Like you did. 

You made more effort than was necessary and it seemed like you didn’t have to think twice about it.

You made me feel safe and protected. You made me feel yours. 

I truly am grateful and I understand now why everything had to go this way. 

I understand why it didn’t work out with anyone before you came into my life. 

There is only one person who can be your forever and only God can place them into your life. I only realized that when He placed us together. 

I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and pain if I had known that earlier. But I guess if we had met each other earlier, we wouldn’t be ready for what we have now.

We simply weren’t the same people. I know I wasn’t the same a year ago, heck, even a few months ago.

I should have known that God has a plan for me and that it’s better than anything I could have imagined.

I just want you to know how glad I am that you were His plan for me. I’ll be grateful forever.

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Waiting For A Miracle.

God, I know You have Your own timing for doing things, but I’m writing this to let You know I’m ready for change.

I’m ready for Your blessings because I could really use a miracle after the year I had. 

I’m ready to leave the sadness behind. 

I can’t carry it around with me anymore. It’s becoming too heavy.

It’s slowing me down and it will end up killing me if I let it. 

So, I decided not to allow pain to become too deep.

I decided that my problems won’t become bigger than me.

With You by my side, I know I am stronger than all of it. 

I know You can only help me if I help myself. 

That’s why I’m going to do just that.

I’m taking my life in my own hands.

I know that I have to start making different choices. 

I know I have to learn to take care of me like I’m taking care of other people in my life.

I can’t keep on giving without receiving anything back. 

I am going to heal this broken heart of mine.

I am not completely healed yet, no matter how hard I try to be.

It still hurts. It still keeps me up at night.

It still fills my eyes with tears. 

But I’ve accepted that nothing happens overnight.

I know I’ll have days where I won’t feel so great.

I know that there will be days that I’ll fall apart again.

On those days, I go back in time instead of looking forward.

I reminisce about the past moments and wonder why it all had to go down in flames when there was so much potential to make things work. 

Luckily those days are getting rarer as time passes by and strong days are lining up. 

I realized that if it was meant to be, You would never allow my ex to break me like this.

I know that Your love is kind and tender.

I know that love – true love – that you’ll send my way will be as easy as breathing.

I know it will never complicate my life and make me suffer so much.

I know You have better things in store for me and that I have to be patient. 

Dear God, sorry for my lack of patience.

I don’t want to rush You.

But this time of the year is making me wish for a miracle and I want to let You know I am ready for mine. 

I sorted out things in my head. I learned a lot through my ups and downs.

I now know that I deserve a lot more than what I used to settle for.

I am worthy of love.

I know that now.

I’m on my way to becoming a strong, independent, and confident woman who is more than capable of making herself happy. 

Thank you God for opening my eyes and showing me that I’m more than enough.

Thank You for making me see my own worth. 

I’m sorry I used to run to You mostly for comfort and help.

I know that I should be thanking You more often for all the good things You have done for me. 

Thank You for making me see that You’ve given me more blessings throughout this life than bad patches I had to endure.

It’s just that pain overshadowed them so many times I couldn’t see them. 

I guess that’s the fault we humans have: Instead of focusing on the good things, on our little daily blessings, we focus on the negative.

I can finally see that, that’s why I am praying for things to change for the better. 

I think I’m becoming the person You always knew I was.

I’m slowly transforming into the best version of me.

I’m working on myself and my relationship with important people in my life, and I feel like I am closer to You than ever. 

I am ready for my luck to change, so please God, send a miracle my way. 

I’m tired of getting up after so many falls.

Please, tell me that there are only highs for me to reach from now on.

Tell me that everything is going to be all right from now on.

I’ve had enough of all the emotional beating and I need some time to recover my strength.

I need peace in my heart and mind. 

At least for now.

I know that good and bad periods intertwine.

I know that without the bad, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good. 

But it’s time for good to finally win. 

It’s time for all of us who have been hurt so severely to receive our blessings now.

Please let me be right about this.

Please show me and everyone else like me that Your plans are always better than anything we could wish for.

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You Need Yourself More.

Losing someone you deeply care for is never easy. Ending up without the people you love is devastating for the strongest of us. 

Therefore, suffering because of someone’s absence and missing them are not signs of weakness. In fact, it is what makes you a human being made of flesh and blood. 

So, I’m not here to preach to you or act like a smartass who knows it all. I’m not going to try to convince you that your heartbreak is unimportant and that you’re crying without a valid reason.

It doesn’t matter whether you were disappointed by a boyfriend, a friend or a family member.

Either way, the point is that now you have to keep on going without them and learn how to live your life without their support. 

No matter who hurt or backstabbed you, having to remove the person you love from your life or them abandoning you is one of the worst things you’ll ever have to go through.

You’re grieving the loss of a person who is, thank God, alive, safe and sound and that takes time and strength.

Yes, losing someone you love is difficult. However, you know what is even worse? Losing yourself.

It might sound brutal but whoever walks away from your life can and will be easily replaced.

You will find a new boyfriend, another friend or you can even connect with a person who will represent a family figure to you. 

The only person you can never replace is yourself. That is exactly why the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself.

So, please don’t allow your losses and heartbreaks to spiritually kill you.

Don’t let them leave permanent consequences on your emotional and mental health and don’t let your bad experiences mark you for life. 

I’m begging you to chase away the idea that you’re incomplete without someone else. That you need other people’s approval, advice and guidance to carry on the right path.

I’m asking you to stop thinking that someone was giving purpose to your life. That you would be nothing without them and that you will never make it on your own. 

This might sound brutally honest but the truth is that we’re all alone in this world. 

Yes, it is nice having someone to love and support you but at the end of the day, you’re the one who has to deal with your own problems, the one who has to make all the important decisions regarding your life.

The one who has to heal her broken heart, who has to live with the consequences of her actions and the one who ends up alone with her thoughts.

Most importantly—you’re the only one who can make yourself happy

Yes, other people can contribute to your happiness and make it even greater but if you are not content with the life you have, nobody will appear with a magic wand and change that fact.

After knowing this, why do you still waste so much energy on the people who left your life for a reason? Why do you keep allowing your past demons to haunt you? 

Why do you keep on searching for closure and an explanation? Why can’t you leave it all behind and start afresh?

Remember: whoever doesn’t have a place in your life anymore shouldn’t be present in your heart or thoughts either.

So instead of putting all of your focus on trying to get back the ones you lost, please for once concentrate on yourself. 

Work on self-improvement and on becoming the best possible version of the girl you are now.

Work on reaching your future goals, without expecting anyone to give you a hand while doing so. 

Work on turning your dreams into reality and making your life as perfect as possible. Focus on making yourself happy, instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you.

No, there is nothing selfish about putting yourself, your needs and your desires first. In fact, it is exactly what you should have done a long time ago. 

Don’t forget that there is no one more valuable in this world than you. You’re precious and irreplaceable and no one compares to you. 

So, you better make sure not to lose yourselfin the process of searching for others.Because if that happens, you’re pretty much screwed.

Instead, take care of yourself the same way you would take care of the person you love the most in this world. Because that is exactly how things should be.

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God Made You The Way You Are.

Having somebody in your life who can see beyond your flaws and love you beyond all measure is something every human being aspires to attain.

Being loved for who you are as opposed to who this other person wants you to be is the ultimate dream, but unfortunately, one that seldom happens.

People aren’t as pure as they convince themselves they are.

People don’t always love you the way they promised they would.

That is a disappointment many people face at some point or another.

And there are moments where it can be excruciatingly hard to accept.

Everyone wants that “perfect” specimen of a human being and once they see any imperfections (which are signs that you’re only human), they look for a way out.

It can be heartbreaking and soul-crushing, but here’s why you shouldn’t despair.

If your man/woman can’t love all of you (flaws and all), don’t worry about it.

Firstly, he/she doesn’t deserve an opportunity to be close to you anyway and, secondly, there is somebody who loves you exactly the way you are.

The only one who sees all of your flaws and loves you profoundly as if you were the best thing on earth – God.

And isn’t that comforting? When you’re surrounded by a sea of shitty men, how soothing is it to know that there is someone who is always there for you?

Someone who will always root for you and give you that push whenever you need it.

You can’t see it and you certainly can’t hear it, but it’s there. 

You can notice signs of His existence during your harshest moments.

You know those days when you feel at your lowest and you lose faith in all humanity?

Those moments when people bring you down and all you can see in the mirror are your flaws?

Just know that God sees you, hears you, and has your back.

To Him – you’re perfect in all of your imperfect existence! 

He doesn’t care about those flaws you can’t stop worrying about because they are only a tiny part of your beautiful being!

He doesn’t think you’re being too clingy or overbearing.

He knows your capacity to love is simply overwhelmingly profound, and He wants you to know that it’s okay!

He doesn’t mind your occasional irrational fear of being unloved because that’s what every human goes through every now and again.

And with God, you never have to worry if you’re good enough.

To Him, that is not even a question. We are all His creations and He made us all individually the way He saw fit.

Who is anyone to judge you for being what God made you to be?

How do any of your toxic exes have the right to deem you unworthy when you are exactly what He wanted you to be?

This is where you win. Those who only see your flaws are superficial beings who are still not mature enough to comprehend that people are meant to be flawed.

How else are you going to learn to become the ultimate version of yourself?

How else are you meant to experience all the things in this world that, through pain, will teach you how to move forward in the best way for your well-being?

God wants you to explore all sides of you. He made you the way you are because that is exactly how you’re supposed to walk this earth.

That is how you are supposed to make friends and find those people who’ll love you through thick and thin.

If you were perfect, people would only love you because of that unique quality, and what’s the point in that?

We all make mistakes and hurt people along the way. That’s just life.

But once you learn that your shortcomings and imperfections aren’t to be feared but rather proud of, that’s when you get closer to figuring it all out.

God knows what He’s doing, no matter how tricky and confusing things may appear at times.

Leave all those people who point out your flaws and blame you for merely being human.

They’re the ones who are losing in life. Only those who find a way to make it work regardless of not being perfect are going to live a life worth living.

It’s not about being flawless. It’s about owning your imperfections and never letting them trump all those divine qualities you possess.

You are never going to be perfect, but when you realize that the only thing that matters is learning to love yourself regardless, you’ll understand why God made you the way you are.

When all those people try to bring you down, maintain your faith that He has a plan.

Repeat to yourself that nobody is perfect and you sure as hell are never going to try to be.

All you can do is be the best version of yourself and let Him see that you finally understand that a flaw here or there doesn’t define you.

What does define you is your ability to walk this earth like a proudly imperfect, yet badass woman who loves the shit out of herself, knowing she’s got the only support she will ever really need – God’s!



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2020, I Am Finally Ready.

I’m finally ready to leave behind everything bad that has happened to me. I’m finally ready to start a new chapter of my life. I’m ready to write on those blank pages that are waiting to be filled.

I know that I’ve made mistakes and I know that a lot of fucked up things happened to me this year, but I’m finally ready to leave it behind because those things are going to be memorized as only parts of my life, only a few pages of thousands to come.

I’m finally ready to leave the past where it belongs.

I’m ready to turn to the future and I’m excited about whatever it holds for me. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to be bad or good, I’m ready for whatever happens. I’m not afraid because I know I will survive everything, I know I can because I already did.

I’m finally ready to learn from all the mistakes I’ve made. I’m ready not to make them again. But I know I will go wrong somewhere once again and that doesn’t matter. I decided it doesn’t matter because I will let those mistakes go and learn from them once again. That is how I will grow and learn. That is how I will become even better than I already am.

I’m finally ready to make a fresh start. I will leave this year in the past and I will forgive it and let it go.

Along with this year, I will leave in the past every heartbreak I’ve had. I will forgive this year for making me feel lost and for taking things away from me. At the end of it all, I will forgive myself for expecting too much and getting not nearly as much as I was hoping to get.

I want to thank you because you taught me how to stand up for myself. You taught me how to speak my mind. You taught me that nothing falls into your lap and that you have to try very hard and to fight for the things you want.

Before I move on and close this chapter and say the final goodbye, I want to say that I’m thankful for all the lovely people I’ve met, for all the laughter I’ve had. I will never forget the happy moments that made my life beautiful even when it was only for a moment. I’m thankful for the pain I’ve felt because of the people who helped me heal and forget.

But, it’s time to finally say goodbye and lock the door to my past. I can’t change anything that has happened and I won’t bother trying. Instead, I’m going to build the courage I have left to keep on fighting for my new beginning because I deserve one but I have to allow myself to have one. That’s why I’m saying goodbye.

I know that this year has been unlike any other. It was my choices that gave it a path to walk on. I guess I’m not forgiving or blaming this year. I’m forgiving and thanking myself and I’m giving myself another chance.

So, 2020, here I come, ready to spend time with you, only this time it’ll be different. This time I’m so ready and stronger than ever.

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Change And Growth.

‘Change is a necessary part of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.’ – Unknown

It is in human nature to think that change is something bad or unnecessary and the biggest obstruction of our happiness, something completely different.

It is in human nature to be afraid of new things, new challenges and new risks but without it, we would never be able to evolve.

Change happens when we least expect it and no matter how hard we resist to accept and embrace it, no matter how hard we try to stay in our comfort zone, change will keep doing its job and it will influence our mind, body and soul. 

Now, it is up to us whether we will choose to accept it as something totally unnecessary and destructible or something that influences our personal development and helps us grow.

In the last few years, I’ve learned that every change is a good change to a certain degree.

If you choose to embrace change and see it as a new opportunity, new experience and different perspective that shapes your being and helps you evolve, you will realize that change is necessary for your own well-being, success and happiness!

Every big change creates a disruption but it is a necessary disruption without which we wouldn’t be able to grow and reach our full potential.

Imagine that you’re living a “perfect life” without any disruptions and you know exactly what to expect and when to expect it to happen.

It wouldn’t only be boring and monotonous but also you would never have an opportunity to test your boundaries, become more resilient and stronger, right? 

That is the main reason why every positive change and negative change is necessary for growth and our personal development.

By embracing change, we’re allowing our future self to improve, shine and become bigger and stronger! 

So, once you get the courage to pursue and embrace a change, you will experience benefits that will make your life so much better!

We often see every change as a bad thing but that every change teaches us something new and it is necessary for personal growth.

Change is the only constant and for the sake of understanding it more clearly, I’ll compare it with change management methods present in every organization as a part of human resource.

Let’s say that your brain collects your personal data (events and changes) and then creates a discussion network where everything gets sorted out and starts making perfect sense.

It is a process where you get to realize that every change has taught you something new.

Change is a process that helps you move on, understand your feelings better and improve your performance.

Change brings you tons of benefits, just like new technology and new products.

If we still had old phones in our hands, we would never be able to Tweet or share new posts with the world that are definitely worth sharing.

Every change (be it big or small) helps you easily adapt to new situations, new environments and new people.

It makes you flexible to every potential change in the future and as a result, it prevents you from getting stuck in the status quo. 

When something unexpected happens, you won’t freak out or freeze because your brain has already learned how to deal with new situations and through every change, it just upgrades its knowledge. 

Frequent changes delete every single trace of anxiety and stress when dealing with new life events and they make you more open-minded to and grateful for new experiences.

If our lives were constantly devoid of any type of change or “turbulence,” we would never be able to look at things from a different perspective.

We would be stuck forever in some kind of limbo where nothing ever changes and as a result, we wouldn’t be familiar with different outcomes and different life values.

But lucky us, for living in a world of continuous changes which help us weigh up our pros and cons, learn valuable lessons and, as a result, reinforce our life values.

We live in a world where we are given the chance to do things differently each time and implement knowledge shaped by our previous experiences.

I’m aware of the fact that this phrase will probably sound corny to many of you but what the hell: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

I myself was a little bit skeptical about this one for years but it turned out that it is nothing but the truth.

Overcoming changes makes you ten times more resilient, flexible and stronger. How?

Because every change is like a mini battle that needs to be overcome, accepted and embraced in order to see the real beauty of it and reach your full potential.

When I was about to move to a new statre, I was frozen in my own body. I was going through multiple panic attacks on a daily basis and I couldn’t function properly.

But now I realize that it was the best thing I have ever done and I wouldn’t change anything.

Changing our paths and usual direction will open the doors to new opportunities and experiences and all we need to do is gather the courage and decide to embrace a new path instead of avoiding it like the plague or something destructible. 

I’m pretty sure that many of us are not even aware of the things around us until something changes.

Change brings excitement to our lives, a smile to our faces and the promise that we will never find ourselves being stuck in a rut. 

And it doesn’t have to be a big change like moving to another city or similar.

Mini changes like rearranging your apartment, choosing a different path when going for a walk, trying new beverages, etc., will refresh your daily routine and teach you that there are tons of other things awaiting you to discover them.

Take a look back at the past and think about your old self five years ago.

Do you notice how your personality, appearance and mindset have significantly altered? You have changed, right?

And all those mini and maxi changes are what made you who you are today.

Everything you went through is a result of becoming the person you’re ought to be. Change equals progress and progress equals personal development and growth.

Breaking up with a partner, leaving a job, moving to another city and similar all bring about new beginnings.

Closing one chapter means starting another one, often a more exciting one. 

Change brings new beginnings, new promises, new perspectives and new reasons for happiness.

Change shapes your beliefs and mindset and it gives you an opportunity to make things right and learn from your mistakes.

Final Thoughts:

Change is necessary for personal development and growth because without it, we wouldn’t be able to learn new perspectives and become stronger and wiser regarding our future choices. 

Change is an inevitable part of our lives and the sooner we learn to embrace it and perceive it as something positive, the sooner we’ll start living the life we deserve. 

‘The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.’ – Dan Millman, Way Of The Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives







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One Day…

I promise that one day I’m going to wake up and you’ll be just an outline of what I used to know way too well. That day, that morning, I’ll finally live up to my promise and my dream to forget you. One day, I’ll leave you behind, I’ll leave you in my past and continue my life as if nothing happened.

That morning, when I get up without you on my mind, I won’t do anything extraordinary. I’ll just crawl out of my bed, hit the showers and walk barefoot down the stairs to the kitchen. I’ll pour myself a cup of coffee and I’ll take a deep breath. There won’t be anything bothering me, it will be just a normal morning with normal me. One that I haven’t had in a long time, thanks to you.

I used to forget time with you and now I’ll use the time to forget you.

I’ll forget how much I wanted you. I’ll forget how I woke up with a desire to talk to you and I’ll forget how I went to sleep thinking of you.

I’ll forget how happy I was when I had you in my life. I’ll forget how your smallest gesture could put a smile on my face. I’ll forget how I’d feel like I’m walking on the clouds after a night out with you.

I’ll forget how for a second I thought I had everything figured out. I’ll erase the perfect picture I created in my mind of how things are supposed to be. I’ll forget that I actually thought you’d be the main role in my life in the future.

I’ll forget how you changed. I’ll forget how you loved me one moment and how you were leaving in another. I’ll forget how your eyes were full of adoration one second and how it all disappeared in another.

I’ll forget how you were kind and how you switched to being cold in a second. I’ll forget how I felt like you are the most amazing person in the world at one moment and how you made me scared in another.

I’ll forget how is it to be yours and how it feels to be in the seventh heaven and in the lowest level of hell at the same time. How I never knew if we’re going to have a good or a bad day, if you’re going to love me or hate me for something that I did.

I’ll forget how you slowly stopped caring about me. I won’t remember how you stopped choosing me and how you started shoving me down on your priority list. I won’t remember how everybody became more important than me. I’ll forget how you started forgetting me.

One day, I won’t remember how I was a mess.

One day, I won’t be a mess anymore.

One day, I’ll pull myself together and I’ll fight the memory of you that’s been dragging me down for far too long.

I’ll forget about you long enough to forget why I need to.

I won’t remember how I was the one that kept being hurt. How at the end of our story, I was the only one that gave a damn.

One day, I promise the only thing I’ll remember about you will be your name. One day, all the memories I have of you will be erased. One day, I’ll crawl out of my bed without a single trait of you in me. One day, I’ll let go. I can hardly wait for that day to come.

I’m looking forward to reading a new chapter of my book where you won’t be neither hero nor villain. I’m looking forward to reading the chapter where you won’t exist at all.



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Thank You For Breaking Me.

I guess I should thank you for treating me the way you did. Because now I know how I deserve to be treated. I deserve a man who will listen to me. A man who will not make jokes about my flaws just because it makes him laugh.

I deserve a man who will respect me. I deserve someone who will be there. I deserve someone who will kiss my tears away—not make me cry.

Thank you for cheating on me—multiple times. Now I know that not being enough for you was never my fault. And thank you for leaving me for one of them—not sure which one. It saved my life.

I should also thank you for not loving me. Now I love myself the way you never could. I love the sound of my laugh—the one you hated. You said I sounded like a starting engine. I love my scars, because they tell the story that I survived. You said they were ugly, that I should cover them. I love my freckles, my weird toes and stretch marks. I love my imperfect body perfectly.

Thank you for leaving when I needed you. It taught me how to take care of myself.

And lastly, thank you for being the worst thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for teaching me what a toxic relationship looks like. Thank you for shattering me to bits, just so I could pick myself up and love every broken part of me.

I was ashamed for so long, ignoring everything you did to me. Hiding from my family, my friends—just trying to hide the fact that I stayed in such a relationship for so long. But not anymore. I am not ashamed I stayed. I am not ashamed that I trusted you and loved you with all my heart. I’m just ashamed that it took me so long to understand this.


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You Broke Me More When I Wanted You To Fix Me.

I still remember the day when I met you, you looked like the man I had been waiting for my whole life. You were generous, kind and had the most beautiful smile ever. Too bad that from your sweet mouth there were so many lies that I couldn’t imagine anyone could say.

You know, I really didn’t see you coming. You just appeared in front of me and I thought to myself that God himself was sending you to save me from myself. But, as always, I was so wrong. You came into my life just like you could feel my wounds that were still bleeding. You were like a wild animal that was feeding on someone’s flesh. And that was what you did to me. You came and you knew my whole story. You knew that I had been through hell and back and that the last thing I needed then was someone who would take advantage of me. I still remember the day when I told you about the man who totally ruined me and just walked away. You said to me that I didn’t deserve that and that he was stupid for letting me go.

You said that I was too perfect for someone like him and if I wanted, then he would try to heal all those cracks and scars in my heart. And in my head, there were so many mixed feelings but above, all I wanted was to be loved. And I gave you a shot because I needed someone to make me feel better. I thought you were a real man for that but I was so wrong. I can’t blame myself because you were such a damn good actor. You found a way to deceive a girl who loved you.

You said that you would never hurt me. You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did! You beat me to emotional death by doing all those bad things to me. For you, I was the perfect victim because someone had already hurt me. You just came and finished the job. That was a way for you to feel superior. Well, let me tell you something. In love, there isn’t anyone who is superior. In love, both people are equal in all that they do. In love, there is nobody above you or beneath you but instead they are beside you, where your heart is. Oh wait, that is something that you obviously don’t have. Because if you had a heart, you wouldn’t have hurt me so badly.

I just don’t understand why you did all that to me. Why all that cheating, name-calling, emotional and physical abuse and gaslighting? What did you want to get out of it? Someone who would listen to you blindly? Don’t you know that I already did that because I loved you? You didn’t have to do all those nasty things to me. I just wanted you to love me but you couldn’t do even that. Because in your own way, you were broken too. But like any man, you were too proud to admit that. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. And that was a mistake we both made.

We both wanted to get love from another person but in fact, we just had to love ourselves to be healed. I admit my mistake and I know that I won’t repeat it anymore. In all this mess called life, I have learned so many things, though I learned all of them in a tough way. I learned that I shouldn’t have to believe in all your lies that you told me just to get into my bed. I learned that I should first respect myself so others can do that as well. I learned that I can’t force love to come into my life but I have to wait for it. Because if I force something, it might not be the right thing. I know that from my experience with you. I wanted someone to be with me so badly but it turned out that I didn’t make as good a choice as I had thought. You were such a coward to break an already broken woman. And the worst thing was, that you didn’t feel any remorse for doing that.

You thought that our toxic relationship would last for ages and that you would always be controlling me. But you didn’t know that I am a born warrior and sooner or later I would stand up and fight for myself. Once you realize that you have only one life to live and that someone is destroying it, you get crazy. And that was what I did. I completely lost my mind and I kicked you out of my house and my heart. Even if I loved you and even it hurt me to let you go, I knew it was more painful to keep you close. Now, I finally have the closure I craved so much. Now, I am a woman who knows what she wants and I won’t settle for less than I deserve.

And you know what? I really don’t need a man to fix me. I just need a man who will love me while I fix myself. And that man will never be YOU!



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I Am Strong, But Tired.

Strength is believing in love when you’ve only known heartbreak. 

It’s drying your own tears that no one knew you cried.

Strength is overcoming your own demons or vices.

And looking at someone who completely broke you and you forgive them.

Strength is helping others even when it’s you that hasn’t quite figured it out yet.

It’s trusting everyone, even though you have every reason not to.

Strength is biting your tongue when someone is unkind and realizing it’s a reflection of them and not you.

It’s holding on and believing in something you know you deserve, but haven’t gotten yet. 

Strength is when everyone doubts you, but you believe in yourself anyway.

I’m strong, but I’m tired.

I’m tired of being hurt every time I get my hopes up.

I’m tired of anticipating the worst and watching it play out. 

I’m tired of being let down.

And always blaming myself for things.

I’m tired of people telling me I need to change. Then every time I try to I lose myself in an attempt to make them happy.

I’m tired of constantly being challenged and always having to be the bigger person.

I’m tired of thinking too much about people who care too little. 

I’m tired of overthinking.

I’m tired of spending 15 minutes of coming up with a text only to get an answer K.

I’m tired of trying so hard to please others when I don’t ask for much in return.

I’m tired of staying up at night as thoughts consume me and I can’t sleep.

I’m tired of carrying this weight on my shoulders from my past that haunts me.

I’m tired of being strong for everyone.

I’m tired of always figuring out the solutions when it isn’t even my problem to begin with.

I’m tired of the explanations that came too late.

And people walking away with no reason when I’m the one holding the door saying, “I’ll miss you.


Caring as much as this hurts. It’s knowing pain at levels others never will. It’s knowing sadness and darkness the way others don’t. It’s experiencing heartbreak that hurts more than any physical amount of pain.

But on the other end of such intense emotions is knowing a love so deep, it fills you despite their absence. Despite a sadness you can’t shake, on most days, you’ll experience the happiness that makes it worth it. Despite the pain of endings, you’ll look forward to new beginnings. Because you know when you get it right, it’s worth it.

If you ask any person who is like this, what they would choose, they wouldn’t change anything about themselves even if they are tired.

There is something rare about a person that strong. They are the healers of the world. They are the light for others in darkness. They are the hope when everyone has lost it and they end up being loved deeply by everyone for being exactly who they are, and not changing when others allowed pain to change them.

Though regardless of how tired, hurt, or disappointed these people feel, the fact they haven’t changed is why they are different. Pain changes most people, but for some, they see pain simply as the other end of the same spectrum that love is on, so they stay the path and keep their heads high.



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Let Me Love You.

I’ve never been one to half ass many things, love included.

And I don’t love simply. I go into it with everything I have knowing very well it could end badly in a puddle of my own tears. But I also know every once in awhile those chances pay off and something great could come of it.

Just maybe the next chance I take could be the right one.

That’s what I hang onto.

I think a lot of people I don’t know how to love the right way. Many fear not being loved back so they don’t give their heart to anyone freely or fully. But to love anything in life, really love it or love someone, it has to come from a genuine place. It doesn’t require love to even be returned to you. The right kind of love is one in which you give knowing very well you might not get anything from it. Love comes bearing no pressure or expectation. To be the type of person who can love others without needing it for themselves, that’s what will get you the love you deserve.

I know this. I live by this. I say I love you probably “too many” times in my life. But I always mean it. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s loving the right way.

But love is as complicated as it is simple.

It’s easy to fall in love. It’s impossible to fall out of it. 

It’s easy to love others. It’s impossible to teach someone how to love themselves.

It’s easy to say I love you. It’s hard when you don’t hear it back.

And I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an easy person to love, maybe because I value it. Maybe because I put it on some pedestal. But maybe it deserves to be there because when you find the right love, it’s everything.

I love too easy, when maybe I’d benefit from being guarded. 

I trust too simply, when maybe I should wait a little longer.

I fall too fast and believe too deeply, but it’s my unwavering faith that it will one day be all mine, but fully is what will get me there.

Maybe heartbreak isn’t supposed to make you bitter. Maybe we need to get our hearts broken a hundred times just for that one time of getting it right to learn it’s worth it.

I know heartbreak means I’m taking the right types of chances in life.

But maybe it’s me doing it right and everyone else is wrong.

Maybe we need to take those chances fearlessly to get this type of thing we all want, even if we won’t admit it.

Love is a bit of gambling and I’ve always been one who plays for keeps. Not only do I play for keeps, but it’s a game I’m good at.

But the game I play is different than the one we’ve come to know about dating.

I’ll always play the right type of game. I’ll never play to hurt you. I’ll never play to lead you on. In a world full of liars, I promise you I’ll always be honest.

I’ll do everything to make it work.

Because this is how you love the right way.

Be vulnerable. 

Be fearless.

Be good to others.

And love unconditionally.

Love comes with a bit of risk. The risk is getting hurt. It comes with walls crumbling down when all you want to do is run the other way and build them back up. It comes having faith in one another when you don’t know what is ahead. And trusting each other despite doubts.

And if you can trust me and take a chance on me, it’ll be worth it.

I ask a few things of you, have patience with me. While I love freely and try to be cautious, I understand the downside to being this type of person. It doesn’t always end in my favor.

I’m not an easy person to love because I value it so deeply. But I don’t have grand expectations.


Love me and I’ll love you back. It’s that simple.



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I Am Over You.

You no longer consume my thoughts. You’re a simple memory so far removed from my life that I can’t even imagine my life with you in it.

And it took me so long to get to this point, longer than I ever thought possible. But it’s not easy to let go of someone you gave the best of you to, someone who you used to dream of a future together with. 

It’s not easy to make peace with the fact that someone yours is not yours anymore, that someone yours doesn’t feel the same way about you. But it had to be done.

I loved you for all that you were and all you couldn’t be. I “loved,” past tense, I don’t anymore because you left me no other choice. 

I had to stop myself from thinking that one day we’d get back together. I had to block my mind every time it wandered off to you and started thinking, “What if things were different?” 

So many times I would write you a text but I would delete it before sending it. I knew that I would accomplish nothing with a text, it would only make me weak in your eyes. 

But there were so many things left to write, to ask, to say to you but I knew deep down that you didn’t want to talk about them. 

So I let it be. I realized somewhere throughout my healing that not everything has to be resolved. That sometimes you are left without closure. 

The worst part was forgiving you for not being able to love me back as much as I loved you.

That was the sad truth I had to live with. You just didn’t feel the same way, no matter how many times I used to delude myself that you did.

We were never meant to be. 

I also had to forgive you for hurting me as much as you did. For turning your back on me without a good explanation. I never thought you would act so cowardly. 

I have to forgive myself for thinking so highly of you. For allowing you to be the center of my universe and for forgetting about myself. 

Getting over you was a long process indeed. The overwhelming pain in my chest couldn’t simply disappear overnight. It took its precious time. 

I have to forgive myself for the greater pain I caused myself when I didn’t know how to move on from you.

I have to forgive myself for the sea of tears I spilled with every thought of you.

I wasted so much time but in the end, it was worth it. I rebuilt my life brick by brick. I strengthened my heart. I learned from my pain. 

I never saw you after our break-up and I hope I never will. I don’t need a reminder of what was or what could have been.  

I don’t know how I would feel if you were standing in front of me and I don’t want to find out.

You chose to be a part of my past and it’s better you stay there. We were never meant to be. I see that now. 

I am walking into the future all by myself, with the hope that someone just right for me is waiting around the corner.




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Final Goodbyes.

When you really love a man, you follow your heart blindly, and you don’t listen to reason. You ignore that voice in the back of your head telling you that he doesn’t treat you well and that you deserve much more than what he can give you.

When you love a man, you’re ready to do whatever it takes just to save your relationship and avoid a painful heartbreak. You never want to abandon this guy, even if there are millions of things telling you that this is exactly what you should do.

You don’t want to walk away from him even when he’s the main cause of your misery – even though you’re aware that he’s the only one responsible for all of this pain that’s been eating you alive.

Even if he’s the one making your life a living hell. Even when you know that this man doesn‘t deserve you, that your needs aren‘t met, that he is wrong for you, and even when his toxicity is threatening to ruin you completely.

You don’t want to leave him alone to fight with his demons, and you continue hoping that you’ll manage to bring him to the light. You’re willing to sacrifice your self-respect for him. You’re convinced that you’ll manage to save him.

But somehow, this isn’t happening. Instead, you’re the one who is slowly being pulled down into his darkness. Instead of saving him and making your relationship work, you’re allowing him to destroy your own life, without you even being aware of it.

And this is exactly why you need to walk away from this guy this instant, despite the depth of your emotions for him. This is why you need to save yourself from him, and the only way to do this is to choose self-love over the love you have for him.

Yes, real love needs hard work, and you can’t just leave the moment things get rough. It takes a lot of patience, effort, and energy for two people to build a healthy relationship, and you shouldn’t give up on your loved one at the first glance of trouble, an unanswered phone call, or ignored text messages.

But love isn’t pain. Because there is nothing romantic in staying next to someone who’s crushing you to pieces with every new day that dawns. Someone who can’t talk to you for 20 seconds without telling only lies. 

There is nothing poetic in the devastating pain of allowing a narcissist and a toxic relationship to keep breaking your heart. Because true love should never hurt, and it should never bring you more sadness than happiness. It shouldn’t be this difficult, and it definitely shouldn’t make your life harder.

Making all the sacrifices for the sake of the other person is not proof of your love for them. Losing yourself and fighting all the battles alone aren’t signs of your devotion to your relationship. Instead, these are signs that you don’t respect and love yourself the way you should.

As a matter of fact, when a man figures out that he’s your whole life, he won’t see you as a high quality woman and, therefore, he’ll never stop taking you for granted. And no matter how much you’ve been fighting for him, you’ll end up running in circles. 

Spending time with such a man is more of a curse than a blessing.

So please, do the right thing: end this agony. Walk away from him and mean it. Forget the first time you met him, prevent him from texting you, and save yourself before he breaks you completely. Leave him and choose yourself over him before it’s too late. 

And even if your man wants you to stay and begs you not to leave him, don’t fall for his fake, selfish behavior because his only motive is to feed his big ego. The reason why he’s doing it is because he’s the wrong man.

So, instead of fighting for the wrong man, spend time with your best friends, with the people who love you, and no matter what happens, never stop believing that leaving him was the right thing to do. Instead of fighting for the wrong man, focus on loving yourself, treating yourself with care, and waiting for the real thing that you deserve. 

Life is too short to waste it on men who don’t know how to treat you right, who aren‘t ready to make an effort and keep their promises. Life is too short to be cruel to yourself and prevent yourself from experiencing true happiness.

Now, I know that leaving him is easier said than done and I know that you’re scared of stepping into your future without him because you’re convinced that leaving this guy will hurt you more than staying with him. I know that it’s not easy to start living a new life and end the toxic chapter you spent so much time on.

But I promise you that you’ll end up much happier and healthier once you start focusing on your own happiness and say your final goodbyes to him. That you’ll feel liberated once you set yourself free from all of his toxicity.

I know that leaving this man is the last thing you want to do and I’m not here to convince you that it’ll be a walk in the park. I just want you to have faith in yourself because you are strong enough to close the doors behind you and never look back. Strong enough to do what has to be done, even though you don’t think this way now. 

After all, walking away is the only real option you have and the choice you need to make if you want to give yourself a chance to be happy. And I promise you that once the pain goes away, you’ll never regret doing it. Instead, you’ll see it for what it is: the best decision of your life.



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To The Man Who Broke My Heart.

To the man who broke my heart, but also made it feel whole at one point, here’s all the things I wish I could have said, and all the things you probably didn’t know, but should.

Before I met you, I was in a dark place. And so were you. We were both two lost souls who somehow found each other, and suddenly life started to feel great again. We connected in a way that seemed almost unreal. Our chemistry was so intense, and I felt that I have found my soulmate. My life felt so incomplete, that when I met you, all the love I had in my heart that had nowhere to go, I gave them all to you.

And for a brief moment, I know you loved me too. I know that when you said you haven’t loved anyone the way you loved me, that you meant it. I know because I could see it in your eyes. You looked at me in a way that no one has ever looked at me before. I could hear it in your voice too. And for a brief moment, everything was right, and everything was perfect.

But it felt too good to be true, because as it turns out, it was.

Reality kicked in and life got in the way.

Maybe it was timing, that’s what we try to tell ourselves anyway. But maybe, just, maybe, we just weren’t right for each other. And maybe, just maybe, we were meant to cross paths together, but not to be together, but to learn from each other. Maybe, we were meant to take all the lessons that we’ve learned, so that we can be ready for the person who comes next, the one that’s meant for us.

I want to say that no matter the reasons why, no matter who’s fault it was, no matter all the arguments, tears and the heartbreak, I still want to say thank you.

Thank you for all the times that you made me smile.

Thank you for showing me a whole other world that I didn’t knew existed. For opening my eyes to things I didn’t know possible. For teaching me things about myself that I didn’t even know about.

Thank you for telling me each time I was wrong. And thank you for allowing me to try to make it right. Thank you for motivating me to become a better person, and for believing that I was better than my mistakes.

Most of all, thank you for teaching me what it’s like to truly love someone.

I don’t know where you are, or who you’re with, or what you’re doing, but one thing I do know is, that whatever happens in our own lives, the love that we shared together will always be cherished, and it will never go away. A part of you will always be with me, and maybe one day, I’ll even tell my kids about you. Maybe I can tell them the story of how you were part of the reason that made me who I am, and that if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have become the person sitting right in front of them. And maybe I can teach them that two people can love each other, but not be together.

May your journey in life be as wonderful and exciting as you have made mine. May we meet again.



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Trying To Date Someone With Anxiety.

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you won’t see how many times they look at their phone but they do. 

They question every text that probably took them 20 minutes to write. The minutes you don’t answer pass like hours as they wonder, “did I say that wrong?” or “what are they thinking?”

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, they are already anticipating an ending before something even can begin.

So much so, maybe they’re the ones subconsciously ruining it.

They assume it’s just going to turn out the way it always does. Some abrupt ending without an explanation or any closure as they over analyze everything trying to fix it. 

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you’ll notice how careful they are with everything they say. And you’ll notice how often they apologize.

They are terrified of saying the wrong things.

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you’ll notice how punctual they are when it comes to being somewhere, but in the back of their mind, they are wondering if you’ll cancel. Actually, they are anticipating it.

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you’ll notice how they pick or tap in moments they are nervous, but they’ll try and play it cool.

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you’ll notice how well they do at a party throwing back a shot or two, hiding the fact they are so nervous. Or they’ll drink too much.

Everything will result in the next day of them apologizing for everything.

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you’ll notice how much they toss and turn at night or can’t sleep. They worry about everything in the late hours of the night. They overthink, over analyze, and think about things from the past they haven’t forgiven themselves for.

They will forgive you for everything, but they can’t seem to channel that into themselves.


When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you won’t be able to fix a lot of the problems they cause. A lot of it is in their own head. You just have to listen. 

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you’ll notice how much effort they put into your relationship. As much as they are trying to convince you they are worthy, they are still trying to prove to themselves they deserve you.

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, you’ll begin to learn all about them and while sometimes you might not understand everything, with every layer you pull back, you’ll find yourself falling more.

They’ll hate themselves for the moments they fall apart, but you’ll see their vulnerability as something beautiful.

When you begin to date someone with anxiety, what you’ll learn is the root of all of their worries comes down to caring.

As much as they are cautious and don’t want to get hurt, they don’t want to hurt others either. So they build others up as best they can. 

There isn’t anyone who will love you deeper, there isn’t anyone who will remind you more how much you mean to them.

They will come bearing compliments you’ve heard too many times, but you’ll see an honesty and a genuine nature to people with anxiety.

In return for your acceptance of this thing they try to painfully control, comes an unconditional love that makes you whole.




Open Topic

The Toughest Goodbyes.

After sleepless nights of wondering what I did wrong, eventually you stopped consuming me and keeping me up. Eventually, I began to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and put it back together despite not knowing what happened or how we got to where we were when it ended. 

The toughest goodbyes are the ones that go unexplained.

The toughest goodbyes are the ones where you have to get closure within yourself because the other person doesn’t care to give it to you.

And I moved on as best I could. But I still thought of you. I thought of you every time I went left instead of right where I used to pull into your block. I thought of you every time I walked past the bench that we spent hours talking. I thought of you every time I’d meet someone and I wished they were you because that instant connection was in fact too good to be true, but something I thought was real. And I thought of you every time I passed the cafe in town that I waited an hour for you to show up at.

You were still thoughts that came and went soon to be forgotten. But the reminder of yet another story that didn’t turn out right while I questioned what I did wrong.

Running through details of moments wishing I didn’t say or do that became a tiring game of living in the past.

And just when I began to forget you as I held the hand of another, I felt my phone go off in my pocket and your name appeared.

How quickly I was taken back to everything. And an apology in an attempt to make you seem decent sounded like you were trying to cover your own ass. There was no explaining it even when you tried, and yes I did deserve better. I know it wasn’t right. And as much as I wanted to run back to you and forgive you for everything, I put my phone down and looked at someone who hadn’t hurt me yet.

And an apology I waited so long for didn’t give me the comfort or closure I thought it would. Instead, it just became words I heard again too late.

You became just another story that didn’t end how I wanted and another reason to not trust the person that came next.

But I wasn’t going to let you be the reason I don’t trust someone in my future.

I wasn’t going to let your lack of love be the reason I don’t believe in it.

The way I saw it was the best thing I could do was continue to trust people as I had you. Continue to love people as I had you. Continue to give my best in hopes that maybe the next person would realize the value in that and not let it scare them.

Because I knew what I had to offer scared you. 

I knew maybe you weren’t ready for someone like me.

And while I appreciate the apology, I think I’d appreciate more someone who doesn’t need to say sorry in the first place.



Open Topic

The Best People To Fall In Love With, Are The Ones With Depression.

The truth is we aren’t. 

I could tell you we feel things deeper. We care more. We are more sensitive and understanding and compassionate because the only thing worse than overcoming others, is overcoming your own demons. 

People with depression aren’t the best ones to fall in love with. We aren’t easy to deal with. We are complicated and don’t even understand ourselves sometimes. And there are days where we are completely intolerable and irrational and filled with such negativity it will drain you. There are a million healthier, less stressful people you could fall for.

Because the reality of falling in love with someone who has depression comes with entering a world and a topic you probably don’t know much about. But in time, you’ll learn first hand how depression affects someone.

There is nothing glamorized about the nights we fall apart and are a complete basket case and there’s going to be nothing you can do to fix it. And before your eyes, it’s not this person you might have fallen in love with. Everything about us looks the same but it’s like a switch went off and you’re trying to bring us back, but all you can do is watch in horror like we’ve transformed into some kind of monster. 

There is nothing lovely about those days where our head takes us to a really dark place and we become a version of ourselves we don’t recognize. Or those times we haven’t eaten or showered or left the house in days and you want to help but you feel helpless too. 

There’s a sadness to watching the person you love in public put on such an act and you watch because you know how good they are at fooling everyone. There’s a sadness to watching someone you love, make others and yourself so happy and you just want them to bring as much joy to themselves.

There’s a sadness to this person who doesn’t see themselves the way the rest of the world does and no matter how much you try to build them up, they knock themselves down.

There’s heartbreak to holding the person you love as they cry and they wonder why you love them. And they tell you to leave. They tell you can do better than someone who cannot control this mental illness that they blame themselves for. But you know it’s not their fault. You know when they push you away is when they need you most. 

To understand depression and loving someone with it means to understand they’ll say one thing and mean the other.

To love someone with depression is understanding a simple trigger will bring them to a very dark place they don’t wish to go to but can’t control. 

Understanding depression and loving someone is understanding a “bad day,” it’s just something they feel inside regardless of what is going on with them.

It’s knowing to not ask the question “why are depressed?” Because we don’t have an answer. 

It just comes in unwanted waves one after another drowning us in our own deep thoughts and we don’t want to reach for you to save us. We don’t want to seem like a burden. We don’t want you to feel obligated to be here out of guilt. Because we feel guilty enough for putting you through this. And that’s why people with depression are hardest to love. 

Loving someone with depression is the anticipation of those days. You’re always waiting for this thing to ruin your best day. It stays hidden lurking in the shadows. 

When you love someone with depression you want to help. You hold them in the late hours of the night when they are crying. You tell them to go back to sleep when it’s 2am and they are awake. 

You are the strength on their weak days and that’s a lot to ask of someone.

So no person with depression aren’t the best to fall in love with because it takes a very rare person to be able to tolerate that and choose to that. 

You begin to hate depression because it makes this person you love into someone they aren’t. And you have to keep reminding yourself “this isn’t them, it’s depression.” You hate it but you learn to accept it.

And together you begin to just take it one day at a time. You begin to appreciate the good days that are few and far between but make the bad days worth tolerating. 

If you love someone with depression and you can help them through their bad days, you can be the light in the darkness, be the company in states of loneliness, in return you will find someone who loves you unconditionally. 

You will find someone who will love you so deeply. 

You will find someone who will love you so hard it redefines what you thought love meant. 

You will find someone who will be loyal to you forever. 

You will find someone who will accept the worst parts about you and teach you to love that too. 

You’ll find someone who is always grateful for even the little things.

In return, you’ll have someone who will do anything for you and someone who will never stop telling you how much you mean to them. You’ll find someone who always puts effort into you even if it comes in the form of overcompensating. 

If you love someone with depression, you’ll realize and appreciate a new sense of beauty to all they are. Because there is something to be said about someone who picks themselves up every time they fall.

There is something to be said about someone who has the ability to channel this negativity in their life into something positive. 

There is something to be said about this person who works hard and stays busy and accomplishes a lot, simply because that’s what will keep them having “good days.” 

There is a strength to people with depression. There is a beauty to them. There is an appreciation for life despite those “bad days” where they question everything. And you’ll watch them handle all of this with as much grace as they can and you’ll love them even more for it. 

So maybe we aren’t the best people to fall in love with but once you do, there’s no going back.

Because on those bad days when we are crying and wondering why you deal with us when we tell you to leave, there will be the smallest glimmer of hope in our eyes, when you look at us and say, “I’m choosing to stay.” 




Open Topic

The Girl Who Has Her Shit Together.

Date the girl who knows where she’s going.

And wants to take you with her.

Date the girl who has dreams a little too big.

And the belief that she can achieve it.

Date the girl who is honest even if it makes her look bad.

Who is vulnerable and isn’t afraid of it.

Who is unapologetically authentic.

Date the girl who doesn’t need you to take care of her.

The girl who works her ass off, but also knows when and how to have a good time.

Date the girl you don’t want to hurt.

The one you hate disappointing.

The one you’d do anything for if you could.

Date the girl who makes you forget about every other one.

Date the girl you’d be proud to bring home to your parents.

The one who believes in you, even if you don’t see yourself that way.

Date the girl who makes you smile every time she walks into a room. 

And makes you feel like it’s just the two of you there.

Date the girl who makes you laugh.

But can also laugh at herself.

Date the girl who is independent.

But chooses you anyway because she wants you, not needs you.

Date the girl you can picture having a future with.

The one who is different and isn’t afraid to be herself.

The girl who might not be your type.

Date the girl who is nice. 

The girl who challenges you.

The one who makes you see things in a different light.

Date the girl who is willing to make sacrifices to be with you.

And would do anything to make it work.

Date the girl who accepts your flaws.

But more than that, doesn’t see any to begin with.

Date the girl who makes you want to take risks in life. 

The one who will tell you to go somewhere or do something.

The one who will hold your hand and give you that push if you need it.

Date the girl you can see yourself falling in love with.

Even if you aren’t ready.

Take a chance on her.

Date the girl who accepts your past.

Because she believes in a future together.

But most of all, date the girl who is going to make you a better man.


Open Topic

Most Valuable Player.

It doesn’t matter who it is. It doesn’t matter the time of day. 

There is something about texting and delays, I just can’t deal with sometimes.

It’s like my number 1 pet peeve. 

Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe I’m nuts.

I don’t know what it is? I don’t know why I can’t control it? 

But every time there is a delay in a conversation, my first thought is I’ve said something wrong or done something.

I immediately jump to ten million conclusions of why the other person on that end isn’t answering. Most come down to me. 

I create problems in my own head. I drive myself crazy. I look too frequently at my phone and jump at any movement. 

The logical part of my brain says, “not everyone has their phones on them all the time like you.” Or “maybe they are working and busy.” “Maybe they are taking a shower or on the phone.

The irrational part of my brain tells me the person is mad or annoyed or trying to irritate you by not answering. The irrational part of my brain says they don’t want to talk to you, they want nothing to do with you. It says everyone has their phone on them these days.

Next thing I know, I’m checking every one of their social media platforms to see activity in the event they are ignoring me. 

Honestly, there’s too much. Snapchat. Instagram. Facebook. Twitter. (Do people even communicate through twitter anymore?) SnapStories. InstaStories. Facebook Messager. InstaMessager. SnapMessages. SnapTexts not meaning as much as a real text. Completely forgetting the conversation because it disappears.

As someone who still writes hand written letters, I get completely lost in all of this. 

The following and adding etiquette is just too much for me. 

There’s something that really grinds my gears about a person who ignores your text, but then likes your instagram. There’s something really annoying about someone who will look at your snapchat story, but not answer your snap text. 

The person who you know has their phone on them always, but isn’t answering. The game of social media and the impact it has on people like me makes me feel crazy.

Whether the person’s intentions are melodious or not my, paranoid ass comes up with every worst case scenario. 

And every time I’m contemplating sending a double text, knowing very well I shouldn’t.

And if it’s someone like my best friend who isn’t impacted by multiple lengthy texts, they will come back to their phone with a novel written, that’ll take them approximately 7 minutes to read. Or a tag, share, and a snap. 

I analyze the length of texts and overanalyze every chosen word. I reread shit I’ve said more than once. I think way too much. But the root of it is caring.

I care a lot about what people think. I care a lot about saying the wrong things. Or saying too much. 

Every text will be followed by I’m sorry. 

And maybe I answer texts too quickly. Maybe I don’t play that texting game you’re supposed to when talking to someone. Maybe I do everything wrong. But if the worst thing someone could say about me are my texting and social media habits and the fact I care maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am. 

But to all those people who answer back quickly, who provide explanations for delays, deal with the long texts and tags completely accepting it and care to hold a conversation where it isn’t just me asking questions, you are the real most valuable player. 



Open Topic

When Tomorrow Comes.

I’ll probably wake up and you’ll be my first thought like you are every day. 

I’ll reach for my phone and wonder if I’ll see your name. 

Another like, another comment, I shouldn’t think too much about but I do. 

I’ll get on with my day and start it as always. 

I’ll get through the afternoon and your name will appear. 

Either a generic text or some test to see if I’ll answer.

I’ll put down my phone and keep working like it isn’t bothering me.

And on the other end, you’ll wonder what it is I’m doing. 

Maybe you’ll send another just to see if I answer.

And the day will continue as it quickly turns to night. 

And there will be so many things I want to tell you. Things I used to use as excuses to talk to you. Reasons to simply say something. Anything. But I won’t.

Then your name will appear in the form of a text. 

Asking a question this way, you get an answer. 

You don’t think I know your game, but I do. 

And I’ll want to answer. 

I’ll want to talk. 

Because you’ve always been my favorite part of the day.

But it’s a conversation that will go unspoken. 

And one that will irk you with the same lack of responses as it did me. 

So many times before. 

I’ll wait a little longer thinking about what I’d say. 

But I’ll simply put down the phone. 

When tomorrow comes I won’t answer. 

At least that’s what I keep telling myself.


Open Topic

I Am Done.

I’m done. And I hate saying that. I hate giving up on someone who gave me so much to look forward to. I hate giving up on someone who made me so happy most of the time. “Most of the time” being the key words there. 

But I was holding onto and chasing after something that might not even have been there in the first place.

I hate thinking if I gave it one more shot or tried a little harder, just maybe it would have worked out.

But it wasn’t me that needed to try harder. And that’s what I’ll keep reminding myself.

I’m done trying so hard for someone who makes me feel like I’m the one not good enough for you.

I’m done sending every first text and keeping a conversation going.

You were polite but I didn’t need that, I needed honesty.

But it was never me you were unsure of, it was yourself.

I’m done trying so hard for someone who I’ve built up in my head to be greater than they are.

But from the bottom of my heart, I really did believe you were everything.

And while I wouldn’t have changed a thing about you, it kind of felt like I had to change who I was, to even consider being noticed by you.

And I tried. I couldn’t have tried harder for someone.

I don’t know what more I could have done. I don’t know what kinder words I could have said.

But I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m out of ideas of how to win you over.

If you have to try that hard they probably aren’t worth it. But I wanted you to be.

I didn’t want to look back the months and consider them wasted.

I’m done trying to defend you when my friends say I’m wasting my time. Because I didn’t want them to be right about you. Because I really did think you were different.

I’m done going out of my way to see you or try to make you happy.

I’m done staring at a phone wondering when you’ll answer.

I’m done playing some game I didn’t sign up for, and every time I learned the rules, you simply put the game on pause.

I’m done feeling like some option when all I’ve ever done is make you a priority. 

But the truth is I’ve never stopped believing in you. I’ve never stopped trying. I’ve built you up in moments where I was drowning under the surface and you didn’t even think to ask how I was doing. I’m done having every conversation about you. I’m done putting you before myself.

And maybe this is on me. You didn’t ask for this and I didn’t intend for any of this to escalate as much as it did. But that’s relationships, you fall without intending to even if you know the person won’t catch you.

But I’m done trying. Because there isn’t anyone I tried harder for. There wasn’t anyone I tried to make happier.

I couldn’t fill whatever void you needed me to. I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. But I tried. I tried so hard to be everything I could for you. But even my best wasn’t enough.

And that’s the hardest thing in the entire world, your best not being good enough for someone. And you thinking you were to blame.

It’s looking at your reflection and not fixating upon flaws. But when the only person you care about is the one you can’t get, you don’t look at them. You look at yourself like it’s everything you’ve done wrong. And you want to try harder. You want to do more. You think one day you’ll prove you deserve them.

And I’m not one to quit. But I think walking away even if it hurts will lead us to the things we both deserve. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person for you.

And in time I’ll muster whatever strength I have to ignore you. In time I won’t answer.

At first, the days you don’t notice we speak will seem like a marathon of life without you, because you were always my favorite part of the day.

But one day you’ll begin to notice my absence. One day you’ll send a text I won’t answer back immediately or at all. One day that snap will go opened and that uncolored blue arrow will annoy you as much as it did me so many times. One day I won’t be your first like or comment. One day it’ll appear like I don’t care.

And on that day where we cross paths and I’m holding the hand of someone I wanted so badly to be you, you’ll see an unwavering strength to my smile and a hello that would have broken me a long time ago. 

Because I’ll always look at you at what we could have been, but the what-ifs and maybes are a tired game of make-belief that I tried to play with for so long.

But eventually, I will have found something more real than what I came up with in my head.

I will have found someone who is as honest with me as I was with you. I will have found someone who cares about me as I did you. I will have found someone who meets me halfway in a life where I’ve only known giving everyone and everything my all to a point where it made me look bad. I will have found someone who appreciates me as I did you, if only you could have reciprocated it.

And you’ll look at me and I’ll look at you and we will both know it wasn’t supposed to end that way. But it did. And that’s when it’ll hit you. That’s when you’ll know the same thing I knew about us for so long.

This new person didn’t have to see me with someone else to realize my value. And that’s the difference between you two.

Open Topic

My Joey.

I wake to a jostle of the bed, and the wet, whisker-fuzzy feeling of dog kisses on my face.

Of course the dog wanted to be with me. He’s obsessed with me.

Now, much like when we first got him, I’m unemployed and depressed.

When we got Joey, a wild, beautiful, needy, rambunctious 9 month old chihuahua, I was at home all the time. We were like glue. I was with him 24/7, keeping him from chewing on wires, wiping up his accidents, watching him sleep.

I have chronic depression and bipolar disorders. I’ve had both for as long as I can remember. The depression waxes and wanes, but the bipolar is constant.

Before Joey, there were times that I was too hopeless to leave my bed for entire days. There were times when I was afraid to leave my place to buy coffee because I thought the barista would judge me.

While he never wanted to cuddle, he always wanted to be near me. If I left him alone, he would scream the entire time. Desperate, high-pitched, I’m-dying-here-without-you howls.

He needed me to pay attention to him. He needed me to stay engaged.

Joey has been good for my mental health, just not exactly in the way that I’d hoped.

Forcing me to engage with the world

You know that feeling when you just want to stay in bed another 10 minutes before you have to face the day? Or when you have a project to work on and you’ve been putting off getting started — a little guilty, a little anxious, you know what you need to do but you just can’t start?

Now, imagine magnifying those feelings as large as you can. Never get out of bed. Never start your project. This is how I’ve for as long as I can remember.

But it was different with Joey. He gives me a sense of purpose.

During times when I was unable to take concrete steps toward bettering my life and career, I was able to house train Joey.

There were days when I never showered and put on real clothes. I’ve always stayed in pajamas because I had no reason to.

I assumed he’d get easier as he got bigger. I thought the training would pay off, and it has. He was the easiest and most trainable dog I ever had and he still is. I fantasized that one day I could take him to a park and he wouldn’t lunge at scones or bark at anyone or wanna bite their ankles off.

Joey is pretty confident. It’s his life’s mission to meet and befriend every dog he sees. I, however, suffer from social anxiety. I replay conversations weeks and even months later. I loathe small talk; my mind goes completely blank, and I trying to think of something, anything at all, to say.

The problem is that between his personality and the fact that people are drawn to the cuteness of chihuahuas, I have something to talk about with people. It’s impossible to leave my house without having to discuss my dog with at least five strangers.

I thought a dog would be a sturdy, assuring presence, but what I got was a needy, frenetic beast. Still, he helps by being work that I can’t hide from and can’t ignore.

But in the face of this living, breathing fur ball who loves me, my depression and bipolar surrender. I have to take care of him.

He wasn’t the kind of dog I envisioned. I thought he’d keep me company when I was lonely and comfort me when I was sad. But he doesn’t cuddle or approach me to assuage my depression.

So, with Joey at my side, I’ve gotten way more comfortable with small talk. When I avoid people now, I know it’s for a reason other than my social anxiety.

I couldn’t pull myself out of it to attend to him, and he didn’t understand why, which made me feel guilty on top of everything else.

The same behaviors that make it impossible for me to mentally check out can, on worse days, spur my bipolar into full bloom. Some days, when he scratches at me to take him outside or snatches a something from the sidewalk because he eats everything, I feel like I’m at my wit’s end.

But ultimately, I love him. Sometimes I wonder if I would’ve slipped further into despair without Joey.

When I think I’m worthless, I think about how elated he is to see me when I come home, how he follows me from room to room. Many dog owners probably feel more self-worth because of the intensity of their dog’s love.

But you know what else makes me feel good? Thinking about what a good person I am for keeping him. Many reasonable, non-depressed people would’ve thrown in the towel.

If you want a traditional therapy animal, get an old dog, a lap dog, a chill, “who rescued who?” dog that just wants to rest its head on your knee and sigh.

Or do what I did: Get a chihuahua, throw your entire self into caring for him — even on days when you literally skip brushing your hair — and hope for the best.

Open Topic

Finding Yourself.

A lack of a strong self often flares up during times of change or transition in our lives, since often times we mistake our sense of self for things like: the city we live in, the person we are married to, our job, career, money, family, status, etc.

Our true self does not come from our outer-life.

It comes from our inner-life.

So when we move to a new place, leave a job, have a baby, see our grown kids leave the house, get married, or start in a new position, we often find ourselves thinking, “who am I?” This is normal and also an invitation into a deeper journey of finding yourself.

Here is my own personal definition for finding yourself:

Finding yourself is the process of discovering who you are and why you matter apart from outside achievements, relationships, and even in the face of great challenges or in life’s shifting environments. A person who is finding herself is learning to trust the sound of her own voice, listen to her intuition, take action based on her convictions, face conflict and criticism with grace and power, and to visit that place of peace inside herself, despite what is happening around her.

When you have a strong sense of self, you are able to adapt well to changes, to soothe yourself in times of sadness or discomfort, stay true to your convictions (even when there is outside pressure), avoid codependent or manipulative relationships, set boundaries with pushy people in your life, leave behind a constant need for approval, drop the guilt, receive criticism, act authentically, lead gracefully, and take responsibility for your life—no matter how it turns out.

Yes, it is a huge task to “find ourselves” and one that is never fully finished. In fact, once we feel like we’ve “mastered it” life usually hands us more challenging and interesting situations to help us continue our path of growth.

The good news is that it is never too late to begin your work. In fact, if you are feeling profoundly lost as you read this, you are in a beautiful place.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending —Brene Brown

Open Topic

This Is To Every Girl.

This is to every girl who thinks very carefully about what to say and when you say it.

The ones who think a little too deeply into what seems like a simple ‘’like.”

This is to every girl who starts conversations because she wants to hear from someone who doesn’t even think twice about her.

The girls who miss people and aren’t afraid to say it.

The one’s who are told their vulnerability is a weakness.

This is to every girl who is told she needs to change and be different than who she is to win someone over.

This is to every girl who couldn’t be fake if she tried.

This is to every girl who has ever gotten her hopes up and been disappointed. 

The ones who wear their hearts on their sleeve and aren’t afraid of getting hurt.

This is to every girl who listens a little too closely to lyrics.

This is every girl who has ever cried herself to sleep over some guy who didn’t deserve her, all the while she analyzed what she did wrong.

This is to every girl who cringes when she gets a plus 1 invite, and ducks out to the bathroom right before the slow dance.

This is to every girl who ever been canceled on last minute.

Smiling and hiding the disappointment because she was looking forward to it but in the back of her mind, expected to be disappointed.

This is to every girl who answers texts to quickly and doesn’t care to play the dating game.

The ones who believe dating should be as simple as “I like you, you like me let’s do this.”

To every girl has ever been told she’s too easy to read.

This is to every girl who doesn’t hurt others because they’d never want someone to feel the way they have.

This is to every girl who has ever been dumped and watched a relationship slip between her fingers doing everything she could have to save it. 

The one who cried on the bathroom floor holding his sweatshirt not knowing why it ended.

This is to every girl who has had to be strong enough to pick up the broken pieces of her heart.

The one who looks back at the pictures and still believes love is there.

To every hopeless romantic who has been told they are wrong.

This is to every girl who has woken up and put on a smile even though you and I both know, you cried yourself to sleep.

To every girl who is broken but still loves anyway.

This is to every girl who has ever heard everything she’s ever wanted just a little too late.

The girls who look at their reflection wondering if it’s their flaws that make them wrong.

The ones who try too hard. 

The ones who love too deeply.

The ones who believe in love despite a lot of heartbreak.

The ones who give chances like it’s something free to be handed to someone.

This is to every girl who has ever gone more than halfway.

The ones who would do anything for the people they care about.

But would never ask for help in return.

This is to every girl who never says no, even if it’s an inconvenience to them.

To the girls who make sacrifices for the guys who don’t care.

The ones who say I love you and the guys reply, ‘I know.’

To every girl who has ever been used and abused and ignored.

The ones who mistake making love for being in it.

The girls who answer every text regardless of if they’ve been ignored by that same person.

The girls who defend these guys against everyone because they believe in the person they are. 

I want you to know believing in them is a strength, not weakness.

This is to every girl who has never gotten what they deserve but believes that they deserve it.

The girls who have faith in people despite being let down.

The ones who believe “maybe this new person won’t be the one to hurt me.”

This is to every girl who has been told she’s not good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough or smart enough or his type, and that’s why he doesn’t like me.

This is to every girl who has given it her all, only watch him commit to someone after, when he told you he “wasn’t the relationship type”

This is to every girl who still believes in love. 

I want you to know one day you will get what you deserve.

This is to every girl who thinks they are flawed.

I want you to know you’re beautiful.

To every girl who has spent a little too long getting ready.

I want you to know you’re beautiful without the effort.

To every girl who has spent days staring at your phone.

I want you to know one day he will answer.

This is to every girl who has ever settled and accepted less than she deserved.

You and I both know it wasn’t out of lack of self-esteem.

It was your belief in someone else that kept you going.

I want you to know it takes a rare type of person to see the good in someone when you’re presented with bad.

This is to every girl who refuses to settle. 

I want you to know it’ll happen soon.

This is to every girl who hasn’t gotten what she’s deserved YET.

I want you to hold onto faith.

I don’t want you to change.

Because one day, everything you continue to give to people who don’t deserve it, will come back to ten folds. 

Trust me. 


Open Topic

Crossroad.

I can’t keep doing this. 

I can’t keep trying so hard. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen for you in the first place. 

There are a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have done. But I did. 

And now here I am the one at the crossroad.

I’m caught somewhere between trying harder and giving up. 

I hate the thought of not having you in my life. 

I hate the thought of not being able to text you when I feel like. 

But what I hate more than that is this feeling of being inadequate. 

Always not feeling good enough. 

This feeling of no matter how hard I try, it’ll be enough to simply catch your attention for a moment or two.

A moment when you’re bored. 

A moment when you need a confidence boost. 

A moment when you’re lonely and need company. 

But those moments that fill space in your life mean nothing to you end up meaning everything to me. 

And that’s what I hang onto. 

You turn to me at your worst and I give you my best, yet it never seems to be enough.

I can’t keep trying. 

I can’t hope one day you’ll wake up and realize.

It hurts to let go. But it also hurts holding onto to someone who isn’t even reaching for me in the slightest. 

And maybe I look dumb. But there’s a difference between stupidity and stubbornness. 

I want to be right about you. 

I want to know this person I see you at on your good days is really who you are to the core. 

But then there are moments I don’t even recognize you. 

You’re selfish and mean and I don’t know which to believe anymore. 

I can’t keep staring at my phone hoping this time you’ll answer. I can’t keep hoping you’ll be this person I know I deserve.

And I can’t keep hanging onto your good days and dismiss the bad ones.

It kills me to let go. But what will hurt more is the moment I realize I was the only one holding on.


Open Topic

Love, Toxic.

If you ask me about toxic relationships I could tell you about the best person I know.

He’s handsome, loving, kind, and hardworking. I could tell you he got handed a lot of shitty cards and turned it around and made the best of the situation, using what would make a lot of us angry and bitter as fuel to succeed.

If you ask me about toxic relationships, I’ll always smile a little. I smile because I know the truth about toxic relationships and toxic people.

Sometimes people are simply toxic for each other. They aren’t always bad people but they could be bad for you.

Sometimes two people with the best intentions and best hearts combine and combust like elements that just don’t match.

If you ask me about overcoming a toxic relationship, I use the word “love” to describe it.

The love I had for an individual I didn’t want to give up on. Someone I wanted more than I wanted anyone. Someone I would have done anything for. Someone who got a hundred chances when I barely gave most people two. The same one who got away with a lot of things that wouldn’t have flown with anyone else. But the truth was with him it was different.

And the toxic parts of our relationship crushed me. I use the word “toxic” because that’s what it was.

I could tell you about the times I’d stare at my cell phone and I knew he put on the read receipt to fuck with me then not answer. Or about the conversations that escalated into fights and him dropping some line because he wanted to get to me and he knew exactly how. I could tell you about the screaming and arguments and how it always ended with an apology and I love you that made it feel okay. I could tell you, he probably took out a lot of things he was going throughout on me, simply because he could.

I could tell you about the night my mother picked me up drunk off the bathroom floor as I wept in her arms because I missed him during another few months we weren’t speaking.

I could tell you about the coy games of social media of adding each other and deleting each other so often.

I could tell you that there wasn’t a kiss that filled me with such fire and passion in the moments we were together. And I could tell you how every time he’d leave my heart would break.

I could tell you about the circles we ran in for years and every time he’d disappear and come back, I secretly hoped this time would be different. I could tell you I looked at my future and I saw him there. I could tell you about the fights I’d get into with friends as I defended him but what they saw was the self-destruction he was causing in my life.

But the truth about it was, I hurt myself loving him. I changed loving someone like that. I went from someone who demanded respect to someone who didn’t want relationships unless they had that toxic adrenaline rush. I went from someone who had expectations of how to be treated to expecting to be treated like shit because that’s what I was used to. I lost myself trying to love him and what happened was I ended up in a lot of similar relationships where I wasn’t treated the way I deserved.

So when I say “love” and “toxic” in the same sentence it is love but what you have to realize is, it wouldn’t have been toxic if the love was reciprocated.

And that was the difference. I loved him and he couldn’t love me the way I needed him to.

We each needed something of each other and we kept trying to find something that wasn’t there. We kept holding on and hurting each other because that’s what we were used to.

And people ask was there a breaking point?

And there were a lot of little things.

Sitting in my car outside his house because I wasn’t allowed in. Sneaking around and hiding because we were some secret. Meeting girls and I had to pretend like it didn’t faze me, when in reality, if I pulled out my phone and showed her a conversation, I could have ended things right there. Going stag to events I wanted him to be my plus one to and always being let down.

There wasn’t a single moment where I had enough because with every one of those moments that should have pushed me away, I was like a moth to light it attracted me more.

But after a while, I just got really tired. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. And I walked away still loving him. I walked away still thinking the world of him. I walked away still thinking he was a great guy.

He was and is a great guy. And what took me years to realize was we weren’t good together.

Trying to force anything will just end in destruction. This so happened to be self-destruction.

And as years passed and we reconnected not at a level of intimacy but friendship. I looked at him and flashes from the past always came back to me looking in his eyes. But an even more clear moment was sitting across from him as we stared at each other and I felt nothing.

I was over him. The same person I never thought I’d get over, I did.

And we parted ways with a kiss on the cheek and him being the one to say I love you first and I knew this time he meant it. And I drove away listening to the song that used to be ours and it no longer hurt.

What I learned overcoming a toxic relationship and allowing it to be a friendship first was about forgiveness. Second, was about the love that didn’t fade but changed form. And third, was sometimes the people we want to be with most are the ones we are best without. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not get what you want. Because it’s only then, you get what you deserve.



Open Topic

I Am Pulling Away.

I’ll pull away when I think I’m being too much to handle. 

I’ll want to apologize for something I might have done wrong.

But at the same time, I don’t want to bother you. 

I’m caught somewhere between giving up and trying to make it right.

The truth is, I don’t want to be the first one to text you every time. 

I don’t want to make the effort all the time and plan things. 

I want to feel wanted.

I want to feel like you want me in your life and it isn’t just me trying for this thing. 

But more than that, I want you to notice that I’m pulling away. 

I want you to want me to stay. 

I don’t want to leave, but I kind of feel I have to. 

I want to take off, but look back and see you behind me. 

I want you to ask me to stay. 

Because the honest truth about leaving is, all any girl wants is someone who doesn’t want them to and does something to prove it.

Someone who will chase after us when we go. 

Someone who will grab us by the wrist, pulls us in and says, “I want you to stay, I need you to stay.”

We pull away because we feel unwanted. Unappreciated. We feel like a burden when we have to try too hard. So we stop.

We look for reasons to leave because the only thing scarier than leaving is finding someone who makes us want to stay.

The only thing scarier than leaving is finding someone who doesn’t want us to. 

So we take off running because that’s what we are good at. 

We look forward and not back out of fear that one day we’ll find someone who gives us a reason to turn around.

That person who gives us a reason to stop. 

That person who doesn’t let us go.

And the honest truth about people who leave is, finding that same thing we want but fear. Finding someone who makes us stop running.

Open Topic

Being Friends With An Overthinker.

Sometimes I’d love to just lay it all out on the line, what someone is signing up for before becoming my friend. This is what you’re getting into and I understand if it’s too much to handle. 

At first, you’re going to be really impressed with how I have it all together, so it seems. Every to-do list. Every goal list. How I’m always doing something and need to stay busy. The truth is, that’s how I’m wired. When I’m busy I’m not overthinking. I’m not dwelling on the past or worried about the future.

I’m constantly making up scenarios in my mind as my mind plays some trick on me telling me multiple things I can’t process. My mind does not shut off ever. It’s exhausting.

The truth is, there’s a lot of things you won’t notice it at first.

You won’t notice how much I overthink things because not everything I think comes out of my mouth. You won’t notice how often I overanalyze details.

You won’t notice the stream of questions that go through my mind or the moments I doubt you. Those moments I wonder if you’re lying, even though you gave me no reason to suspect that. It’s just the way my mind works.

At first, you’ll simply wonder why I’m not sleeping without realizing something happened that day and it’s been on my mind all day. At first, you won’t realize every irrational fear and worry. What you will notice is how quickly I answer texts or how I always show up on time and follow through with plans.

As you get to know me, even then, I’ll try and conceal this thing I hate about myself.

You’ll begin to see texts becoming longer and returning to your phone with more than one. You’ll listen as I overanalyze an event and try to see it from many different perspectives. 

You’ll notice how long it takes me to make a decision because I fear making the wrong one. You’ll listen as I read texts out loud and ask “does that sound okay?” You’ll soon get the screenshots of conversations as I wonder what it means. Because in my mind, nothing is ever what it seems.

As we talk and engage in conversation more and more you’ll notice how one-word texts really annoy me.

You’ll notice how painfully honest I am because I want the same from you. I want you to tell me when I’ve done something wrong. I want you to tell me to tone it down a notch or two. But more than that, I want you to tell me it’s okay.

As I get more comfortable with you, you’ll notice exactly how much anxiety and overthinking affect my everyday life.

You’ll notice how I’m always the one to make plans and organizing things. The root of it isn’t the want and need to be a control freak, but I can’t control this thing in my life so I try to control other things.

You’ll see us go out and what will seem like a great time as we throw back shots laughing, quickly turns into a moral hangover of me apologizing for whatever I said or did I don’t remember. You’ll notice more than one miss call. And in my mind, I’ll think you’re mad at me.

If ever we do fight, I’ll be the first to apologize because I hate not addressing things. I will always want to talk things out and try to fix things.

People who overthink are fixers. It’s a good and bad thing because sometimes we want to fix things that aren’t even a problem to begin with.

If I could give anyone advice about being friends with an over thinker I’d say explain things even if it’s little and it doesn’t seem like much, it might mean a lot to us.

Listen. Listening will help you understand why we are the way we are. To you, it might not seem like much but sometimes just listening is everything.

This is how I came to this conclusion. This is why I think this. And I might be completely wrong with the conclusion I’ve drawn, but that’s what is bothering me. And I need you to tell me it’s okay. I need you to tell me you’re not going anywhere despite any mistake I’ve made.

Try to answer quickly. Delays in responses or going days without speaking will lead us to analyze things from years ago, we are going to think you’re mad about. We’ll pull every skeleton from any closet to get to the bottom of this.

Every situation in my mind always leads to the same road of something I’ve done wrong and something I need to apologize for.

It always leads to the worst case scenario of zero to a hundred.

The honest truth is, I over think things because I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want people to leave. And while I don’t want to come across as clingy or needy, the people I choose to have in my life I truly value.

So it’ll come in the form of thank yous and apologies that might not be necessary. But just take it all with a grain of salt.

Because if you can deal with this and help me learn to live with it, what you’ll get in return is someone who loves you unconditionally. Someone who will be loyal to you until the end. Someone who will drop anything when you need me to. You’ll get someone who is always honest with you and will tell you things like they are. But more than that, you’ll get someone who truly does care about you and wants you to be apart of their life and will do anything to show you your value.

I’m not easy, but I like to think I’m worth it. Because I can’t control the way my mind works, but what I can control is showing appreciation for the people who choose to stay.

Open Topic

I May Be Strong, But It’s Exhausting.

Even the strongest girls get tired of their responsibilities. They get tired of taking care of themselves all the time, they forget about appointments they’ve made and bills they have to pay. They get tired of the independent life they chose to live. They get tired of everyone’s expectations and the number of people counting on them. They get tired of it all but they can’t find the courage to ask for help because the world expects them to be fine without any help. The world expects them to overcome everything on their own.

Even the strongest girls need love. They don’t like loneliness, they don’t like rejection, they don’t like being the man and the woman in their own lives, they don’t like being their own hero. They always save their own day, lift themselves up, be their own best friend and sometimes their biggest fan but they want to remember what it’s like to have someone do that for them every once in a while. They miss the support and the comfort of having a man to lean on, a man by their side, a man reminding them that they don’t have to do everything alone. They get tired of the emotional labor they have to put in to lift themselves up — sometimes they just need a helping hand.

Even the strongest girls break down. When they’ve had enough, when they’ve been strong for too long they just can’t do it anymore. When they can’t get out of bed because their hearts are heavy, when they can’t think clearly anymore because their minds are scattered and their thoughts are messed up. When they feel like everything they’ve ever worked for is falling apart and when they feel like their strength is often their curse, not their blessing.

Even the strongest girls need a break. They need someone to lead the way. They need to know that they don’t have to do this forever. They need life to slow down so they can recharge their batteries to keep going. They need to feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable and ask for help and admit that some things are more than they can handle. They need to feel like they’re human beings too, not just robots expected to always be fine and do things right and walk away and stay positive.

Even the strongest girls feel drained. From everything they have to do to keep that label and everything they have to do to continue living their best lives without people taking them for granted or walking all over them.

Even the strongest girls get tired of being so strong because it was never something they were born with, it was something they had to develop because of all the hardships they had to face and all the challenges they had to overcome and all the heartbreaks they had to endure.

Even the strongest girls miss who they used to be before the world taught them how to become someone else, before the world taught them the art of being alone because people always leave and before the world taught them that counting on others will always end up in disappointment.

Open Topic

My Personal Story Of Addiction.

I have been shamed, embarrassed, and at times stigmatized. Even today, years later, I fear retribution, liability, and even prosecution. Some of this may have been deserved at one time, but today my story is one of success. It is a story of hope, of support and of recovery. I share this intimate tale so that you can hear the human side of addictive disease, of its treacherous grip, and of the freedom and confidence from which I have emerged from this terrifying illness.

My drug use did not begin until I was 18, but at 25 is when it started to be serious. One evening a friend introduced me crack. The result was perfect. To me, it was like a cup of coffee, only better. I soon learned how easy it was to get the drug.

I found myself using more and more of the substance just to numb everything I’ve been feeling. It was an escape from all my problems and pain. I gave little thought to this drug. After all, I was no street junkie making covert deals in dark alleys. As I got more and more into the addiction, I was thinking it was no big deal. So I thought.

My drug use escalated. I was out of control, but getting by, working at the bar and getting quick money just to get that high for that night.

Throughout this time I still felt on top. Despite my drug use, I am an educated woman with a good childhood.

Fortunately, when everything was crumbling around me, I got support and advice. With the guidance of Professional Health Services, I got into a treatment program that helped me realize that I suffered from a virulent illness and was both worthy and deserving of help. I was medically detoxified from the effects of the medications I had now stopped taking. I learned to take responsibility for my behaviors, but also to recognize that I had been sick and could certainly get well. I learned that addiction would be a lifelong condition, but not a lifelong impairment, and I agreed to a long term monitoring in an outpatient facility. To comply with this, I had to work hard. I saw a therapist to address issues of addiction, shame, honesty and interpersonal relationships. I submitted to regular and random drug screens. I tried to attend support group meetings, met with sponsors and mentors, but I refused to go after a period of time because meetings made me want to use all the time, but in doing so, I still managed to change my life dramatically.

Fast forward, I started to steal money, credit cards, and do whatever it took to get money for my next high. One day a detective, not one, but 3 within a months time came to the door inquiring about fraudulent activity. The reality of the situation took months to sink in. My reaction was disbelief. I was no druggie engaged in covert activities, and I was certainly no criminal. I was an admired and a respected person. I was sure the entire misunderstanding would be cleared up with a smile and an apology. I could not have been more wrong.

The shame and magnitude of my tumble was immeasurable. Not only did I face the legal and professional ramifications of fraudulent activity, but I had to cope with the personal humiliation of a fall from grace. I was no longer the icon of success I had worked a lifetime to achieve. I was now tainted, not only in the eyes of my family and loved ones for the very first time, in my own.

After months of treatment, in and out of rehab after rehab, learning about my disease and learning about myself, I came back home feeling strong. I was healthy, drug free, clear thinking, and ready to pull myself back together and get a career. Unfortunately, my career was not yet ready for me. I relapsed a few times till I was ready to quit completely on my own.

The greatest challenge of all was the subsequent public disgrace. There was no mention of my recovery from illness nor of the months and years of personal work and growth I had achieved. What was to be a day of celebration had become a day of pain and shame.

Although I was angry and frustrated with the obstacles I was facing, I now had the tools to deal with this stress. Through Professional services I had a physician support group where I could meet and learn from other therapist and patients who faced these same struggles. I had an outlet for sharing my experiences and for learning from example that there was indeed hope for my future. And most importantly, I had my sobriety and my health.

Ultimately, It was no easy journey. The process took years. During this time I was doubted by others and I doubted myself. But now I am stronger. I have the confidence of knowing that whatever ills befall me, I can heal. As a result, I am a better healer. I am more open-mind and less likely to pass judgment. I have learned that medicine is not about being powerful or respected, but about being respectful and compassionate. I have learned, like all people, have the susceptibility to become ill and the capacity to become well. However, to encourage wellness we, as a profession, need to provide resources and nurturance, not shame and humiliation. I am now sober and can’t imagine facing life any other way. And I share this story so that all of those still suffering will know that they, too, can embark successfully upon this journey.

Open Topic

The Death Of Our Relationship Ended Because Of You.

I speak the truth when I say I want you to know from the bottom of my heart how much of an impact you have made in my life. You have changed my life for the better, as I’m now no longer the leading role in your web of lies.

The death of our relationship happened because you simply couldn’t make a change. You simply couldn’t be a man and own up to your own demons—those demons to whom you so willingly lost the battle. You simply couldn’t care for anyone other than yourself.

You decided to end our relationship when you continuously placed your friends and your own wants and needs over mine. Over mine when I would simply drop anything at any time just to make you smile.

I made you my top priority while you made me your least. I would literally be there at the snap of your finger! If I had known what rubbing your lamp would cause, I would have never let that genie out of the bottle in the first place. I would have never continued this never-ending battle with a manipulative jerk.

But, now that you and I are no longer together, I have time. I have time to breathe. I have time to think. I have had the time to realize that it was never me who had all those insecurities. It was actually you.

So, I congratulate you. I congratulate you on losing the best damn thing that ever walked into your life. I congratulate you on making me think it was my own insecurities that failed our relationship.

I want to congratulate you on also being the BEST manipulator there was. You truly avoided any responsibility for your own conduct throughout this relationship. And you avoided it constantly by blaming me in order to deflect the real issue in the relationship—you. So, cheers to you!

As you look in that rearview mirror while you lay in bed at night, I hope I haunt you like you haunted me for so long.

I hope you see what a blessing I truly was in your life.

I hope you realize I made you the best version of yourself while you were with me. I hope you understand there will never be another woman like me to stick around and deal with your bullshit.

I hope you search for those simple yet sweet love letters I left you when you traveled. I hope you search for that care packet I left you because you were always leaving something behind that I knew you needed. I truly held you down through your darkest moments and that’s the most fucked up part of our story.

I hope you realize that loving someone does not mean destroying every ounce of them. I want you to know how much I tried to earn your love. However, it was never enough. I could never force you to love me as I loved you.

I remember feeling so empty, trying to help you fight those inner battles with yourself. I remember trying to show you what love was. I remember being the only girl to have gotten so close to changing you and your bad habits.

I remember once being the girl whom you thought had changed the game. The thing is though, no matter how much I learned lessons through our brokenness, it didn’t matter because you still never internalized the concept of loving someone else besides yourself.

This whole time in our relationship, I was loving you more and more each day despite your bullshit, but you never loved me. You only loved yourself.

Just remember that what goes around comes around. Maybe that’s why you jump from relationship to relationship with each ending being the same? Leaving each woman you’ve played your games with insecure and broken-hearted.

But sweetie please don’t worry about me because I now understand my self-worth and I now know how to spot a narcissist the next time I see him. No longer will I hold someone down like you ever again. So go ahead and have your fun with someone else.

Just remember what goes around comes around. And if karma is anywhere near my side, I’ll be able to watch it unfold as you did with our relationship.

Open Topic

I Am A Strong Woman Because I Was Raised By One.

For as long as I can remember, people around me have admired my inner power.

Some of them were maybe even jealous of it.

Some openly praised me and some did it without me hearing, but everyone who knew me had huge respect for it.

Even my closest friends wondered how I had the ability to always walk through life with my head held high.

How do I always find a way to get up even if I fall and to find a solution for the worst situation?

For years, I was proud of myself for this.

I thought that I was simply emotionally and mentally strong by nature and that I accomplished everything in this world on my own, without anyone holding my hand or showing me the path.

Oh boy, how wrong I was.

There is no doubt about one thing: I should definitely thank myself for being like this as well.

However, there exists one person who sacrificed her entire life and who put all of her efforts in me becoming like this.

There exists one person to whom I owe everything I ever was am or will become. 

And that person is my mother, the strongest woman alive.

Thanks to her, I am the woman I am today.

Thanks to her, I’m ready for whatever life might throw at me.

Thanks to her, I’m not scared or weak.

Thanks to her, nothing and nobody can put me down.

Thanks to her, I know my worth and don’t allow anyone to diminish it.

Thanks to her, I don’t settle for less and don’t let the people who don’t deserve a place in my life to even get one step closer to me.

Thanks to my mother who has always been an incredibly strong woman, I became a strong girl.

And that is a gift which has no price.

You see, my mother never brainwashed me into telling me that I mustn’t allow myself to be weak.

She never talked about what it meant to be a strong woman and how you become one.

Instead, she showed me everything I needed to know through her own example. 

She taught me what is the only way to survive this harsh world by showing me the practical way to do it.

My mother never once told me that I should be ashamed of my emotions or that tears and emotional pain were a sign of weakness.

However, she did show me how to handle them the best way and how to heal myself after getting hurt.

She never tried convincing me that I don’t need a man or that I’m better off alone.

She wasn’t telling me that they were all douchebags who don’t deserve my love and sympathy.

However, she showed me that it was possible to live without a man by your side.

She taught me that losing the guy you care for is not the end of the world and that there is nothing wrong in being single for as much as you want.

My mother never told me that I should be ashamed for allowing someone to break my heart or for making wrong choices.

Instead, she kept telling me that we all make mistakes but that true strength can be seen in the way we correct them.

And that is exactly what she tried hard to teach me: how not to repeat my mistakes and how to learn from them.

How not to give second chances to those who never deserved them and how not to give people a green light to continue hurting me.

My mother never once told me that I was weak if I fall and break.

She never judged me for reaching rock bottom or for allowing myself to be consumed by the pain.

Nevertheless, she did teach me how to get back up, how to pick up the shattered pieces of my crushed heart, how to glue myself back together, and how to turn my deepest wounds into scars which will serve me as nothing but reminders of everything I’ve been through.

She never tried convincing me that I am better than everyone else nor did she try teaching me how to be selfish and egoistic.

However, she has spent her entire life making sure I know how valuable I am and teaching me that settling for less than she deserves is the worst thing a woman can do to herself.

She taught me to always believe in myself, even when others are trying to hold me back; to have self-confidence nobody can destroy, and to only compete with my ‘yesterday self’.

To put myself first and never to love anyone, including her, more than I love myself.

So, yes, according to all standards and definitions, you might call me a strong girl.

However, my inner strength, power, and bravery didn’t appear out of nowhere.

Instead, always have in mind how much sweat, effort, struggle, time, and energy have been invested in me becoming one.

Have in mind that I wouldn’t be half the person I am if it wasn’t for my mother having my back, catching me when I fall, and most importantly, guiding me.


Open Topic

To My Best Friend.

It’s hard to sit here and be happy for you on your good days. It’s hard to watch you smiling in his presence or laughing like you do when he’s around. Because the honest truth is that isn’t always the case.

The truth is, he wasn’t around those nights he let you down and I had to be the one to pick up the pieces. He wasn’t there for the phone calls as you questioned yourself just because he didn’t have the decency to give you the explanation, time or attention you deserve.

The truth is, it hurts me to see you settle for someone who you’re making a priority while he makes you a choice.

It hurt me that night to stand beside you smiling when I knew your heart was breaking every time you looked at the door and hoped it’d be him walking in.

It hurts me to watch you analyze details and over-think if this means something when the right person wouldn’t even let those thoughts cross your mind. 

It hurts me to watch him play you and you just take the scraps he gives you like bait, only to lure you in just to throw you back out again.

It hurts me to see you confused and questioning yourself, simply because someone doesn’t see your value. It hurts me that you don’t see yourself the way I and many others do all because of one guy. One guy, you put on some pedestal who doesn’t deserve to be there. 

It hurts me that you don’t believe the compliments I give. It hurts me thinking you have to change. But more than that, it kills me when you say you’re the one not good enough for him.

It kills me to watch you invest so much time and energy and devotion to him. It kills to watch you go anywhere and do anything for him when he isn’t meeting you halfway. It kills me that you try so hard for someone who barely says “thank you” half the time.

It breaks my heart that you think this is love. Because real love does not cause pain or doubt or confusion.

It kills me to hear about one good day, that’s immediately followed by a bad one because he chose to ignore you.

It breaks my heart that you forgive him every time just because he’s good at saying sorry. The right guy won’t have to apologize because the right one will realize your value and not make those mistakes.

It hurts me to watch you settle. You settle in love because you think something is there. But you deserve more than some good days. You deserve every day to be a good one.

And I admire your persistence. I admire you for believing in him the way you do. I admire you and your forgiving nature and how you can so easily just forget. But as your best friend, I can’t forget about the night you cried yourself to sleep because he canceled on you then went anyway. I can’t forget about the night where you stood there alone looking more beautiful than ever, sitting next to an empty chair because he said he’d be there. I can’t just forget about the night outside that bar where I was the one chasing after you and he wasn’t.

I know it hurts to be alone, but choosing someone who makes you feel alone is the worst type of loneliness. It hurts me to stand beside you through all this because you deserve so much more and I hate that you can’t see it.

As your best friend, I’ll always support you even in the decisions I don’t agree with. I’ll always stand beside you and be there when you need me. But my heart breaks for you because you deserve so much more than this. 

And I know it hurts to let go of him. I know it might hurt to walk away. But it’s also hurting you to stay here in this limbo. Because this isn’t just some one-time fluke of him disappointing you. It’s time after time after time. And the reason you haven’t broken yet or walked away, is a direct representation of your strength because very few people are this strong. But your greatest strength is also your weakness, your stubbornness, your relentless nature is the reason you haven’t given up on him yet.

And there’s nothing I can say to convince you to walk away. All I can say is I look forward to the day you do. 

I look forward to the day you really do give up on him. I look forward to the day where his texts don’t phase you or his presence doesn’t affect you. I look forward to the day when he realizes what he’s lost and that it was him who didn’t deserve you.

But more than that, I look forward to the day you realize that yourself because when that day comes you’ll see exactly what I see and that isn’t someone who has to change. It’s someone who has been good enough all along, it just took you a while to get you to see it too.



Open Topic

Breaking Point.

I know there are days where you just want to completely breakdown. Days where you wonder where any bit of strength can even come from because you’re exhausted. Days where you want to cry but you know you shouldn’t or you think you don’t even have a reason to.

So you keep it together. You smile and carry on like everything inside you isn’t breaking. You help others without ever even thinking to ask for help yourself. You don’t want to seem weak. You don’t want to seem like a burden or negative. So you keep smiling and taking baby steps forward but all you want to you is fall to your knees and scream. 

It seems like every day is something new or every day is just hard. You wake up and you just want to lay there. There are things you need to do but you just turn over. 

You want to look forward but you’re losing faith in what’s ahead because you are uncertain.

I don’t know what it is you’re going through exactly. Maybe it’s a breakup. Maybe it’s work or school or a million things on your plate you seem to be drowning in. Maybe every time it seems something is about to go your way or you’re going to get a breather, another thing knocks the wind out of you. 

I know you’re tired. And not just physically but emotionally drained because of everything people demand of you. 

People demand a lot of you and you never let anyone down. You never disappoint them. You bust your ass to appease people who don’t even say thank you. That takes strength.

I want to say thank you on behalf of those who don’t. I want to show my appreciation for those who don’t see what you’re going through. You make it look easy and that’s why people don’t realize what you’re going through.

But I see it. Your tired eyes wonder if there’s more than what you’re getting right now.

I’m going to start with I’m proud of you for how strong you are. Strength like yours comes in silent battles, people don’t know you fight. It comes in tears you either repress or no one knows you cry. It’s in nights where you lie awake wondering is there more? 

Curiosity is good. 

That unfulfilling feeling is good. It is there to show you, you aren’t in the right place anymore. Being uncomfortable is good. That means you are growing.

Maybe where you are right now, you’ve excelled as much as you can and there’s no place higher you can go. You should be proud of yourself for that. 

But I need you to keep going. Keep trying. Keep working. Don’t lose faith. Because it’s in those moments where you want to get up, and walk away, and quit, comes something rewarding. There is something on the other side of this confusion and heartbreak and sadness.

You just have to get there first. 

Just know you aren’t alone. I’m with you.

Remember your whole life is going to be okay.

Open Topic

Heal Your Hurt.

I have been asked many times before, how healing my hurt from being raped and sexually, mentally and physically abused has helped me. Well let me begin with this. There was a time that I was a mean, defensive person who believed that because of what I endured, the world owed me something in return. I believed that everyone was out to harm me in some form or fashion. My guard was always up and I had built a very large wall up around my heart and I would not allow anyone to truly penetrate. My trust level was below zero and that was my normal. I had no idea that I was holding on to so much emotional hurt from my past. The horrible acts I endured were not constantly on my mind. I didn’t have reoccurring nightmares at all, but I do have flashbacks. I believed that I was ok.

After I was able to pinpoint where all my anger, hate, hurt, and feelings of being unworthy stemmed from, I’m struggling to release it and finally be free. After months and months of prayer, crying, and reliving the horrible past, I found myself in a place of inner peace. Everyone will have their own way of dealing with their hurt and releasing their pain. My way was to write a release letter to each person who hurt me physically and mentally (the abusers), emotionally (the ones who didn’t protect me), spiritually (God because part of me blamed him). I wrote so many letters to so many people letting them know that I forgive them for what they did to me. After I wrote the letters, I burned them and during the burning of them l vowed to release the hurt forever. I also wrote a letter to myself forgiving myself for hating myself and promising myself to allow my heart, mind, and soul to heal.

Today, I am still healing and allowing myself to love me fully. I’m trying to forgive those who hurt me and I have released some of that hurt to the fire. But I still consumed with hate and anger and trying to live a peaceful and happy life.

The person I was years ago is not the person I am today…thankfully.

If you are always on the defensive, always angry, have low self esteem or feelings of unworthiness and have been raped and or sexually, emotionally, and physically abused, it is imperative to heal. Take the time to look deep within yourself and seek out change. Ask yourself, “What will it take for me to heal and live a happy, healthy life?”

~~Heal Your Hurt

Open Topic

A Letter To Heal Emotional Pain.

After I was able to pinpoint where all my anger, hate, hurt, and feelings of being unworthy stemmed from, I was able to release it and finally be free. After months and months of prayer, crying, and reliving the horrible past, I found myself in a place of inner peace. Everyone will have their own way of dealing with their hurt and releasing their pain. My way was to write a release letter to each person who hurt me physically and mentally (the abusers), emotionally (the ones who didn’t protect me), spiritually (God because part of me blamed him). I wrote so many letters to so many people letting them know that I forgive them for what they did to me. After I wrote the letters, I burned them and during the burning of them l vowed to release the hurt forever (but that was a lie). I also wrote a letter to myself forgiving myself for hating myself and promising myself to allow my heart, mind, and soul to heal.

That was 4 years ago. Today, I am still healing and allowing myself to love me fully. I have a hard time till this day forgiving those who hurt me, but I have released that hurt to the fire (at least I think I have). I am still consumed with hate and anger but now trying to live a peaceful and happy life. Hopefully someday I can find it in me to fully heal, forgive and free myself from all this anger and pain.

The person I was years ago is not the person I am today…thankfully.

Open Topic

Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.

I was in a bad way. Miserable out of my mind. There were days when I’d lie in bed, the drapes closed, day outside sliding into night and back to day, and I just didn’t want to deal. Deal with my thoughts. Deal with being sick. Deal with heartache. Deal with my company tanking. Deal….with….life.

Here is what saved me.

I’d reached my breaking point. I remember it well. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was done. Done with all of this. This misery, this pain, this angst, this being me. I was sick of it, done.

Done. Done. Done.

And in that desperation, I climbed out of bed, staggered over to my desk, opened my notebook, and wrote:

“This day, I vow to myself to love myself, to treat myself as someone I love truly and deeply – in my thoughts, my actions, the choices I make, the experiences I have, each moment I am conscious, I make the decision I LOVE MYSELF.”

There was nothing left to say. How long it took me to write this, less than a minute perhaps. But the intensity, it felt like I was carving words onto paper, through the desk. I’d been disgusted with myself – I could love another and wish them well, but what about me? From now on, I would focus only on this thought. For me.

Open Topic

I Hope You Rot In Hell.

I could’ve never imagined this would’ve happened. I would have never thought that you could possibly do me so wrong that I physically felt too sick to my stomach to even stand up. I should put all the blame on you, meanwhile part of me wants to blame myself. Why did I ever let you in? Why did I ever open up to you? Why did I let you see every part of me that you never even deserved to see? Why did I feel safe trusting you? Why did I let you have so much control over my life and my well-being? I don’t get it. I don’t get you.

I’ve been crying uncontrollably for the past few days, I’m overwhelmed, and I don’t know how I’m going to heel from this. I don’t even know if I’ll fully get over you because you were so kind, sweet, and loving towards me. I should’ve learned my less the first time, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I think overall, I can say I’m furious.

Furious at the fact that you took advantage of all my love and dedication towards you.

Furious at the fact that you thought it was okay to just break my heart with no explanation why.

Furious at the fact that I ever spoke any good words about you and your character.

Furious at the fact that you unfortunately know me. I told you such deep, personal things about me that I could never take back.

Furious that you built me up then tore me down like an old abandoned house.

I preached like a fool that you were nothing but a good man. A dedicated, not like the others, good hearted man. You made me look foolish to everybody. I never knew what true heart break was until you came along and showed me firsthand. I’ve been lied to, taken as a joke, and dropped with no explanation at all and I’m still trying to see the best in you. Still trying to figure out what made you want to tear me apart. Why? I’m still trying to love like I’ve never been hurt. Why? That says a lot about my character and what you put me through says a lot about yours.

I doubt you will ever even read this, but if you somehow manage to come across it, hear this- I don’t think there will ever be a time where I will forgive you and what you have done. All the damage you have done to me mentally. Making me break down my mind, body, and soul. Not giving a fuck about my own well- being. An apology will never do it. You of all people know I’m always the one to give a lot of chances, but no way in hell will I be mistaken for a fool ever in my life because of you, a second time.

I hope hurting me was worth it.

I hope losing me was worth it.

I hope whoever you settle down with will never feel the pain I felt, because of you. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

I hope you don’t choose another victim and play your game like did with me.

I hope my name taste like poison when it comes out of your mouth and your heart stings when you hear it.

I hope you rot in hell.

You will never know me, up close and personal like you wanted. Only from the sidelines, if that, and in the end I hope everything you put me through was well worth it. Because I’ve slipped right through your grip, and you will never get to know the new and improved me. The girl who has nothing but self love and confidence when she wakes up in the morning. That now, even though it took a long time, realizes her worth and will never let anybody take advantage or walk all over her ever again.

I could’ve never pictured any of this ever happening but It’s a shame you didn’t appreciate what you had, until it was gone and doing better.

Open Topic

An Open Letter To Self.

Dear self,

It’s me, you.

I have been writing on my journal and to other people who are significant in my life, but I realised I have never ever written one to myself.

How have you been? You and I have been on quite a journey the past few years. We have hugged our knees, cried for hours till the tears dried, the throat hurt and the nose blocked, yet we continued crying. We have sat there on the shower floor, just in daze at that stormy situation that surrounded us. We have done so much drugs to numb that pain. That heart wrenching pain is real.

You and I, we also pushed ourselves to do different things. Completing going to the gym everyday, getting out of the comfort zone, adapting to being alone.

I have seen you have everything you probably wanted.

I have also seen you losing it all, suddenly and perhaps in a cruel way.

Life is not a straight line, there are ups and downs. It is a series of twists and turns, hills and valleys, with both smooth-sailing and rough seas.

I am sorry for all those times where I wanted to tear you apart. I am sorry for all the times I let you hang your head down low, for all the times I let you win, and beat myself up because of those insecurities. I was not strong enough to encourage, support and appreciate you.

I know life has been tough for you the past few years but you have done quite a good job to stay alive. I have seen you plummet to the state of despair and depress. Thank you for not giving up. You know, I am extremely proud that you managed to survive through.

It is said that trials and calamities/ hardships are the greatest blessings and lessons in disguise. These hardships force us into a new and better versions of us.

For a long time, you were lost. You were broken, having to make multiple decisions which were much against your belief and will. How did forever’s become never’s, you wonder? Hush hush, it is okay now, take some time to forgive yourself.

You are a lot stronger than you realized. I know there were many moments of pain and self-doubt but you got through all of it. Like a phoenix, you have emerged from the ashes to start a new life. You are a survivor. You have overcome those obstacles.

Have you noticed lately how much you have changed? I did. You have improved much more. You are now much confident to speak up on things on your mind and rise up to challenges. You are now able to sleep soundly without crying or drugs, have fun at night without feeling any pain, travel alone by yourself for holidays, and enjoy the time being alone. You selflessly contribute your time, efforts and to help others who are much more in need than you. Even though your wallet feels a lot lighter and poorer, your soul is much more happier and lighter. This change is beautiful. I am glad to see a fresh you. Bring out that confidence and beauty in yourself. Keep it going throughout your life.

As I am writing this letter, you have not fully figured out how your life will be yet. Let’s make a pact. Come back to re-read this letter 3 years later, and update me how you are doing. I truly hope that by that time, you have found your happiness and that you have followed a path that you are proud of.

Remember, behind those dark clouds, the sun is still shining.

You have got through this far. Continue to be strong. Do not stop loving. Do not stop caring.

You are always loved, by me.

Above all else, be true to yourself.

Love you,
Me.

Open Topic

Self-Love Letter To Myself.

To start off with, I am so proud of you. Life hasn’t been too easy on you lately, and I am truly sorry about that. But despite it all, you have managed to keep your head up and continue fighting throughout.

Be proud of everything you have gone through, and mostly, what you’ve become.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Everything will make sense to you one day. All the pain, hurt, and frustration will become worth it. Remember, everything happens for a particular reason. You are in the exact place you are meant to be right now. So breathe, be patient, and trust the course of your life. Let go of all the expectations you have created in your head. Accept reality as it comes. Accept life for what it is.

Don’t take everything so personally and try to not let others get you down. Most of the time, things have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. When people hurt you, try and understand their side of the story. Forgive them. Learn from their wrongdoings, and then let it remain in the past. Not everything is always how it appears.

You are perfect in every way, especially with your flaws. Accept the things that make you different, while embracing everything that makes you unique.

Even though you think you are broken, there is so much beauty in your pain. Also, you’re really not as broken as you think you are. You are stronger than anything that has tried to tear you down. You are a survivor, not a victim. So with that, try not to be so hard on yourself, we both know you’re doing the best you can. 

Create a meaningful life for yourself that you can be proud of. Promise me, you will make the most of it all. Never let anyone get in the way of your goals in life. More importantly, never give up on your passions and your dreams. Do not waste your time on people who do not believe in you. You don’t need anyone like that in your life. Only surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you.

You deserve the world and even a little more. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are everything. You are all. 

Try not to rely too much on others for your happiness.

At the end of the day, all you are guaranteed is yourself, never forget this.

Stop worrying so much about stupid guys. There is so much more to you than being someone else’s girlfriend or wife. Frankly, there is so much more to life than a guy. Be patient, and stay positive, while waiting for love. Just because you have not found it yet, does not mean you don’t deserve to be loved.

You must learn to completely love yourself, before you even try to love another.

Help others. Be a good friend and make sure to be kind of your family. Be selfless, not selfish. Love like you never seen pain before. And if you do not find the strength to do so, just make sure you find enough love for yourself.

You are so strong my dear. You have been through a lot and come out on the winning end. The world has tried to break you, but you never let it. Thank your past, for it has made you into a better person today.

Not everyone you meet is meant to stay around forever. People will leave you. On the contrary, you will also leave others. People will disappoint you, and all you can do is learn to appreciate them for what they have taught you. Thank the people who have stayed. Fill the spaces of the ones who have gone.

More importantly, gracefully let go of the things and people that are not meant for you. Accept things the way they are.

Thank you for never giving up and being so tough. You inspire others and you lift them up. Stay strong. Stand up tall. Be more beautiful than ever. Make them wonder how you do it.

You know you deserve the world, now go get it.


Open Topic

The Power Of “Now.”

In today’s ever-growing and ever-evolving society where high-tech gadgets and super fast delivery systems are enhancing the quality of our life, it is hard to practice patience, because everything is teaching us the exact opposite.

You order clothes from Amazon and you’ll likely receive it in record time.

Food delivery chains are at the top of their game with extremely fast and effective systems in place that, due to their competitive nature, keep upping their game (much to the customers’ delight).

There’s a lot of hard work taking place all over the world’s factories that are aiming to make the difficult situations as stress-free as possible, and their service is constantly improving because nobody can afford to be an impatient person anymore.

Human beings have forgotten that the key to everything is in fact patience and that happy life isn’t achieved by getting everything when they request it.

Why? Because our culture has learned to expect results within minutes of our demands.

Life lessons cannot be learned unless people let go of their lack of patience and slow their roll.

Patience is one of the most important traits a person can possess and I’m going to share with you why I strongly stand by this.

Imagine this scenario. You’re sitting in a traffic jam, with hundreds of cars surrounding you.

Everyone is currently immobile and impatiently bashing their horns in order to get others to move, but it only makes people more frustrated.

So what do you do as you’re impatiently waiting for the traffic to clear out? You take out your little gadget and immediately Google stuff and check your social media accounts to see if perhaps you’ve got some new comments.

You might even tweet something to your co-workers or high school friends as you just can’t bring yourself to sit there with your hands tied for five whole minutes and not do something on your mobile phone.

And if you don’t get an instant reply or a desired “like” on something you tweeted, you get irrationally annoyed and frustrated because how dare they?

You know most of them are online.

So why wouldn’t they react and boost your ego by sharing that funny tweet you so cleverly thought of?

Why wouldn’t that person text you right back and therefore show you how important you are to them?

But think about this. What does that say about you and us as a people?

What kind of message does it send to our children?

Will it ultimately make them better people or set them up for failure?

If you don’t get instant results on something you crave, consider yourself a failure?

Always make sure you’re doing something instead of just enjoying the beautiful moment you’re in?

This is setting a dangerous precedent to your future offspring.

It shows them that the beauty around them is irrelevant and unworthy of appreciation.

It shows them that being in touch with everyone at all times trumps being present in your life and taking care of what’s in front of you.

It teaches them to test the Lord’s patience.

And for what? A short-term gratification because somebody blessed their social media feed with a saucy comment?

A moment of happiness because your order arrived impossibly fast?

That is a lot of evasive, short-term joy that is pulling you away from the right direction.

The one that teaches you to enjoy the little things and stop expecting things to happen at the snap of your finger.

Here’s my two cents.  During my many years on this earth, I’ve been known to have a severe lack of patience for most of my life.

At times, I believe it made me a difficult person to be around (which was never my intention). 

I believed in all those get-rich-quick schemes that clearly didn’t work.

I expected things to just come to me without giving much in return.

I tested my parents’ patience on more than one occasion and if I didn’t get my way, I’d throw a fit.

See, I believed in the power of “now.”

Why would I have to waste my precious time waiting for something if I could get it in a much faster manner?

Why would I believe my parents when they said if I always got what I wanted, I’d never learn the importance of hard work and sacrifice?

But boy were they right. I have learned a thing or two since my early youth.

I have replaced my incessant wants and needs with patience and gratitude.

I no longer go the fast route. I take my time. I enjoy what’s in front of me.

If I get stuck in a traffic jam, instead of looking down on my phone, I observe the nature around me.

I smile at the dog in the back seat of the car next to me.

I put on some music and jam on my own while people around me watch, probably thinking I’ve gone mad.

But you know what? I don’t really care. I don’t need that instant gratification anymore.

I don’t crave everything in the palm of my hand.

Now what I want more than anything is to have children one day who will be brought up appreciative of what they have.

Children who will know the significance of hard work and effort.

I don’t want to live in a world where people are nervous and go crazy at each other for the most insanely ridiculous reasons.

Do you know what I tell myself now, when I’m in a situation that would normally drive me mad?

I repeat to myself: if you’re stuck here waiting for the traffic to clear out in order to get to work, so is everybody else!

If your photo didn’t get a hundred “likes” within an hour, so what?

Do I really care about all these virtual people’s opinions?

No!

If I didn’t have time to make dinner at 7 pm sharp, does it really matter?

It honestly doesn’t. We can eat just as well at 8.

Live in the moment. Observe life around you.

Don’t let good things pass you by while you’re impatiently expecting things to arrive to you.

Once you shift your focus away from your constant wants and needs, you’ll finally realize that the moment you’re in right now is what life is all about!



Open Topic

Emotional Wreck.

A sensitive heart can be a heavy burden. Your heart is so fragile, so gentle, and so delicate that even the smallest things can disrupt its balance. But that’s okay.

You are crying now and you can’t focus your mind, right? I know the feeling.

That feeling where you’re choking on your own fears, emotions, and tears. It’s like your own body can’t handle itself. It’s an emotional state almost impossible to escape.

Sometimes I feel like it’s just anxiety playing with me, or that it’s the people around me who are the only ones to blame for my emotions.

But at the end of the day, does the cause truly matter? Or does the way you react to it matter more?

Can I just tell you: what I’ve learned that helps the most in these moments is accepting that minute of feeling lost and out of your mind.

You are always so busy, you want to achieve something in your life, and you stress out about everything. You make plans, you organize things, and come nighttime, you fall asleep exhausted from all those things you did that day. At the end of the day, you completely ignore your mental health and can’t understand that you’re under a lot of unnecessary stress.

But let me just tell you that being productive and following your dreams doesn’t always mean that your heart is protected.

It takes just one person in your life to say something before thinking or do something that makes you wonder if they ever loved you, for you to fall onto your knees and feel your heart sharply breaking inside your chest.

He hurt you. He did this to you. When you look back at it, you remember that time you were there for him when he was so lost. You wish for him to be right next to you and help you get through this. But he is not.

He’s not there with you and you know that he won’t even come.

You’ll be crying your eyes out for a while, but that is fine. You’ll feel that churning sensationlike you’re about to throw up. But it’s all normal. You shouldn’t be blaming yourself for this emotional moment.

Your mind is blank, isn’t it? You feel everything so deeply that your mind has shut itself down, because there’s nothing it can think at this moment to make you feel better.

So let me be the one to tell you: Accept yourself for what you are right at this moment!

You are an emotional wreck, so embrace it!

The more you try to silence your emotions, the more you try to hide them away from the world, the more damage they will cause on your body, mind, and soul. The destruction is not a matter of seconds. It’s a matter of months, or even worse – years. It’s so slow that you don’t notice it coming!

The damage will go beyond tears because you will continue carrying those emotions with you wherever you go!

Isn’t it better to just let it all go? It feels awful right now, but in the morning you will feel relieved! You’ll feel lighter, like you have let go of a huge burden.

You shouldn’t be angry at yourself for feeling all of these things! You’ll only be adding another emotion, and anger aimed at yourself isn’t going to do you any good right now.

What you need now is unconditional, lasting love for yourself! You need it now more than ever before.

You need to realize that even though it’s harder to breathe through all these tears, even though your face is swollen and blotchy, there’s still no reason for you to not love yourself.

When you wake up in the morning, with those bags under your eyes, you will remember how you felt and respect yourself enough to not let that happen to you again.

You won’t let anyone treat you that way again, because it hurts too much to be let down by someone you loved with your entirety.

But at this moment, it’s better to let it all out than to drag it along with you, because you’ll meet someone and want to give them everything, but you won’t be able to due to your emotions being held inside for so long.

That’s why you have to let go of all of it. And this is how you’re going to achieve that natural state of ease.

You’ve gone through something extremely painful. Now, you’re dealing with it, but instead of lying back and letting what happened to you disappear, you’re obsessing with it.

You put so much pressure on yourself that at some point you become a loner. You refuse to hang out with anyone because you’re only stuck in your head. 

You’re only thinking about what happened to you over and over again. Do you really think that things would be different if you knew about the betrayal or that person’s intentions towards you?

You have to decide to get better. You have to get out of the black hole that hideous emotional state is pulling you to. Because one day when you meet someone who is completely worthy of every little piece of you, you will regret not being able to give them everything you are.

Open Topic

Been There, Done That.

I’ve become reflective as I approach middled age. It’s been a hell of a decade, and I’ve still got a years to go. Maybe it’s just life in general; clarity finally settling in since I’ve let myself heal from a terrible experience. Either way, let me share my top seven lessons I’ve learned in my almost forty years. I’ve been there, done that, and this is what I’ve learned…

1. No one, except you, has a responsibility to love you. No one will love, care or feel exactly like you do, AND that’s okay.

I used to get so upset when someone didn’t do for me what I’d do for them. I thought they were a bad friend. Maybe they are doing what they think is right, or they just don’t care like I do. Either way, I don’t have any control over it. It’s a waste of time and energy to think you can change it. You are responsible for loving yourself. You must love yourself enough so much that when others don’t see your awesomeness, it doesn’t matter. Just keep being awesome.

2. You are responsible for who you become. You may not blame your past for your future.

I’m sure each of us has our own Hell we’ve lived through and survived. What is important is that it doesn’t define what your future holds. I once had a boss tell me, “Once you make a decision, you can’t go back; that’s not where you are or where you’re going anymore.” He was/is right. Your past is behind you. You can’t change it. You must move forward.

3. If it sounds like a lie and feels like a lie, it’s a lie. Walk away.


Trust your gut. First impressions can say so much. Don’t short a person a second impression, but if it’s the same as the first, don’t hesitate to remember that. Don’t fall victim to a liar. Liars are out there. They will use you and twist the story to their advantage. Why? Because they are liars. Keep up. Also, be prepared to lose some “friends” along the way. They will believe the liars. It’s okay, you’re bigger than them and will still succeed. It’s a blip on the radar. It sounds insensitive, but so are they.

4. DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT let your pride keep you in a situation that is wrong. Admit you messed up, and move on.

I’m a pretty prideful person, and I HATE losing. With that said, I’m also pretty quick to admit I’m wrong. Learn your lesson, and move on. I’ve stayed in a bad situation far too long because my pride was hurt. You won’t win. You’ll stay too long in a toxic situation and lose yourself. I’ve been there. I compromised a huge belief of mine and paid the ultimate price, and I’m still healing. I may never be 100%, but that’s on me. But, I also finally walked away. It still hurts, but my perspective on the entire situation has now changed. Refer back to 1-3 here. But DON’T stay. Get out and get perspective.

5. Life is beautiful. Look around. Focus on the good. The bad/negative will always be there; but, oh, the good prevails. Make sure you see it.

ImI have a loving, devoted, honest boyfriend (who also happens to be my best friend). He’s seen me at my worst (and my worstest {without even knowing why}) and has stood by my side; his love never wavering. I choose to focus on the good I have surrounding me. I’ve got some great friends. I keep in touch. I’m a good person with some MAJOR mistakes under my belt. But I choose to focus on the good…my circle, my people. And I’m SO MUCH MORE SELECTIVE of who fits in that group now. Focus on the good. Refer back to 1-4, we’re building as you go if you haven’t caught on.

6. If someone says you can’t; prove that you can. Never let someone influence your dreams.

Be YOU and be AWESOME. My Mom is an amazing person. We had a complicated relationship, but my final opinion is that she fought her entire life to be independent, self sufficient, and STRONG. I’ve worked hard. I’ve been told ‘no’ during my career. It’s pissed me off, BUT, it’s also pushed me to work harder and achieve the goals I knew I deserved to accomplish. Don’t let them tell you ‘no’. Pass them, and don’t look back. I’m not done. Show others (but mainly yourself) what you are capable of. Don’t stop until you want to.

7. Be. Sometimes it is important to just be. Be. It seems so simple, yet we all struggle with it.

This last year I’ve reflected a lot. I’ve re-lived some bad shit in my head several times over and over. I can’t hate the person involved as much as I’ve tried. I can only assume they hate me. We don’t talk anymore. This makes me unbelievably sad, but I also have to remind myself that sometimes you don’t get closure. I’ve spent time being. I’ve spent time reflecting. I wish my mother and I had a good relationship so I could talk to her about all of the shit I’m going thru. If anyone would understand, she would. I used to get so FRUSTRATED with her when she thought of my past, but I’ve come to realize that sometimes BAD SHIT happens, and you’ve got to deal…and live on. Mom’s message to me “Be” makes me focus on today. I can’t go back and make changes. I’ve got to move forward. I’ve got to be awesome. Because she is. I had someone tell me how much like her I was not too long ago. When I was younger, that would have been an insult. Today, let me tell you, I’d fucking walk thru hot coals because I’m badass, just like she is.

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2020 Will Be My Year.

There are too many things in life that don’t last and love shouldn’t be one of them. 

I’ve already had people coming in and out of my life who were supposed to be my friends, I’ve had men telling me that they loved me in one moment and then turning their backs to me the next, and I had people who promised to be there just to go and disappear when I needed them the most. 

This year was full of things that didn’t last. I’ve been put through hell by the people who should’ve cared for me the most. My heart has been broken, my back is full of knives and my eyes have no more tears to cry despite the pain I’m feeling.

But, I’m not giving up. No, not me. 

I choose to stay optimistic. I choose to be positive. I choose to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m putting all my hopes in the year that is yet to come. I’ve had my fair share of hell and now it’s time to finally experience the happiness that stays and a love that doesn’t leave me. That’s me, an eternal optimist. 

Out of all the wishes someone could have for the year to come, I only have one—all I want is a love that stays.

I don’t want anything temporary anymore. I want a love that doesn’t leave. I want that forever story.

I want a love that makes me feel like I’m good enough. Like I’m more than my mistakes and like my imperfections are not ever allowed to shadow my good side. I want a love in which I won’t be mistreated for making a mistake, where my efforts will be appreciated and where I’ll feel like I am just fine in my own skin.

I want a love that feels like home, a love that makes me feel safe. I want a love that will be my safe haven, a love for which I’ll thank God each day and night, a love that will make me feel comfortable enough to be who I am, where I won’t need to put on any masks, where I won’t need to pretend to be something I’m not.

I want a love in which I feel like I matter. I just need love in which I’ll feel like my feelings matter, like what I have to say is important, like something would change if I disappeared all of a sudden. I want a love in which I know I’ll be missed if I’m gone.  

I want a love that stays, the love I can count on. I want a love that will make me feel high, a love that will take me to the stars and a love that I’ll be selfish about and that will make me not want to share with anyone.

I want a love that cares, a love that’s honest, a love that’s there just because of me, a love that doesn’t treat me like a backup plan. 

I want a love that stays forever and not until it finds someone else, someone better. 

I want a love that promises to stay. A love that keeps its promises, a love that stays even when times get rough, that holds my hand through all the storms and a love that is my light at the end of the tunnel. A love that helps me when I lose my faith, a love that doesn’t allow me to get tired, a love that makes sense out of everything bad. That’s what kind of love I want in 2020.

I promise to leave all my heartbreaks in 2019. I promise to forget all those who broke me, betrayed me or lied to me and I promise to start from scratch when this new love walks into my life. With this new year, I’m ready for a new beginning, a better beginning.

The year to come is about hope. And even though this year has left me bruised, even though I’ve fallen a hundred times, I managed to stand up and I’m still standing, ready to start from scratch.

I’m full of hope when it comes to 2020 because I know what I’ve been through and I know I get to be rewarded for the hell 2019 has put me through. 

I feel like this year will be the year in which things will change for the better. 

So, dear 2020, please be good to me.

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How Much You Hurt Me.

You need to know how much you hurt me. I loved you with everything I have and in every way I know how, and I’m sorry that wasn’t good enough for you. I tried to be everything you wanted and needed but I just can’t anymore. I have put my own happiness on the back burner for too long and lost myself trying to be what you wanted. You were right – I did need you. You were a beacon of light in my messed up life; you brought me a lot of happiness. But then everything changed.

For years now we have gone in this circle. We try to fix things and then things go back to how they were, we stop communicating about it, things fall apart and we end up here.

Neither of us is happy and we are making each other miserable.

When you chose not to be there, I had to start to become my own person again. I couldn’t keep waiting for you to maybe show up; it was hurting me too much. So I found a support system and group that cared about me and enjoyed spending time with me. You’d say you were going to do things, but then you didn’t follow through. And I realize that sometimes they were inconvenient and maybe you didn’t actually want to do them, but those are the kinds of compromises you make for someone you love. I can’t even begin to count all of the times I did things with you/for you because I knew it would make you happy to have me there.

You say some of those things are expected when dating, but I don’t really believe in doing things out of obligation; you shouldn’t feel obligated to support the person you love, you should want to.

I was so excited for our first trip together, just the two of us, but I ended up feeling like crap while we were there because I honestly felt like you wished you were there with someone else. And I was soooo excited that you were going to move in with me, but the fact that you even had a little hesitancy towards moving in together after 7 years speaks volumes to where we are at in this relationship. Indecision is a decision. Your words and your actions aren’t matching up anymore and I’m tired of making excuses for you. I shouldn’t have ever had to question where I stand in your life, but that’s what has been happening.

You’ve shaped me into the person I am today. You taught me how to be goofy and how to believe in myself and push myself. You taught me patience and a lot about self-respect and self-worth. And you helped me learn that my happiness is important.

I know I’m hard to love.

I’ve got walls and I’m stubborn and I don’t like to feel weak or vulnerable. At one point, you pushed through those walls, but something must have changed because you stopped and then I didn’t want to feel like a burden.

Right now, I can’t trust you with my heart. 

It’s too little too late. You should have fought for me. You should have communicated with me when you realized your feelings were changing. I deserve to be loved, to feel loved, and to be happy. We both do. We both deserve to feel special and neither of us feels that right now. I never thought we would get to this point and I have no idea how it happened, but we are here. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry I can’t love you in the way that you want and that I am not the person you want or need me to be.

I don’t know what our future looks like right now. But I know that I’m basically numb at this point. I feel angry and hurt and disappointed and betrayed. I know you tried to take it back, but your message was loud and clear that night. I’m not sure if you’re scared of losing me or losing the idea of me/what I represent/who you wanted me to be. But I just need time to figure this all out and deal with it. I can’t force you to love me, but maybe time will change things. And I need to learn how to love myself if anyone else is going to; it’s not fair for me to rely on you for all of my happiness and love.

I hope someday you realize I loved you more than anything in the entire world and I’m sorry my love wasn’t good enough for you. You broke my heart, but I still love you with all the pieces.

Open Topic

The Purpose Of Life.

Life can be so challenging sometimes, something which I think isn’t acknowledged enough. We want to get it right, but knowing how we should spend our time, what we should focus on, and how much we should invest in certain relationships is hard.

That’s why we often turn to websites and blogs—because we’re seeking a little guidance in how we should interpret a situation.

I’ve often found myself thinking about our purpose and what we’re supposed to do with our lives while we’re here. And I’ve reached two conclusions:

1. The purpose of life is to live as the fullest expression of yourself 

2. The purpose of life comes in the pursuit of something

We are born into an environment that will have an opinion on the person we should be.

Some of us are lucky enough to be born into an environment that feels like it fits. You may have two parents who are doctors, went to school, and love biology. You also are prepared to work at the level of a doctor and have the emotional capacity for that role. It all fits.

Most of the time though, we feel a little different from the people around us. We want different things for our lives. That can mean professionally, it can mean in the types of relationship or family structure we want, or it can mean the country we want to live in.

It may be a more extreme feeling that you just don’t fit in somewhere. That can be unnerving and uncomfortable.

I believe that we have a duty in this world to be true to ourselves. To explore the things that interest us in order to get to know ourselves more intimately. That might mean taking a course in something which appeals to us without necessarily knowing exactly what we’ll do with it after. To me, it meant starting to write before I knew where I was going to put my writing. It’s just about allowing yourself the freedom to follow your curiosity.

In relationships, if you don’t know yourself and aren’t prepared to stand by who you are, then how can you ever be really intimately connected to someone? For both men and women it’s critical we learn to really know and respect what sits at our core.

The women I know tend to ask, “Am I too much?” And the men tend to ask, “Am I enough?”

If you are exploring yourself, you’re making space to be the fullest expression of yourself. If you’re trying, then you are absolutely enough and never too much.

Then there’s my personal purpose, which may mean something to you too: The pursuit of something.

So I’ve come to realize that the purpose of my life exists in the pursuit of things that matter to me. With work, that means looking forwards, being proactive and being excited at the opportunities that come. It means applying myself and focusing on how I might be able to make impossible dreams a reality.

When it comes to relationships, that means trusting my heart and following it to where it wants to go. Trying to handle all situations with love and care, knowing that love is kinda like a boomerang sometimes and what you send out comes back to you.

That’s where I’ve found my purpose

Life is not about a destination, it is in constant change. Any goal you have will, and should, grow once you reach it. I like the idea of being really old and still setting new goals and making plans for myself.

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Romantic vs. Attachment Love.

There are many different types of love we experience in a lifetime. You know that the type of love you have for your parent isn’t the same you have for your partner. But what you might not realize is that you can also experience different types of love within the course of a single relationship, and in fact, as a relationship progresses, that’s exactly what should happen.

When people talk about “falling in love,” they talk about romantic love. They talk about the newness, the nerves, the luster of a new person who is also, maybe, possibly not going to commit to you. That is one of the core tenets of romantic love: it is based on longing, not having. What makes the object of your desire so appealing is that they are not yet completely yours, and so you go into overdrive trying to “win” them. They are still mysterious, their affection comes in waves or hints, and so you get a sort of tunnel vision in which everything else is eclipsed.

In romantic love, your relationship is built a lot on chemical reactions and surface-level compatibility. Your first assessment of a romantic partner is going to be brief: are you attracted to them, and do you have enough in common that you could spend some period of time together? Beyond that, you’ll also likely become interested in one valuable part of them: maybe it’s their good looks, maybe it’s the music they play, maybe it’s how they socialize with others. Whatever it is, there will be something they have that you see as “high stock,” something you want to have as part of your life.

The other trick of romantic love is that it often fills a void. There’s a reason that some people become addicted to certain types of relationships: the chemical reaction that happens in their head is similar to that of taking drugs or other stimulants. On top of this, there are the expectations. We expect our romantic partners to give us purpose, security and meaning in life.

However, romantic love is not the kind of love on which you build a lifelong partnership.

After about one year together —though it can vary — romantic love should start to settle into attachment love. That word, “attachment,” tends to have a negative connotation, but that is not what this is. Attachment love is the love you’re actually looking for. It is the love you experience when your partner is your best friend, confidante, and friend. It is the love that you experience when you feel completely comfortable and at ease in your partner’s presence.

Romantic love is common, attachment love is rare.

Romantic love is temporary, attachment love is long-term.

Many people make lifelong commitments based on romantic love, and have a hard time when it settles and they discover that attachment love is not as strong as they’d hoped.

Romantic love is based on what you don’t have, attachment love is based on what you do.

While both types of love are important, and each serve their own purpose, it is important that you wait to see that you and your partner have each.

Your partner should be your best friend and your lover. The person who you “love” but who won’t commit to you is your romantic love, but not your attachment love. The person you’re in a comfortable relationship with but never feel any sparks or chemistry is an attachment love, but not a romantic love. You will find one of each in many people throughout your life, but when you find someone with whom you experience both, you’ll know you’ve found the right one for you.

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Recovery.

I know that a relapse is hard, no matter the circumstances. I know that no one wants to take steps backward or feel the way they felt in their darkest times. But when you add the stress of relapse onto being a mental health person and drug addict who constantly talks about how great recovery is, it becomes really, really hard.

It’s no secret that I like to share how far I’ve come in my battle with mental health and addiction, I am probably a little too open about it. But I still have bipolar disorder and I’m still labeled as an addict. I still have a significant mental illness that will always have recurrent episodes. And sometimes being such an ambivert makes that extremely hard to admit.

This means that when I struggle, my go-to coping skill is pretending I’m not. For those familiar with DBT practices, I’m well-known for abusing “opposite to emotion” by not validating, or even acknowledging, when I’m symptomatic. Because it’s hard. I know I’m a light to those around me who also struggle. I give lectures every day about how I’ve overcome the darkest parts of myself and found brightness in the world – and I mean what I say.

And I’m like that even in psych wards. In my near-yearly tune ups, I find myself going in, preaching about my insight and recovery tips with other people, while knowing I don’t want to be alive. Even so, I can’t stop myself from wanting to spread the word about how mental illnesses and addiction recovery can get better – people can be functional after a psych ward. Life will not always be dreary.

Except, since I’m bipolar, some days will be dreary. Some days will always, always be dreary – it simply comes with the territory of having a severe mental illness. But it’s still really hard to admit that without feeling like I’m losing my identity as a mental health and recovered addict. Rationally, I know my diagnosis will always be symptomatic at one point or another, but socially, I can’t bring myself to speak up about that

But some days, it’s hard. Because I still see the world as a beautiful place, but it’s also a place I don’t want to live in anymore. Except, when that happens, due to being this beacon of light, I don’t know how to communicate that with those around me. I struggle with reaching out to my support system, because I’m supposed to be the happy one now. I’m supposed to be the recovered one.

In my mind, it feels like if I admit I’m struggling, I’m invalidating every sunny text I send out about how mental health and being sober/clean can improve when someone puts in the self-work. It feels like I’m suddenly a fraud. And in those times, I really worry other people will see me as less credible when I speak out about recovery again. So, because of all that, when I do struggle, it feels like I lose my whole identity in the process.

Because nowadays, I don’t post about how depressing life is. I post about how far I’ve come. I don’t dwell on hard times with friends. I talk about how those hard times will soon be replaced with better days. I don’t focus on negativity, because my brain is no longer wired to be negative all the time.

But what about when life is depressing? What about when I don’t know if I can wait to see better days? What about when I’m lying on my bedroom floor in the middle of a panic attack, because I feel physically unable to do anything but sob? How do I admit I have times like that when I view myself as this guiding hope and inspiration to those around me?

I don’t. I don’t know how to admit it, so I don’t. It’s something I struggle with every time I hit a low point. Because I’m not the sick girl anymore… but then again, I’ll never be the fully recovered girl either. So, what do I do with that?

Honestly, I’m still not really sure. Maybe I’ll figure out a good balance one day, but for now, I’m simply unsure. I just know it’s something I need to work on, and that’s all I can do.

So, if you know the secret – if you know how to be able to admit that you’re having a hard time – please, let me know. That’s a lesson I haven’t quite grasped yet, but I really do want to learn. I just don’t know how.

Open Topic

A Girl And Her Insecurities.

Every morning, you probably stare in the mirror longer than you should, worried something about your makeup isn’t right, worried a hair is out of place, worried you’re going to make a fool of yourself if you step out of the house looking like you do.

You probably do the same thing with social media. Before you post a picture, you probably examine every inch of your body, on the search for flaws. But no one else is going to sit there and stare at your photo for as long as you have (unless they like you and are thinking about how adorable you look).

Either way, no one else is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself. No one is thinking the same harsh things you think about yourself. The rest of the world sees you differently than you see yourself. You’re not wearing the same set of lenses.

Even though you might feel like the rest of the world is looking down on you, your insecurities are the loudest in your own mind. The worst possible thing anyone could say about you has already been said by the voice in the back of your head. In a way, that’s a good thing, because it means no one else is judging you as harshly as you think they are.

Even though it’s much harder to be kind to the person in the mirror than it is to be kind to others, you want to start learning how to treat yourself with love and compassion, with admiration and respect. You want to start treating yourself the way you treat your loved ones.

No, you’re not perfect — but no one is perfect. Everyone, even the person you consider the most beautiful woman in the world, has things they’re insecure about. You’re perfectly normal for feeling self-conscious. You’re allowed to be uncomfortable with certain aspects of yourself. But you shouldn’t let that discomfort turn into self-hatred. You shouldn’t punish yourself for being yourself.

You’re more beautiful than you believe, on the inside and the outside. It might take you a while to see that, but you’re going to get there as long as you put in the effort.

Stop assuming everyone is judging you. Stop assuming everyone is thinking the absolute worst about you. Even more importantly, stop thinking the worst about yourself. Stop treating yourself like a punching bag. Stop acting like you have nothing to offer this world. Stop doubting yourself. Stop selling yourself short. Stop practicing self-hatred when you should be practicing self-love.

Your insecurities aren’t as noticeable as you think. Even if someone else sees the same ‘flaw’ you see, they aren’t going to dwell on it. It’s not going to make a difference in their life. They aren’t going to give a shit.

However, in some ways, it’s also a horrible thing. You don’t want to play the role of your own worst enemy. You don’t want to hate yourself over a few tiny flaws when there are a million different things to love about yourself.

Open Topic

Unloveable.

It’s amazing how small someone else can make you feel. One day, you’re on top of the world, and the next, you are lower than rock bottom. There are some days when you can’t even tell yourself apart from the rock, and you wonder how it ever could have gotten so bad. You wonder what you have been doing wrong to constantly be pushed away by everyone you think you might actually have a chance with. You wonder when exactly you became so unlovable.

You are not unlovable. But you are not invincible either. You are human. And the beautiful part about being human is our ability to make so many mistakes and then learn how to grow from them.

So maybe you took a chance on them, and ultimately, it didn’t work out. Maybe it not only didn’t work out, it crashed and burned and turned your entire world upside down. No matter how deep the hurt or intense the wound, you can always come back from it. You still are not unlovable. You could crash and burn and be wrong one million times and then one million more and that still wouldn’t make you unlovable. You just haven’t met your person yet.

Maybe your path has a few more twists than your best friend’s, and that is okay. Maybe you have taken a little longer to find your soulmate, but that does not mean they aren’t out there. Because if they are truly your soulmate, then they are also out there feeling this way too. Your life is not a checklist waiting for you to complete it before you can find true happiness. All you ever needed to be happy was you. Maybe you are your missing piece. Maybe right now you are the only love you need in your life.

I know it hurts to spend another Friday night alone. I know you are sitting there, waiting for a call or a text that might never come through. I know you’re just wishing that life would get better. And I know that you think it would be if only you weren’t so alone. But let me tell you something.

We live in a world where we are constantly barraged with imagery of how perfectly everyone else’s lives are going. It can become so easy to become lost in a world that isn’t even real. Life isn’t a competition, and finding love isn’t either. Some people meet their soulmates early on in their lives because that is what the universe has deemed necessary for them in that exact moment. Others may take years or decades or however long it takes to find this love, but this doesn’t make them any less than their peers. We are all on our own path in this life, and we each reach our major milestones differently. Just because you didn’t fall in love at 15 or get married by the time you’re 30 or have kids before you’re 40 doesn’t mean you are failing. You just haven’t gotten to that milestone in your life yet.

You can be madly in love and still feel alone on a Friday night. You can be in a committed relationship and still anxiously wait by your phone for words you may never actually get to hear. Being in love won’t flip a switch in your life and make everything better. You won’t wake up to all of your problems solved, and you won’t be the person you always wanted to be just because you have someone beside you in your bed at night. Someone else’s love is not the cure to a life you aren’t happy with. Your own love is.

Next time you are feeling unlovable, remember this. Within you, you have always had all of the love you ever needed, you just have to convince yourself that you deserve it. If someone else is so deserving of your love, aren’t you?

Take the time to love yourself, and trust that the love you have been after will find you when it is meant to.

Please don’t give up on love.


Open Topic

To My Best Friend In The Sky.

To my best friend in the sky, I’ve been meaning to write this for such a long time. You see, writing this would have meant coming to terms with a lot, including the fact that you’re no longer here. Accepting that these words are the closest I’ll ever get to communicate with you for now. And that is hard because your presence greatly impacted the lives of those you touched, and I know you were too selfless to even realize.

I often wish I could have you back for one day. Just one day. To thank you. To share my appreciation and gratitude for all that you did and taught me. For the ideas and ways of being you instilled in me. To relive every single moment I took for granted, assuming you’d always be around. To tell you of all that has happened since you passed. My heart aches for just one more day.

I know that all you’d want for me and everybody else is to rejoice in the good times and remember you for the unique character you were. But you see, sometimes it’s just too heart-wrenching. I feel sad that you aren’t here for me to seek advice from or laugh heartily at my humor that isn’t all that funny. I feel sad that you aren’t here to relay stories from your past or converse effortlessly with me. Sometimes, I feel a little lost without you around, for the gaping hole that’s left can never be filled.

Other times, I just long for a great big hug. After a long day or simply because. Sometimes I feel happy. I feel happy that you were a part of my life. That I shared such fond memories with you that I’ll forever cherish. I cry from laughing so hard as I relay all the incredible times shared with you. Because although you were taken way too soon, I was the luckiest person to have had you alongside me for a period of my life.

It seems that in any given conversation, I can subconsciously make you a part of it, whether I speak like you’re still around and tell those who will listen of the times you can no longer tell or inform those listening of the random information you’re no longer able to pass on.

Although you may be gone, it seems you’ll never leave my side. As the years go by and I grow older, I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I find comfort in knowing that somewhere, you are still with me. I think of you each day. Whether it’s the way somebody’s haircut mimics yours or an interesting fact I long to share with you, you are always in the back of my mind.

I’m almost certain that you’re somewhere above watching me down here. Watching me live my life, make mistakes, and learn from them. I live each day trying my hardest to make you proud because I know you can see me. And I know that whatever I do, you will always be there watching me with such pride. If not, you’re probably puttering about and chatting away to somebody easily attracted to your pleasant and warm demeanor.

You may be physically gone, but in our hearts, you’ll forever stay. To my best friend in the sky, not a day goes by without a thought of you.


For my Nanny!
Open Topic

To The People Who Love The Real Me.

To the outside world, I look like I have my shit together. However, I really come with a clouded history filled with entirely too much pain. After countless rejections and abandonments, I learned to put on a mask and build strong, defensive walls. Although many people prefer the phony, happy facade, there are a few amazing souls who know and love me just the way I am.

So to the people who see the real me, thank you for accepting the entire package. Thank you for embracing the hot mess that I am without ever shutting me out. It doesn’t matter that I come with lots of bruises, scrapes, and scars; you embrace them all. You take me entirely as I am without question or hesitation, both on the good days and the bad.

Sometimes I feel like a walking diagnosis, or a version of the plague. I do some pretty outrageous things in the moments when I’m feeling dark and twisty. I often feel less than lovable, and my behaviors frequently become too much to bear. Yet those who truly love me find ways to help me walk the middle path without making me feel like a total ass.

So to the people who love the real me, thank you for holding on despite my many flaws. Thank you for reminding me of my better qualities instead of harping on every single imperfection. It doesn’t matter what ridiculous stuff I do; you willingly grant those second chances I truly don’t deserve. You love me unconditionally without even a moment’s hesitation because you see the brightness when all I see is black.

I know I make daily errors in nearly every part of life. I frequently need subtle reminders to keep myself in line, and it’s embarrassing to say the least. And although admitting my mistakes feels vulnerable and downright scary, I know that the people who truly love me will forgive my transgressions in the end.

So the people who admire the real me, thank you for calling me out on my shit. Thank you for being brutally honest even when it hurts. It doesn’t matter how long it takes; I know you’re in this for the long haul. You remind me what I’m working towards, and you challenge me to be my best. Even when I stumble or make a terrible mistake, you’ll catch me and provide a much-needed swift kick in the pants.

So to the people who love the real me: thank you. I will forever shower you with gratitude and love you with every beat of my heart. As long as we have each other, we’re never really apart. I’ll never take you for granted and I’ll never let you go. Because for you to not only see the real me, but embrace her too? That’s something worth cherishing for the rest of my days for sure.

I never thought I’d find a place where I could freely show my true self. Yet somehow along my journey, I’ve found all of that and more. For the first time in forever, I feel like I’m part of a tribe who not only sees me for who I really am, but embraces it in every way. I don’t know how I made it all these years without each of you, but now that I have you, I never want to walk alone again.

Open Topic

Happiness.

I used to keep a journal and I was going thru my filing cabinet and found it. I’m glad I did bc I wrote something about happiness…something I been struggling with for quite some time. I give great advice but I never take my own. And I like to write my feelings since I have a hard time expressing them. And here’s what I wrote:

Happiness…we are so worried about finding it, that we often miss out on our own happiness altogether. Maybe happiness isn’t this esoteric, mysterious, rarity. Maybe it is more common than we think. Maybe happiness isn’t about pure bliss, but more about magical moments all lined up in a row. It’s the smell before rain. It’s your favorite sweater. It’s laughing so hard your stomach hurts. It’s reconnecting with an old friend. It’s starry nights, clear skies, and your favorite food. It’s good books and good company. It’s living with no regrets and enjoying happiness as you are in it. The reality is, happiness will never be something you find…it will be something you create, something that you become, something that you are. Happiness isn’t something that you chase…it is a state of being. You hold the key to your own happiness…all you have to do is unlock it.

Carla Williams 03/15/2008

Rainbow and happiness. Happy woman jumping at sunset near the rainbow

Open Topic

Dear You.

Dear You,

Perhaps you don’t have a name in this text, but if you find yourself to be one of those girl who just can’t stop blaming herself for all the wrongs she went through in her life, then this letter is for you. And you need to read it. You need to read it because there are some things I need to tell you since you obviously aren’t willing to accept them on your own.

So, you still lay awake at night and wonder what is it that you do wrong? What is it that you do that makes other people hurt you or walk away from, as if you mean nothing to them? Why can’t you make them stay? You still wonder how come out of all people in your life, you’re the only one that is never good enough?

I need you to stop doing this to yourself. I need you to stop being so mean to yourself and I need you to stop blaming yourself for everything you’ve been through. Life is full of ups and downs and shit happens to everyone, but what determines you is how you deal with it. And frankly speaking, you should stop beating yourself up for the things you couldn’t and can’t change.

It’s not true that you could’ve done things differently. It’s not true that you could’ve been a better person or that you should’ve sacrificed yourself more. You already gave your best to others and they took it for granted. They used your kindness when they needed it and once they healed, they left you. But leaving is something that runs through their veins and nothing you did was going to make them stay. They didn’t enter your life to stay forever; they came because God sent them to teach you a lesson. It’s time for you to understand what that lesson was.

Okay, friends that should’ve stuck around left. The guy who should’ve seen you and should’ve stayed, didn’t. Someone told you how you’re not good enough. You can’t reach the expectations others have for you. So what? None of this means that something is wrong with you. It’s just that you had that bad luck to meet too many toxic people in your life. But there isn’t anything wrong with you. And you need to stick this in your head once and forever.

I pray you quit overthinking, replaying failed scenarios, feeding self-doubt and seeing the good in everyone, but yourself. You deserve more.

Stop blaming yourself and stop recalling old memories that are painful. Stop beating yourself up because of the things that happened in the past. Stop blaming yourself for the things you’re not guilty of.  And most importantly, stop tearing your self-esteem down.

You are worth much more than you think. And you’re better than you allow yourself to believe. And there is much more to life than you can wrap your mind around.

I’m sorry that you’re hurt. I’m sorry that they broke you. But they didn’t get the best of you. Keep that in mind. Nobody stole your sparkle. Nobody took your future from you. And nobody swiped off the kindness of your personality. You’re still able to do bright things in the future. You still have the time in this world to be the person you always wanted to be, but it’s time to start building yourself up now. It’s time to stop beating yourself up, too.

Forgive people who hurt you for doing so. And then put them out of your life forever. Thank them for the lessons they  taught you and remember them forever. But don’t let them haunt you forever. May that be something that builds you up and makes you stronger—not something that destroys you. Don’t allow it all to become something that keeps you awake at night or something that tears your good mood down each time you remember it.

Now is the time to become the owner of your life. Now is the time to stop giving so much power over yourself to the wrong people. Now it’s time to show them, the world and yourself, what you’re made of.

Be strong and forgive yourself. Be strong and move on. It’s time for you to be happy again. Thank your heart for enduring so much pain and still continuing to beat. And promise your heart to never put it through the same hell again.

Accept that you can’t control what happens in your life, but you can control how it affects you. Accept that you can’t control how people treat you, but you can determine their places in your life based on the way they treat you. And always remember that you will never be good enough for wrong people, but you’ll be more than enough for the right ones.

I also learned it the hard way,

The girl who has already been there.

Open Topic

Fighting A Battle I Will Never Win.

I’m feeling anxious again, Father. I know I shouldn’t be. I know there’s no need. I know you want me to have faith in you and I do, but if I’m being honest, I’m not okay. I don’t know. I guess just the feeling of being stuck here in my current position is getting a bit weary and frustrating.

However, I thank you God. Thank you for the position that I’m in right now. Thank you for making me sit and wait. I know that these hard times are producing perseverance, building my character, strengthening my faith in you, and equipping me with what I need for my future.

Even though it feels as if I’ve been waiting for a long time, I know that what you have for me is worth waiting for. I just need to have patience and know that everything will work out in the end.

I’m not who or where I want to be at the moment and that’s okay. I know I’m exactly where I need to be. It’s a process. I know you’re working on me, and I know I still have a lot of growing to do and more lessons to learn.

But Jesus, I must admit, this ongoing mental battle that I’m facing, these emotions that are getting the best of me is a daily struggle. I know you’ve given me all the weapons I need to fight, but still, I need your help.

I tend to isolate myself from people. I have some days when I just want to sleep, so I won’t have to get up and face the day. When I’m awake, the thoughts in my mind never stop going, and I allow the worries of this world to weigh me down.

I’m constantly looking in every direction to see where my blessing is gonna come from. I’m waiting for you to show up with this evacuation plan to get me out of this place.

I just wanna be alone with you, but whenever I get by myself in quietness, I can hear the enemy loud and clear trying to get in my head. I need to hear your voice, Father.

I need to go higher; I want to be high up with you, not a drug type of high but the type of high where all I feel is joy and peace in You. The type of high where no negativity, no enemy, no type of harm can reach me.

I need you to capture my mind, Father, place your words deep inside my heart, get them stuck in my mind. Replace my thoughts with your thoughts. There are times when I know I need to pray, but no words come out. Lately, it’s been a lot of “God..I…never mind.”

I need you take my hand, so I can walk with you. I’m sorry I keep turning away from you.

Lately, I’ve been confused. Trying to fight off these lies of insecurities, the lies of anxieties that come from not having answers.

I want to love myself, but I don’t want my focus to be on myself. I want to love myself the way you love me, but I don’t want to fall into the self-seeking trap.

I’m trying to stay humble, but I can’t tell the difference between me having confidence or having pride. Aren’t I called to be strong and courageous? But what if I’m not doing it the right way? I’m contradicting myself.

I’m second guessing everything I do. I can’t depend on myself. I don’t want to get in the way of Your will, Father; Not my will for my life but Yours. I don’t want to do what I think is best for me because in the past, every time I did what I wanted to do or what I thought was best, I ended up down the wrong path.

Some won’t understand this, but Lord, we need your help. We need you to save us from ourselves and from this corrupt world. We need guidance. We need your Love.

I admit, I can’t live without you. Whenever I don’t hear your voice, I panic, but really, you’re just telling me to wait…be still and have faith in you.

I’m trying God. I’m trying to fight this fight and running this race the best way I know how.

I won’t move until I hear you say go, but while I’m being still and waiting, Father, I need you to keep me covered. Help me not to wander off or get distracted and pulled in by this world.

Picture this— you’re out in the woods with a group of other soldiers and you have the captain in front leading and guiding the way. The captain is giving out signs of when to go, stop, run, and even fight so as you follow, you’re constantly looking for the leader to give you directions. You’ve been doing this for some time now. There’s a destination point but there’s still some ways to go.

In the meantime, you may get tired and weary, but that’s okay because you have the leader there going before you. That is until you get impatient, look away or you stop paying attention. Then what? You get thrown off course. You may get lost; you get worried, and you get scared.

What do you do? You can’t do this on your own. You must find the leader and look unto Him to show you the way out to safety. There’s a purpose in all of this. A plan.

I need your guidance. I’m sorry, come save me again.

Open Topic

I Am Letting Go.

I’ve been patient in life for so long.

I’ve taken everything bad that anyone ever said to me and I stored it deep inside.

I’ve waited and waited because I thought things would change, that people would change, that destiny would go easy on me and pay me back by letting good things happen.

All of that is about to change.

I’ve realized something.

I’ve realized that waiting for things to happen, waiting for things to change, is a lost cause.

Nothing will ever be different if I don’t take my destiny into my own hands. 

This time, I’m slowly starting to realize that.

I’m slowly learning to let go of everything that bothers me and people who don’t value me.

First, people, I’m letting go of all of you who never did anything good for me; if anything, you always made me feel bad.

I’m saying goodbye to the heartbreakers.

You, who shattered my heart into thousands of pieces. 

You, who made me pick up those pieces one by one, pieces of a broken mirror I used to enjoy looking at.

Now, I’m collecting those shattered chunks and putting that mirror back together.

Only, I’m not sure if I’m going to like what I see in the end.

I’m letting go of the traitors and backstabbers who were never there for me when I needed them.

My loyalty never meant anything to you.

The fact that I forgot about my own problems to take care of yours meant I only got an empty thank you from you.

But when things went downhill for me and I needed you to have my back, you pretended you couldn’t hear me.

You turned on me.

Here’s a special goodbye to a crappy life.

I’m letting go of all the life situations that made me think I was not good enough or that I was never going to be.

I’m saying goodbye to a life full of disappointment and seemingly unbearable obstacles. 

Nothing is impossible. Nothing is undoable. It’s you who is your own obstacle in everything you do.

When you think you can’t, you will never be able to.

I’m letting go of those toxic thoughts that are only bringing me down and limiting my abilities.

I finally realized that I can do whatever I want.

I have to try hard and I have to be persistent, to never give up. Impossible?

It will be impossible to slow me down. 

I’m letting go of the known.

I’m walking out of my comfort zone.

Great things don’t happen in comfort zones.

You won’t discover what you’re capable of if you just keep surrounding yourself with the things you know, with something that sure and bulletproof.

You have to risk a bit and find your way out of an unknown or uncomfortable situation.

That is when you build yourself and become better and stronger.

I’m learning to let go of a limiting life.

I’m learning to embrace the excitement of what this new life is bringing me. 

So, here I am, ready to embrace everything that awaits me.

Here I am, happy to welcome my new life and all the things that come along with it.

I’m ready to finally love myself enough to recognize what great potential I have, rather than being a hopeless failure like others made me think.

I’m ready to give myself credit for all the good things I’ve done and am about to do.

I’m ready to tackle my dreams because I finally have the courage to.

And I’m only brave enough because I decided to leave behind everything that is not good for me. 

I’m slowly learning to become who I was supposed to be all along—a fighter, a dreamer, and a real woman.

And to do that takes courage. It takes time to realize what is bad for you.


Open Topic

Bad Days Don’t Last Forever.

I know you don’t believe me now.

I know that the pain you feel inside your chest is almost unbearable. I know you think this will never pass. 

But what you don’t know is, that bad days don’t last forever.

They are there just to remind us how small we actually are. 

They are there to let us know that we can lose everything we have within a minute.

They remind us of how everything can change quickly and that we can’t affect it.

But, on the other hand, those bad days won’t be there all the time.

Bad days can come and go just like good ones. 

But you know what is important?

It is important how you behave on those bad days.

If you feel you are having a bad day, just accept it. If you want to cry, cry.

If you want to talk to your friend, then do it. 

If you want to scream, then scream. Just don’t keep the pain inside.

Don’t do it because once it explodes, it will completely ruin you.

You are allowed to fight your pain in ways only you know.

It is fine if you want to be alone or you want to surround yourself with people. 

It is okay if you feel that your world is falling apart.

It is okay if you think that things will never be the same. It is okay to be a mess. 

Just know that things like that never last long.

They last just long enough to remind us that no matter how good life is, all can change in a second. 

They teach us to be humble. They teach us to respect life.

They make us go through hell to be happy. They teach us how to grow. But they never ruin us. 

So, please bear in mind that no matter how disoriented and bad you feel right now, it won’t last forever. 

Remember that there is always sun after some rain.

So, why are you worried in the first place?

It is not the first time life has played with you like this. 

You have had these moments before, and in most cases, you have matured as a person.

Even if you had a bad day, something positive happened inside you.

That is what you need to seek in every bad day.

Look for that one positive thing which can make a difference.

These things don’t have to be complicated.

They can be simple like…

Just one smile of a stranger on the bus.

One ‘take care’ your bestie types in a text.

One ‘thank you’ that an old lady tells you when you help her cross the street. 

If you don’t see the positive things in negative ones, it is like you are closing the doors to blessings.

Because first, you need to learn things in a harsh way, and then you will be happy. 

First, you need to be broken and sad so you would cherish the moments when you become happy and fulfilled.

Otherwise, you won’t recognize the real blessings when they happen to you. 

I hope that now, you have a totally different perspective of all the bad days that are about to happen to you. 

I hope you are aware of the fact that they are there to teach you a lesson.

They are there to show you that no matter how much money or power you have, you are as small as any other human being. 

And you will realize that life is all about the small things.

Maybe money can make you happy but not more than the smile of your child when he/she sees you after your day at work. 

Those hands around your neck are the most expensive and meaningful jewelry you will ever have.

So, cherish people. Forgive them. Give them second chances.

But don’t let them make a fool out of you.

Live to the fullest and try things so you don’t regret anything. 

And one more thing; keep that charming smile both on your good and your bad days. 





Open Topic

His Path.

Life has beaten and bent you so many times, and you are surprised you are still standing.

It’s no wonder you’ve started thinking God has forgotten all about you or even stopped loving you. 

Shake that thought off right away because it’s not true.

When it comes to God, he only wants the best for you.

Trust me, I know. 

I also had that moment in my life where I looked up and asked Him directly: “Why do You hate me?” “What did I do wrong to pay for it with so many tears and disappointments?” 

I’ve been there, heartbroken, weak in faith, and emotionally exhausted.

But God made me ashamed for ever doubting Him. 

His path ended up being better than anything I could have ever imagined.

I just lacked patience.

I wanted things to fall into place immediately.

But that’s not how His path went.

It tested my limits. It made me feel weak and unwanted.

It made me doubt my purpose and my existence. 

I’ve been through a lot, and though love problems weren’t the worst that happened to me, somehow the pain they brought was the sharpest. 

So many times I hoped for the best and got the worst.

Everything would start off great.

I would get my hopes up, thinking that maybe this time my luck would change, but it never did. 

I would invest my whole being, and in the end, I would get one big fat nothing—drops of happiness and a sea of sadness; bits of love and a whole lot of disappointments. 

I wore my heart on my sleeve.

I was loyal to the bone, and I always gave the best of me for the person I loved…and I would end up hurt every single time. 

I didn’t know who I was, where I was going, and what destiny had in store for me.

I was lost and exhausted from my own feelings, and somehow God found me again. 

You see, all I needed to do was ask God to help me find my way and learn to trust His timing, and you should do the same.  

God can ease the pain in your heart.

He can be your main source of mental and emotional strength.

With him in your corner, there’s no reason why you will not be able to bounce back.

You are not alone.

We’ve all experienced similar feelings at one point or another.

We’ve all been down, and we’ve all gotten up eventually. 

Good and bad exchange paths all through our lives.

All the bad things that happen to us are our teachers; they force us to learn, and they strengthen us. 

If you are wondering why God allows these types of things to happen to you, the answer is strange, but God knows that set-backs and disappointments will make you a better person.

Every challenge in life is designed to test your courage, patience, and faith.

Running away from a challenge is one of the biggest mistakes that you can make in your life.

You should embrace every challenge with open arms.

God knows your tolerance level.

He knows how much pain you can bear.

He knows that you are much stronger than you think. 

Some pains are inevitable, and some of them are for your own good.

Him keeping you away from someone you are not meant to be with is definitely for your own good.

Staying longer than you should would definitely make irreparable damage. 

Some people simply don’t deserve to be in your life.  

Please keep in mind that emotional pain can serve your best interest.

It can help you become centered, and it can also help you build a stronger relationship with God.

God has your best interest at heart and He wants you to reach your full potential.

This is the primary reason why you face trials and turmoils.

All those falls will help you become a well-rounded human being.

They will teach you how to lift yourself up. 

Life is filled with small valuable lessons.

You must learn to take heed to them.

Once you do, you will become wiser, stronger, and bolder.

You will discover your own bravery, resilience, and true power.

You can learn from your mistakes and move forward.

Don’t make the mistake many people do and try to rekindle a toxic relationship.

Pursuing them is a waste of time and energy.

Believe me, I know that it can be hard to let someone go.

All those special memories and deep emotions can make it extremely difficult for you to move on with your life.

Sometimes you just have to forget what you want and think about what you deserve.

Sometimes you just have to change your mindset and look at the bigger picture. 

Instead of thinking that God hates you, try to look at it from His point of view. 

He is decluttering your life from toxicity.

He is teaching you how to love yourself more.

He is helping you build yourself into the person you were always supposed to be. 

He is clearing your path from everyone and everything that’s not meant to be, so you can find true love and happiness in your soul.

Little Girl Reaching The Sky Hands Praying Smiling on Sunny Beach





Open Topic

Healing.

What happened to you was not your fault.

It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved.

What happened to you was not fair.

You were merely collateral damage on someone else’s warpath, an innocent bystander who got wrecked out of proximity.

We are all traumatized by life, some of us from egregious wrongdoings, others by unprocessed pain and sidelined emotions. No matter the source, we are all handed a play of cards, and sometimes, they are not a winning hand.

Yet what we cannot forget is, that even when we are not at fault, healing in the aftermath will always fall on us — and instead of being burdened by this, we can actually learn to see it as a rare gift.

Healing is our responsibility because if it isn’t an unfair circumstance that becomes an unlived life.

Healing is our responsibility because unprocessed pain gets transferred to everyone around us, and we are not going to allow what someone else did to us to become what we do to those we love.

Healing is our responsibility because we have this one life, this single shot to do something important.

Healing is our responsibility because if we want our lives to be different, sitting and waiting for someone else to make them so,will not actually change them. It will only make us dependent and bitter.

Healing is our responsibility because we have the power to heal ourselves, even if we have previously been led to believe we don’t.

Healing is our responsibility because we are uncomfortable, and discomfort almost always signals a place in life in which we are slated to rise up and transform.

Healing is our responsibility because every great person you deeply admire began with every odd against them, and learned their inner power was no match for the worst of what life could offer.

Healing is our responsibility because “healing” is actually not returning to how and who we were before, it is becoming someone we have never been — someone stronger, someone wiser, someone kinder.

When we heal, we step into the people we have always wanted to be. We are not only able to metabolize the pain, we are able to affect real change in our lives, in our families, and in our communities. We are able to pursue our dreams more freely. We are able to handle whatever life throws at us, because we are self-efficient and assured. We are more willing to dare, risk, and dream of broader horizons, ones we never thought we’d reach.

The thing is, that when someone else does something wrong and it affects us, we often sit around waiting for them to take the pain away, as though they could come along and undo what has been done.

We fail to realize that in that hurt are the most important lessons of our lives, the fertile breeding ground upon which we can start to build everything we really want.

We are not meant to get through life unscathed.

We are not meant to get to the finish line unscarred, clean and bored.

Life hurts us all in different ways, but it is how we respond — and who we become — that determines whether a trauma becomes a tragedy, or the beginning of the story of how the victim became the hero.


Open Topic

You Glow Differently.

You glow differently when you let the pain go. The pain of the past. The pain of your childhood. The pain of your breakup. The pain of your failures. You glow differently when you don’t let pain define you. When you take the lessons it taught you and turn them into wisdom, into art, or into stepping stones on your way to resilience.

You glow differently every time people expect you to break, but you don’t crack. You’ve survived storms before. You’ve overcome tragedies and painful experiences before. You can do this. You glow differently when you allow yourself to feel the pain without letting it permeate your life. When you let it all out, but continue to live your life to the fullest. When you let the darkness roll out, but let the sunlight in the next morning.

You glow differently when you don’t let your heartbreak stop you from finding love again, when it becomes your motivation to find your passion, or get back in touch with your friends or meet new people. You glow differently when you believe that these things end for a very good reason, even though you might not understand it right away, it’s what’s best for you. You glow differently when you believe that God won’t take something away from you unless something better is on the way.

You glow differently when you don’t let your childhood wounds define you. Whether it was how your parents treated you or what they told you about love or about yourself. You glow differently when you forgive yourself. When you don’t carry the burdens of your childhood with you. When you don’t let the darkness of the past shadow the brightness of your future.

You glow differently when you’re not scared of pain, when you’re not ashamed of your scars, when you’ve found a way to accept the pain, and you’re not ashamed to tell your story. When you let your pain inspire you to dig out your inner strength, your power or your talent. You glow differently every time you grow out of your pain and find happiness again.

You glow differently every time you heal, because it looks so damn good on you.

Open Topic

I’ll Love You…

Maybe you aren’t everything I think you are.

At least that’s what people tell me. They see everything you’ve done wrong. Every mistake you’ve made. Every moment you let me down. And I’m not blind to it. I’m not naive. Because I know you have flaws.

And the truth is, as I get to know you more, I see more clearly that you aren’t some perfect person I thought you were when we first met.

The truth is, as you get to know people more, you begin to see everything a little closer. Skin that might look perfect from afar, you might not notice has a scar with a story of how it got there. And that’s the beautiful thing about people, there is always more than that which scratches the surface.

And I enjoy learning everything about you. Even the bad stuff.

Because the truth is, even with the flaws that prevail, I still see everything good about you.

Even with every mistake you’ve made and stories of your past of things you can’t forgive yourself for, I look at it as something beautiful. Because all of it made you into the person you are today. 

So if you’d let me, I’d like to love you at your worst.

I’ll love you in those moments where you aren’t quite yourself and you don’t like the person looking back at you.

I’ll be there to remind who you are at your best and who it is you make me.

I’ll love you during those nights you’re a little too tired and you look a little exhausted from a long day and you don’t know how you’re going to wake up and do it again tomorrow.

I’ll be there to remind you I’m proud of you and everything you do.

I’ll love you when you’re angry, even though it’s a side very few people see.

I won’t try to fix it, I’ll just love you the best I know how to.

I’ll love you in your absence, in the moments I wish you were standing beside me. I’ll understand that sometimes you can’t be and I will never hold it against you. Because I entered your life knowing very well there are things I’d come second to.

But the thing is with you, the juice is completely worth the squeeze.

Wherever I am and whatever I’m doing or whoever I’m with, in those moments we can’t be together, my heart is yours to have.

I’ll love you in those moments you’re putting on some act to appease people and with one look across the room, I’ll know something is up.

I won’t ask what or press you for details, but I’ll love you and listen when you’re ready to talk.

I’ll love you when you push me away and tell me you’re better off alone.

Because I won’t believe that for even a second. But what I do believe in is, you and us and the person you make me and the way you make me feel standing beside you. That’s enough for me.

I’ll love you for the past you can’t seem to accept because when I look at you, I see a future in your eyes looking back at me.

I’ll love you when you’re stressed and overwhelmed.

And I’ll do anything to try to help you even if there’s nothing I can do, may you find comfort in company and in knowing we are in this together.

As long as you continue to choose me every day, I’ll always be yours.

And if you let me, I’ll love you through those tears I know you think you’re too strong to cry.

I’ll wipe them thinking nothing less of you.

I’ll love you in those moments you become that drunk version of yourself and if I have to, I’ll let you be. I’ll let you have your nights as long as it’s me you wake up to in the morning. 

I’ll love you through the confusion life throws at you and the moments you don’t understand. I’ll remind you it’s okay to feel that way.

I’ll love you when you want to change something big about your life. Go somewhere. Do something.

Because I’ve always believed in you. And I truly believe you can do anything.

You’ll always have someone in your corner.

In those moments where you hate yourself, I promise you I never will.

If ever you should let me, know I’ll always love you at your worst. 

Because you at your worst is better than people’s best.

And if you let me, I’ll love you with everything I have in me.

Because the honest truth is, yes you have flaws, but there is nothing I would ever change about you.

Everything you are, makes me so proud of who I am. Proud to be someone who is worthy of standing beside you. Someone who loves themselves a little more for the love and attention you’ve shown me.

And maybe you aren’t everything I think you are. Maybe you’re more than anything I could have expected in a person, everything I’ve ever wanted, but couldn’t put into words. Everything I couldn’t even dream of, because it wasn’t until you came did I realize someone could fill my life and heart, the way you have.

And if ever I’m so privileged and you should let me, I’ll love you forever and always.




Open Topic

Strong Girls Feel The Deepest.

“Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. It’s a big heart and aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength.” – Brigitte Nicole

She’s not afraid of telling you she likes you. As much as she fears it, she fears more not saying something.

She doesn’t look at the way she feels as something that is clingy or too much. To her, it comes naturally.

She’s been told she should be different. She should change. She should hide how she feels and not put it all out there. But being exactly how she is, is who she is to a core.

And she’s not afraid to show you exactly that and exactly what she feels.

She’s not afraid to say “I love you,” even if you don’t say it back.

She loves deeply not because she’s desperate to be loved. She just isn’t afraid to love.

She knows how to love even in those moments she’s been met with heartbreak.

She considers it a weakness to hide how she feels, in a world that’s told her to do just that. She hopes you feel the same way, but she doesn’t need you too.

She knows love isn’t that which needs to be reciprocated, but rather enough that you both can feel it.

Unrequited love is a life she knows but does not fear because she knows she’s doing it right.

For she’d rather love someone too deeply and let them know it, than fear never saying something at all.

She isn’t afraid of intense feelings.

She lives for the eye contact that lasts a little too long. She lives for the hugs that linger. She lives for those moments where you just know something is there only none of you say it.

She’s waiting for her time, not out of fear or trying to be coy. But she knows with confidence no matter how much time passes her feelings won’t change. There is a confidence to that. 

And there’s no pressure for her.

You won’t have to wonder what she’s thinking. You won’t have to wonder if she’ll answer your text or snap or like your instagram. She feels no shame in answering too quickly or being the first like or view.

She won’t lie to you. She won’t make you question anything.

She knows dating is a game. A game that will never be won by those who choose to participate.

So she chooses not to play you or let you play her.

By not playing this game, she’s the one that always wins in the end.

She’ll build you up just because she wants to. She’ll give without expecting anything in return. You’ll wonder her motives. You’ll question her. Then you’ll realize everything about her is genuine.

Yeah, she might come on too strong, but it’s better than being cold and guarded.

Yeah, she might make every move you’re not supposed to, but that’s because she lives by her own agenda.

She’ll be blunt and so honest you think she’s trying to deceive you.

Be careful of girls like these. The ones that make every type of emotion look so easy.

The ones who don’t fear people at their worst.

Next thing you know, it’s 3 AM and you are telling her things you never told anyone. Next thing you know, she’s seeing you in states your best friend hasn’t. Next thing you know, you’re having deep conversations about things that have only ever crossed your mind and never come out of your mouth.

Fear the day you trust a girl who feels too deeply.

But fear, even more, the day you realize you love her.

And you will fall for her.

And you’ll realize this girl who was a little different came into your life and changed it ever so slightly, simply by showing you it’s okay to feel things deeply.

Even the bad stuff.

And she’ll see your worst. She’ll see you break down in moments you consider yourself weak and she’ll love you anyway.

And there will come a time where she trusts you enough to share everything in her past. And when she does, you’ll realize it’s not just love she feels deeply, but pain.

Tears will shed that she doesn’t hold back and you’ll see her in her most raw and honest state, telling you everything that’s happened to her.

And you won’t see her as ugly or vulnerable or too emotional or feeling things too deeply.

She’ll open up to you and you’ll understand everything about her. You’ll respect her a little more than you did before. And you’ll know in that moment, you’ve never seen someone so beautiful.

Because the girls who feel things deeply and aren’t afraid to show it, know the power of every emotion.

Girls like these play their emotions like keys to a piano.

They aren’t afraid of any feeling they have, in fact, they embrace even the bad things.

But girls like these, know how to change people through love. They know how to connect to people through pain.

They know vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but rather an essential moment that shows you exactly how much you trust someone.

These are the girls that change the type of game guys play by not playing one at all.

These are the girls who break through cold guarded hearts and through a simple touch and teach people to love again.

These are the girls who look fear in the eyes and smile with a coy look.

These are the girls who run through fire not fearing if they get burnt.

These are the girls who go for people who challenge them in such a way, it’s the other people who change as a result.

These are the girls that turn boys into men and assholes not want to be anymore. 

These are the girls who know not everyone is what they appear to be.

The strongest girls will always be the ones who feel things the deepest because they aren’t afraid to. For their greater fear is changing.

So to the girls whose fire burns a little too bright. The ones who are told they need to dim their light. Don’t.

You are the ones that change people through everything you are and when you walk away, don’t look back. Just know everyone you’ve crossed path with, you’ve left a burning trail never to be forgotten.


Open Topic

Anxiety Makes Me.

“I owe you an apology…” and he questioned why laughing and as my fingers began to type and I tried to explain everything that been going through my head in the past 48 hours, I realized how ridiculous I sounded. 

But the truth was, it might have been ridiculous but there were still things worrying me. There were still thoughts keeping me up.

And as I tried to explain all of it logically, I came to this realization nothing about anxiety is logical.

Anxiety plants these black seeds of doubt in my mind making me question everyone and everything. It makes me doubt really good people because anxiety tells me they aren’t. Anxiety tells me, “you should wonder if they are lying?” Anxiety tells me, “you’ve done something wrong.” Anxiety is what makes me question my self-worth, not people. Anxiety makes up these scenarios in my head and I have no choice but to follow the destructive path it will lead me down.

Next thing I know, I’m apologizing for something that didn’t even cross someone’s mind, but my over analytical skills think it’s something.

Anxiety creates solutions to things that aren’t even problems other than anywhere but in my head.


Anxiety makes me feel like I have to apologize for everything. 

Apologize for thinking too much.

Apologize for talking too much.

Apologize for texting too much.

Apologize for trying entirely too hard.

Apologize for caring too much.

Apologize for showing it.

Apologize for coming on too strong, if I did.

Apologize for the fact that I apologized.

Anxiety makes me feel guilty for being myself because I constantly wonder if people are going to take something I’ve said or done the wrong way.

Then I beat myself up over the, “What if” scenario.

It’s hard enough accepting who you are and embracing it when the world rejects everything about you. Everyone knows that battle. Everyone has fought it at some point.

But it’s harder when it’s you vs. yourself, in an internal battle that’s all in your head, you want so desperately to control.

You try to control something that’s been controlling you for as long as you remember.

It’s every person I doubt when I shouldn’t.

It’s every worse case scenario that never comes to life.

It’s ruining things before they begin because in my mind, I’ve already said or done something to end it. Or I will say or do something eventually.

Anxiety makes me look at my reflection and question everything I see.

Anxiety makes me want to hide who I am because I truly hate it sometimes.

I hate staring at a phone wondering why someone hasn’t answered and rereading every word to my previous text and wondering what they are thinking.

I hate wondering if I’ve done something in the past because anxiety doesn’t let me forget my mistakes.

It brings them up every so often reminding me of the time I messed up. And even when people have forgiven me, I still haven’t forgiven myself, regardless of how much time has passed. Anxiety makes me want to say sorry a hundred times just so the person knows.

I hate staying up at night questioning things I’ve done in the past, and worrying about things that haven’t happened in the future.

I hate always worrying about things. 

I hate being out in public because I’m in my own world sometimes. Physically I’m there but in my head, I’m not.

I hate the moments where I need to break down, only it isn’t the appropriate time to.

And I hate not knowing when something really little will set me off.

I hate the anxiety of being late, even though I know everyone said not to get there on time.

I hate the worrying what people think because as much as I try and play like I don’t care, I really do.

Anxiety tells me, no one likes me and here are 50 reasons why.

Anxiety makes me want to apologize for all of these things.

And when you first meet me, you won’t notice this is what I’m like.

I’ll hide it behind nail biting and tapping and excusing myself in public. I’ll hide it by listening instead of speaking. I’ll hide it behind a busy schedule and always doing things. The truth is if I’m busy, I’m not thinking too much about anything other than the task at hand. At first, I’ll do everything to hide it.

Hide the fact it took me 30 minutes to make a decision weighing out every pro and con. Hide the fact it takes me two hours to get ready because in my head, everything looks awful on me and anxiety tells me so. I hide the fact I have minor panic attacks if I’m late to something or if I’ve overslept. And how something so little can change a day that’s hasn’t even begun yet.

I’ll hide the fact I’m exhausted because I didn’t sleep last night thinking about something that may never happen.

And as you get to know me, you’ll begin to see how much anxiety plays a major role in my life.

And when you realize the truth, you’ll realize what I’ve had to live with most of my life. I’ll apologize for being this type of person.

I’ll apologize if it’s something you can’t second-hand deal with because there are times I can’t deal with it myself.

But at the same time, I can’t change it.

At the same time, I know I’m always going to live with this thing that dictates a lot of my life.

So I’ll always say sorry.

I’ll be sorry for the things I do and the things I don’t. But through your acceptance and understanding of something, I’m still struggling to understand myself, comes a love for you and all you are.

Only lately I’ve begun to realize, you don’t have to love everything about yourself before someone else does. Sometimes it takes someone loving those bits of yourself you reject, sometimes it takes hearing someone say it’s okay to be like this. It’s only then you begin to accept yourself for all you are but more than you realize, you don’t have to be sorry.


Open Topic

Peace Out 2019.

2019, it’s been a pleasure.

We had a long ride of ups and downs—maybe more downs than ups, but it had to be like that. I get it. I had to learn all the lessons you wanted to teach me.

We, this year and I, had to end it in a bang. Otherwise, I would have learned nothing.

I had to lose so many things in order to appreciate what was coming. I had to hit rock bottom to learn to rise again—stronger, smarter, better.

You’ve let me make one mistake after another because you wanted to teach me a lesson. You wanted me to never do that again.

Now that your and my chapter is coming to an end, I’m not angry anymore. I was in the beginning. I couldn’t accept what was happening to me. I couldn’t accept so many bad things coming one after the other.

I couldn’t believe it was all happening at the same time, like a chain reaction that had no intention of stopping.

Now, I realize that everything I was going through was for a reason. All the mistakes I’ve made were paving the road to a happier future. I just couldn’t see it right away. But I know it now.

I was so scared of endings. I was dreading goodbyes. They meant something was over, and over means sadness. It means loneliness. But what I didn’t see was, that with every ending starts something new.

Endings don’t have to be depressing and hurtful. Endings mean that something different is going to happen. Something different means change, and change is good because after every closed chapter comes another one.

And it’s up to me to decide whether that chapter is going to take a turn for worse than I’ve already felt or for the better. It’s up to all of us. We make our own destinies.

2019, you taught me to believe in myself when I was at my most insecure. You taught me to get up and fight when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and never get up. You made me listen to that little voice inside who kept saying: “Try, be better, be stronger, try harder!”

You challenged me and forced me to hit my limits, to really see what I was capable of doing. You got me out of my comfort zone and made me confront my fears instead of running away. Thank you for that.

During this year, I’ve learned what it really means to be brave and take advantage of all the possibilities I have in front of me. I just had to grab every moment I thought would bring me change. A change for the better.

I’ve learned that you cannot be stuck in the past. You have to look ahead because if you don’t seize the moment that is coming, that moment will never come back. It’s better to go for it than to miss out on it and regret it for the rest of your life.

2019, you taught me to live in the present, let go of the past, and look forward to the future.

You’ve taught me that every mistake I made, was for a reason. Every wrong move I made, led me to something new. I just didn’t see it then.

2019, the mistakes I’ve made brought me to my breaking point, but the strength I’ve gained made me get passed it.

Dear 2019, you’ve thrown me surprises I didn’t expect. You’ve tossed me into a horrible storm with wind throwing me back and forth. You’ve ridden me on emotional roller coasters and brought me to destruction.

But dear 2019, you’ve also given me hope, optimism, and faith that I can survive all the bad luck and the lousy hand of cards I was given. Because you see, here I am, at the end of yet another year, waiting to start another story of the many yet to come.

Throughout out the turbulent times, millions of things happening all of a sudden, you didn’t beat me down the whole way. You still decided to show me there is always a way out, that there is always a solution.

You gave me the strength I never knew I had. You taught me lessons I will never forget.

2019, I’m sad you’re coming to an end because that means I’m leaving the past in the past. But 2019, I’m happy that you’re finally over because that means I get to do things all over again. I get a fresh start.

I can do whatever my heart wants. I can pursue my dreams. I can let go of things I don’t want to remember.

2019, thank you for all the mistakes I’ve made. Thank you for helping me become a different person than I was a year ago.



Open Topic

I Survived.

This year wasn’t everything that I expected. It was a year in which I actually learned a lot of things but in a harsh way. It was a year of losing my loved ones, secrets revealing themselves, and seeing people around me taking off their masks and revealing their real faces.

During the year, I learned that I can rely only on myself. I learned that no matter how many times everybody tells me they will be there forever, they will leave, making excuses as soon as things get bad.

I learned that I shouldn’t give too much of myself to the people who
don’t deserve it and that words mean nothing if actions are different.

I learned that family doesn’t necessarily mean safety and that the ones who swore they will always protect me, left with the first bump on the road.

This was a year where I learned a lot about myself. I learned to control my emotions, to control the way I react and to embrace every change like it was the best thing that is happening to me.

During this year, I completely changed, but I am totally okay with it.

I had the bad luck to lose people who I thought were my best friends. But in fact, they were with me just because of some personal interest. They were with me because I was convenient for them. And nothing more. So losing them was a bad thing, but when I take a closer look, it is better that I saw their real faces in time.

This year taught me that when someone says they love me, it doesn’t always mean it will last forever. I learned that love is all about how much effort you are willing to make for someone. It is how much you are willing to give to them without asking for anything in return. I learned that I shouldn’t push things, especially when it comes to love. And that was the most important thing I learned so far.

This year also taught me that the only person I should trust is actually myself. Because I trusted so many individuals in my life, and they all took advantage of me. They disappointed me by taking me for granted and neglecting me. They didn’t see how much I was willing to make an effort for them. They only looked out for themselves.

This year I learned that in life, I can rely only on myself. I learned that every time I fall down, I need to get up. I learned I should never give up. Because if I do that, I will be lost completely. I will be just one more woman who gave up on her life. And that is not something I want to do.

I also learned that there will be different phases in life and that it won’t always all be so flawless. There will be hard times, times where I will feel I am losing my mind but that I will get over them if I believe in myself. I learned that life and love isn’t only about one man, and if he doesn’t make me feel happy, then I shouldn’t hold onto him.

I learned that love will come when I least expect it and that it is something I shouldn’t push. It should come to me naturally.

I learned that I don’t need a man to complete me. I don’t need one to be my hero either. I am strong and capable enough to take care of myself. And even when I will be tired to the bone, I will find that bit of power within myself to keep moving. I will never give up, especially not on myself.

This year taught me so many things, and some of them changed my outlook on life completely. I learned that I can survive everything that happens to me on my own and that I don’t need anyone’s help.

And even though more bad than good things happened this year, I am thankful for it. I am thankful because in this way, I learned how to cope with life problems and how to get out of them with a cold head.

This year helped me to grow and to understand myself better. And what is most important, it helped me see that no matter how much I am broken, I can be whole again.


Open Topic

To The Man Who Saved Me.

First of all: “Thank you.”

Before life surprised me and brought you to me, I was miserable. I didn’t even want to live. I had had enough. I was depressed and broken. Love had beaten me down.

Love was my biggest enemy.

Before you came along, the man who I thought was ‘the one’ used me, and when he was done, the only thing he left were the shattered pieces of my broken heart. He didn’t care. He moved on.

I was the one who had to heal by myself. I was the one who had to fight depression. I was the one who had to find the courage to go out again. He just picked up where he left off.

And then you came. You carefully took me and brought me back to life. You didn’t have to do that. It would have been easier for you if you didn’t do that. But still, you wanted to.

Thank you.

Thank you for all the times you’ve been by my side. Even when I asked you to leave me alone, you were there. You kept your distance and you gave me space, but you were still there.

Thank you for every time you’ve climbed the walls I built around me.

Thank you for finding the way to reach me.

Thank you for reminding me how beautiful and worthy I am.

Thank you for respecting me like I respect you.

Thank you for loving me I felt I didn’t deserved to be loved..

Since the day you came into my life, I realized I had longed for you to come. I realized that my life suddenly has sense. I realized I was missing you all this time.

Having you by my side has brought me happiness and nothing else. Now, I know for sure, I’m going to be happy for the rest of my life. Now, I know I’m going to be loved unconditionally. Now I know I needed this—I needed your unconditional love from the start.

I thought that no one can understand me—that I am all alone—until you showed up and convinced me to think otherwise. Before, I imagined I would be living a lonely, sad life, but now, I can’t imagine a life without you.

To my love, the one that saved me—thank you for showing me that life is so much more than pain and suffering. Thank you for helping me learn to love myself. I would never have succeed if you hadn’t given me your unconditional love.

Thank you for putting up with my ‘crazy ideas’ and my different sides. Thank you for being there for me when I am at my worst. Thank you for smashing every single brick that I lay when I start building the wall around me. Thank you for not letting me hide inside.

Thank you for loving me with my flaws and my past. Thank you for sharing the burden of life with me. Thank you for loving me.

Me & Mark.


Open Topic

A Thank You Letter To Mom.

Dear Mom,

I know that you are aware of the fact that I love you and that I would give my life for you, but I have a strange wish to put all my emotions and thoughts on a piece of paper. I want this letter to always remind you of me and of how much you mean to me.

Honestly, I didn’t think about a mother’s love, but now I know what every mother has to go through to bring a child into the world and to raise it.

Now, I finally understand what kind of sacrifice you made to make me happy. I realize that your life changed from the moment you found out you were pregnant. Your body totally changed. You couldn’t sleep well. You had nausea every morning, and you couldn’t enjoy life as you wanted.

And when you gave birth to me, you put me first. You forgot to take care of yourself. You took care of me instead. You knew you are the only person who can give me all that I need, and you gave me all your love unselfishly.

You neglected your own wishes because you had a baby who totally depended on you. You gave me everything I needed to grow up into a happy and satisfied child.

You gave me so much, Mom, and there are no words strong enough to tell how much I love you and how thankful and blessed I am to have you in my life.

Thank you for every night you spent awake with me while I was shaking in fever. Thank you for cooking my favorite meals when I didn’t want to eat anything else.

Thank you for your understanding, love, support, affection and empathy. Thank you for being the best mom a person could wish for.

I just want you to know that you did a great job, and thanks to you, I am the woman I am today. You put so much effort into making a strong and high-quality woman out of me, and that’s why I can take care of myself now. I don’t need a man to complete me because I am good on my own.

I know how much I bring to the table, and nobody can take that away from me. Thanks to you Mom, I became a woman who won’t let any man abuse her and mistreat her. You taught me that a man needs to respect a woman and that in love, both partners are equal.

You also taught me that it is human to forgive and that if I don’t forgive people, they won’t forgive me either. You wanted me to learn all those valuable life lessons and to use them in my life. You always hoped that I will be a woman you will be proud of, and I really believe that you can do that because I am doing my best to be the best version of myself and to remember your words in every tricky situation.

You know, Mom, I couldn’t understand some of your actions until now, but as I am getting older, I see that you were always right. You were right because you had life experience, and I didn’t want to listen to you back then.

That’s why I want to say that I am sorry. I was a teenager, and I thought that I knew what was the best for me. I thought you were just jealous of the life I had and that you just wanted to keep me in the house. At one moment, I thought that you really hated me. But now I see that you did all of that for my well-being. Every time you told me to skip the party and to stay at home to prepare for school you were actually thinking about my future.

You wanted me to graduate and to find a decent job, so I don’t depend on any man in my life. You wanted me to be my own boss and to learn to handle problems alone.

Every time you told me not to sweat the small stuff and that I shouldn’t be worried about a boy in my life, you actually wanted to teach me that life is not all about one man but that it is about the right one. And you wanted me to take time to actually meet the one and marry him, instead of marrying the first guy I bumped into.

You always wanted me to rely on myself only because in that way, I could become a strong and independent woman.

And I am glad that I listened to your advice (it is not like I had some other option) and that I organized my life in the best possible way.

Now, I finally understand how great a mother’s love is. Now, I can see all the sacrifices, tears, worrying and mixed feelings. I can feel what it is like to let go of someone, who you were carrying under your heart for 9 months, into this cruel world.

I finally understand all your worry and preaching about the things I couldn’t understand back then. Now I realize you wanted all the best for me, but I was just stubborn enough to not listen to you.

I am so glad that you were persistent and strong where it came to me and that you were able to bring me to the right path. That is something for which I will never be able to thank you enough.

In the end, I want you to know a couple of things: I want you to know that I love you to the moon and back and that I appreciate everything you did for me. I am thankful for having you in my life, and I hope we will spend more amazing years together. Mom, thank you for being my biggest fan, my late night call, my human diary and my best friend.

Thank you for your unselfish love and support, and most of all, thank you for believing in me so strongly. If it weren’t for your faith in me and your words of support, I would never have achieved what I have achieved so far.

You have always been, you are and you will always be my best friend! I love you more than you can imagine, and I just hope God will give you a long life that you can spend surrounded by people who love you.

Mom, thank you for every kiss, every hug and every word of support. It meant more than you can imagine to me. Thank you for never giving up on me. Mom, thank you for everything!


Open Topic

I Was Just A Chapter.

When someone leaves you, the mere act of going through a devastating breakup is usually the biggest pain about it all.

Your heart is crushed and all of a sudden you have to learn to live without the man who was the center of your world and whom you miss like hell.

You have to accept that this guy stopped loving you and that you simply must go on with your life without him in it.

You’re forced to come to terms with the fact that you have to move on without him who was the most important person to you.

And yes, going through something like this is always difficult, but when it comes to us individually, it’s actually the easiest part.

When it comes to the two of us, the situation is quite different.

Yes, I was shattered that you walked out on me, that you abandoned me when I needed you, and that you left me behind without ever looking back.

However, what hurts me even more is the fact that you were only temporary in my life.

I’m crushed that, at the end of the day, you didn’t turn out to be my forever person, despite all of my hopes and desires.

Yes, now I can finally say it out loud without feeling like someone is stabbing me directly in the heart: you and I were just chapters in each other’s lives.

And the worst part is that we were supposed to be much more.

When I met you, I didn’t think that you would storm right through my life the way you did.

From the first moment, I loved you so much that I never imagined a day  where our story would be nothing more than a part of ancient history.

I saw everything in you: a boyfriend, a closest friend, and a future husband.

I saw you as my life partner, the man I could grow old next to, my soulmate, and my match made in heaven.

I was certain that you and I were meant to be together – that we both spent our entire lives preparing ourselves for our encounter.

I thought that the divine forces wanted us to end up together and that nothing or nobody could ever tear us apart.

How foolish of me, right?

I guess I was nothing but a naive, romantic girl who expected more than she could possibly get.

Because you never saw me as your lifetime plus one, did you?

You never considered me to be anything more than someone to shorten your days, give you a bit of a good time, and keep you warm at night.

For you, I was never more than a temporary girl who served you well until someone better came along.

I was convenient and suitable only at a given moment, but sadly, it took me too long to realize that.

For you, I was just a chapter, while for me, you are an entire book.

Despite the fact that we’re over, you still remain the central character of my story, while you never gave me anything besides a supporting role in yours.

Yes, admitting this to myself sucks.

It’s not only an attack to my heart – it’s a real ego destroyer.

However, after a lot of thought, now I know that this situation doesn’t decrease my value as a woman.

It doesn’t mean I’m not enough, nor does it make me any less worthy.

So, instead of lamenting the past, I’ll do my best to start writing a new life chapter.

I’ll accept that this one is finished, leave you on the shelf of my heart, and treat you like a distant memory.

I will wait for a man who won’t have doubts about whether I’m the one.

A man who’ll be sure about me and see me as much more than someone fleeting.

I will wait for a man who’ll make me the star of his movie.

For one who’ll never be in need of other actresses.

A man who wants to finish his book with me by his side.



Open Topic

If You Give A Girl A Brother.

If you give a girl a brother, she will have a friend for life.

She will have someone to create memories with and treasure them throughout her whole life. She will share her hopes and dreams with him and trust him with her secrets.

They will bicker. They will fight and a few hours later act like nothing ever happened, and everything is alright. There is nothing stronger than the bond between siblings. That’s why they have a forgiving heart.

If you give a girl a brother, she will always have someone to make her smile.

Every holiday, family gathering, vacation, and road trip with her brother will make a good time even better.  

With a witty brother by her side, she’ll always have someone to cheer her up. Her happiness means the world to him. That’s why he’ll keep her safe and do his best to make her smile.

If you give a girl a brother, he will always have her back.

He will do his best to keep her from harm. He won’t allow anyone to mess with her feelings, and she will always know that her brother is someone she can rely on.

When guys come knocking on their door asking her out, he will look with disapproval because there’s no one worthy of his sister’s sweet and loving heart.

If you give a girl a brother, you are giving her a safe haven.

You are giving her someone to run to when the world is cruel and unfair. When her entire world comes crashing down, he will help her pick up the pieces.

He will be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a rock she can depend on.

If you give a girl a brother, she will be loved unconditionally.

He will love without holding back. Even if he doesn’t say it in so many words, she will always know that she is one of the most important women in his life.

He will love her just the way she is. Even if he teases her and makes fun of her from time to time, she will know that’s just the way brothers express their love.

If you give a girl a brother, you are setting her up for an amazing life.

She will always have someone to keep her on her toes. He will have his unique ways of making her reach her full potential, no matter how unusual they might seem.

He will make fun of her and tease her until she works harder, reaches for more and proves him wrong. His reverse psychology never fails, and he will be beyond happy to see his sister thrive.

If you give a girl a brother, you will make her the luckiest girl alive.

My Brother Cameron.



Open Topic

To The Girl Who Was Abused.

To a girl who was emotionally, physically and sexually abused, love is something she has a hard time defining.

Her abuser changed her perception of reality. He used to say he loves her at one point, and soon after, that he would call her names and say the meanest things.

He used to hug her and kiss her then scream at her and break the plates as they would fight. Everything was always her fault.

He got so good at playing the victim that she really looked for the problem inside of herself. She thought that she needs to change. She thought she was the cause of her unhappiness.

You see emotional, physical and sexual abuse made her think that she wasn’t good enough.

It made her think that she isn’t worthy of love and that most of the things that happened to her were somehow her fault.

It took her a long time to realize that it was never about her. She rebuilt her life.

She worked on her insecurities and got her self-esteem back. She gradually learned to love herself again.

She found her inner peace. She renewed her life. She became happy all on her own, and it took her so long to get there that she is scared to lose it.

She is scared that somebody will hurt her again, take her back to the start and that all her efforts will have been in vain.

She keeps telling herself that not all men are her ex. That they are not all the same. But she can’t help being scared.

That’s why she needs someone she feels safe with.

She needs someone she can trust. That’s why she believes in taking things slowly and creating that trust with her partner.

Trust is no longer something she gives out freely. It needs to be earned.

She needs a man who will get that. A man who won’t mind reducing the pace and be everything she needs.

If she finds that man, she will lower her guard and not a minute sooner.

She needs someone who will make her stop fighting her feelings.

She is afraid to let herself go and really and truly feel. That’s why every time she sees that she is getting to close and too attached to somebody she backs down.

She pulls away, but she hopes that he will hold her tight. She hopes that he will reassure her and tell her that everything will be ok.

When she finds someone like that, maybe she will give love a chance but not a moment sooner. She wants to feel as safe as possible before taking the risk.

She still believes in love, and she still craves it, but she has higher standards now.

If there is a silver lining in everything that she has been through it is that she learned just how strong she is and that she needs to love and appreciate herself more.

She learned those lessons the hard way, but at least now she has no problem with letting go when she sees the red flags of toxic and abusive behavior she has endured.

She would never again tolerate something like that again. She raised the bar, and her standards are higher now. She is not being unrealistic. She just knows what love should never look like.

She knows that love shouldn’t feel like torture. She knows love shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself. She knows that love shouldn’t lead you to emotional death.

She knows love should be kind and supportive. She knows that love adds to your happiness. She knows that love doesn’t hurt. She knows that love makes you fly.

Open Topic

An Open Letter To My Mom.

Dear Mom,

As I sit here writing, I am reminded of how long I have harbored all of the thoughts, feelings, and secrets I am about to reveal in this letter. I can feel the weight of the load I’ve been carrying begin to lighten with every word I type. For the past 20 years, I’ve held onto so much guilt, shame, embarrassment, pain, and anger. And as many times as I’ve attempted to write and complete this letter, truth is, when I could find the words I wanted to write, I was too high… too fucked up to even make a half-assed crack at it.

But NOT today… NOPE!! I am sober, clear-headed, and ready to talk about all of the “what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors” secrets that you always insisted were tall tales and fabrications of a troubled child seeking attention.

Please let me start by saying that I FORGIVE YOU and love you… and that this letter is not to bash you or make you feel that the trouble I’ve gotten into or the questionable decisions I’ve made are in any way being blamed on you. I also want to say that I am sorry for the mean and hateful things I have said and done over the years, and although my drug use did the talking for me for a long time, that’s in no way an excuse for my actions.

We have had some great times, haven’t we? Laughed until we cried… Been there for each other through some pretty rough and trying times… Held each other through the heartaches and tears… experienced love, hate, life, and death. God knows we’ve had some knock-down drag-out fights, and said things we didn’t necessarily mean. Our relationship has been one hell of a roller coaster, to say the least. Looking back, I never could understand why, when I needed it the most, though, you failed to protect me…

Why, at 14 years old, was I called a liar and disregarded as a child just seeking attention, when my older sister warned you about what my brother-in-law had unsuccessfully tried to do to her, but successfully did to me? Why was I never told that what he was doing to me was sick, demented, and wrong? Truth is, at that age I had no idea that what he was doing wasn’t supposed to feel good, or that it would leave a lasting impression on not only the way I viewed men, love, and sex, but also the way I viewed safety, security, and – most importantly – the way I viewed myself for a good majority of my life.

And why, why, why wasn’t he the only one who ever had the chance to do something so horrible like that to me? Why were there others that got the opportunity to stare at me with devious thoughts and intentions, and then at some point or another carry out those same thoughts and actions, with no consequences? Why didn’t you protect the daughter you swore to love with all your heart? Was it me? Was it something I said? Something I did? Something I didn’t do?

And all the while, not only was my brother-in-law interested in your 14-year-old daughter, ”Every time he’d pick me up for work or other outings and activities, he’d be sure to make some random stop, in some random hidden away place, to get a piece of your young daughter’s innocence and free spirit.

During this time, I fell sick into major depressive disorder, allowed my 4.0 GPA in school to fall significantly to a ridiculous 1.5 GPA, stopped involving myself in my extra-curricular interests… For God’s sake, I cut my hair into “dyke-spikes,” wore all-black clothing, piled on the dark makeup – hoping and praying that I would be too ugly to mess with any longer – that I would no longer be the object of their disgusting games. I guess they never got the memo, because it continued.

How many times was all of this brought to your attention? How many times did I beg you to let me stay home? How many times did you ground me because I “acted out”? How often did you back-hand me and make my ears ring because I cried and yelled and threw fits because I had alot of anger inside of me? Why didn’t you protect your daughter?

I was a couple of weeks from celebrating my 15th birthday when I returned to your home from work, and you sat all three of your daughters down to tell us dad was having an affair. I was hurt, acted out in anger and distant because me and dad used to be close. I also fell into severe depression and stayed home from school for weeks. By that time, I believed that you had no right to try to tell me what to do or how to live my life. When my 16th birthday rolled around, you and dad got back together, then a few months later was pregnant with my brother. I was jealous and had anger inside of me because for one, I was no longer the baby of the family and two, I would’ve been pregnant too if I never got that abortion. My due date would’ve been December 5th, and today that day is hard for me when it comes around every year.

But you didn’t put up much of a fight with my rebellious “you can’t tell me shit” attitude, so I rolled with it, and took it to a whole new extreme. Stayed out as late as I wanted, with whoever was the “flavor of the week” or the most wild and crazy, cussed like a sailor, drank as much alcohol as I could get my hands on, tried marijuana, and even dabbled in cocaine for the first time. Whenever you’d protest, I’d storm out of the house with my middle finger in the air and a big “FUCK YOU!!” screamed as loud as I could.

I even met my boyfriend’s mom around that same time, and almost immediately moved him in, even though he was a 22-year-old cocaine and alcoholic, with an on-again-off-again job and no ambition or desire to do anything more than spend every waking hour tangled up in the sheets with your 15-year-old.

I sat in the bathroom of our “home” 4 months after the most outrageously partied out sweet 16, with a POSITIVE pregnancy test sprawled out on the countertop. I was numb to how I felt. I told the baby daddy I am pregnant and right away he told me to get an abortion, and so I did! After I got the abortion I realized the baby was someone else’s and now I have live with the regret everyday because I got that abortion.

Two years later, I got a job dancing in bar that my boyfriend took me to. Not long after that we broke up and I met someone else whom I married at age 22 and I quit dancing. Again I was pregnant, but I lost it. We got divorced two years later. Then I got back together with my ex and I went back to the bar to work and someone introduced me to crack. My life from there went downhill.

Fast forward nearly 4 years, we fell back into a somewhat mother-daughter routine, not too much unlike my rocky childhood.

Fast forward yet another 3 years and I was again back at home living with mommy dearest.

Less than a week later, I was in jail, facing almost 3 felonies, which were not only pressed by you, but were complete lies. Protection against myself, you had said. Huh??

The next 8 years are foggy and clouded, mostly because I was too high to pay attention or care. In the midst of it all, I lost myself – totally and completely. I would stand in front of the mirror and be so mortified at the person staring back at me, I’d cry and scream at the damn thing.

I spiraled out of control, almost died a time or two, and could’ve cared less. I lost everything I owned more than once, lost the only two things that meant anything to me in this world, and lost myself more and more every day. Spent moments in and out of jail, just to come out and get right back to where I was before, despite my best efforts.

Then one day I woke-up and realized that if ever I was going to move forward, I had to stop living in my tormented past. So I sat down and finally wrote this letter, which you may never even read. Because I have to forgive you and move on from the pain and anger.