Turn Yesterdays Into Today.

A lot of us are stuck living in our past, even if we don’t realize it. We are letting our mistakes and our past stories define who we are today. We are allowing our past fears and stories to keep us stuck in one place. We are carrying the heaviness of our old regrets with us every single day and reliving the pain over and over again. And we are allowing ourselves to be defined by who we used to be, rather than by who we are now.

I think the main reason we cling to yesterday is because the past is familiar—it’s what we know and what we are used to. It’s comforting, even if it’s heavy. The unfamiliar is daunting and scary. And we don’t know how to face it without carrying our yesterdays into today. We fear losing our old, comforting memories. We don’t want to move forward. Or we don’t know how to move forward because we feel so much regret and remorse over our previous mistakes. But by living in the past, we are stunting our growth and holding ourselves back. We are preventing ourselves from becoming who we are actually supposed to be. We are preventing ourselves from writing new and better stories. We are all changing with every single sunset. We are all becoming more. And we have the ability to not just become more, but to become better. We have the ability to create miracles. We have the ability to make waves. We have the ability to move and be moved. But to do so, we have to stop letting ourselves be defined by our yesterdays. We have to have the courage to learn who we are becoming and, in time, to become.

I think it’s safe to say we all learn from our experiences and grow through what we’ve been through. But there’s a difference between clinging to our past and using our past to help us grow and move forward. We are not obligated to be a certain way, act a certain way, or take on any sort of identity just because we were a certain way in the past. Ultimately, our past should not stop us from being who we want to be now. It’s actually kind of cool to realize that we are constantly evolving and that we can ultimately be whoever we want to be. But I also think that we are afraid of the present. We are afraid of who we are and who we are becoming, especially if it strays from who we used to be. We get so used to being a certain way that we are afraid to look at the world from a different perspective. And because we don’t always love change, we try to stay the same as to not cause ripples in the water. We let our yesterdays determine our identities, rather than doing the work and deciding who we want to be today. And by staying the same, we are restricting ourselves to small boxes, rather than allowing ourselves to see the world as big and expansive.

Out of comfort, we cling to our old identity because we are afraid of what would happen if we changed. And we think we need to be the same way we’ve always been because that’s how other people expect us to be. In an attempt to not let them down, we try not to change. But in doing so, we are putting the satisfaction of others above the satisfaction of ourselves. And this is a big red flag. Holding ourselves back for the benefit of others prevents us from thriving. Trying to please everyone else in the way we always have is just another way of letting our past dictate our present. It’s just another way of keeping ourselves small, rather than allowing ourselves to grow.

And sometimes, we cling to our yesterdays by living in a constant stage of regret. We worry so much about our past that we don’t have the energy or stamina to adjust to our present. We worry about the mistakes we made and the decisions that we are not so proud of and we let them define us. And ultimately, we fall into the belief that we are the sum of our mistakes. We are the sum of our failures. But this kind of thinking is heartbreaking, and it’s not true.

See, really, we are the sum of all of the progress we have made. All of the times we decided to move forward against all odds. We are the sum of all of our little victories, not of our regrets. We don’t have to live in a constant stage of guilt or regret. We don’t have to keep reliving our mistakes or letting them define us. And we don’t have to hold ourselves hostage to who we once were. Instead, we should put our energy into focusing on who we want to be or what we want to contribute to this world. We should focus on how we want to live now, in the present. We should focus on what kind of souls we want to surround ourselves with. We have all of the power to write our stories. The key is to use our past as a stepping stone to become who we want to be, rather than falling victim to it. The past is the starting point, not the entire story. As the great William Shakespeare once said, “The past is prologue.”

Maybe you can’t rewrite your story. But you can write a new story. You can start wherever you are and go in whichever direction you choose. You have the power to create whatever kind of life you want moving forward. You have a blank slate in front of you. You can do whatever you want with it, not in spite of, but because of your past story. You can be whoever you want to be now. You can reinvent yourself every single day.

And some days you may miss your past. You may miss how life used to be and how you used to be. It’s okay to pause for a minute and appreciate how good life was. But living in memories takes away from the now. Even if today doesn’t feel as good as yesterday, use your past experiences to create today’s experiences. What is it that you miss? How can you recreate that feeling in a better way in the present ?

And sometimes, to move forward, you may need to burn bridges to the past. Sometimes you will have to learn and acknowledge that what is ahead of you is going to be better than what is behind you. So focus on what brings you joy in the present. Put all of your energy into what fills up your cup now, even if it is different than what used to make you feel whole.

So please stop letting your past hold you back. Stop attaching too much of your identity to yesterday’s regrets or yesterday’s mistakes. Stop letting your yesterdays take up too much of today. Try to put your past behind you and realize that each day is a new day, and you get to decide what this new day will look like. No amount of guilt is going to change what happened yesterday. No amount of regret or remorse is going to solve yesterday’s problems. So apologize to whoever you need to apologize to (and this person may be yourself) and then tell yourself that it is okay to move forward. Know that you are safe to move forward. You deserve to have the opportunity to move on. You deserve to have a blank, clean slate ahead of you. You deserve a second chance.

You don’t have to be whoever they think you are. You don’t have to be who you used to be. Yesterday belongs in the past. Today is the present. So make the most of it. Be the person you want to be and live the life you so desperately want to live.

Finding My Passion Thru Anxiety.

Welcome to the story of a girl who struggled with anxiety for 34 years. Also, welcome to the story of a girl who’s happy to be alive, has found her passion in life, and feels loved by the people surrounding her.

Years ago, I went through a traumatic and violent event that planted the seed for my anxiety to grow and flourish. I was 14 years old and naive when it happened. As a child, you never expect bad things to happen to you, for the world is merry and bright. With this came the loss of my childhood innocence at such an early age. My perception of the world changed much faster than it should for a child. My world went from white to black in a matter of seconds as I made direct eye contact with my rapist.

Years passed and the tree of anxiety continued to ground itself firmly inside my mind; its roots grew thick and strong. There were many contributing factors that watered this tree. To name a few: insecurities, paranoia, social anxiety, peer pressure and trauma. But if there’s one thing I have learned on this beautiful journey called life, it’s that we are all affected by them at one point or another.

For a long period of time, I was confined to the walls of my anxiety, feeling safe in this big, black hole that kept getting deeper and colder as time passed. I hated the situation I was in. I felt like I was stuck inside a well, but at the same time, I was incredibly comfortable and collected as I pushed myself away from the world I saw as cruel.

Crazy how the mind contradicts itself, right?

At this point, my anxiety had completely taken over. My mind was never silent and I always thought thrice before doing anything, even if it was as simple as choosing a pair of jeans to wear with a plain white tee.

Years passed and I continued to work on my myself and feeling okay again.

How?

By finding love and comfort in dance, music and writing. I realized then that my true passion lay with words and the incredible adventures they can create.

Growing up in a small-minded, judgmental society, I was criticized for liking things that were different. These included my tastes in books, music, and movies—basically anything that made me happy. But after realizing I genuinely did not give a damn about other people’s opinions, I kind of saw the light at the end of the longest tunnel ever.

Slowly but surely, I began to ignore what people said to my face and especially behind my back. So I spent more time in my room and less time in the social scene. Inside my own little mind palace, I started to discover many things I never knew I loved so much. I began to travel the world as I flipped through the pages and learned about the many opportunities that were at my fingertips. I got lost inside my own little realm of reality that no one could modify in the slightest or take away from me.

When I was 13, I said to myself, “I’m going to be a writer when I grow up.” Forty years later, I finally gathered enough courage to begin sharing my words with the world.

Was I completely terrified about publishing my writings and opening up my own Instagram page? Absolutely.

Did I shake each time before I hit the “post” button? You bet.

And well, here I am now, writing about how the darkest part of my life got me to where I am today—possibly the most content I have ever been with life thus far.

In this world, we are all far too important to be unhappy or displeased. Life is alarmingly short and sometimes ends in the most unexpected way. Today, I invite you to discover what is it that makes you happy. It can be as simple as lying barefoot on the grass whilst analyzing the clouds or it can be as complex as skydiving or starting a new business. In a world full of lies, anger, distrust, hatred, and violence, it is what makes us truly happy that keeps us from falling into a well of despair, because believe me, it is so easy to be influenced by what is happening out there.

You are special, different, and offer something new to this world, something no one else can bring to the table. Remember, you are one in 7 billion, so make it count. Today, do something that makes you happy regardless of what other people think. Whether you are struggling with a personal problem or just feel like browsing through this article, remember that we are a ticking clock. We never know when time will stop, so focus less on what brings you down and more on what makes you feel more alive, happy, and human.

Forty years later, here I am, telling you that there is a way out of everything.

For many years I kept searching for the answer to one question“What is the key to happiness?” Throughout this journey, I’ve answered it myself. The true key to happiness is finding your passion and running with it, so don’t ever let anyone take that from you, no matter how big or small your ambitions may be.

This Is What Anxiety Is Telling You…

I am my most anxious when I am alone. I don’t know if I become filled with so much anxiety in my solitude because I am not being productive, and lack of progression drives me crazy, or maybe it’s just because I am forcing myself to sit with absolutely everything.

It wasn’t until I eliminated every single possible distraction that I could finally hear what my anxiety was saying to me. As soon as there was no noise caused by distractions (sex, relationships, alcohol, the gym, etc), I found myself in my own silence.

Anxiety for me feels like intense emotion, emotion quite literally means: energy in motion. When I feel anxious and I feel an abundance of feeling with no place to go, that was the moment that I need to decide where it would go.

When you are alone and you feel anxiety, decide where you’re going to put that energy. Decide that you’re going to put it into yourself. Think of the anxiety that you feel in your solitude as a reminder of your commitment to yourself. Use that energy and expand, decide what you want for yourself, do something that will help you progress farther into the evolution of yourself. Take a step further in your education, apply for the opportunities you’ve always dreamed of, and start to believe that you are worthy of it all.

Use the energy in motion inside of you to push yourself farther. Do not allow your anxiety to bundle up inside of you and trick you into putting your energy into the wrong things. Do not let it make you worry, fear, and waste your time on things that aren’t for you and your benefit. Your anxiety is not meant to sit, it’s meant to move. Your anxiety is meant to move through you, for you.

When you feel anxiety when you are alone, let it inspire your solitude, create something with it, use the momentum and the intense energy to bring you to a place of peace. The anxiety that you feel when you are alone is reminding you that you need more of you, let it inspire you. Let it move you.

My Letter To God.

Dear God,

These past few months have been so difficult. You knew that I hit rock bottom. I barely survived as those raging storms seem so endless, sometimes I don’t even know whether it’s still going on. I know I shouldn’t complain like this, but I know that you are The Most Merciful and I know that you hear me.

Today, God, I’m tired.

I’m tired of faking my smile and pretending that I’m fine all the time. I’m tired of holding back my tears each day so no one will tell me to stop being weak. I’m tired of hiding all my insecurities and telling everyone that I’m strong enough to handle everything by myself. I’m tired of struggling on this battlefield which I don’t know how to win. I’m tired of facing those rejections and disappointments. I’m tired of having a heart which always needs mending.

So, God, please help me to go through this.

God, I’m scared of what will happen to me in the future. Will I survive this storm? Will I be content with what I have? Will I still be able to help other people? Will I ever be happy?

You’ve shown me how the real world works. You’ve shown me that this world is cruel. You’ve shown me how humans can be so greedy and ungrateful for your blessings. You’ve shown me how so many people are glorifying money and power, and you’ve shown me they will do anything to get it.

You’ve shown me how the majority of society forgets that this life is too short to be lived as someone who is materialistic. You’ve shown me people who make artificial things their ultimate goal and I don’t want to be one of them. God, please make me one of the people whose ultimate goal is to be closer to you each day.

You know me better than I do. You know my deepest secrets, you hear my whispers, and you listen to my prayers, even if I can’t say them out loud. You know the brokenness of my heart, the scars left by people, and the disappointments left by expectations.

You know what’s best for me and you have planned my life. I believe that you are the best of planners and if you ask me to wait, then it only means that there is more in store for me. Although sometimes it feels unbearable, I know that you will never abandon me, even on the days I have abandoned you.

So, when the time comes, I hope you’ll finally make me understand why you put me in hard situations. I hope you’ll make me find peace with what you decreed for me. I hope you’ll make me realize that those storms are one of the signs that you love me and you only want the best for me.

I hope you’ll always be near me whenever I have one of those days where I couldn’t carry on and my heart is so torn with anxiety. I hope you give me patience and an infinite belief that eventually, you’ll give me everything in the most mysterious, yet beautiful way ever.

God, whatever you give to me in this world, I hope that you’ll always bless me with beautiful patience.

May I always believe in You, for indeed, in Your remembrance do hearts find true rest and tranquility.

One Day…

One day she won’t be a choice you get to make. Because when all she has done is choose you and you haven’t been able to do the same, she’ll get tired of trying for your time and attention.

One day she just won’t have it in her to keep trying to prove she deserves a place in your life, when you’ve always had a place in her heart.

Because while you were picking and choosing if you wanted her in your life, she never had to wonder or think twice about what she thinks and feels.

One day she’ll stop worrying so much about every little thing she said and every move she made. She used to think that’s what would make you walk away. But now she’s the one leaving.

She knows now it’s more of a loss to you than it will ever be, if you don’t value her the same.

One day she’ll get tired of wearing her heart on her sleeve and loving you the same in the way she wished you loved her even half as much, and it will be then she learns to love herself with that same magnitude.

One day she’ll stop missing you when you’re standing right there, because you aren’t being what she needs in a person. Sometimes you are, then other times you completely shift. And she’s left completely perplexed about it.

In her mind, she wonders how can you be so sure of someone who doubts you or doubts how they feel about you?

And when she finally does walk away, she’ll miss you. She’ll want to reach out to you. She’ll want to know how you’re doing. But at the same time, she won’t. Because everything about you hurts her. Everything about you reminds her of how you never chose her entirely. Everything about you reminds her of the person she never stopped trying for, but couldn’t convince to feel the same no matter what she said or did.

The truth is, she finally stopped choosing you in hopes that maybe you’d prove you’d choose her after all this time.

Because that’s all she’s ever wanted.

I Wish…

I wish seeing your name in a snap didn’t immediately make me smile. And I could just ignore it. But you and I both know I’ll open and answer immediately.

I wish seeing your name in a story feed didn’t make me want to see it first. But I’m always just curious what you’re doing, who you’re with and part of me wishes I were there too.

I wish seeing your name view my story didn’t make me feel a certain way but the honest truth is, sometimes I post things in hopes you do look first too. Sometimes I scroll through a list of names just looking for yours.

I wish seeing you like something on my instagram didn’t make my heart flip a hundred ways. But it does.

I wish tags and shares didn’t make me fall harder for you. But I do every time.

I wish your texts didn’t come in and turn into hour conversations of reminding me no matter who I meet they aren’t going to make me feel the same way you do.

I wish sitting next to you, even in silence, didn’t leave me feeling so whole because I look over at you when you aren’t looking my way and I’m happy to be alive in that moment.

I wish you wouldn’t text me in the moment I’m about to move on and it’s like you know. I don’t know how you know exactly what to say at the most inopportune time. But you do. And in a second I’m brought back staring at a stranger, I wish it was you. 

I wish you wouldn’t pick and choose when you want me cause every time you disappear, I think it’s me that’s done something wrong.

Which leads to an unnecessary apology further proving I need you and I’d do anything to keep you.

I wish I didn’t compare everyone to you. And think they all simply fell short of all you are and everything I made you up to be in my head.

I wish you weren’t every thought the minute alcohol touches my lips and I use that as an excuse to talk about you or talk to you.

I wish you weren’t every first thought in the morning and every last thing I think of before bed.

I wish I didn’t lay there at night wishing you were there. Knowing very well you’re probably in bed with someone else. 

I wish I didn’t look in the mirror fixating upon flaws thinking that’s why I don’t care enough. Thinking it’s me not good enough for you.

I wish I didn’t mean it when I say I love you. But I love you so much I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings that lead to a dead end.

So I stay silent like it isn’t killing me to have this relationship we do.

I wish every time I pulled away, sometimes you would just let me.

You don’t like me enough to want to be with me, but you also don’t dislike me enough to let me go.

I wish I didn’t fear losing you as much as I do. But I think that’s exactly what needs to happen to get over you.

I just don’t know what will be harder, living with you in my life staring at something that will never be or letting go.

Because I know every time I let go, you’ll reach for me yet again, and all of this starts all over once more.

“Just Friends.”

“Just friends.” It seems like a very simple concept of two mutual people accepting that’s all it is. Accepting there is no physical or emotional relationship between you two. Accepting that feelings don’t exist. 

But what happens when feelings are there? When one person falls for the other? What happens when you throw the mix into it of a casual hookup? What happens when you fall head over heels for someone and they can’t be what you need?

The words, “just friends,” will make anyone cringe. Because anyone who has ever been there, knows maintaining a friendship comes when the other person just doesn’t feel the same way. You can’t change it so you’re forced to accept it.

You are forced to harbor these feelings within you and hope they stay dormant. But that isn’t an easy task to do.

There is nothing more painful than uttering the words “I love you” to someone who you know won’t say it back.

So why even say it?

You say it because it’s the purest love there is and it’s so rare to find. You say simply so they know, knowing you won’t gain anything out of it.

But it comes baring a pain you don’t deserve.

You are forced to be this person for them and be there for them while they pick and choose how they want you. And with that, comes blurry lines and mixed signals and the other person coming and going as they choose. Confusion is present as they try to figure out how they feel, you’re falling harder.

There are so many times I’ve looked at texts and things and analyzed it to the core. Thinking there’s gotta be something there. Screenshots sent. Friends following with me. I was convinced it wasn’t in my head and I wasn’t the only one feeling this. But regardless of how many mixed signals I came across, it never lead to where I wanted it. 

I learned “just friends” is a cop out. “Just friends” is an excuse. “Just friends” is you telling someone you can treat me how you’d like and I won’t change how I treat you.

And I didn’t. I let people walk all over me say and do what they wanted and I still desperately tried and never altered how I treated them. In my mind, I thought I will never let someone’s mistreatment or love they couldn’t reciprocate affect the way I love. But loving that way leads to a lot of pain I didn’t deserve.

And all they have to say is “just friends” to justify it.

They are under no obligation to you because they aren’t dating you. So they treat you how you let them, knowing very well you’ll never say something about it.

And it’s a silence that broke me every time. It was being unable to explain heartbreak because there wasn’t a label attached to everything I felt, so why should I be this upset? It’s the tears no one knew I was crying. It was the pain of looking at someone and being unable to formulate the words of I want to hate you but I love you more than anyone, even after everything you did to me.

That’s painful love in the cruelest form.

It’s the plans that got canceled last minute. It’s the event they swore they’d come to. It’s the birthday I was standing there alone and I didn’t get the only thing you wanted. It’s the excuses and the apologies and someone consistently falling short. But we were “just friends,” so it shouldn’t have hurt.

And in return for being selfless, you’re forced to hear things you don’t want to about people they are interested in, all the while you’re questioning yourself wondering what exactly falls short.

Strength towards them comes in the form of complete self-destruction because here you are holding onto someone who doesn’t respect how you feel.

If they did respect how you felt at all, they would never mention someone else. If they did respect how you felt, they wouldn’t use you every time someone else lets them down. If they did respect how you felt, they wouldn’t use you to fill some emotional void as they break your heart to fill the empty parts someone else left them with.

What you are doing is brave, kind, and beautiful. To love someone without having to make them yours doesn’t make you stupid or foolish.

You are so much stronger than anyone realizes. But you don’t have to be.

And I know everyone tells you different things. “Move on.” “Let go.” “You deserve more.” And in your heart, you know you deserve the same love you give this person. But there’s something about them you just struggle to walk away from.

There really is a love present even if it isn’t reciprocated. And sometimes we let the people we love get away with things others might not be able to.

But the love you deserve and pine after, won’t be one that leaves you empty. It won’t be one that uses you. It won’t be one that ignores your texts because they feel like it. Love will never call you a “friend” because anyone who truly loves you will want to be with you and want you to be theirs and no one else’s.

You don’t deserve I love you followed by but…

“But I need you.”

“But I’m not ready for someone like you.”

“But I don’t want to hurt you.”

“But I like having you as a friend.”

They like having you there. They like knowing they can turn to you. They like knowing someone cares when they don’t have to.

Everyone likes attention. But not everyone deserves yours.

When you choose to allow a friendship to continue when your heart is invested in someone, what you are really doing is devaluing yourself and what you deserve while prolonging getting it. 

I know you think you need this person. I know you think you love them. I know right now you can’t imagine your life without them. But maybe the reason you haven’t found love is because you are holding onto someone who is preventing you from finding it.

It hurts to let go. Trust me I know it does. But when holding on to someone hurts you the same way, why not try something different this time?

You deserve more than just being their friend. You deserve the type of love and affection that will heal the scars this person has caused.