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The Difference Between Depression & Sadness.

“I always get really worried when I get too happy because what follows is I get really sad after that,” I was 12 when I said this to my older sister.

“Well just choose to stay happy,” she replied. She was 15.

I didn’t realize then what I was describing was depression that would go undiagnosed for the next ten years.

I sat in an office on campus.

“This is what we’re dealing with,” I said to my counselor. “I don’t need some lesson in what depression is, I just need to know how to live with it.”

We spent the next year working together.

The thing about depression is, it’s not like something that consumes your life every day. It comes and goes. I can describe it only as a dark cloud that lingers. On your best day, it’s the tap on your shoulder reminding you it’s close by. On your worst day, it takes your hand and pulls you even deeper into this darkness I can’t explain to people. On those days, you don’t look like yourself. You don’t sound like yourself. The version of you on a depressing day is the version that scares you as well as everyone who cares about you.

“What does it feel like,” my mom asked me as I told her it was getting bad again.

“I feel nothing. I feel numb. I wake up and I want to go back to sleep. I wake up and there’s nothing in my day I’m looking forward to. I contemplate calling out of work because I just don’t care. I’m not hungry, even when I can’t remember the last time I ate. My weight drops. I don’t want to get ready. I don’t want to shower. I just want to lay there.”

Tears well up behind my eyes because I’m overcome with two feelings when I try to explain it to her. First is sadness because even finding the words to try to describe what a bad day might look like, doesn’t do justice to how I feel and the horrible places I take myself. Then I’m overcome with guilt because I know she worries.

Everyone has bad days. But depression is a series of really bad days where you just want to completely break down and cry because you didn’t ask for this. And when depression wraps its arms around you, the only way to get out of it is to feel through these really deep and dark and ugly emotions you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy.

But that’s the thing that makes people with depression kind of special. Since they know what it’s like to be their own worst enemy, since they know what it’s like to fight back, since they’ve seen and felt all these heavy things, their response to it is to not project those emotions out into the world. But rather the opposite.

People who suffer from depression are the kindest ones you’ll ever meet. They look at the world not through negative lenses and how bad it is, they already know that. But they look at the world and every individual in it with compassion and understanding that few know.

Depression isn’t that stereotype we grew up thinking about. It isn’t the loner. It isn’t the person who is mean or the bully. It isn’t the person wearing all black.

The most depressed person in the room a lot of time are the ones who appear the happiest and the kindest. It’s the person who watches you closely and notices when you aren’t acting the way you usually are. It’s the person who pulls you aside and asks if you want to talk about it. Knowing depression makes you want to be the light in other people’s lives, even when you can’t figure out how to see the light in your own life.

Depression is that effort you have to make to be positive and being jealous of those people it comes naturally to.

Depression is the one telling jokes and making everyone laugh because you know what real unhappiness is, so you choose something different.

Depression is the hardest working person in the entire room because that job, whatever it is, gives them purpose. That job gives them a reason to keep going.

Depression is the best, hardest working, caring teammate, you’ll ever have because that sport is their outlet and when they are in the game and focusing on winning, that’s the closest they will ever come to knowing what it’s like to live without depression.

Depression is a strength you don’t see, and battles you don’t know someone is fighting. What you don’t see, is the pep talk they gave themselves to get up that day. What you do don’t see, is how there are some nights they are crying themselves to sleep and they don’t even know why.

Depression is hanging on to those blissful moments with the people you care most about and you look around taking it all in, appreciating everything. Because it’s those people and moments you’ll think of on a bad day.

Depression is feeling lonely, as you stare at your phone because in that filtered life everyone is projecting it seems like they have it figured out and they aren’t struggling. You want to be as happy as everyone seems to be, even though you know they might be pretending to.

But more than anything, depression is fighting back against every force that is trying really hard to take you down. You don’t let it.

You replace negativity with being the most positive person that people know.

You replace the lies you tell yourself with being honest with everyone.

You replace that mean voice inside your head with being the nicest person that people know, even if you haven’t figured out how to channel that into yourself.

You replace the bad relationship you have with yourself with really knowing what it takes to have a good one with others.

You replace judgment with compassion.

You replace feeling sorry for yourself and crying with the gratitude and appreciation for others.

You replace moments of hate within yourself with the love you feel deeply for everyone else.

Depression strives in turning everyone and everything black in its path but those who fight through depression, replaces that darkness with a light that touches everyone they come in contact with.


When They Ask If I Miss You.

When they ask me if I miss you, my first response is no.

I’ve moved on. I’ve learned to live my life without you. It doesn’t pain me waking up anymore. My head doesn’t jolt in whatever direction of someone saying your name.

I don’t miss you.

I did.

I learned what missing someone was like and how it could hurt to a point where you become a version of yourself you don’t even recognize. I learned what it truly felt like to watch someone fall out of love with you. It’s this helpless feeling and you completely lack the understanding of how it happened or what you did to deserve that. I learned what rock bottom actually felt like. I learned very quickly how none of us are immune to depression if love is in the picture. And how it’s almost normal to feel those things so heavily when a relationship ends.

I learned what it was like to lose yourself to someone else.

I learned what it was like to try a little too hard.

I learned about compromising my self-respect trying to get someone to stay.

Like my role was to convince another person that I was worth it.

It was in those moments of such despair that I learned about who I wanted to be rather than who I was.

So when people ask do I miss you, I say no.

Because I don’t miss the person either of us became at the end of it.

The part of you I miss, was the version of who you were when you loved me.

The part of you I miss, is the life we had together.

The part of you I miss, was waking up every day like you were the best thing to have happened to me.

There are parts of you and me I miss. And as much as I would love to say I wish things didn’t play out like they did, that’d be dishonest too. Because it was in losing you I found myself again. And it wasn’t even finding myself, but rather having to learn what it was like to be my own person without feeling like an extension of someone else.

Do I miss you? There are some days, but something I’ve come to learn is mourning a past relationship or mourning who two people used to be will never change them from who they are now to who you wish they were.

If a relationship outgrows you or you outgrow it, you’ll find how fast you ruin yourself trying to fit the mold of who you each used to be.

It’s not easy to just move on. Feelings of pain and heartbreak are completely justifiable, but you should know outgrowing a relationship or getting hurt watching someone outgrow you, isn’t the end.

It’s the start of finding someone even better.

Sometimes the people we love and care about, the ones we might have thought could have been the one was really a stop along the way to someone better.

It’s impossible to see that in the beginning. But the love you deserve isn’t one that will hurt you, then return, realizing the mistake. The love you deserve won’t have to make that mistake in the first place.


40 Things You Can Still Do To Make The End Of 2019 The Best Yet.

1. Quit anything that isn’t making you fully happy. — You have this ability to change any part of your life you want. If you aren’t changing what isn’t making you happy, that’s on you and no one else.

2. Go after what will. — It’s scary going after things you want, but what’s scarier is not even trying it.

3. There is still time to meet that resolution. — Stop thinking you have to wait until Monday or the next month or the next year. Start right now with whatever your goal was and still try to get there.

4. There is still time to stop caring about what people think. — I care a lot about what people think of me. I care a lot about my reputation. But making other people happy won’t make you happy.

5. Learn to let go of the things you can’t control. — I’m also a control freak. But there are factors in my life that aren’t within my control. Someone’s emotional response to things I can’t choose. All any of us can do is try our best.

6. Welcome the things you can. —
Understand the difference between the things you can control and the things you wish you could control.

7. Stop blaming everyone else for your problems. — You get to a point where you can no longer blame your parents or your exes. Your life is in your hands and no one else’s.

8. Be sure the story you’re telling yourself is one you’re proud of. — The things you say to yourself matter.

9. Learn to let go of the people who are bringing you down. — If someone is not pushing you forward and just taking up space, learn to let them go. It doesn’t need to be an ugly falling out but understand when neither of you are benefiting from a relationship.

10. Learn to appreciate the people who make you feel better. — How we feel around certain people is so important. Valuing and appreciating those people is key.

11. Learn to say no. — Any choice you make you don’t have to justify it.

12. Learn to ask for what you want without explaining why you want it. — If you want something even it’s something crazy or different, go for it.

13. Forgive yourself. —– We all mess up and do things we aren’t proud of, but what’s important is how we learn and how we grow from that.

14. Step towards the things you’re afraid of. — If something scares you, go for it.

15. Stop making excuses. — If you want anything that badly, you will make it happen.

16. Stop hating yourself. — There are enough people in your life that aren’t going to like you, learn to like yourself and you’ll begin to not even realize who those people are.

17. Realize whose voice it criticizing you. — The lies we tell ourselves isn’t always our voice. When you say, “I’m fat.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m not good enough.” Realize if you’re mimicking someone else’s voice and you took it on as your own. Most of the things we don’t like about ourselves are the things people told us we should be critical of.

18. Learn to speak to yourself more kindly. — Listen to the way you talk to yourself and alter it if it’s mean.

19. Realize what and who is important and invest time and energy into that.

20. Learn to listen a little more. — You’ll learn more by listening than you ever will speaking.

21. Work on trying to be a better overall person. — Don’t make your number one focus on how much weight you want to lose. Worry about who you are as a person first. Then focus on the other stuff.

22. Don’t be so hard on yourself. — It’s good to hold yourself accountable for things but you as much as anyone else, deserves forgiveness.

23. Do something for someone else that will make you feel better. — Charity. Volunteering time not money. What you put into something is what you get out of it.

24. Fix the relationship you have with yourself before trying to fix your relationship status. —
We all want someone to want us but you gotta start by wanting yourself.

25. Set realistic goals for yourself.

26. If you aren’t achieving them take a step back and ask why? — Sometimes we want to run but we don’t realize you gotta walk first.

27. Reflect on the past year and think of your biggest mistake…what did you learn?

28. Try and recognize if you’re chasing happiness. — The newest iPhone won’t make you happy. The highest number of likes won’t. Saying you’ll be happy when you will leave forever chasing something you’ll never catch with that mindset.

29. Be honest. In a world where everyone lies…don’t.

30. Learn to let go of jealousy and anger. — Jealousy and anger are wasted emotions hiding what you actually feel either about a person or about yourself.

31. Learn to let go of your past. — Stop letting your past control your present.

32. If you don’t like something, change it.

33. If you can’t change it, learn to live with it.

34. Stop trying to obtain perfection. — Being perfect won’t make you happy. Because striving for perfection will kill you.

35. Forgive others. — As angry as you might be at someone, understand anger is really masked pain and disappointment because you expected more.

36. Then learn to forgive yourself. — Dwelling in the past won’t change what happened.

37. Stop trying to keep up with others. — Everyone is on a different path and if you keep chasing after the things or the life you think you’re supposed to have just because it seems everyone else does, you’ll lose yourself and not even know what you’re chasing.

38. Start now.

39. Make it to New Years and realize you don’t have resolutions.

40. Start 2020 already ahead.


Wait For The Person…

Wait for the person who will love you through every bad mood.

The person who can change whatever type of day you are having.

Wait for the person who won’t judge you for crying.

But instead, wipe your tears and make you smile again.

Wait for the person who only makes you cry because you’re laughing so hard.

The one who watches you so closely they can tell when something is off.

Wait for the person who can see you hit rock bottom and doesn’t leave you there.

The one who picks you up when you fall, or just sits there until you’re ready to try again.

Wait for someone who is the strength on days you are weak.

The faith on days you’re hopeless.

The belief on days you doubt others or doubt yourself.

The love when you fear it.

The patience when you want to rush.

The kindest part of your day when no one else was.

Wait for the person who brings out the best in you.

Pushing you to achieve more.

Wait for the person who listens when you tell them the worst thing that’s ever happened.

The one who isn’t afraid that you have scars.

The one who appreciates who you became because of it.

Wait for the person who helps you to become your best.

But doesn’t fear you at your worst.

Wait for the person who loves when you’re drunk, and you’re the version of yourself neither of you knows.

And instead of judging you for it, they take care of you. Help you. Forgive you.

They like you even when you don’t like yourself.

Wait for the person who makes you grateful it didn’t work out with the person you thought was the love of your life.

The one who teaches you about healing and forgiveness.

Because they’d rather fight with you than ever let you walk away.

Wait for the person who teaches you, you can trust someone other than yourself.

Wait for the person who not only believes in your dreams, but wants to help be a part of the success story.

The one who is always in your corner and has your back.

Wait for the person who wants to learn with you.

The one who wants to learn from you.

The one who helps you to become better.

Wait for the person you’re really proud to introduce to your parents and your friends.

The one who doesn’t make you afraid of milestones that you look forward to wanting to achieve them.

Wait for the person who will love you through your insecurities to a point where you look in the mirror and they aren’t the first things you see anymore.

The one who pulls you in close even when you push them away.

Because they know you’re worth it.

Wait for the person who doesn’t walk away when you might be confused or hurting, but helps you through figuring it out.

Whatever that it is.

Wait for the person who is going to love you the best way they know how.

The person who will love you harder than they’ve ever loved anyone else.

Wait for the person who sees you at your worst and chooses to stay.


Getting Over A Relationship You Were Never in.

If you never dated, getting over them should be easy right?

If you never had a label, then it was never actually real and if it wasn’t real, it shouldn’t hurt right?

If you never slept with them you shouldn’t be so emotionally connected right?

Anyone who tells you your feelings and the pain that weighs heavy isn’t justified, doesn’t know relationships today or love at all.

They think you’re choosing the wrong person, but you’re not.

If love was actually a choice we’d all fall for the right people who give us what we deserve and we’d all be happy choosing love. But love chooses us and you can either fight that denying how you feel about individuals or let it take you however way it wants to. Driving you both crazy and somehow keeping you sane all at the same time.

Almost-relationships aren’t just defined by someone not feeling the same way, but rather someone not being able to be what you need physically or emotionally.

Every time you hook up and you’re lying there next to them, you wish you could just stay there in that moment where they seem to care. But they come up with every reason this can’t be a thing. And you take what you get from them realizing it may not be what you need, but they are someone you so desperately want, any standard you might have with other people doesn’t apply to them.

There are rules we follow when it comes to dating, then there are certain people who break them for us. Certain people, we’ve implemented rules because of. Certain people who have us wrapped around their finger. They come so close to being what we need, but in our hearts we know it’s never going to happen. Sometimes it takes your heart a little longer to catch up with your head.

Maybe it’s a relationship that’s just emotional.

Emotional relationships are the toughest ones to get over because you can’t identify that clearly if this person is leading you on. We all know having sex with someone consistently and not committing is wrong. We all can point at that and say that’s fucked up they keep doing that. And we hate ourselves that we keep allowing it.

But with emotional relationships and those grey lines are even more confusing because there is nothing to point at when someone keeps erasing and redrawing what type of game this is you’re even playing.

Because here is someone who makes up every part of a relationship you would want. They provide emotional support when you need it, they talk to you every day, they make you laugh harder than anyone, they breakthrough your walls and you truly get to know who they are, what they stand for and next thing you know, you’ve fallen for this person only nothing physical has even happened. And neither of you have had the conversation of is this going anywhere? Because for some reason or another, you each know it won’t but that doesn’t change how one person feels. It’s just this really deep emotional connection that is impossible to hide.

Emotionally leading someone on and falling for them because they did that doesn’t make you seem crazy.

We are a generation of people playing this game of emotional or physical attachment but fearing commitment and running the other way when someone comes on too strong. We claim we want love, but we’ve lost sight of what it actually means.

So instead, we grow emotionally attached to people and have to put on a poker face when they hurt us or pull away or just drop off the face of the earth. They can and they do. And they don’t owe you an explanation because you aren’t actually dating.

We shouldn’t call them almost relationships because this has turned into what normal dating actually is.

Then we wonder why we are so paranoid and don’t trust people. We don’t trust people because they teach us that we can’t trust ourselves with the things we feel. Because everything we’ve felt in the past, led us to dead ends.

We’ve replaced caring with pretending we don’t.

We’ve replaced love with fear.

We replaced starting relationships with who can be the first to end it.

And we’ve replaced allowing yourself to get over someone and heal with finding someone new at the swipe of your finger.

This has become dating today.

When you have a lot of relationships that just linger and fade out, there is no real ending.

When you date someone, there is a clear start and end point.

When you have a physical or emotional almost relationship with someone, you don’t get closure. All you get is someone walking away with everything you felt not being able to have reciprocated it.

And every time you see each other again, those feelings don’t just go away, they resurface and you think maybe this time it’ll be different. Maybe someone changed. But you just run in these circles that exhaust you, but you can’t stop it either.

They don’t like us enough to commit, but they don’t want to let go of us either. So we stay in this limbo.

The hardest part about healing the relationships we weren’t even in is, we have to do it quietly and alone because we feel like complete fools for falling so hard, knowing we shouldn’t have in the first place.

Most almost relationships just fizzle out taking with them as they leave, the best parts of us and everything we were willing to do for someone who couldn’t do the same. And we are left not sure where to go from there or what we can even offer someone new.

We move on yearning what never was but loving them like all of it was so real. Because it was real to us.

But what you come to learn in time is, you meet someone new and even though it doesn’t feel like you have it in you to give 110%, they don’t ask that of you. The right person who comes into your life after these hard relationships that weren’t actual ones teaches you all you ever had to do was give 50%, and they’ll take care of the rest.


Trying To Move On.

Because I’m still trying to figure out
how to keep you in my life
and I hope you just leave my heart.

And every time I say your name
It tastes bitter rolling off my tongue
because I keep having to pretend,
I don’t feel these things.

And with every move, I make
every time I let go.
You are right there
watching me.

I realize it isn’t just me holding onto this
because every time I try and let go,
your hand is the one holding mine for dear life.

You don’t want me enough to make yours
but you won’t let me leave either.

Maybe we are as good for each other as I think
Maybe you’re starting to realize it too.

Just when I think I’ve moved on,
your name appears.

Just when I accept you don’t care
you say something sweet
and we are back to where we started
running in circles I swear I’m tired of

But the truth is, you’d be the last thing I’d ever quit.