When I meet the right person I don’t want everyone to know about it at first.

I want it to be a part of my life I can quietly tuck away. A part of my life people don’t have to know about. The part of my life I can just have all my own.

I don’t care about being Instagram or Facebook official as long as we are our own definition of what is real.

I don’t need flowers sent to my office that I Snapchat immediately, showing everyone what a good boyfriend he is.

I just need to know he’s good to me and treats me well.

I don’t care if we follow each other on anything at all. Because I won’t need to like something to show I support him and all he does.

I don’t need him to comment on pictures I do post telling me I’m beautiful if that’s something he’s saying every day.

Needing validation through social media shows an insecurity within myself and my relationship.

I don’t need to be texting him every minute of every day. I just need to be confident enough in him and us to know that I’m the only one he wants.

I don’t need a woman crush Wednesday (WCW) to tell me he cares.

I don’t want social media to tell me what my relationship is.

I don’t need others to define it.

I just need to know it’s real for me.

I don’t need to go pumpkin picking and take some basic picture when honestly I hate pumpkins.

I don’t need some picture by a tree in New York that will take up another picture in someone’s newsfeed.

I don’t want to be those people.

I don’t need some kiss at midnight to prove that the person standing next to me is the one I might want the rest of the year.

I just need their time. I need their attention. I need their effort.

I don’t need some social media accessory to get a few more likes because the memories that matter most are the ones undocumented.

Those times where it’s late at night and I’m telling him things I haven’t even said out loud.

Those times where I love you slips out of my mouth and before I can take it back, it’s his to have however he wants it.

Those times when shit hits the fan and he’s the only one who can make it better as I fall apart in his arms.

Those times when I wake up in the darkness and his hand is the one I reach for.

Those times where I wake up late and there’s a note with some inside joke.

Those times where I nervously bring someone home for the first time because I haven’t done that. And he reaches for me telling me it’s okay.

Those times where he can read my body language and knows exactly what to say or do.

When the relationship is real, I don’t need some filtered version of how it appears to be.

I don’t need relationship goals or a series of pictures taking everyone along with us. I just need someone real. I need someone honest. I need something raw.

I need to know love is more than what we’ve made it out to be in a generation where the goal is to be in a relationship.

My only goal is to be in the right relationship. A relationship that makes me better. A relationship that makes me more honest. A relationship that pushes me to become the best version of myself.

And when people look at me and say I’ve changed, the only relationship goal I need, is someone who has made me change for the better.


The Best Girlfriends, Are The Ones Who Are Single.

When you’ve been single for a long period of time, that’s not what scares you. You might make the ‘I’m single’ jokes but in your heart you know that’s not going to be the case forever. Sometimes you get frustrated when another prospect doesn’t work out, sometimes you look at yourself and wonder is it something you’re doing? But you hold onto both patience and faith that your relationship status will change.

But it’s isn’t your priority. In fact, you’ve never understood people who couldn’t do the solo thing. You watch friends relationship hop and you think the only thing worse than a long period of being single, is that. Needing someone and not knowing what it’s like to be alone. That’s what you fear.

You fear someone robbing you of your independence. You fear a relationship taking over your life. You fear watching your other relationships dwindle. Because when you’ve been single for a long period of time, you don’t focus on some status, you focus on the relationships you do have in your life. The idea of losing those people isn’t something you could even bare.

But that’s why people who have been single for long periods of time end up in the best relationships.

They don’t need someone to be happy—

They don’t rely on someone else for their happiness, they know that’s something they have to find themselves.

They only enter relationships when they have something to bring to the table—

The people who are best in relationships are the ones who enter a relationship when they are ready, not when they are lonely. They know the best relationships aren’t the ones that consume you, but rather the ones where you each bring something unique to one another’s lives.

They aren’t clingy—

If clinging to the wrong people in the past and trying to force relationships that were never going to be one, taught them anything it’s that you have to give people breathing room. We think that the girls who are single have some flaw or there is something wrong with them, but that isn’t always the case.

They are honest—-

Being blunt and saying things like it is, is what they are best at. Girls who have been single for long periods of time have smoke blown so far up their ass, they almost have to come out of it laughing. (Well because they spent enough time crying.) They know what it’s like to be lied to and deceived and told everything you want to hear. Because of that, they didn’t turn cold, they became smart. They learned to believe what people do, not what they say. They’ve learned to be honest. These girls will never lie to you. They will never lead you on. They will never keep you in the dark. Solely because they know what it’s like to be there and they never want to make someone feel that way.

Unlike a lot of girls who want you to guess what’s wrong. They don’t play that game. They tell you what’s wrong, they want to work with you through it. In their past, guys have walked away at the first sign of something going wrong. But with them, they fight for you. They fight for the relationship. They believe in fixing things, not giving up on them.

They give you space because they need their own—

When she’s been single for a long period of time, relationships don’t automatically come to the top of her priority list. While it’s a priority, she doesn’t abandon everything else that was a priority before. Girls who have been single for a while, learn about independence. They learn to enjoy doing things on their own. They learn to walk into a room confidently without holding someone else’s hand. They are strong. They are independent. They don’t need anyone, so when they choose to be with someone, understand it isn’t because they need you it’s because they want you.

They know the difference between wants and needs—

This is important because understanding the difference between someone who is actually good for you and someone you want to be good for you is vital. These girls have given themselves completely to wrong people who didn’t deserve it. They’ve given their all to people who haven’t even met them halfway. They look at relationships not in hopes of filling some void, but rather who can add more to my life than I can add to my own.

They learn not to settle—

Girls who have been single for a while learned the hard way about settling. At one time maybe they chose the wrong people, people who gave them bits and scraps of what was left, while they invested their heart fully. From there, they learned. They learned about their expectations and if someone doesn’t meet them, it isn’t their job to prove they deserve his best. They simply move on to someone worthy and appreciative of it.

They learned to play smart—

Girls who have been single for a long period of time pride themselves on not playing games or messing with people’s emotions. But they also learn if everyone else is playing this game and they keep getting hurt playing by their own rules, they learn both the ins and outs of what is dating today. They hold true to their values and standards. They aren’t playing hard to get, they learn to walk around with a chip on their shoulder and standards so high that the person either steps up or they walk away.

They don’t fall fast or hard—

Everyone has this assumption the second you give attention to the girl who hasn’t been in a relationship, she’s suddenly gonna just fall for the first person who makes a pass at her. That’s not the case. She might have been too trusting in the past with whom she gave her heart too, but she learned to take things slow. Earn someone’s trust. Let them prove they deserve your best before putting those cards on the table. In the past, these girls might have overcompensated, but it was through that they learned. They learned they are enough. They’ve always been enough.

They are loyal—

Once you do get them in a relationship you don’t have to worry. Being single for a while makes them value you and the relationship more than anything. They value you. They respect you. Because it isn’t that no one wanted them, but rather it took a while to find the right person. Being single, they learned to be really selective and in that time, they established standards for themselves through every person in the past who fell short.

They won’t hold back loving you—

When someone has been single for a while they have all this good to give to someone who deserves it. In the past, they always gave their best to the wrong people. But finding the right person not only enhances their good qualities, it shows them they weren’t doing it wrong this whole time. 

Because girls who have been single for a while might be bad at getting to a relationship, but they are good at keeping them once they get there.

And when you don’t have something you learn to appreciate finally getting it.


Closing The Chapter That Was Us.

So this is me closing a chapter of us.

And I’m sure you can feel it too.

It’s like we are talking, but no one is actually saying anything or saying what needs to be said.

It’s like we are going through the motions like we are supposed to, but everything is different.

We look the same. But what’s changed is us and who we’ve become in all this.

And I hate saying goodbye. Goodbye is supposed to be a word exchanged for anyone but us, so why is that the only word that fits right now? Goodbye is a word for strangers, but that’s kind of what it feels like we’ve become lately.

I don’t want to let go, but I can’t keep holding onto what isn’t anymore.

When I say I love you, I mean it.

When I hug you and I want to hold on a bit tighter and not let go.

Everything about us has become so comfortable. Maybe too comfortable.

How is it that people who were once so good for each other suddenly aren’t? Because when we fight, it’s about little things that don’t matter. Things that used to not bother me suddenly do. Things I used to look past suddenly I can’t shake anymore.

And if this is what falling out of love feels like, it hurts like hell to look back at where we were and where we thought we were going only to discover sometimes it’s best to just walk away.

I don’t know what a life without out you would even look like or feel like. But I do know this might be better for both of us.

What hurts isn’t goodbye or that final kiss, it’s everything after I know will bring me to my knees.

It’s staring at my phone waiting to hear from you, but knowing I won’t. It’s waking up in a bed that you used to sleep in and I have to get comfortably numb getting used to sleeping alone. It’s looking for you in a crowd of every place we used to go remembering how you used to take my hand and no one else mattered. It’s looking back at pictures where everything in those moments were perfect.

I can’t explain when or why or who changed exactly. But maybe it was both of us. Maybe we outgrew each other.

When I say I love you, I want you to know I mean it. Or rather meant it at one time. I don’t want to say words because we are supposed to or do things because that’s how we’ve always done them.

I want to know what it’s like to look in someone’s eyes and feel something again.

I want to know what it’s like to kiss someone and feel it on every inch of my body.

I want to know what it’s like to be next to someone and not have them feel like a stranger.

But that’s what we’ve become, ghosts in each other’s pasts afraid to let go, but being struck with the reality there’s nothing left to hold onto anymore.

So I’ll say it one more time for old times sake.

I love you. I think part of me always will.

I’ll say it because I mean it.

I’ll miss you.

And I’ll end it with a final few words.

Thank you.

Because I look at myself in the mirror, and I’m always going to see pieces of you there looking back at me. You made me who I am.

Forgiving Yourself & Trusting After A Toxic Relationship.

Toxic relationships aren’t something that just happens. Most of the time it starts off like any healthy relationship. But over time the combination of you two becomes toxic. Suddenly you end up in this emotionally abusive relationship where you don’t even realize the damage that’s been done simply because the damage occurred over a period of time. When one is in a toxic relationship, you don’t see how bad it is. You don’t see how much it hurts. You grow numb to the pain. You dismiss the bad parts while clinging to the good parts that act as a highlight reel.

You think it’s love but what it really is, is loving half of one person while being in denial of the toxic parts of them that project onto you. Whatever it is, they take it out on you. You’ve become an easy target because you forgive easily. You don’t take it too personally. But the emotional toll it has on someone to constantly be treated poorly, impacts every relationship you have afterward.

To end a toxic relationship is hard in itself, but to recover from one is where the real challenge begins.

You suddenly become skeptical of everyone. Someone shows you their best and you expect the worst. You enter every relationship not just lacking trust within another, but you don’t even trust yourself anymore.

You associate relationships with control and not something mutual where you meet halfway.

You think your best isn’t good enough because every time before this person looked for any mistake you made, any excuse to lose it on you, any reason to go after you, and they did.

You learned to tip toe and walk on eggshells because you never knew when they’d lose it.

And maybe it wasn’t physical abuse, but emotional abuse does just as much if not worse damage.

When you mess with someone’s head and you blame them for everything suddenly they second themselves, suddenly they question their choices, suddenly they doubt themselves and they seek the approval of those around them.

Overthinking. Overtrying. So much effort towards someone who doesn’t deserve it. But you don’t see it that way. What you learn to is, you see yourself through their eyes.

And along with them picking you apart, they groom you so much that the things they used to say to you, you’re now saying to yourself. A negative stream of blows they turn into self-destruction.

They are constantly striving to be good enough but when your best was never enough, you learned to point at yourself and not the other.

Because in toxic relationships, you learned kindness came with strings attached. Favors came with ownership. Gifts were used for blackmail and manipulation.

Toxic relationships are more about what you do to boost someone else’s ego or how you make someone else look. You are never your own person but rather an extension of someone else. Through that, you fail learning your own identity thinking all you are good for is what you can do for someone else. Your own self-worth begins to be defined by someone else and through someone else’s eyes.

Then you begin to believe everything they say. They manipulate you so much even if you did pull away or leave, they don’t even have to say anything to get you to come back. You do so on your own.

Toxic relationships are just running in these circles that never really end. Your emotions are some game to them. And how you react, gives them this high because they have this influence on you.

You never really feel free from someone toxic because even when you walk away, they hold you without touch. They’ve conditioned you and impact you even in their absence.

You look at yourself and see them.

So even after goodbye, they are a ghost that haunts and turns you into your own worst enemy.

Walking away isn’t the hardest part it’s, reteaching yourself what you deserve in a relationship.

It’s learning to forgive someone who will never say sorry, but also learning to forgive yourself for letting the relationship linger.

It’s learning who you are at your worst and making a choice to never be that weak or vulnerable again and allow someone to control you like they did.

It’s repeating over and over again good things about yourself, when the voice that’s on repeat, says something negative. It’s being able to distinguish whose voice that really is.

Toxic relationships teach you what love actually is and what it isn’t.

Love isn’t control. Love isn’t manipulation. Love isn’t blackmail. Love is not being someone’s property. Love is not taking all the blame. Love is not being someone’s punching bag. Love is not circles you run in. Love is not liking only half of one person and tolerating the bad sides of who you are. Love does not criticize you. Love does tear you down to build themselves up. Love does not need I’m sorry, I still love you after tearing you apart.

You learn about the love you want. You learn about the love you need. You learn that this will never happen again.

Toxic relationships destroy you from the inside out, but a toxic relationship doesn’t mean that’s all that’s in store for you.

Healing from toxic relationships starts with taking responsibility for your own actions, but also understanding you aren’t responsible for someone else’s.

It’s not your fault.

When you realize that your relationships change.

You’ll meet someone good, kind, and genuine, you might not believe it at first, but there’s something about the person who pulls you in when you are afraid to get close to anyone, there’s something about the person who teaches you you didn’t deserve any of this and I’m going to be the exception.


Letter To My Best Friend. This Is What You Deserve…

If you ever forget what you deserve, I’ll be here to remind you. I’ll be here to pick you up every time you fall. I’ll keep watching as you give the best you have of yourself to people not worthy and I’ll always be the arms you can run to. I’ll be the one wiping your tears when you think it’s you who is flawed or not good enough. I’ll continue to remind you how beautiful you are. How special you are. How it takes a rare person to see that. Appreciate it. And be what you need.

I’ll never stop reminding you of these few things.

You deserve someone who never stops choosing you and only you.

You deserve a love that heals you.

A love that keeps every secret you tell.

But doesn’t keep you a secret.

You deserve someone who doesn’t try and change you but shows you, you’re enough.

Because you’ve always been enough.

You deserve someone who realizes they are the lucky one.

Someone who never stops trying to prove they are the one who deserves you.

You deserve someone looking at you and seeing a future ridding you of heartbreak in the past.

You deserve someone who truly thinks you are the most beautiful girl there is.

Because you are.

Someone who never stops respecting you.

You deserve every door to be open.

You deserve every chair to be pulled out.

You deserve someone who is willing to pay.

Because they know it’s not about money, but rather what one is willing to invest in you.

You deserve someone who takes your hand and wants to show you off to everyone.

You deserve someone who is proud to stand next to you.

Someone who will proudly introduce you to his parents.

You deserve someone whose friends already know you.

Because he can’t stop talking about you.

He can’t stop thinking about you.

You deserve someone who surprises you.

Someone who wants to keep things exciting.

Who never stops trying to make you smile.

You deserve someone who takes the time to learn you.

Learn why you are the way you are.

Someone who wants to learn about your past so they don’t repeat it.

You deserve someone who remembers every little thing.

Someone who takes the time to learn you.

You deserve someone who makes you laugh so hard it hurts.

Someone who truly makes you the happiest best version of yourself.

You deserve someone who texts you first.

Someone who makes plans that he keeps.

And not someone who is good at making excuses and lying.

You deserve to be treated well all the time.

But there are the things you don’t deserve that I know you’ve tolerated in the past.

You don’t deserve someone messing with your head because they are uncertain of themselves.

You don’t deserve to wait because he keeps saying one day.

You don’t deserve someone who comes and goes as he pleases.

You don’t deserve someone ignoring your texts then liking your last post or viewing your story.

You don’t deserve someone taking advantage of your kindness.

Someone taking you for granted.

Someone taking all you have to give and not returning it.

Someone who looks at your beauty only on the outside.

You don’t deserve to give your heart away to someone who is unsure.

You don’t deserve to be their last call.

The morning with a headache as they wonder how this happened.

You don’t deserve someone asking you to leave after the fact.

You don’t deserve to stare at your phone for hours.

Analyzing if you said something wrong.

Because you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s them who isn’t right.

You don’t deserve to wonder if he’s talking to other girls.

You don’t deserve to feel like you’re in some competition you’re losing.

You don’t deserve to be in limbo about how someone feels about you.

You don’t deserve to have a relationship that looks and feels like one, but he won’t call you his girlfriend.

You deserve something so much more than sex.

You deserve something so much more than emotionally being what he needs.

You don’t deserve a love that doesn’t love you back.

It’s hard sometimes to watch you with these people and know you’re settling. It’s hard to not hate them. It hurts me that you are choosing someone when you deserve better and deserve more. Sometimes I wish you saw yourself through my eyes. If you did, you’d realize how truly incredible you are.

It’s my job as your best friend to say those things, but I won’t sit back and watch you end up with someone who isn’t worthy of you.

I know what you deserve. And I think you know it too. But I’ll never stop reminding you. I’ll never leave your side. And until I’m standing next to you on your wedding day, I won’t give you away until it’s with someone who deserves you. Because you are the best, smartest, kindest, most beautiful person I know and one day, you’ll see that too. But until then, I’ll keep holding your hand until we get there.


I’m Slowly Learning To Be Happy.

To take steps forward even if that means some back.

I’m slowly learning mistakes don’t have to define me if I choose to learn the lesson in them.

I’m slowly learning to fall with a little bit of grace and feel no shame in asking for help.

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the things I can’t change. The things I don’t do well. The moments I need to stop and slow down.

I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for the people I might have hurt. The people who might have deserved better but in those moments, I was still learning.

I’m slowly learning it’s okay not be liked, but that shouldn’t dictate how I feel about myself.

I’m slowly learning it’s okay to not be perfect. And in striving for unrealistic expectations, I’ve looked past anyone who has ever told me I wasn’t good enough.

I’m slowly learning to appreciate everything. That includes everyone past and present.

To say thank you a little more. Even if it’s under my breath.

Thank you to the people who have forgiven me.

Thank you to the people who helped me to learn.

Thank you to the people who have made me smile and have seen me at my worst.

Thank you to the people who have given me their time. Given me their attention. Trusted me with their secrets. And given me someone to turn to.

The people who continue to choose to want to be in my life and let me be a part of theirs.

I’m slowly learning appreciation isn’t being grateful for getting what you want, but learning that what you already have, whether it’s people or things, deserve some acknowledgment.

I’m slowly learning that happiness has so much more to do with how I perceive the things in my life than it does finally getting somewhere or getting something.


You’ll Regret It, If You Hurt Her.

Know she thought you were different.
She thought you were one of the good ones.
She thought she could trust you.

So as apprehensive as she was, she took one step forward.
Then two.
Watching her back with every move.
Carefully analyzing everything.

Caught somewhere between her heart and head.
She had to repeat over and over again.
Don’t fall too fast because he might not catch you.

Before you lead her on, know this.

Know how many guys did before you.
Know whatever she might have given you, was her best
Regardless of how she got hurt.

Know that when you told her everything she wanted to hear.
She believed you.
And she was honest.

Before you text her when you’re bored, know this.

Know she’s happy to hear from you.
In fact, it probably made her day.

When she’s asking you questions and keeping the conversation going,
She’s remembering the little things you say.

And she might answer too quickly.
Or care too much.
But it’s a flaw in you for not seeing that as her strength.

Before you cancel on her last-minute, know this.

She’s probably already dressed and ready.
She’s probably been looking forward to this all week.

She’s probably reminded herself don’t get your hopes up yet.
Just in case.

But hoping you might surprise her.

Before you make up some excuse, know this.

She’ll believe your excuses because she wants to be right about you.
She’ll give you a second chance to prove maybe you’re worth it.
She wants you to be worth it.

She’ll say it’s okay, when you say I’m sorry.
But what she isn’t saying is, I’ve heard this before.
I’ve seen this play out.

Before you ignore her, know this.

Remember how she never ignored you.
Even when she was busy.

She’ll stare at her phone every few seconds.
Wondering what she might have said or done wrong.
She’ll contemplate sending another text, even though she won’t.
She’ll try and keep busy just to keep her mind off it.
But it’s consuming her.

Because when the only attention that matters
is from the person you’re not getting it from,
it sucks.

Before you use her just for sex, know this.

So many guys have before you.
And when you’re done she’ll lay there hoping this time it’s different.
Hoping maybe this time it’s more.
Hoping that when she leaves, she’ll hear from you again.
But she won’t expect to.

Before you ruin her day, know this.

Whatever bomb it is you’re going to drop on her, she doesn’t deserve it.

Know she’s going to reread what you said over and over again.
Holding back tears.
She’s going to analyze it to the core trying to see where you came from.
She’s going to talk to her friends and feel horrible for days.
She’s going to blame herself.
She’s going to say sorry.
She’s going to try to make it right.

Without realizing at first you were wrong, not her.

Before you end it, know this.

If you end it with an explanation.
Or not explaining yourself at all.
Whether you tell her to her face or not.

She’s not going to hate you for it.
She’s not going to say anything mean back.
Even if you deserve it.
But she’ll accept it.

And in time, she will get over it.
She might crawl up into a ball and cry.
But she will get over it.

She might hold back tears at work
Pretending things are fine when they aren’t.
But she will get over it.

She might turn red when you run into each other.
Trying to play it cool.
But she will get over it.

She might want to text you.
But that feeling she’ll let pass.
And she will get over it.

And she might want an explanation.
But she knows sometimes even when you deserve it.
She won’t get that or the closure she needs.

Before you decide you made a mistake, know this.

When you decide enough time has passed and she might have forgotten.
Know she hasn’t.

When you’re bored and alone and you miss her.
Wondering if she feels the same way.
She might have at one point.
But she doesn’t anymore.

When you run into her and she looks prettier and happier.
And you suddenly want her.

When you meet someone else and you look at them and see her.
Realizing how different she was.
Don’t tell her that.

And when you get drunk and you draft a text and contemplate sending it.

Because you left her analyzing every mistake she could have made.
Only to realize she really didn’t do anything wrong other than care.

You’re the one who made the mistake, not her.

And she’s going to walk away not remembering you at all.
Just add your name to another list of people who wronged her.
But remember how you were exactly like everyone else.
And she was made the fool for thinking you were different.