Open Topic

My Toxic Dad.

I am staring at this title, and I can’t connect the word ‘toxic’ with the word ‘dad’.

No matter how much I try, I can’t believe that a father can be toxic to his child. But the longer I think about it, the more I start having flashbacks of my childhood.

And in the blink of an eye, I can feel anger captivating my entire body. I can feel myself start to shake and tears start running down my checks.

The reality hits me with an unbelievable truth—I have a toxic father!

And while I think about it, I see myself trying to run away from that thought. But you can’t run away from reality, right?

You can’t run away from something that hurt you so much that even if you are an adult, you still feel the consequences.

Do you see what you have done to me dad?

Don’t you feel sorry for neglecting me?

Don’t you feel sorry for not giving me the love I craved when I was a little girl?

Dad, don’t you see that because of you, I am emotionally unavailable for everyone who tries to love me?

Don’t you see that you ruined me for every man who comes into my life?

Because of you, I never felt beautiful enough. You would always tell me how other children were sweet and cute while I was standing next to you in my pink tutu dress I put on just so you would like me.

And I hoped that you would look at me and tell me that I was beautiful as well, and that you were proud to have a daughter like that.

Because of you, I never felt I was worthy. You would always tell me that other kids were better students than me and that I should go the extra mile to catch up with them.

You never said you were proud of me for a good grade, but you surely knew how to punish me when I got a bad one, though—like I wasn’t punished enough for not getting your love.

Because of you, I couldn’t come home and know I could count on my dad when I got my heart broken for the first time. You never wanted to know about anything that happened in my life. You never asked how I was and if I had problems.

You were never a shoulder I could cry on, dad. And for that, I will never forgive you.

Because of you, I will never walk down the aisle with my dad. I will probably walk alone or with my husband if I ever find one—since after you showed me what men are like, I simply can’t trust any man anymore.

I feel like I will never find a man who will cherish me and love me. I simply feel all of them will betray me like you did.

Because of you, my children won’t have nice memories with their grandpa. Maybe they will never meet you since you probably won’t make any effort to get to know them better.

And I won’t even try to tell them about you since you are not so important to me anymore.

You were never there when I needed you, and now that I am an adult, I don’t want you in my life anymore. So, don’t try to seek me when you realize what you have done.

That little girl who was crazy about you doesn’t exist anymore. She died the day you didn’t choose her.

She died the day you had and affair and chose other women over her. And no matter what you do, you will never bring her back.

Instead of her, there is another woman who knows what she wants in her life. And one of her wishes surely isn’t a lousy father.

You know why?

Because she deserves a lot more than that. Because she suffered, and now she wants a calm life without worrying about why her father doesn’t love her enough.

She doesn’t want to think that she made some mistake and because of that, her father couldn’t love her.

She can’t question herself every day about why she wasn’t enough for a man who was supposed to love and protect her. She simply can’t do that anymore. She is tired, tired to the bone.

And it is about time for her to move on. It is time that she lets go of a toxic dad who was never there for her.

Because she can’t continue like this anymore.

I know that you will maybe feel sorry for not being with me when I needed you. Maybe, one day, you will be proud of the woman I became, but you will never get an opportunity to tell me that face in face. I don’t want to see you.

I don’t want to have any contact with you. One toxic man was enough for my entire life, and I just want to get rid of the toxicity you brought into my life.

So, dad, if you are reading this letter, just know that I forgive you. You probably had some reasons why you were never there for me.

I couldn’t understand them then, and I can’t understand them now. But to be honest, I don’t give a damn about it anymore.

This time, I am finally moving on with a clean heart, knowing that your behavior wasn’t my fault. I am moving on surrounded by people who would give their lives for me.

I am moving on because life goes on, and I have to live it like I deserve. But, just know that, once upon a time, there was a little girl who counted on you.

Once upon a time, you betrayed her by not being there for her.

Once upon a time, you broke her heart. And I just hope that you will be able to live with that.

Open Topic

Forgive Me, But I Love Me More.

I used to believe in fairy tales while growing up and watching all those romantic comedies.

Dreaming about my knight in shining armor and that one day he will come and save me from my horrible teenage years. Today this seems to be a blast from the past.

I used to be such a clever, yet insecure girl, looking for a guy to fill my insecurities and make me happy.

Growing up with a father barely around, it took me years to become aware that I was looking for him in all my men and relationships. I always had a pattern, finding the ones that were not available, just like my daddy wasn’t available for me and my mom.

I met you and that was so typical of me. I broke every textbook rule for you. I saw from the start that you couldn’t show feelings; you couldn’t express yourself verbally, in that way or be a part of an adult conversation.

I wanted to save you for me, so I pushed you for years into becoming what I wanted of you. I was so in love and scared of losing you. You were that unavailable type from day one.

But my ego and my pattern didn’t allow me to let you go. I should have, but instead, I struggled in the battle that was already lost from the start.

I often wonder where my destructiveness came from, why I was not allowing myself to take care of me first. I worried about your worries instead. I was fixing your problems first. And deep down inside, I was suffering like never before in my life.

Today I realize that I was blaming myself for my parents’ broken marriage and for the fact that I take the blame for everything that happened between them.

Just a small girl who had to take care of her father, instead of him taking care of his daughter.

Boy, was I in denial, even though deep inside, I knew I was making a mistake with you. But it didn’t seem like one at the beginning. Beginnings are usually the best form of denial.

At the beginning, you are mad about each other – well, mostly, you are head over heels for him. Now, let’s go back to the story of romantic comedies from the 90s.

Years passed and I got so tired of making all the right choices for us. Asking you if you loved me, putting my needs aside because you have to come first in my life. And the funniest part is, you didn’t even ask me to do all that.

Luckily, I was smart enough to take my education very seriously, to push my career and knowledge, to expand my horizons.

And this brought me here, where I stand today.

On my own two feet firmly on the ground and my hands in the air, trying to catch my own piece of heaven. It took my years to leave you, but through that process I have finally reached out to myself.

I have started a new chapter of my life, loving myself more than anything or anyone else. And guess what? I’ve let go of the past too.

Loving my mom and dad, that was one thing, but holding on to their lives and the past didn’t allow me to grab for my future.

I only have one life and if I can love myself for me, then I am not able to love a man for himself.

I do hope that this will be the next step of my lifelong journey. But I will not hurry to get to him. Like I did with you. I’ve let you go and it was the best decision of my life.

I can tell you one more beautiful thing – I didn’t even suffer. I just gave myself the time to walk on the beach alone, eat chocolate, and read a good book.

I put my phone away and didn’t wait for your message. I decided that the only person I should wait for is me. And for the first time in my life, being alone felt good.

At that moment, I realized that he will come to me and I will not feel the urge to change anything. He will be the one for me and, finally, I will be able to be the only one for him.

But first, no matter how long it took me to get there, I had to be the only one and the right one for me.