I had my abortion when I was 18.
I was 18, and with my THEN boyfriend for about 1 month and found out I was pregnant after I took my pregnancy test in a near by McDonald’s . I was scared, a part of me really didn’t want to, but the man who I THOUGHT was the father THEN, insisted on the abortion so his mother wouldn’t kick him out of the house if I kept it (pathetic, I know now). I got scared and worried, so I went with it. I was 7 weeks along and saw the baby when I had an ultrasound. And a warm feeling came over me. I felt loved when I saw the baby.
I came to a decision that only him and I knew about, and the day it happened, was the day I lost a bit of myself, there was a hole in my heart. After the abortion, I cried and was really depressed, and I have never spoken about my abortion and how I felt to anyone, but it is something that scars me for life.
I still cry about it sometimes and think about it CONSTANTLY. It’s something you will never get over, and I recommend you think strongly about abortions because if I could, I would take back mine and have my child in a heart beat with or without the father, don’t let others influence your decision like I did.
When the test came up positive, the pure terror that rushed through me was a feeling I’d never felt before. My boyfriend THEN, reassured me that whatever I do, he’d be there. Whether I wanted to keep it or not, he’d respect my decision and help in anyway he could.
The day after my surgical abortion, I felt relief. I was somewhat happy with the choice I made. But flash forward to now, I can’t help but think about what could have been. What he/she would have looked like, been like. Whether it was a boy or girl, what his or her name would have been. Sadly now, I can’t have children now, because for 1, I’m too old. And 2, I have to go through IVF. And 3, my NOW boyfriend doesn’t want children. And it hurts so bad.
Even though she/he never got big enough for me to physically feel her/he, and the thought of she/he growing inside me, I could feel, and I would have loved to experience that feeling for the first time. I’m so sorry baby, if I could take that day back, I wouldn’t have gone to that clinic.
I regret every single moment of it and wish I just walked away out of there when I started to feel hesitant, but there was never a chance and not one person noticed.
I regret my abortion. I have a really hard time looking at babies, pregnant women or interacting with children. It makes me miss my would of been daughter/son. I’ve never expressed this outside of my mind, and here I am speaking about it publicly now.
I admit I have been able to do things and go places that I would not have been able to do with a child. Doesn’t really feel worth it though.
My mom gave birth to my brother around the time I would have. I was so jealous sand angry sometimes, and hurt, because I was always the baby of the family, and all the attention was going to be taken away from me. I randomly cried thinking about this, it’s sad.
But the fucked up thing about this whole situation was, after I thought about it for a while, I realized the baby was my EX-BOYFRIEND’S. And we were together for 1 year. I miss him, and I wish I kept my baby. I am getting too old for children and that makes me more sad and regretful. I think it would have been a girl, and I would’ve have named her Erika Michelle, after her father Erik Michael. And she would have been beautiful. With her daddy’s big brown eyes and my blonde curls. She would have been born December 5th.
I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. This is sad and something that sticks with me till this day. Now I live a good life and I am loved by many. My life has gone on, but I don’t know where to go to talk about my secret. And I’m fed up of the stigma, making people keep it secret.
I also wanted to save Earth by not overpopulating. So many idiots having children, so why did I sacrifice mine?