Open Topic

Heartbroken, But Getting Over You.

I remember a time when I’d fall asleep crying myself to sleep. You’d meet me in my dreams that haunted me. I’d wake up and there was a pain that physically hurt. Wanting to just lay in bed and dwell over a relationship ending. A relationship in which I truly believed you were the one. Overcome with a loss that felt more like mine than yours. I guess that’s what happens when you love someone more than they loved you.

I’d go out drinking and my friends would watch me take shots with no chaser knowing the night would end with my crying talking about you as they held back my hair and I vomited. I’m not proud of the things I did to try to forget you. Drowning myself in anything I could, only to realize you were with me everywhere.

Looking at my phone wanting to text you, knowing I shouldn’t but doing it anyway. Another fight full of hateful words where it was like we were trying so hard to hurt one another more than we might have already. 

Turning into a complete psychopath trying to do everything I could to not let go. I think it’s only really love when you act crazy trying to revive it. Doing everything you possibly can to win them back. 

You’ll realize later it’s not supposed to be that difficult. 

Going on dates wishing it was you sitting across from me. Apologizing to the person in front of me because they tell you to date, but what happens when you aren’t ready for it? 

Hooking up with people just because and realizing a physical relationship puts a band-aid on it for a moment, but then I’d wake up even more lonely.

Wondering how something so good turned me into someone I wasn’t. 

What everyone fails to realize at the end of relationships are, the really intense and emotional ones end badly because there is no graceful way to end something was good. 

The days that went slow and people trying to comfort me, but there wasn’t anything anyone can say to change what had happened. 

Working out more than I ever have in my life because I thought if I changed, I could win you back. 

It was seeing you everywhere. In every song. On every street. In every place. Waking up and remembering when you used to lay right next to me. 

Everyone said give it time and I would heal. 

But when you are heartbroken and getting over someone, time feels like it’s completely frozen and there is no moving on and even if you try to, the thought of them not in your future and in your life makes you feel so empty. 

I talked to anyone who will listen as if replaying things like that would help me to understand why it ended in the first place. 

Waking my friend up at 3am because I had never been that sad before in my life, and I was scared of what this pain turned me into.

That’s heartbreak and your first one, that one that really brings you to your knees and changes you. 

There isn’t a pain in the world like it, and there isn’t anything someone including myself can say to make it go away or make you heal faster. 

But one day, you are going to wake up and it’s not going to hurt as much, and you aren’t going to think about them as often. And you’ll watch yourself start to heal. 

You’ll hear your song and it won’t make you cry. 

You’ll date again and see parts of them in others and smile.

You’ll see pictures and remember how good it was at one point, and be happy to have even had that. 

Then they come back. Because when it was real love at any point, they always have a way of coming back into your life. 

And maybe it won’t turn into another relationship or trying again. Maybe you’ll just try to be friends. Maybe you’ll look back at it all laughing. History has a way of bonding people. I truly believe you always find your way back, if the feelings were true and genuine.

You’ll realize though what’s changed is you, and you don’t want them back. A part of you will always love them and love what you had, but you aren’t that person anymore. 

They’ll text you and hit you up. Once upon a time that would have made your stomach flip a hundred times as you carefully crafted what to say back. Now you pick and choose when to answer. 

This person compliments you and your attitude that might have been filled with hope if they said that a while ago is replaced with a confidence of ‘I know.’ 

You get over them and it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but you’ll realize you really can live, function and thrive without them. 

Those desperate attempts you made trying to win them back, will be just lessons learned, because you’ll realize you’re the one who deserved more. 

And when enough time passes, they are going to start to miss you too. Miss the way you made them feel about themselves because you loved them so honestly and with everything you had. 

And they are going to tell you everything you always wanted to hear. But everything they say is going to be a little too late because they had their chance.

Then what is going to happen is you choosing to walk away?

You look at yourself in the mirror and realize you made it and you did it without them.

Open Topic

To The Girl Who Was Emotionally Abused.

To a girl who was emotionally abused, love is something she has a hard time defining.

Her abuser changed her perception of reality. He used to say he loves her at one point, and soon after, that he would call her names and say the meanest things.

He used to hug her and kiss her, then scream at her and break the plates as they would fight. Everything was always her fault.

He got so good at playing the victim that she really looked for the problem inside of herself. She thought that she needs to change. She thought she was the cause of her unhappiness.

You see emotional abuse made her think that she wasn’t good enough.

It made her think that she isn’t worthy of love and that most of the things that happened to her, were somehow her fault.

It took her a long time to realize that it was never about her. She rebuilt her life.

She worked on her insecurities and got her self-esteem back. She gradually learned to love herself again.

Emotional abuse made her guarded.

She found her inner peace. She renewed her life. She became happy all on her own, and it took her so long to get there that she is scared to lose it.

She is scared that somebody will hurt her again, take her back to the start, and that all her efforts will have been in vain.

She keeps telling herself that not all men are her ex. That they are not all the same. But she can’t help being scared.

That’s why she needs someone she feels safe with.

She needs someone she can trust. That’s why she believes in taking things slowly and creating that trust with her partner.

Trust is no longer something she gives out freely. It needs to be earned.

She needs a man who will get that. A man who won’t mind reducing the pace and be everything she needs.

If she finds that man, she will lower her guard and not a minute sooner.

She needs someone who will make her stop fighting her feelings.

She is afraid to let herself go and really and truly feel. That’s why every time she sees that she is getting to close and too attached to somebody, she backs down.

She pulls away, but she hopes that he will hold her tight. She hopes that he will reassure her and tell her that everything will be ok.

When she finds someone like that, maybe she will give love a chance, but not a moment sooner. She wants to feel as safe as possible before taking the risk.

She still believes in love, and she still craves it, but she has higher standards now.

If there is a silver lining in everything that she has been through it, is that she learned just how strong she is and that she needs to love and appreciate herself more.

She learned those lessons the hard way, but at least now she has no problem with letting go when she sees the red flags of toxic and abusive behavior she has endured.

She would never again tolerate something like that again. She raised the bar, and her standards are higher now. She is not being unrealistic. She just knows what love should never look like.

She knows that love shouldn’t feel like torture. She knows love shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself. She knows that love shouldn’t lead you to emotional death.

She knows love should be kind and supportive. She knows that love adds to your happiness. She knows that love doesn’t hurt. She knows that love makes you fly.

Open Topic

Tired, But Holding On.

Hey Stranger,

I know you think we’re nothing more than this, two strangers who have nothing in common whatsoever, but I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong. I know more about your life and the way you feel than you could imagine.

I know your alarm wakes you up every morning and you snooze it and roll onto the other side of your bed because you’re not ready to get up just yet. I know that your bed feels so much better than going out in the world. I know how tired you’re feeling even before you get up out of your bed.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know you’d love to have fun, but it takes so much energy from you. I know you’d love to make other people laugh and I know you’d love to laugh from the bottom of your soul until your stomach aches, but you haven’t done this in a while. You haven’t done it because you forgot how.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know you don’t see the point in living anymore because you can’t find one thing you love about your life. Everything seems so disposable and so irrelevant. Everything seems so far away from your reach. All you want seems so distant and as if it was never meant to be yours.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know you want to pause the world and make it quiet for a while. And I know you want to make everything just still for a second so you can catch your breath. I know you want to pause the world to take some rest and to be able to catch up with it. I know you’re feeling stuck and you have no idea how to move forward.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know your head is a mess. I know that you feel like you’re not enough. I know you’re tired of trying, but not getting any credit for it. I know you’re tired of getting put down, tired of mean people, tired of backstabbers too. I know you’re tired of crying and tired of your own insecurities and tired of being tired as well.

I know you’re tired and I know how tired looks, because I’ve been there too.

But do you know what the best thing is about feeling the way you feel? Your life is a paradox and you’re not even aware of it. See, you wake up every morning having no idea how you’re going to make it, and yet you manage to make it through the day over and over again.

I know you don’t see it now, but I swear you’re way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your bravery deserves a medal. You probably don’t think you did anything extraordinary, but that’s where you’re wrong the most.

You get up every morning and you try. You try even when you’re tired. And despite the fact that you’re emotionally and physically drained, you still haven’t given up.

You’re a true fighter, you know? You’re not a fighter in the normal sense of the word, you’re even a bigger fighter than that. You’re a fighter because you fight yourself every day. You’re a true fighter because the worst battles are those we fight within ourselves. And you have fought and won so many of those.

You might feel like you’re on the edge now, but you don’t have to fall. You don’t have to let your life slip through your fingers. You still have a choice. Happiness is not a feeling, it’s a choice and you can choose to feel happy.

Life played a little game with you. It did the same thing to me as well. It said: You’re gonna be happy but I have to make you strong first. And I know you’ve been through hell. But you know what the silver lining is here? You’ve been knocked down to the very bottom. And the only way you can go from the bottom is up. Now is your time.

It’s time to admit to yourself that you deserve more. It’s time to admit to yourself that you’re good enough. It’s time to embrace life and to actually get up in the morning promising that you’ll try to love everything that day has to offer you. It’s time to stop feeling like it’s all your fault, and to stop convincing yourself how you’re not good enough.

You’re the master of your own fate. You’re the one in charge. You’re the captain of your life. You’re the sky and everything else is the weather. You’re the only constant in your life and everything else is pretty much changeable.

Whatever you’re feeling now will fade away. And one day, you’ll look back on your life and laugh about how you allowed yourself to be affected by so many irrelevant things. One day, you’ll be in such a good place that you won’t understand that you are now.

Just hold on just a little longer please because I promise you there are better days ahead of you. You probably wonder how I know? Well, I know because I’ve been in your shoes. And I know there is more to life than you’ve got right now. 

Take all the time you need to fill your batteries. Pause your life for as long as you want. But please never lose hope. There is something greater coming your way. Life is just testing you to see if you’re truly ready for it. Show everyone what you’re made of.