Open Topic

You Hurt Me, But I Still Love You.

I don’t understand how love works. You hurt me so bad and I’m still the most “in love” person I know.

The pain you cause me impales my chest and my love for you still swells up in my heart at an alarming rate. How is that humanly possible? How i it possible that the one person who makes me most happy in life can also be the person who hurts me so much, and why wasn’t I taught that love is this painful?

If anything, I love you more now and I’ve come up with a theory. It is that it takes hurting the person you love and almost losing them to bring them closer to you and it’s sickening, but it is true. It took you hurting me and me considering packing my bags, even though my love for you is undeniable, to make you realize that you need me just as much as I need you and I’m heavily confused.

The pain you make me feel is akin to the breaking of all my bones and I can’t find it in myself to say I love you any less because it is not true.

I want to push you away from me just as much as I want to pull you in and cry into your neck with your hands wrapped around my back. I hate you, at this moment, just as much as I love you and I feel like my heart and brain are in a whirlwind. My heart a glass castle and my brain the kid who carelessly throws stones in it.

My heart aches for your love and aches because of the pain you cause it and I don’t understand it at all. It is confusing, a labyrinth and I’m exhausted.

Loving you this much and hating you furiously for hurting me at the same time is one of the hardest things I’ve ever felt, because there is no way of sorting things out when your mind is this scrambled.

Open Topic

Hurt Me.

Hurt me, because it will be easy. I will let you do it without raising any complaints. I will not even wait for an apology before offering you a second chance. I will allow you to walk over me without a word because the alternative would mean speaking up to you and potentially losing you. I would never take that risk. I would rather watch you betray me, listen to you lie to me, feel you growing distant from me without calling you out on any of it. You could do anything you want to me and I would take it. I would convince myself you were worth the pain, worth every single sorrow. Even better, I would convince myself I was the root of the problem and leave you blameless.

Hurt me, because no matter what you put me through, I will not walk away from you. I will stay for much too long. I will fight for you. I will tell myself things are going to get better in the future, that you will change once you realize how many hardships you have put me through. I will lie to myself in order to make it seem like keeping you around is a good idea. I will fool myself and everyone around me into thinking I am okay.

Hurt me, because nothing you do can be worse than what I have been through in the past. I have been ghosted. Led on. Cheated on. Lied to. Betrayed. I have lost people who swore they would never leave. I have been abandoned. I have had my trust broken. I have had my heart broken. I am barely whole. I am struggling to keep myself together.

Hurt me, because I expect you to do it anyway. I know it is coming. When it happens I will be disappointed, but I will not be surprised. I am a pessimist. I am a skeptic. I do not believe in true love or forever— at least, I do not believe it is meant for people like me.

Hurt me, because you will not get in trouble for it. I will not make you explain yourself. I will not make you fall to your knees and plead for my forgiveness. I will not even allow you to see how upset you have made me. I will act like I am completely fine. I will shrug and tell you everything is okay in order to look like a cool girl. The kind of girl without emotions.

Hurt me,because I do it to myself each and every day. I look in the mirror and criticize my reflection. I step on the scale and then starve myself in the hopes another number will appear tomorrow. I date the wrong people because I am under the impression I am never going to find someone who treats me right. I punish myself, because deep down, I hate myself. I have heard I deserve happiness a million times but I have never believed it. I don’t think I ever will.