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Still In Love With My Abuser.

I don’t think I could ever have imagined myself being in a mess such as this. I don’t think I ever imagined myself to be capable of loving someone who broke me, someone who managed to destroy everything I worked so hard for. But I do.

You see, I can’t shake this feeling that I could’ve done things differently.

Maybe if I’d tried harder, maybe if I’d stayed a little bit longer, he would’ve changed. Maybe if I’d given him another chance, maybe this time it would be different. But I try to remind myself every day that I never caused any of this, so I have no power in changing it. Every time I dream of his face, I force myself to look at the scars on my arms.

Every time I dream of his lips, I remind myself of all the hateful words that passed through them. Every time I find myself missing the man I once fell in love with, I remind myself of the man that he became in the end. The man who destroyed me.

But, God forgive me, I still love him.

I can still hear him screaming after me, calling me back into the house, calling me back to him. Begging me to stay. And for so long, I wondered if I’d done the right thing.

He told me he needed me, but I left him. He asked me to help him, but instead, I chose to help myself.

He begged me to stay, but I ran away. Maybe, if I had stayed, maybe if I had tried to help him, he could be better. But you see, taking care of someone cannot come at the cost of self-abandonment.

Taking care of his needs and neglecting mine is what I did the rest of our relationship, so I’m trying to remind myself every day that it wasn’t me who abandoned him.

He abandoned us the moment he raised his voice, the moment he threw me into a mirror. He abandoned us the moment he made me an object.

But, God forgive me, I still love him.

I never left because I decided I didn’t love him. I never left because his abuse washed away my love. I left because I decided that I loved myself more.

I left because I couldn’t keep hoping that he would change and keep getting my heart broken on a daily basis when I realized he wouldn’t. I left because I couldn’t keep loving for both of us, hoping that my love would change his behavior. Hoping that maybe my love was strong enough to chase away the abuser from him. But it never was.

My love, my hopes, my dreams, they were just games to him. My feelings and my body were toys to him. It had nothing to do with me, it was all about him and his needs.

But, God forgive me, I still love him.

I still love the man who made me feel like I was the luckiest woman alive.

I still love the man who would bring me coffee in bed and roses every Sunday. I still love the man who would sing me lullabies every time I was sick. I still love the man who would kiss away the tears from my face, the man who would kiss every inch of my body, making me feel like I was a goddess he was worshipping.

I still love the man I once knew, and I can still see pieces of that man in the one I left. I can still see traces of love that used to be in his eyes, and the curves of his smile on his face. I can still feel the warmth of his body against mine. I can still see the man I once loved, but I don’t think he can do the same.

I guess in the end, it’s not God whom I should ask forgiveness from. It’s the woman I used to be.

4 thoughts on “Still In Love With My Abuser.”

  1. Carla what an experience and to feel love still is hard, To continue to love the person who abused us is one of the hardest things to let go of. I have only in the last few years come to tems with the fact I don’t like the person who abused me, and I don’t respect them at all. And why has it taken me so long to realise that it is okay not to love my parents, my abusers. It is the expectation.

    Still loving someone who caused me so much pain physical and emotionally is better than admitting to myself that I really did not mean much to them. Since acknowledging that this misplaced love was bad for me. Kept me from moving forward on MY path, being ME and accepting I did not need to endure anymore pain because I loved these people. was like a mask coming off my eyes. Love is made so much off in family movies, romances, but now speaking from a place where I was with someone who showed me and taught me the truth of unconditional love. I am strong enough now to move forward knowing I am a good person, I am able to be loved in a positive and healthy unconditional love. I am better on my own than being with anyone that does not let me be myself, or wants to change me, or beats me, verbally puts me down, or manipulates me. I am not looking for love. Love is what we have to have for ourselves, and the strength you have demonstrated is inspiring to leave, and now let go of the addiction to this man who abused you. He did not deserve YOU, and he is NOT WORTHY of you thinking about him and loving him. Being addicted to the idea of love is blinding. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s taken me along time to figure out who I really am, and I’m still trying to figure it out. But from being sexual, physically and mentally abused almost my whole life has took a major toll on myself. I feel trapped, I feel hurt, I feel resentful and I don’t know how to let go of all these feelings and put them behind me. Today, I am still being mentally abuse and I can’t escape it. It has made me have thoughts of using again because drugs numbed all my pain and thats all I wanna do anymore is “numb” the pain. No amount of therapy or hospitals can help me. I feel like I’m drowning and no one is saving me. Thats why I blog, because it makes me forget things for a little while, and I can express my feelings to the world to people who are experiences what I feel.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really hear You Carla. I too find blogging helpful for expressing myself, and having others understand. You are so strong, I am so proud of how well you are doing and it may have taken us both a long time to figure out who we are but that is a big start.
        I finally forgave my family. I dont want to have anything to do with them but forgiving them was not for them it was for me. It really helped me so much to break contact and forgive them. I have been fortunate in my addictions were to food and hoarding, rather than drugs or alcohol. But I still find myself having days of binging, on shit food, so I can only imagine the call of drugs or alcohol is the same. You are the only person sadly who can help you. That is what I have learnt through my therapy. I still go because it helps me process and a safe place to be truthful and I am still a work in progress. But in the scheme of things now I know that for me when I am in the pit surrounding by so many sweet wrappers, feeling ill and ashamed and remorseful because it has been ages since I did this, I realised recently with my psychologist, that this was when my inner child is running the show. I the adult just give up and retreat, so she comes out and does what she always has to protect me my brain and my life we run to the comfort, the thing that numbs me, that means the thoughts and feelings of the past have gone away. And for a short time, I am comforted, and escape. You are saving Yourself Carla, you are. you are also helping others, you are strong and you are amazing. I amSo proud of you.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can empathize, for sure. I felt like that for a long time during my divorce racking my mind for why I loved him ever in the beginning, and at the same time really missing him. I had to learn the lesson of setting myself free from the chaos of it all, and save myself. In the end the only thing we could agree on is that we both loved each other deeply but were no longer right for each other, because nothing else could possibly ‘fit’ the mold of the divorce forms needed. Being in love with someone who only ever really gives you half of themselves is like trying to love a stone- until you’re addicted to a kind of numb and empty version of love that has simply truly lost it’s color. Don’t back down. Be free. It’s your life, and you gave more than you had to give.. let him let go.. sometimes that is all they are fighting for underneath all that bold abusive hurtful massivley painful behavior.

    Liked by 1 person

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