Open Topic

Give Yourself Time.

Rome wasn’t built overnight and neither will your heart heal overnight.

But what matters in the end is, that Rome was built eventually and you too will get over him eventually. Just give yourself some time.

I know all about the heartbreak you’re going through. I know it way too well. I know how hopeless you feel now.

I know you just want to crawl into your bed under the sheets and stay there for the rest of your life.

I know how your hand still types in his number unconsciously and how you almost dialed him a dozen times.

I know you still check his social media to see if he moved on. I know you wonder what could you do to make things right and if he still thinks about you as much as you think about him.

I know all about this and I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel heartbroken. It’s okay to miss him.

But it’s not okay to get him back. It’s not okay to constantly cry over spilled milk. It’s not okay to beat yourself up for being stuck. ‘Cause you’re not stuck.

You’re moving on, you’re healing. And all this what you’re feeling? It’s all part of getting over him.

They say that the only thing more dangerous than war is love. You’ve felt this on your own skin. It feels like you went through a warzone and not a relationship.

And it seems like every bullet that was shot somehow found its way to you.

You loved and you got broken. You got your hopes up just to see them vanish into dust. You planned your future together just to see it never come to life.

And it hurts. All of this hurts so much. But remember: it’s always the darkest before the dawn.

You wanted to keep him. You planned your future with him. You actually wanted him to stay. But if he didn’t stay, then it means he was never sent your way to stay.

He was sent your way to stick around for a while, teach you a lesson and once his job was done, leave.

There was a reason God moved your heart toward him and there was a reason why you got attached more than you did with any other person in your life.

When you look back, you’ll see he played a major role in your life, but he had to be in it only temporarily so he could fulfill his duty of showing you a different way of life and then set you free.

Nothing—or nobody—ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.

The reason he came into your life and the mission he had is known only to you, but you won’t be able to grasp it until you let the pain go.

So allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Cry a river. Build a bridge. And then get over it.

Find consolation in the fact that your story is probably better left the way it is. You gave each other all you had to offer.

One got love and other got sorrow. But either way, what’s done is done. The time has come to admit to yourself that the chapter of your book in which he is playing the main role is over.

Now you can either choose to continue re-reading it or you can choose to move on to writing a new chapter, perhaps even a whole new book.

Time heals everything, so give yourself time to heal. But please don’t build walls. You don’t need all that armor. Because what lives inside can’t be broken.

One day, you will no longer yearn for his arms. One day, you will no longer love him.

One day, you’ll no longer wish that things had gone differently because you’ll finally understand you needed him and everything you lived with him took you to a better place.

Your heart will finally be whole again and you’ll be able to love someone who’s actually meant to stay.

You will build your own Rome, your own empire with someone else who’s not temporary. Just give yourself some time.

If you were brave enough to love someone, then you’re strong enough to get over him, too.

So stay strong, you’ve got this.

Open Topic

A Strong But Weak Woman Promised Herself “Never Again.”

It was in every unkind word where she never said anything back.

It was every time someone knocked her down to build themselves back up she stood firm.

It was in every moment they needed something from her and she gave herself away to appease them.

It was in every tear they ever caused and she was the one to say sorry. 

It was in every unanswered text or call where she still picked up the next time.

It was in every plan she looked forward to that he didn’t care when he let her down canceling.

It was in every lie she believed undoubtedly because she was so honest.

It was in every moment she gave more than she got thinking she could teach him her ways.

It was the hope he would change if only she loved him enough.

It was every one-liner he knew would take her down and he said these things with a smile.

It was in choosing to see the good, despite being the one they took out all their bad on.

It was in every night that turned into morning and the promises uttered were drunk words to be forgotten even though she remembered everything.

It was in every tear she cried in private never letting anyone see her weak.

It was in every night she went to bed wondering why wasn’t she enough to make them commit?

It was in all the effort she put forth not playing by any rule, even though he played her like he invented the game.

It was in endings without explanations where she was the one left analyzing what went wrong.

It was in every call past midnight where she picked up every time.

It was in every excuse he could muster and she simply took it.

It was in every compliment with prior motives she learned to stop believing. Because kindness to gain something more isn’t really being nice.

It was in every insult where he pointed out her flaws that she spent hours fixating on in the mirror.

It was in every fight where he walked away and she was the one to go after him.

It was the acceptance of every apology, he’d only have to say again because he never learned.

It was settling for less than she deserved not because she didn’t respect herself enough to walk away, but she thought she saw something in him enough to tolerate these things.

But every weak girl who used to crumble answering that text she knew she shouldn’t, turned out to be strong women.

Every girl that got less than they deserved, finally stopped crying, picked themselves up, wiped their tears and looked at themselves in the mirror saying, ‘never again.’

So if every you wonder about her strength in where it comes from it was in that very same promise where she told her younger self, ‘never again.’

If ever you wonder how she handles situations with such dignity and grace, it was the promise she made to herself saying, ‘never again.’

If ever you wonder why she’s so calm in moments that would set anyone off, she thinks back to her younger self, the basket case full of tears and that promise, ‘never again.’

If you ever wonder why she’s alone, it was the promise she made to her younger self that she would never need someone but herself.

If you ever wonder about her confidence it was the moment she realized to love herself the first.

If you ever wonder about her ambition and how she takes everything she wants with a smile and bit of cockiness, it was the promise she made to herself that she wouldn’t take no for an answer and she wouldn’t believe anyone who told her she couldn’t.

If you ever wonder why she walks away the moment any guy challenges her, it’s because she promised herself long ago, she’d never get caught up in games and it was there she learned to make her own rules.

And if the thought ever crosses your mind of why she’s single and you think you know it’s out of bad luck, think again. It’s the promise she made to her younger self she’d never again settle for less than she deserved or tolerate bullshit.

And if ever you wonder why she questions you, it was in the moment she learned the only person she can trust is herself.

So the next time you see a strong woman and wonder where it all came from, it was in every person of her past that motivated her to never be weak again.

It was the promise she made to that same girl who had black tears running down her face, that she said, ‘no one will ever make us feel this way again.’ It was in that moment she never looked back.

It was in every moment after she never jumped at their texts. Because the ghosts from her past came knocking and she stopped answering.

And it was in that moment they all began to regret it because when a weak girl realizes she deserves more, she becomes a woman who never settles for less.

Open Topic

Still In Love With My Abuser.

I don’t think I could ever have imagined myself being in a mess such as this. I don’t think I ever imagined myself to be capable of loving someone who broke me, someone who managed to destroy everything I worked so hard for. But I do.

You see, I can’t shake this feeling that I could’ve done things differently.

Maybe if I’d tried harder, maybe if I’d stayed a little bit longer, he would’ve changed. Maybe if I’d given him another chance, maybe this time it would be different. But I try to remind myself every day that I never caused any of this, so I have no power in changing it. Every time I dream of his face, I force myself to look at the scars on my arms.

Every time I dream of his lips, I remind myself of all the hateful words that passed through them. Every time I find myself missing the man I once fell in love with, I remind myself of the man that he became in the end. The man who destroyed me.

But, God forgive me, I still love him.

I can still hear him screaming after me, calling me back into the house, calling me back to him. Begging me to stay. And for so long, I wondered if I’d done the right thing.

He told me he needed me, but I left him. He asked me to help him, but instead, I chose to help myself.

He begged me to stay, but I ran away. Maybe, if I had stayed, maybe if I had tried to help him, he could be better. But you see, taking care of someone cannot come at the cost of self-abandonment.

Taking care of his needs and neglecting mine is what I did the rest of our relationship, so I’m trying to remind myself every day that it wasn’t me who abandoned him.

He abandoned us the moment he raised his voice, the moment he threw me into a mirror. He abandoned us the moment he made me an object.

But, God forgive me, I still love him.

I never left because I decided I didn’t love him. I never left because his abuse washed away my love. I left because I decided that I loved myself more.

I left because I couldn’t keep hoping that he would change and keep getting my heart broken on a daily basis when I realized he wouldn’t. I left because I couldn’t keep loving for both of us, hoping that my love would change his behavior. Hoping that maybe my love was strong enough to chase away the abuser from him. But it never was.

My love, my hopes, my dreams, they were just games to him. My feelings and my body were toys to him. It had nothing to do with me, it was all about him and his needs.

But, God forgive me, I still love him.

I still love the man who made me feel like I was the luckiest woman alive.

I still love the man who would bring me coffee in bed and roses every Sunday. I still love the man who would sing me lullabies every time I was sick. I still love the man who would kiss away the tears from my face, the man who would kiss every inch of my body, making me feel like I was a goddess he was worshipping.

I still love the man I once knew, and I can still see pieces of that man in the one I left. I can still see traces of love that used to be in his eyes, and the curves of his smile on his face. I can still feel the warmth of his body against mine. I can still see the man I once loved, but I don’t think he can do the same.

I guess in the end, it’s not God whom I should ask forgiveness from. It’s the woman I used to be.

Open Topic

What It’s Really Like To Have A Broken Heart.

A lot of people say having your heart broken is like someone ripping your heart out of your chest. It is so much worse than that. Having your heart broken feels like someone trying to rip your heart out from wherever they can access it. They beat you in the stomach, they rip at your throat, they pound on your head, but eventually, ripping your heart straight out of your chest is the only option. So they do it. And then they squeeze your heart and they throw it around and step on it and tear it apart with dull fingernails. They rip it to shreds and just because it’s no longer in your body doesn’t mean you don’t feel all of this at full intensity.

The pain becomes overwhelming so you scream and cry at the hurt that is happening to you. Everywhere. Everything hurts. There is a physical pain: constant headache, burning eyes, an honest-to-God ache in your chest, nausea, body soreness. There is a mental pain: constant questioning of him, yourself, the situation, rethinking every nuance of every phrase said and every event passed, over thinking to the point where your mind is a constant buzz of nonstop action without any focus. You flip between hating him for hurting you and hating yourself for letting it happen.

Dealing with a broken heart is a lot like being trapped underwater. You struggle a lot at first, learning to hold your breath, often faltering and getting lungs full of water, choking until your whole body burns. You try to find the surface because you don’t want to hold your breath anymore. It’s hard and painful and you want a reprieve. But you can’t seem to find the top. And you struggle some more and your lungs cry out, you cry out, for anyone to help. But eventually you resign to the burning and the lack of oxygen and you allow yourself to just drown. When you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, suddenly you’ll start to float up. Nature takes over and you gasp a fresh breath of air right before he kicks you down again, foot to the gut, and you fall lower. You never hit rock bottom before, because this is much worse. You struggle again and it hurts more even when you thought it wasn’t possible to. I imagine this keeps happening and I’m not sure how it’ll end. I’m still drowning, occasionally resurfacing only to be pushed further into heartache. I want to stay afloat but succumbing to the water seems to be my only option now. I am lost, and there is no way I can find the surface on my own.

I loved everything about this guy. I loved him even when he built me up just to tear me down. I love him now even when it’s his foot in my gut and the burning in my lungs is pain caused by him. I knew him 3 years. Three fucking years and this is what he’s done. More than anything I want to hate him and I want him to be as heartbroken as I am. But I cannot wish this upon anyone, not someone I love nor someone I hate. All I can do is pray that one day he will let me find the surface on my own, stand on my own two feet, and move to dry land. I can only hope that one day he can allow my pain to dissipate and allow me to feel whole and normal again. The worst part about drowning is that you cannot do the saving yourself. I have given in to the fact that certain pieces of my heart were torn off and lost and I have given in to the fact that, though I love him, he is as lost to me as these pieces. But for right now, I’m still struggling to hold my breath and I’m still choking on water and I can only wonder if I’ll find the surface soon.

Open Topic

When Your Heart Breaks Into Tiny Pieces.

You’re going to meet someone in the most unexpected time of your life. You’re going to believe it’s destiny: the universe bringing two people together at the same place and at the same time.

Sooner or later, you’re going to fall in love, whether you like it or not. You’re going to realize that love is one thing in this world you can’t resist. It smacks you right in the chest, and all you can do is let go and go with the flow.

You’re going to finally experience what it’s like to be asked on a date. You’re going to kick your guard down and share details of yourself that other people don’t know. You’re going to have your phone be unusually bombarded with messages and calls.

And you’re going to be so happy.

You’re going to smile at the world and know that it’s on your side. You’re going to feel like everything is just right. All the crappy days that you had in the past are going to be irrelevant because having someone who loves you, surpasses all your horrible experiences in life.

But one day, you’re going to learn that not all good things are meant to last.

You’re going to end your relationship with someone, and it is going to hurt so badly. It is going to make you cry and you’re going to lie when someone asks you about the dark circles under your eyes. You’re going to hate the universe for being unfair and for giving you something that’s short-lived.

You’re going to hate yourself too, for allowing love to take control of you. You’re going to spend many days feeling lost, feeling empty, feeling worthless. You’re going to ask yourself a hundred times if you will ever move on.

You’re going to have your heart ripped into pieces and it is going to be the worst feeling in the world. You’re going to push people away and refuse to receive any help. Life is going to suck. And living every day is going to seem like a chore.

But heartbreak actually teaches you one important lesson: Your heart always has a way of recovering no matter what.

It might seem like the pain you’re experiencing is endless, but eventually it’s going to fade away. Time is going to help bring your heart back to its normal beat again.

Life is going to look better. You’re going to be tired of feeling sorry for yourself and try to piece your heart back together. You’re going to learn that we all go through different phases and heartbreak is one of them.

Heartbreak is universal. And you’re not the only one who suffers because of it.

You’re going forgive the world, forgive yourself, and forgive the person who’s responsible for your broken heart. Because hating isn’t going to help you move forward in your life. Hate is only going to bring you down and drag you back in the past.

You’re going to find yourself again without needing another person, without needing some other things. You’re going to search for your purpose and re-define your happiness. You’re going to make a list of things you want to accomplish, because there’s more to life than falling in love and falling out of love.

And you’re going to be okay.

Your heartache isn’t going to stay permanently with you. You’re going to open another chapter of your story, and know how wonderful it is to feel absolutely brand new.