Open Topic

When Anxiety Strikes.

When people tell me I’m over-analyzing things or overthinking it or reading too much into the situation, I want them to be right. I want to dismiss this little thing that is overcoming my thoughts and emotions as me being a paranoid fuck.

When anxiety strikes, I would love nothing more than to be completely wrong.

I would love to categorize this as just another thing I thought too much about and the scenario I played out didn’t come true before my eyes.

But every once in awhile (actually more than once) I’m completely spot on and I hate it.

There are times where my friends tell me this conclusion I’ve come up with is crazy and there is no way it could come true. But I just have this uneasy feeling I can’t explain. It’s the red flag that goes off in my mind that I know something isn’t right.

Then I watch in horror as my predictions become a cold reality and I’m left in tears over some ending I completely saw coming because of a simple change in tone with one sentence.

People with anxiety have an innate ability to read situations and read between every line most people look past. People with anxiety have an ability to read others so accurately that a lot of these things they think about do come to life. 

When your senses are heightened and you are constantly thinking, you avoid bad situations that can cause danger or a threat in your life.

There are two parts to the brain that help us to understand anxiety disorder. The amygdala and the hippocampus. 

“The amygdala is an almond- shaped structure deep in the brain..It can alert the rest of your brain that a threat is present and trigger a fear or anxiety response. The emotional memories stored in the central part of the amygdala may play a role in anxiety disorders,” (Henry, 2013).

This is why people with anxiety disorder can sense more so than the average person when something might be repeating itself from the past in a situation. It’s the breakdown you might have had for whatever reason. Your emotional response to that is stored in your memory.

“The hippocampus is the part of your brain that encodes threatening events into memories,” (Henry, 2013).

When you connect the situation you are dealing with at hand with something that’s gone wrong in the past, you have that example to look back at.

For example, if someone has been cheated on multiple times they look for any sign their current partner may be acting the same way their exes have to avoid being as blindsided as they were the first time it happened. The emotions and the memory scar to a point where you’re anxious about everyone. It isn’t just a lack of trust or confidence, it’s in every person in your past who has again proven this will happen again.

When my brain starts churning I want to be wrong. Whether it’s my judgment of a person or a situation, I want to trust people. I don’t want to analyze every detail wondering if there’s more to it. I don’t want to reread texts or wonder if what I said or did was wrong. I don’t want to come up with three scenarios just so I’m prepared for the worst possible outcome. But when that worst possible outcome comes to a head, all I can think about is how I wasn’t crazy and I was right.

There is no worse feeling than that moment you feel something off inside you and you can’t shake it. You can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s an increased heart rate, it’s over-thinking, it’s muscles tensed up and a heightened senses of reflexes, it’s a loss of breath or some breathing exercise to get oxygen into your lungs normally, to prepare you for whatever situation is about to occur. Anxiety is your body physically responding when there is a threat.

And while I wish I could control every rapid thought or just not think so deeply or so much I think the only thing I can do is learn how to manage it.

While I know anxiety will affect every relationship I do have, I hope the people I choose understand and leave me with confidence over doubt. I hope the people I choose constantly are there to remind me they won’t leave. I hope the people I choose remind me what I deserve in those anxious moments I think it’s less and I’m too critical of myself.

I can’t control anxiety disorder and if given the choice, it isn’t something I’d pick, but all we can do is play the hand we’re dealt in life as best we can.

Open Topic

If I Had To Choose, I Rather Be The One Hurt Every Time.

How do you explain to someone you’re everything I could want in a person, only I don’t want you? 

You don’t say it, but you know you could have that person if you wanted and that’s just too easy and too simple. And the truth is, the feelings just aren’t there. 

So you go for someone else who doesn’t have the qualities you admire in this person, but it’s the challenge that makes this other person appealing. 

How do you explain to a person you care about just not enough? And you’ve thought of them that way but you’d rather not. 

You don’t say that because it’s easier for you to choose silence. 

How do you explain to someone I like having you there when everything else goes wrong and you’re the one person I know I can rely on? 

You don’t. Because any right person with self-respect would walk away if you said that. So you keep them at arm’s length when you need them because that’s what is easier for you. 

How do you explain they are just some second thought when someone else cancels or you’re bored? 

Because when you cancel on them, it doesn’t affect you and you know they’ll still be there understanding. But it’s easier for you to live according to your own agenda. 

How do you explain the comfort in attention and texts answered every time when you can’t reciprocate it or care enough to. But you like knowing someone does?

Everyone likes knowing someone cares, so you keep them close enough because that’s what is easier for you. 

How do you explain to someone you’d like to keep acting like you’re a couple with the movies, the dinner and drunk nights ending at 2am where you know the person next to you wants more, but won’t do anything about it and you don’t care enough to make what you think is a mistake? 

You don’t. Because it’s easier to say nothing and float around with the idea of maybe then admit any of this and make things awkward. Because it’s easier for you.

How do you say I’m just not interested? 

You don’t. So you make up another excuse because it’s easier to say you’re busy or BS someone you know would never do the same. You think you’re sparing their feelings.

How do you explain to someone I didn’t answer your text because at the time I didn’t want to talk to you or I was too busy? Because honestly, you just don’t care enough to make them a priority.

But you don’t say those things because it’s easier to say a text didn’t go through, then admit you didn’t care enough to text back when they answer you every time. 

How do you explain the reason you’re sending mixed signals isn’t because you’re confused about them, but rather you are so sure you don’t care but you don’t want to hurt their feelings?

How do you explain that long conversation you had meant nothing to you as you talk to a lot of other people the same way? 

You don’t say that because you know that one conversation might have made their day even though all you did was answer. 

If given the choice, I’d choose being on the other side. I’d choose getting hurt every time.

Because I don’t ever want to be that person who leads someone on. I don’t want to be that person who causes someone else pain. I don’t want to be the reason someone isn’t sleeping at night or walks around with their head down. I don’t want someone to fall for me and mistake love and infatuation as I’m fumbling and confused for the real thing. I don’t want to be the reason people disbelief in love. 

Because I’ve been on both ends and as much as it hurts to be the one hurt, there is a greater pain in looking at someone who you know cares, who you know would do anything for you if you asked, who you know would always be there. 

There is a greater pain in hurting someone who you know would never do the same.

You look at them and there is a pain you see behind their smile because you aren’t giving them what they need. And they look at you and think they are the one not good enough. 

There is a difference between not good enough and not right.

But you can’t even explain that because you know what it’s like to try so hard and try to be good enough for someone. 

You know that defeating feeling of looking at yourself in the mirror and wanting to change for that one person.

So when the ball is in my court and I’m questioning for a moment whether I should play, I put it down and I walk away. Because toying with someone else’s emotions because I’m unsure of my own is the most unkind thing I can do for someone who I know wouldn’t do the same. 

And as we part ways and I slowly fade out of their life, the pain they feel will first come out as anger. 

It’ll be the unanswered text as they send another. It’ll be the message I couldn’t answer. It’ll be the unfollow or unfriend that hurts me to do so. 

But the kindest thing I can do for someone who I don’t care about, is let them go find someone who can.

And we’ll cross paths and it’ll hurt as we walk past one another like we don’t each other at all, but it’s what needs to happen so they get what they deserve and I would have loved for it to be me. But you can’t control how you feel about people. 

So I’ll let them hate me. I’ll let them think I’m some cold-hearted bitch. I’ll let them bad mouth me if that’s what they need to get over me.

Because I would rather hurt someone with the truth then paint lies just so it’s easier for me.