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I Am Not The Same Girl I Used To Be.

I’m not the same girl who used to keep quiet when someone disrespected me. I’m not the same girl who used to shrink into the background. I’m not the same girl who used to get taken advantage of by people who failed to see my worth.

Now, I won’t hesitate to walk out of your life if you hurt me. I won’t do the ‘polite’ thing and keep quiet when you make me feel horrible about myself. I’m not afraid to speak my mind anymore. I’m not afraid to put other people in their place. There’s no reason for me to play the nice girl when people are walking over me with the expectation I’m not going to cause a fuss about it. If you hurt me, you’re going to hear about it — or you’re never going to hear from me again.

I’m not the same girl who used to worry what other people thought of me. I’m not the same girl who used to follow the crowd. I’m not the same girl who used to put my whole heart and soul into fitting in with people who weren’t worth my time in the first place.

Now, I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I don’t care if you consider me selfish or bitchy or unladylike. If you don’t like me, then you don’t have to deal with me. It’s as simple as that. I’m not going to change myself to fit in with the crowd. I’m not going to alter my thoughts and beliefs in order to come across as more likable. I no longer live to please other people. It doesn’t make a difference to me whether you approve of my decisions as long as I’m confident I’m making the right ones. I trust myself now more than ever. I don’t need outside validation in order to feel worthwhile. I already feel that way without anyone else’s approval.

I’m not the same girl who used to believe everything I heard. I’m not the same girl who used to blindly trust anyone who was nice to me. I’m not the same girl who thought the best of people, even after they’ve hurt me time and time again.

Now, I pay more attention to actions than words. I’m cautious about who gets let into my heart. I’m careful not to give out second chances to people who never deserved a first chance. I still pride myself on being a kind person, on spreading love and respect, but I’m no longer willing to spend time with people who bring me down. I’m no longer patient with people who treat me like a punching bag and expect me to stand there and take the abuse. I love myself more than ever, which means I’m more selective about who I let into my heart than ever.

I’m not the same girl you used to know. I’ve transformed into someone completely new, someone you might not like as much but someone I like much, much more.

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This Is How Betrayal Will Change Your Heart.

You haven’t always been this way.

You haven’t always been a body lined with thorns, a heart wrapped in razor wire; hard lines and jaded eyes.

Distant, aloof, guarded.

There was a time you were shades of pastel; when your heart knew love, and trust rested freely upon your fingertips.

There was a time your days were painted with innocence. Where eager eyes gazed at the world with hope and wonder, your heart still shiny and new.

But all of this changed the moment you were betrayed by someone you loved. Someone you trusted. Someone who should have protected you. Someone who hurt you instead. Someone who allowed you to be hurt by others.

There is little else that shatters a heart as much as the pain of betrayal. It tears you open, rips your heart out of your chest. You don’t want to put it back, you want to leave it on the floor to bleed until there is nothing left, until the blood runs dry and you no longer have to feel a damn thing anymore. But you can’t. You have to go on. So you pick your heart off the floor and place it back inside your hollow chest.

Except, the heart that you put back is never the same heart. It is wounded, war-torn. It no longer seeks love, but only to protect itself from the pain of ever being betrayed again.

A heart that is betrayed is changed forever.

No longer will it trust anyone again, but greets every person with reservation and fear; wary of a world that has proven to only take advantage for its own benefit. It remains hyper-vigilant in its desperate need to prove itself right; forever searching for the cracks inside another person that prove they too are unworthy of trust. It needs to know its enemy. It needs to remain one step in front at all times. Kindness is met with suspicion, for your heart has learned nothing comes without a cost – there are always strings, always an agenda. Your heart rejects kindness, remains cynical of it, refuses to accept it. It would rather suffer on its own than accept kindness that allows it to become vulnerable to another.

Your heart no longer knows how to trust itself either, and it makes vows to stay hard, to stay tough. Never will I want again. Never will I need again. Never will I trust again. Never will I love again. These vows are the cornerstones of the fortress it builds around itself, the strongholds that keep the walls in place. It gives up hope of ever being protected and instead learns to protect itself. It becomes a slave to its independence, its autonomy. Here, in its fortress, it is safe. Here, behind its walls, it can remain distant, removed.

Here, your heart can trust itself not to feel. 

For betrayal has taught your heart how dangerous it is to feel. To want, to need. To desire love, relationship, connection. No, your heart must deaden itself to its desires. It must wake each morning with one goal of attack – to kill your hungry soul. To destroy your desires before they destroy you. Your heart cannot afford to want, it is too dangerous, too much of a risk that will lead to being hurt again. This is how your heart stays safe – it refuses to be tempted by love ever again.

Except, your heart was created for relationship. Your heart was created for intimacy. But intimacy is the enemy, the biggest threat. Intimacy requires your heart to be vulnerable, to let someone close. To betray its own desires in the hope it will not be betrayed because of them. Intimacy is the most dangerous of all, and your heart turns itself away and chooses to live without hope of relationship, of closeness, of oneness with another.

Betrayal has changed your heart.

It has damaged your heart.

It has left it powerless, helpless, vulnerable, wounded, damaged, guarded, broken. Your heart can no longer trust, does not trust. It no longer believes in the goodness of anyone else’s heart. It no longer believes it is worthy of being loved, of being protected. It is tired from living in a constant state of anticipation and expectation that it will be hurt and betrayed once more. It no longer wants to love, no longer knows how to love. It has become numb, deadened to its desires, and you tell yourself you are content with this.

That here, you are safe. You are in control. You are untouchable.

Except, you are lonely. So goddamn lonely.

And this is the paradox of betrayal.

You are scared of relationship, yet relationship is the very thing that will heal your heart.

Dear heart, there is a need for you to be safe.

But there is a greater need for you to be loved.

The only way to heal is through love. You must find the courage to pull down your fortress. It has kept you safe. But you have dwelled long enough in your solitude. In your loneliness. It is time to lay down your weapons. Surrender is not defeat, but the end of the fight.

To love is to risk hurt. To trust is to risk betrayal. But you must risk so that you may heal.

Your heart has learned how to stay safe, how to survive.

Now, it must learn how to once again love.

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Tired of Being Taken Advantage Of.

I used to be considered too nice. I was the kind of person who said sorry after every sentence. The kind of person who would offer to drive, even if I was low on gas. The kind of person who would act like my friends were right in every situation, even when it was clear they did the wrong thing. The kind of person who would avoid conflict by saying yes, by doing more for others than I ever did for myself.

I am not too nice anymore. If you act like I am inferior to you, if you treat me like crap, then I will drop you from my life without a word. I won’t give you a warning. I won’t curse you out. I will delete you from my life without taking a glance back at the damage. I am no longer willing to deal with people who fail to see my value. I am no longer accepting subpar treatment.

I am not too nice anymoreIf you need a favor from me, I will not automatically agree to help you. I have learned that I need to take care of my own mental health before I go out of my way to help others. I need to make sure that I am in a safe place. I cannot give you pieces of myself when there is nothing left to give. I cannot break myself apart so that your life is a little more convenient for you.

I am not too nice anymoreI am going to give you my honest opinion, even if it is the last thing you want to hear. I will tell you that you are an idiot for going out with that guy or for leaving that girl. I will tell you what is best for you, even though you might hate me for it. Even though I might lose you over it.

I am not too nice anymore. I only say sorry when it is the honest truth. I will not apologize when someone else bumps into me. I will not apologize for rambling during a long text to a friend. I will not apologize for speaking my mind. I will not apologize for being authentic instead of trying to blend in with the crowd.

I am not too nice anymore. I will not fill my schedule with things that I don’t want to do in the hopes of making other people happy. I will not spend chunks of my time worrying about what those people think of me. I will not give into peer pressure. I will not let others take advantage of me. I will not let them use me. I will not let them make me feel like I am lesser.

I am not too nice anymore. Because I finally see my own worth. I finally know what I deserve. I finally understand that it is not selfish to take care of myself for a change. I am finally living my life the way that I want to live it. 

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When She Loses Faith In You, It Is Over.

She’ll literally look for any excuse to not give up on you.

The thing about people with good hearts is, they believe everything you tell them. Not because they are naive or stupid, but they believe in the good in people. They want to believe everyone is as honest and genuine and has the best intentions as they do.

Even though they’ve seen the world that is opposite, they choose to see the best in people no matter how many times you let them down.

She’ll give chances until you prove her right.

They go out of their way for you and do everything they possibly can for you without thinking twice about it.

She isn’t naive as much as she has faith.

But a good heart didn’t become that way simply because it’s only known good. It’s a deliberate choice every day to go against everything they’ve seen and known.

It’s being the example they might not experience, but they believe in doing right and doing everything you can.

But even the best hearts and the best people get tired.

Their faith is tested. Their character is challenged. With everything they believe in and have followed, they begin to wonder why is the way they are when it ends with them getting hurt every time?

She doesn’t change, she’ll just let you go.

But instead of allowing others to change them, they simply let go of the person who is making them feel inadequate and not good enough. 

And it will kill her to be wrong about you.

When a person with a good heart gives up on you, it’s actually breaking their heart to walk away. They look over their shoulder in hopes they can turn back around and the next chance they give you, will be the right one.

They didn’t leave because they didn’t care they left because they couldn’t keep trying to convince you to care.

And once they realize this, once they realize they’ve done everything they possibly can for you, (which likely is more than most people in your life has done) they stop trying.

There is a fine line people with good hearts walk between trying too hard and self-respect. They respect you which is why they’ve tried so hard, but the challenge comes in respecting themselves more to just walk away.

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He Gave Me Everything I Wanted Him To.

“He will try to take away my pain and he just might make me smile. But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead.” – Taylor Swift 

When your name is brought up, it gets added to a list with many others of stories that didn’t end how I wanted them to.

When I see you, it’s this little reminder of everything I wanted in a person and came so close to getting but didn’t.

And I look at you a little longer, wondering why we couldn’t be.

And I look at your smile and it’s in those moments I know you still have me, if you chose to.

But, you never chose me. You never wanted me the way I wanted you. And I couldn’t keep trying for someone who wasn’t unsure of me, but was unsure of themselves.

If you ask me, do I still love you, the answer is yes. If you ask me, do I miss you, the answer is yes. If you ask me, do I still think of you, the answer is still yes.

But when those thoughts cross my mind and my judgment becomes cloudy and the what-ifs dance in my mind taking me away from reality, I have to bring myself back.

Then I look at him and that’s the reality. 

He’s someone I care for. He’s someone who treats me well. He’s someone who gives me everything you couldn’t.

And I don’t blame you for it. I hold no animosity towards you. I still look at you and think the world of you. But I accept the fact for reasons I might understand later, we weren’t meant to be.

Then I look at him.

And we sit across a table at a meal I know I won’t pay for. I walk through a door I didn’t have to open. I go bed at night with a text I know I’ll get and I’ll never go to bed wondering why aren’t I enough.

I won’t spend hours fixating upon how to word something, and is it wrong.

I won’t wonder how he feels every time a notification comes up, and it’s his name.

I won’t stand in the mirror for hours never feeling not pretty enough or good enough.

I won’t stare at my phone wondering why he didn’t answer.

I won’t be home alone as he cancels.

I won’t go to bed upset waking up at 2am.

I won’t ever have to try so hard, because he’s constantly going all the way.

And if you ask me do I care about him? The answer is yes. If you ask me does he make me happy, the answer is yes. He makes me laugh, smile and feel wanted and needed. He gives me a security you never were able to, as you fumbled through confusion dragging me through your own chaos.

But I’m conflicted between wants and needs. And my heart is heavy because here is someone who gives me everything I need, but I still look at you like you’re everything I want in a person.

And maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe that’s not right.

Or maybe it isn’t until you get what you deserve you stop wanting the things and people who don’t deserve you.

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The Kind Of Guy You Should Stop Waiting For.

The one who makes you feel like your love is too much.

If anyone at any moment makes you feel like what you have to give is too much, then they aren’t the ones deserving of you at your best. Let them go. Even when it hurts to do so. The right person will make you feel whole, they won’t make you work too hard to get the type of love you deserve. 

The one who makes you feel insecure.

If a guy is making you feel like you’re the one not good enough or you’re the one who has to change, change who you’re interested in. The right person will build you up and teach you to see yourself through their eyes.

The one who’s unsure of themselves.

If someone leaves you confused for any moment of the time, it’s because they are unsure of something in their own lives. And you’re going to think it has everything to do with you, and it’s you they aren’t sure of, but there’s probably something in their own life they are trying to figure out. You can’t blame yourself for any of that.

The one who makes you question yourself.

Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t spend too much time worrying about what you have to say or how to word it, don’t think one wrong move will make or break this. The right person won’t even allow any questions to cross your mind. The right person will leave you confident not confused.

The one who doesn’t answer.

Just like you’d answer every time, don’t invest time and energy in someone who doesn’t respect you enough to answer a text or a call. Choose someone who answers every time. Choose someone who calls you back immediately. Don’t wait for someone to answer. Don’t spend time looking at your phone.

If he doesn’t answer he’s sending a clear signal that he doesn’t care.

And if he doesn’t care, you shouldn’t.

The one who plays games.

The right kind of love and relationships comes with one dating rule. There are none. Don’t let someone play you. Don’t let someone mess with your head. Don’t let someone send you mixed signals. Games can only be played if someone else is partaking in it. Ending the game someone is trying to play, is how you win. 

The one who thinks you’ll always be there.

The moment he takes you for granted, stop. That moment he thinks you’re always going to be there for him, walk away. Show him what it’s like to really be without you. If he’s making you wait with the assumption you’ll always be there and he can do what he wants, don’t let him.

The right person will never make you wait because they know your value. They won’t give someone a chance to treat you better than they can. They’ll respect you.

Respecting others and hoping they respect you back is important. Respecting yourself though is most important because how you treat yourself sets the template for how others will treat you.