Open Topic

You Are Blessed, Loved, And Capable.

It’s time you opened your eyes and heart to this truth.

I want you to wake up tomorrow say: “The sun is shining. I am blessed! I am loved! I am capable.

I know you can do this and truly live it. Sometimes you just need a gentle reminder.

Your heart will remind you that you are blessed. Your heart knows the full picture!

It will tell you that you have a heartbeat and that means you’re alive. And loved. And capable.

It will tell you that:

– you have eyes that see and that means you have vision. You know what’s possible. You know you can dream and have the ability to go places you only once dreamed about.

– you have legs that move you and that means you can get up and go, you can leave, you can move in any direction you want.

 you have lungs that breathe. That each breath you take is a reminder that you are alive and growing.

– you have a sense of humor, talent, creativity, imagination, love, empathy, insight. And those things bring people and experiences into your life. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, art, music, nights out, nights in, travel.

And those are pretty simple things, are they not?

Don’t you agree? Don’t you agree that you’re blessed?

But I get that there are things pulling you down in life. I get that.

But you have to believe that despite all that… not even despite it… amidst it… you are still blessed.

Those things. Those disappointments, frustrations, failures, lost relationships, lost love, feeling adrift, confusion… Those things are the very reason why I say you are blessed.

Those things are a lesson. And you’re beyond blessed to have lessons in your life.

Without lessons, you’d be nowhere and nobody. You’d have no conviction, values, vision, emotion. You wouldn’t!

You’re blessed to have lessons in life. Seriously.

You’re blessed to have lessons that remind you of who you are, of who you’ve become but don’t want to be. You’re blessed to have lessons in your life that make you realize you have bad habits, that you’ve lost your kindness, your empathy. You’re blessed to have lessons that remind you that you can and should walk away from bad habits, people and experiences.

Without them, you don’t grow.

You’re blessed to have lessons that not only remind you of who you are and who you are not… you’re blessed to have lessons that heal you!

Lessons that come after a relationship breaks you, after you lose someone you care about, after you mess up and you don’t think you’ll ever come back, after you disappoint yourself so badly you can’t even bear to look at yourself in the mirror. Those lessons heal you and for that reason, you are beyond blessed.

You are blessed because those lessons – even if they take a long time – they show you that you can come back from anything. You can find your footing again, you can find your heart becoming soft again. You can find beauty again in other people, experiences and yourself. You can fix the cracks that you once found too big to fix in your life.

The reminders are all around you. Your blessings are all around you.

Open your eyes, dude!

When you woke up this morning, the sun was shining and before you checked your phone, your email, got out of bed, looked at your to-do list… all was right in your heart.

You didn’t judge yourself just yet. You didn’t think about your day, your stresses, your frustrations, your lack of. No judgment. You were just alive. In your heart. For that moment.

But then your eyes and ears started to tell you of all the things you had to do, people you had to deal with, responsibilities, stress.

Before that the only things you heard in your heart and head was the music of being alive. And that’s the music your soul wants to hear and be reminded of.

Because if you’re honest with yourself, it’s always playing. You are blessed.

You are blessed. Loved. And Capable.

I want you to try your best to remember this truth and let that music play loud in your life.

Let that song of blessings play as loud as it can go in your heart. Let it drown out the stress of life, the things you hear and see. Those things will come up and go. They’ll be good one day and bad another. That’s life for ya.

But the blessing of life – that music – it’s here to stay. It’s here to stay for as long as you have air in your lungs and a beating heart.

And right now you have that. You woke up this morning.

– You have enough money in your pocket right now to eat today. To put a roof over your head.

 You have people in your life who care about you and you have people you haven’t even met yet who will open your heart even more, people you’re patiently waiting for.

– You have health that sustains you. You have your youth, two legs, two arms, eyes.

– You have hobbies and passions and interests that fill your heart with joy, music, movies, art, sports.

But most of all, you have the gift of that first breath you take each and every morning.

You have the gift of looking up and seeing the sunshine in your eyes.

And that is a reminder, a constant reminder that there is a kind, blessed music playing in your life every day you’re alive. It’s a music that reminds you that it’s always there for you to listen to and appreciate, you just have to look for it.

When you do that, I promise you that all those things you worry about, that weight you carry with you… those things will fall into the distance when compared to the abundance of blessings you have in your life – that you now realize you’ve always had and will continue to have.

Let’s go.

Open Topic

I Am Enough.

I am enough.

For me. For you. For anyone and everyone.

What does this mean to me?

Body positivity. I am big enough, small enough, tall enough, hairy enough, bald enough. My body is perfect the way that it is, including any current or future flaws. Everybody is just a body and they are all perfect. It doesn’t matter if I shave, or let my hair grow, it doesn’t matter what clothes I wear or if I choose to put on makeup. It doesn’t matter if my hair is long or short or nonexistent. I am enough.

I am healthy enough. Even when my weight is coming off slowly or fluctuating. Even though I can’t always make it to the top of the mountains I hike. Even though I have anxiety and IBS and high blood pressure and an underactive thyroid. I am healthy enough. I am alive, living, and striving to be better. But my health is not a barrier to my wholeness, even if I need a wheelchair or can’t eat or can’t perform sexually or I’m blind. My body is not all of me. And I am enough.

I am smart enough. It doesn’t matter how far I went in school or how many books I’ve read. It doesn’t matter how many years of experience I have under my belt. It doesn’t matter if I work at McDonald’s or if I’m a neurosurgeon. My education is mine and I don’t need to compare it to anyone else’s. I can always keep learning and growing and doing my best. I am doing my best at the profession I love and the rate of which I am doing that Is enough. My life and brain are not in a race competing with anyone. I am absolutely enough.

I am trying hard enough. I am always working on improving my life, my situations, my circumstances. Sometimes things move quickly, and sometimes things move slowly, but they’re always moving. Some days I don’t make any progress, but this doesn’t negate the fact that I am always trying. I am always trying hard enough.

I am liked and loved enough. Because people flow in and out of our lives at a continuous rate from the day we’re born to the day we die. Friendships come and go, people are born, and people pass. As long as I like myself and love myself, that will be enough. Sometimes I get lonely, and sometimes I am physically alone, Sometimes I am overwhelmed with activities and conversations. The only thing I can guarantee through my entire life is the presence of myself. I will live and love myself enough.

I am enough. There is no need to try to be some stereotypical version of perfection. Society has no influence on my worth as a person. I am not in competition with anyone. And no one can tell me that I am less than or other in any way. Everything that I am trying to do and be, I am doing and being enough. When I want to make improvements, that is my goal and responsibility. No one can make those choices for me without my consent. My happiness is 100% inside of me and I cannot get that from anyone else. I am enough for me. In every way. And being enough for me makes me enough for everyone else, and their opinions on my “enoughness” are irrelevant.


Open Topic

Things I Wish I Could Tell My Depression.

First off, how dare you rob me of what are supposed to be the best years of my life? You ruined the last few of my teenage years and you’re now ruining my life thereafter too. Please, stop robbing me of my youth, stop robbing me of the carefree person that I want to be. Let me go out to parties and bars. Let me stay out way too late and sleep in way too long the next morning.

Let me go on spontaneous adventures with my friends and make plenty of mistakes as well as plenty of memories. Stop suppressing this woman that I dream of being. I’m not going to live forever and so far, you are ensuring that they are the worst years of my life. I thought they were supposed to be the best. I won’t ever be this young again. Please stop robbing me of these years. It isn’t fair.

Second, stop ruining my friendships and relationships with people.
I understand that maybe you want to spend more time with me than I want to spend with you, but please don’t be selfish. Don’t make me stay home when friends invite me out to do things. I don’t care if you tell me that is what’s best for me ‘in the moment’ and that ‘tomorrow, you’ll let me socialize’ because every day is the exact same, no matter what you say the night before.

Thankfully, I have people in my life who are stronger than you and who care more about me than you do, and who, because of that, are willing to stand by me regardless of the hold you have on me. But I love my friends with all my heart, they keep me going, they keep me alive. They make me laugh and smile. They show me glimpses of a life without you. But then every time I come home, you’re right there waiting for me, and it’s as if I never left. And you’ll punish me for going out that one night and make me stay home for the next week to follow. Depression, please stop preventing me from socializing.

You exhaust me so much that by the time I get home from work at the end of the day, I don’t have any energy to fight you off, let alone any energy to actually go out and be a functioning human being. So I don’t. I stay home, by myself, and close myself in, isolating myself from everyone because contact with the outside world makes me so incredibly anxious and exhausted that I lose the ability to function. This is one of the ways that you bring Anxiety into our relationship Depression. You make me dread socializing and then you bring Anxiety in to make me feel worse. Sometimes, you and Anxiety work so well together that I have to turn my phone off and hide it in another room just to make it through the day.

Moving on. In the same broad category of friends, you have turned away any chance of me being with someone who makes me happy, and if I have gotten so far as to actually get involved with someone, you are very quick to ruin that for me. You are immensely unappealing luggage to carry around with me and quite frankly, people don’t want to have to shoulder the burden of you, so they avoid me all together. The fact that you follow me everywhere has ended relationships and turned people away because you are just too much for people to handle.

You make it so damn hard for me to meet, and stay with, someone.
Again, are you just jealous that I spend time with people other than you? Do you hang around me all the time just because you feel like being selfish? Stop ruining relationships. Stop ruining love that comes into my life. It makes me feel worse than I already do. I don’t appreciate you coming into relationships and being a burden to the person I’m with. It’s not very respectful of you to put yourself in front of me when I’m hitting things off with someone. Am I not allowed to be happy? Is that what it is?

Of course it is. Because if I was happy, then you wouldn’t exist.

You’ve also taken over all the hobbies I used to have and all the things I used to enjoy. I used to love to go out and make things with my own two hands. I used to love spending time with my friends and family. I used to love going on random adventures and spending time outside.

I used to love traveling. I used to love a whole bunch of things that I don’t even remember anymore. You’ve taken all of these passions for yourself.
That’s not fair. They’re not yours. Granted, I still enjoy watching Netflix. And I still love playing with my puppy. But sometimes, even those things aren’t appealing to me. You’ve taken every pleasure I had and you’re keeping them to yourself.

You’ve added things to my face and my body that make it so hard that every time I look in the mirror, all I can see are physical manifestations of you. You’ve made me dependent on very strong anti-psychotics and that’s terrifying. They have awful side effects, such as immense thirst and weight gain, and I’ll probably be on them for the rest of my life. They have made me so numb that I can’t feel anything. Yes, it’s good that I can’t feel as sad, but it’s very bad that also can’t feel any happiness or excitement or pleasure that I might have before them.

Most of all Depression, you make me isolate myself. You make me feel as though I’m not worthwhile enough for anyone’s company or attention. You make me feel as though the only person in the world who cares about me, is me. And I’ve come to believe you.

I spend the majority of my life stuck inside my own head because you have made me ashamed and embarrassed of you. You have made me feel as though I am less of a human being. You have made me feel inferior and worthless. You make me look at every other person and think ‘how on earth can I compete with them?’. Depression, you have made me believe that I am the lowest of the low. And because of this, you isolate me, hide me away from anyone but yourself. It isn’t fair.

All in all Depression, you need to fuck off. Please.
You’re robbing me of my youth and of my freedom. You’re taking away my friends and any potential romance. You’re ruining friendships and making me isolate myself. You make me feel like there is nothing in the world that is good and that there is nothing to live for. You make me feel worthless and you have given me incredibly low self-esteem. You make me so exhausted every single day that the most I can do is lie down and sleep. You make me want the day to be over before it has even begun. What kind of life is that to live?

I’m wasting my life because of you. You are making me waste my precious time here living and that makes me so mad. I fight with you every single moment of the day and we get nowhere because as much as there’ll be moments where I think I’m winning, you slip an argument in and you win and take control of me. You need to stop. I don’t want to waste my life waiting until the end of the day when I can go to sleep. I don’t want to spend my time blowing off my friends because I’m too exhausted or anxious to socialize. I don’t want to be alone all my life because you have chosen to turn every guy away from me. I don’t want to be under your control.

You have sucked all the happiness and pleasure and joy and excitement out of everything because that’s what you feed on. Your food is the happy stuff, the exciting stuff, the joyous stuff, the pleasant stuff. You need to consume all that good, wonderful stuff in order to survive. But I need all that stuff in order to survive too.

If I’m happy, you don’t survive. And if you’re happy, I don’t survive. I’ve been fighting and I’m going to keep fighting, mark my words. Only one of us wins. Only one of us gets control. And I’m begging, please let it be me.

Open Topic

You Are Responsible For Your Happiness.

I cannot stress enough on the importance of making oneself happy because you are your own happiness. When you leave your happiness in someone else’s hands, you’ll end up being dependent on them and when they leave you, you’ll become empty inside. For instance, the purpose of having a better half is so that you can share your happiness with them. You’re not supposed to depend solely on them to make you happy. Instead of looking for happiness elsewhere, why don’t we all start to look for it within ourselves?

Happiness is a choice. You have the ability to control your own emotions. You get to decide if you want to stay sour and despondent forever or not. Do not let anything or anyone rob you from your own happiness. Drop the negative people and dramas in your life. Choose to do more activities that’ll bring you joy for as long they are not detrimental to your body and soul.

Happiness is acceptance. Accept you for who you are. Accept that there are things that are beyond your control. Accept the things you cannot change.

There are some things in life that are beyond your comprehension and that’s alright. You don’t need to have full knowledge of everything. Someone dear to me once said that the things you do not know cannot hurt you. So stop looking for answers to everything and adding unnecessary stress to yourself.

Happiness means to be contented in life and to never take anything for granted. It’s important to not only appreciate your possessions, but also the things you do not have. That’s because the things you don’t own could actually be beneficial to you. It’s not wrong to have dreams and aspirations in life, but don’t yearn for more than what you can handle.

Do not wait for a calamity to strike before you learn to be grateful. And remember to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you; it might be the last time you ever see them.

The next time you want to look for happiness, take a look at yourself in the mirror. That reflection is the one who is responsible for your happiness.

Of course there are times when you feel other emotions but all of that should not hinder you from experiencing joy once again because everyone deserves to be happy.  

Open Topic

Deep Well Of Anger.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is probably because you have spent years telling yourself why you should not.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is not because you are filled with rage. It is because you are filled with excuses and justifications and all the words you have had to tell yourself to avoid feeling exactly the way that you feel.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is probably because someone let you down. It is probably because life fell short of the expectations you had for it. It is probably because you feel consistently nervous and uneasy. It is because you are somehow responsible for something that is out of your control.

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is because you are aware of just how unfair life can be.

Sometimes, anger alerts us changes need to be made. Sometimes, it is a messenger. Sometimes, it is a cover up, a shield for the more vulnerable things we are afraid to say we have buried deep down.

But mostly, anger keeps us stuck because anger often wants us to act, when there is no action to be taken. It wants us to lash out when there is nobody to hit. It wants us to fight back when the only enemy is ourselves. 

If you have a deep well of anger within you, it is not because you don’t know what to do about it. You have it because you don’t know how to just let yourself be mad. You have it because nobody has ever let you just be angry without trying to stop you, correct you, change your thinking, and set you on the right path.

So if you have a deep well of anger within you, what you need to do is to tell yourself, I am really, really angry. And I need you to say it, again and again, until it feels so true you burst out into tears and screams. I need you to settle in it, to sink to it, to let it rise and consume you, just for a moment. I need you to allow it to shake you, to move you to the point of feeling hopeless and desperate and everything you are afraid of.

And then I need you to stop every thought that tries to correct you, every inclination that tries to tell you why you shouldn’t feel that way. You already know you shouldn’t feel that way, that’s why this is still a problem. You need to just let yourself be mad, for as long as you need to be mad.

Write it all down, all the ways life robbed you of a bit of your joy. And every time you do, I need you to nod and say, that is a terrible thing I went through, and anyone in my circumstance would feel equally as enraged. I need you to tell yourself the words that the world won’t tell you. I need you to say to yourself now everything you needed to hear then. You are supposed to be angry when you find yourself in situations that are genuinely maddening and unfair. 

I need you to let that deep well of anger diffuse slowly. Because if you do not give it an outlet, it will leak out on its own, but instead of through your tears and words and the quiet solitude of your own bedroom, it will leak onto your relationships, into your job. If you do not give it a place to breathe, it will bleed out onto everything that you love and value in your life, and you cannot let it do that.

So be angry. Be angrier than the world ever gave you permission to be. Be angry for as long as you need to. Be angry every time your anger comes back up again. Do not tell yourself why you shouldn’t, tell yourself why you should. 

Because the more honestly and radically and often you do this, something miraculous is going to start to happen. It is going to pass on its own. Effortlessly, and without much intervention. Within minutes, sometimes seconds, your thoughts will divert to something else and you’ll forget. You’ll suddenly feel sad then disappointed and then you’ll be at the real root of the feeling. And when you let yourself feel that completely? Clarity will come, without you having to try to make it come.

You will see the situation in a light you never have before. You will be overcome with forgiveness. You will accept that it happened, but it is not happening now, and does not have to happen again. You will grieve for the person you were, and hope for the person you are becoming. You will have new eyes, an open heart. You will understand in a way you never have before.

Most people try to shortcut the system. They try to rush to the wisdom and clarity and peace without doing the dirty work, without emptying the well. If you are angry, you have to give yourself permission to feel angry, for as long as you need to feel it.

All of those things you crave? They’ll blossom on their own. But only once you give yourself permission to feel what you really feel, without justifications, without intermissions, without excuses, without reasons, without correction. Feel what it is that’s lingering within you, because that deep well of anger? It’s in place because you’ve capped it off. Let it out, and let yourself breathe.