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What Loneliness Feels Like.

Loneliness is a dark place. It’s like sitting in a room at night by yourself and feeling like this is eternity. It’s like being in a place with a thousand people but feeling invisible to every one of them. It’s like walking on a path without any directions, without any idea when it will end. Loneliness is feeling like you are meant to suffer alone; loneliness is suffering alone.

Loneliness is unnatural; human beings are to be in relationships. Loneliness is fear; there is no freedom in it. Loneliness is anxiety; worry its sister, uncertainty, its friend. Loneliness is endless wonder about endless wondering. Loneliness is cold with no hope for warmth but it is also unbearable heat. Loneliness is an awful paradox.

Loneliness is drowning in a sea or in a crowd of people. It is believing that your existence is insignificant; it is believing that you are meaningless to anyone and anything. Loneliness is tragedy; it is heartbreak and hardship and hurt. Loneliness is being covered in open wounds and scars that never heal. Loneliness is shame.

Loneliness is misery and sorrow; it is grieving with no hope. Loneliness is blinding and deafening. Loneliness is feeling unable. It is feeling discarded, unwanted, and unloved. Loneliness captivates nothing and no one. Loneliness is a bad dream but you cannot be awoken, you do not see the light of day.

Loneliness constricts the heart. Loneliness cripples the body and the mind and the soul. Loneliness is unconscious and numb. Loneliness is endless tears for change – any change that will tell you that you are alive. Because loneliness is dying at every moment; loneliness is death.

Loneliness – flee from it. Flee from it always.

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What Depression Tells You.

Depression tells you, you’re alone.

It tells you, no one likes you.

Depression tells you, everyone you care about is going to leave.

It tells you, this is your fault.

Depression tells you, you’re a burden.

It tells you, you don’t deserve what you want and might never get it.

Depression convinces you to hate yourself.

While trying to tell you everyone else does too.

Depression tells you, you’re doing something wrong.

It’s something you should be able to fix.

Depression leaves you crying alone for reasons you don’t even understand.

It tells you, ‘look how happy everyone else is’ in as you scroll through a news feed.

Depression keeps you up late at night unable to sleep.

Then you wake and struggle to function through a day.

Depression is forgetting normal things like basic necessities.

Then next thing you know, you don’t even remember the last time you ate.

Depression asks you if it’s worth it.

It tells you, you are a failure regardless of what you’ve achieved.

Depression is that state of exhaustion that begins to feel normal.

It tells you to give up and stop trying.

Depression makes you feel like you aren’t a good person.

It tells you, you don’t have friends.

Depression makes you feel like there’s a part of you that is missing.

So seek to find anything that will make you whole or numb.

Depression is that cloud hovering over you, you don’t think will go away.

But most of all, depression lies and it’s job to not believe it. 

What depression doesn’t tell you is, you are loved. You are needed. You are wanted. And it will get better.

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What Heartbreak Actually Is.

Heartbreak is that moment you wake up between a dream and real life and for a brief second, you forget your pain. Then your eyes open and it hits you like the wind has been knocked out of you and need just one breathe.

It’s reaching for your phone and remembering when they used to be every morning text telling you, you’re beautiful. You look at a blank screen and there’s a bit of pain because you wake up to silence and are forced to just carry one. 

It’s looking at your reflection, where it was once with eyes of admiration, you find yourself fixating upon flaws and picking yourself apart. There’s a shift in you, where there used to be confidence, you now doubt yourself and wonder why weren’t YOU good enough that he stayed.

It’s going places alone and wondering about plans, where in the past you always knew you had someone to hang out with. Now you find yourself fidgeting in a crowd, wondering who to talk to because there is no one there who you can retreat in moments of discomfort. 

It’s people asking what happened and you still don’t know. Because you’re still trying to understand it yourself.

And being in public you try to play it off like it isn’t killing you but in everywhere you go and in everyone you see, you wish it were them and they were right there with you. 

It’s breaking down in private because you’ve been strong for too long. 

It’s looking back at pictures and conversations you know you shouldn’t, but you’re just struggling to understand how you went from ‘I love you’ and talk of forever, to strangers who haven’t spoken in days or weeks. 

And you replay it all in your mind, wondering if there is a detail you’ve missed but suddenly this past and these memories that used to make you smile now hurt you to think about. And you have them on replay in your mind because you don’t want to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. Yet everything about them is fading. 

Heartbreak is getting that plus one to a wedding and not knowing who you’re going to take.

It’s that sweatshirt you can’t seem to throw away even though you know you should. 

It’s the jewelry you can’t take off even though it might be for the best. 

Heartbreak are the pictures you keep looking at and that moment that leaves you in tears when they untag themselves. 

It’s watching their stories on snapchat, remembering when you used to be a part of it. 

It’s sending something that they don’t answer and a silence that breaks your heart. 

It’s watching them across Instagram and Facebook and wondering who they are with now. 

It’s wanting to like something but knowing you shouldn’t. 

It’s their name appearing on your screen with a simple like, and your heart drops for a moment and you’re conflicted because you’re glad they did but you wish they didn’t.

It’s something good happening and wanting to share it with them like you used to and regardless of how great the news is, there’s sadness because you can’t tell the only person you want to. 

It’s the tears you cry in the girl’s bathroom when you’ve had one drink too many. 

It’s the text you shouldn’t send. The call you shouldn’t make but your heart is in pieces so you don’t care in that moment.

It’s that moment you see them out and you try to act like it isn’t bothering you, when everything about their presence is infecting you. 

It’s that moment you see them with someone else whether it’s in person or someone new on their Facebook and your heart sinks because they beat you to moving on. 

It’s smiling and laughing louder than you mean to, all the while you’re wondering “do you miss me too?”

It’s the awkward small talk where words are being said but no one is speaking. Because the only real thing you’d like to know is, why did they do this to you? And why did you deserve it? 

Heartbreak is the loneliness of going home alone and the even lonelier moment when you don’t.

Heartbreak is cursing off love, but entirely swearing you won’t ever fall again.

It’s knowing the only person who can fix this is the same one who caused you such pain. 

Heartbreak is that moment you wake up and you don’t cry for the first time in a while. 

It’s slowly getting into the routine of having a life without them. 

It’s putting your heart back together and feeling like you can do this. 

Heartbreak is that moment you meet someone, but then suddenly your phone goes off and it’s them. Everything comes back to you all at once and again you are gasping for a breath because why did they have to come now? 

It’s that moment you meet with them and they come bearing an apology you’ve waited months for. It’s hearing them want you back. Only those words coming out now aren’t what you built them up to be in your head, because it doesn’t make you feel better. Things don’t go back to normal. You realize in that moment they never will be because it’s too late.

And in the process of you putting your own heart back together, you realize you don’t need someone to break your heart to realize your value. You need someone who can value you without heartbreak being a factor.

It’s in that moment you walk away with your head higher than ever because for the first time in awhile, you feel okay without them. For the first time you realize, you’re going to make it.

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Depression On A Bad Day.

“You seem a lot happier than me,” he said. 

“I have my fair share of bad days but I don’t show people that.

Depression lingers. It isn’t always there. He haunts you like a shadow creeping behind your every move. It’s there to remind you on the best day of your entire life, depression will deliberately make the following day your worst.

Depression are the lies it tries to get you to believe about your life. It infects every bit of you like a self-fed poison you can’t even control.

So if you ask me what a bad day is like, this is what I’ll tell you. 

It’s laying in bed unable to sleep as thoughts rush through my mind. It’s with every passing hour thoughts get darker and I’m turning into the version of myself I hate. I contemplate life and if I’m living it to the fullest. Questions run through my mind do I matter? Do people care? Because when you’re asking pressing questions at 2am there isn’t a moment you feel lonelier.

And it’s getting late and my eyes hurt from being open and crying, but my brain won’t shut off.

Then finally exhaustion beats my internal battles and I fall asleep only to wake up moments later. I’m still tired. I’m always tired. And I reach for my phone and another night with four hours of sleep will do.

But I don’t want to get up, I just want to lay there. I question what’s the point? I question am I happy? I question do I like who I’m becoming? I question my job and my relationships and my family? I tell myself I am a burden to those I love and my mind in a depressed state on my bad days believes it.

It’s being emotionally exhausted and how do you explain that to someone?

It’s walking into work on a really bad day and I say a ‘bad day’ without anything bad even happening, sometimes you just wake up and you know it’s going to be one of those days that tests you.

And the kindness of a co-worker is the smallest light that helps me on those days.

It’s the conversation I have with my best friend when I tell him I’m not myself today that something is off. And instead of trying to fix it because there is nothing someone can say to fix depression. Instead, he says “we’ve gotten through the other bad days, this one is no different.”

Depression on a bad day is that moment I break down in private for no reason at all and I feel a sense of guilt for not being stronger or being able to control this thing.

It’s looking at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and hating what I see. It’s questioning who I am. Because depression tells me, I’m not great. I’m lying. It tells me I’m not pretty enough. It tells me I won’t succeed. No one cares. And it’s a silent voice that taunts me.

A bad day are those moments where I physically can’t move and I just lay there for hours.

It’s disregarding every basic necessity and someone having to ask me did I eat today? But on bad days, I forget.

It’s the weight loss people will commend me for or the weight gain they notice immediately. Every bad day or consecutive bad days comes in the form of everything unbalanced.

It’s reaching for anything to numb my pain even though I know it’ll make it worse and I shouldn’t on those bad days.

Depression on a bad day is reaching for anyone of anything that keeps me afloat when it feels like I’m drowning. But at the same time, I don’t want to feel like a burden to my loved ones. Even though it’s them that keeps me going.

It’s the smile, hug, and conversation from the guy who has a piece of my heart and on every bad day, he’s what I look forward to.

It’s the time I know I’ll spend with my family soon, and even though I don’t say it often, I love them

It’s the time I’ll spend with friends even though depression tries to convince me I don’t have any.

It’s the want and need to lift others up and make them feel better because that’s what beats a bad day. 

It’s every picture I look back at when I’m alone. And everyone always asks me why I take so many pictures in moments where I’m truly happy.

A bad day doesn’t last forever, this I know. But those bad days have a way of testing everything about me. But I know the truth.

I know depression is a lie trying to make me believe these false realities.

And on those bad days, I know it’ll be a battle very few see, but it’ll be one I never stop fighting because while the bad days make me feel like everything in my life is horrible, it makes me appreciate every good day even more.

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Do Not Play His Game.

“You make it way too easy for him, you know?” my brother said as we left the bar. 

And he was right. 

I was painfully easy to read to a point it might have been a flaw. I couldn’t control my facial expressions or tone in moments of disappointment if I tried.

I was unapologetically myself, it might have made me look bad. 

But if the worst thing someone could say about me is that I feel things too deeply, I care too much and I’m not afraid to show it, I think more people should follow my poor example.

I could tell you everything you’re supposed to do…

1. Ignore him.
2. Delay your response in a text.
3. Try to make him jealous.
4. Be a bitch.
5. Give him a taste of his own medicine.
6. Be the one that cares less.
7. Confuse him a bit.
8. Don’t try so hard.
9. Make it a game that’ll he’ll lose. 

Those are probably all really good things to follow if you think dating should be a game. If you play by these rules, the game of cat and mouse will be a tedious one that includes running in tireless circles.

But the thing is, regardless of how ‘good’ you might be at the dating game, the person that gets remembered most isn’t the best player, but rather the one who doesn’t play at all. 

What will separate you from others isn’t your ability to be coy in every move. What will separate you from others and what guys will remember isn’t the girl who played hard to get, but rather the one who played according to her own rules.

The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, even if she shouldn’t have is who he remembers. The one who was painfully honest and built others up saying exactly how she felt. The girl who didn’t give up on the guy who constantly let her down. The girl who stood there holding back tears in her eyes with one conversation and instead of cursing him off the way he might have deserved, she handled it with grace and didn’t allow the circumstance to say something she might have regretted.

This is the girl who walked away with no unkindness, and no resentment and this is the type of girl people regret letting go. This is the type of girl people hate themselves for hurting.

This is the type of girl who hears everything she’s ever wanted just a few years too late. But this is the type of girl that guys don’t forget.

If you want to be remembered and if you want to be that girl he regrets, don’t play his game.

Because I can tell you from first-hand experience, I could have cursed people off. I could have given them a taste of their own medicine. I could have hooked up with their best friend out of spite. I could have ignored his texts or calls. I could have played it like I didn’t care but none of those things are me.

Treating someone the way they treat me just so I can get the upper hand, doesn’t make me look at my reflection confidently. What does though is being the example they should follow in how you treat someone.

Because there is nothing better than sitting across the table from the person you loved with everything you had, and hearing them say you deserve better. 

There is nothing better than receiving a hand-written letter from the same person who made your life hell and reading, “I’m the person I am because of you.”

There is nothing better than walking with someone who used to give you butterflies with a simple look and hearing them say, “if I could go back in time I would have changed everything and if I could now I’d choose you.”

There’s nothing better than talking to that one person and you leaving them speechless simply because you were yourself.

There is nothing like the self-respect of walking away with your head high not because you were better than every other girl, but the confidence in knowing you didn’t even have to compete with them at all.

Girls play games and compete with one another. Women don’t.

Playing that dating game might ensure you don’t get hurt as often. It might teach you to be guarded and protect yourself. It might help you to be as cold as others and you might think you have the upper hand. But the dating game won’t lead to love.

Fucking with people just so you don’t get fucked will end with you being alone anyway because you’ll be so worried about every move and every word, the relationship will fade out and you’ll be just another name on a list he forgets.

But if you want to be remembered, if you want to be the person he regrets, that requires you to put everything you’ve been told aside and follow what feels in your heart to be right.

Maybe dating is a lot more simple than we make it out to be, and maybe everyone has forgotten that. 

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When A Good Heart Gives Up On You.

This is the honest truth about people with good hearts…

I will always forgive you if you say sorry.

And sometimes I might even forgive you when you don’t.

I’ll give you a million chances. 

Just so you can prove that I was right about you.

I’ll believe every lie and excuse you tell me.

And I’ll even make up excuses for you sometimes.

If I decide I care about you, I will give you 100%.

I won’t meet just meet you halfway and hope you’re there.

I will go anywhere and do anything for you.

I won’t give up on you even if you give me every reason to.

Give me a bad person and I’ll tell you they are misunderstood.

And I will find good in them because I try to find good in everyone.

I will put you first even before myself sometimes.

And in those moments where I’m lifting you, you won’t see that I might be drowning under the surface.

The word ‘busy’ isn’t one I know. 

I will always try to be there.

I will always strive to never let you down.

Even if that means going well out of my way for you, I will.

I will always make time for you even when you might not do the same.

I will always keep my word.

And I’ll always be someone you can rely on.

I don’t say things I don’t mean.

And I’ll always be honest with you.

I’m not afraid to care. I’m not afraid to show it. I’m not afraid to be sensitive.

I won’t make you work for my time, attention or love.

Because I don’t think those things are something you have to work for.

It’ll come very easily.

If you are good to me, I’ll be even better.

If you’re bad to me, I won’t treat you the same way.

I’ll love you deeply because I think you deserve it.

But if ever there’s a day a good heart like mine becomes tired and I can’t keep trying anymore, that’s it.

And it’ll break my heart to walk away from someone I care for.

But everyone has their breaking point.

And I might love freely and care too much, but I’m no fool.

And it might take me a while but the day a good heart gives up on you, should be the day you fear most.

Because on that day, you will have missed out on the rarest person you’ll come across in your life.