Open Topic

Heartbroken, But Getting Over You.

I remember a time when I’d fall asleep crying myself to sleep. You’d meet me in my dreams that haunted me. I’d wake up and there was a pain that physically hurt. Wanting to just lay in bed and dwell over a relationship ending. A relationship in which I truly believed you were the one. Overcome with a loss that felt more like mine than yours. I guess that’s what happens when you love someone more than they loved you.

I’d go out drinking and my friends would watch me take shots with no chaser knowing the night would end with my crying talking about you as they held back my hair and I vomited. I’m not proud of the things I did to try to forget you. Drowning myself in anything I could, only to realize you were with me everywhere.

Looking at my phone wanting to text you, knowing I shouldn’t but doing it anyway. Another fight full of hateful words where it was like we were trying so hard to hurt one another more than we might have already. 

Turning into a complete psychopath trying to do everything I could to not let go. I think it’s only really love when you act crazy trying to revive it. Doing everything you possibly can to win them back. 

You’ll realize later it’s not supposed to be that difficult. 

Going on dates wishing it was you sitting across from me. Apologizing to the person in front of me because they tell you to date, but what happens when you aren’t ready for it? 

Hooking up with people just because and realizing a physical relationship puts a band-aid on it for a moment, but then I’d wake up even more lonely.

Wondering how something so good turned me into someone I wasn’t. 

What everyone fails to realize at the end of relationships are, the really intense and emotional ones end badly because there is no graceful way to end something was good. 

The days that went slow and people trying to comfort me, but there wasn’t anything anyone can say to change what had happened. 

Working out more than I ever have in my life because I thought if I changed, I could win you back. 

It was seeing you everywhere. In every song. On every street. In every place. Waking up and remembering when you used to lay right next to me. 

Everyone said give it time and I would heal. 

But when you are heartbroken and getting over someone, time feels like it’s completely frozen and there is no moving on and even if you try to, the thought of them not in your future and in your life makes you feel so empty. 

I talked to anyone who will listen as if replaying things like that would help me to understand why it ended in the first place. 

Waking my friend up at 3am because I had never been that sad before in my life, and I was scared of what this pain turned me into.

That’s heartbreak and your first one, that one that really brings you to your knees and changes you. 

There isn’t a pain in the world like it, and there isn’t anything someone including myself can say to make it go away or make you heal faster. 

But one day, you are going to wake up and it’s not going to hurt as much, and you aren’t going to think about them as often. And you’ll watch yourself start to heal. 

You’ll hear your song and it won’t make you cry. 

You’ll date again and see parts of them in others and smile.

You’ll see pictures and remember how good it was at one point, and be happy to have even had that. 

Then they come back. Because when it was real love at any point, they always have a way of coming back into your life. 

And maybe it won’t turn into another relationship or trying again. Maybe you’ll just try to be friends. Maybe you’ll look back at it all laughing. History has a way of bonding people. I truly believe you always find your way back, if the feelings were true and genuine.

You’ll realize though what’s changed is you, and you don’t want them back. A part of you will always love them and love what you had, but you aren’t that person anymore. 

They’ll text you and hit you up. Once upon a time that would have made your stomach flip a hundred times as you carefully crafted what to say back. Now you pick and choose when to answer. 

This person compliments you and your attitude that might have been filled with hope if they said that a while ago is replaced with a confidence of ‘I know.’ 

You get over them and it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but you’ll realize you really can live, function and thrive without them. 

Those desperate attempts you made trying to win them back, will be just lessons learned, because you’ll realize you’re the one who deserved more. 

And when enough time passes, they are going to start to miss you too. Miss the way you made them feel about themselves because you loved them so honestly and with everything you had. 

And they are going to tell you everything you always wanted to hear. But everything they say is going to be a little too late because they had their chance.

Then what is going to happen is you choosing to walk away?

You look at yourself in the mirror and realize you made it and you did it without them.

Open Topic

To The Girl Who Was Emotionally Abused.

To a girl who was emotionally abused, love is something she has a hard time defining.

Her abuser changed her perception of reality. He used to say he loves her at one point, and soon after, that he would call her names and say the meanest things.

He used to hug her and kiss her, then scream at her and break the plates as they would fight. Everything was always her fault.

He got so good at playing the victim that she really looked for the problem inside of herself. She thought that she needs to change. She thought she was the cause of her unhappiness.

You see emotional abuse made her think that she wasn’t good enough.

It made her think that she isn’t worthy of love and that most of the things that happened to her, were somehow her fault.

It took her a long time to realize that it was never about her. She rebuilt her life.

She worked on her insecurities and got her self-esteem back. She gradually learned to love herself again.

Emotional abuse made her guarded.

She found her inner peace. She renewed her life. She became happy all on her own, and it took her so long to get there that she is scared to lose it.

She is scared that somebody will hurt her again, take her back to the start, and that all her efforts will have been in vain.

She keeps telling herself that not all men are her ex. That they are not all the same. But she can’t help being scared.

That’s why she needs someone she feels safe with.

She needs someone she can trust. That’s why she believes in taking things slowly and creating that trust with her partner.

Trust is no longer something she gives out freely. It needs to be earned.

She needs a man who will get that. A man who won’t mind reducing the pace and be everything she needs.

If she finds that man, she will lower her guard and not a minute sooner.

She needs someone who will make her stop fighting her feelings.

She is afraid to let herself go and really and truly feel. That’s why every time she sees that she is getting to close and too attached to somebody, she backs down.

She pulls away, but she hopes that he will hold her tight. She hopes that he will reassure her and tell her that everything will be ok.

When she finds someone like that, maybe she will give love a chance, but not a moment sooner. She wants to feel as safe as possible before taking the risk.

She still believes in love, and she still craves it, but she has higher standards now.

If there is a silver lining in everything that she has been through it, is that she learned just how strong she is and that she needs to love and appreciate herself more.

She learned those lessons the hard way, but at least now she has no problem with letting go when she sees the red flags of toxic and abusive behavior she has endured.

She would never again tolerate something like that again. She raised the bar, and her standards are higher now. She is not being unrealistic. She just knows what love should never look like.

She knows that love shouldn’t feel like torture. She knows love shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself. She knows that love shouldn’t lead you to emotional death.

She knows love should be kind and supportive. She knows that love adds to your happiness. She knows that love doesn’t hurt. She knows that love makes you fly.

Open Topic

Tired, But Holding On.

Hey Stranger,

I know you think we’re nothing more than this, two strangers who have nothing in common whatsoever, but I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong. I know more about your life and the way you feel than you could imagine.

I know your alarm wakes you up every morning and you snooze it and roll onto the other side of your bed because you’re not ready to get up just yet. I know that your bed feels so much better than going out in the world. I know how tired you’re feeling even before you get up out of your bed.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know you’d love to have fun, but it takes so much energy from you. I know you’d love to make other people laugh and I know you’d love to laugh from the bottom of your soul until your stomach aches, but you haven’t done this in a while. You haven’t done it because you forgot how.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know you don’t see the point in living anymore because you can’t find one thing you love about your life. Everything seems so disposable and so irrelevant. Everything seems so far away from your reach. All you want seems so distant and as if it was never meant to be yours.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know you want to pause the world and make it quiet for a while. And I know you want to make everything just still for a second so you can catch your breath. I know you want to pause the world to take some rest and to be able to catch up with it. I know you’re feeling stuck and you have no idea how to move forward.

I know because I’ve been there.

I know your head is a mess. I know that you feel like you’re not enough. I know you’re tired of trying, but not getting any credit for it. I know you’re tired of getting put down, tired of mean people, tired of backstabbers too. I know you’re tired of crying and tired of your own insecurities and tired of being tired as well.

I know you’re tired and I know how tired looks, because I’ve been there too.

But do you know what the best thing is about feeling the way you feel? Your life is a paradox and you’re not even aware of it. See, you wake up every morning having no idea how you’re going to make it, and yet you manage to make it through the day over and over again.

I know you don’t see it now, but I swear you’re way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your bravery deserves a medal. You probably don’t think you did anything extraordinary, but that’s where you’re wrong the most.

You get up every morning and you try. You try even when you’re tired. And despite the fact that you’re emotionally and physically drained, you still haven’t given up.

You’re a true fighter, you know? You’re not a fighter in the normal sense of the word, you’re even a bigger fighter than that. You’re a fighter because you fight yourself every day. You’re a true fighter because the worst battles are those we fight within ourselves. And you have fought and won so many of those.

You might feel like you’re on the edge now, but you don’t have to fall. You don’t have to let your life slip through your fingers. You still have a choice. Happiness is not a feeling, it’s a choice and you can choose to feel happy.

Life played a little game with you. It did the same thing to me as well. It said: You’re gonna be happy but I have to make you strong first. And I know you’ve been through hell. But you know what the silver lining is here? You’ve been knocked down to the very bottom. And the only way you can go from the bottom is up. Now is your time.

It’s time to admit to yourself that you deserve more. It’s time to admit to yourself that you’re good enough. It’s time to embrace life and to actually get up in the morning promising that you’ll try to love everything that day has to offer you. It’s time to stop feeling like it’s all your fault, and to stop convincing yourself how you’re not good enough.

You’re the master of your own fate. You’re the one in charge. You’re the captain of your life. You’re the sky and everything else is the weather. You’re the only constant in your life and everything else is pretty much changeable.

Whatever you’re feeling now will fade away. And one day, you’ll look back on your life and laugh about how you allowed yourself to be affected by so many irrelevant things. One day, you’ll be in such a good place that you won’t understand that you are now.

Just hold on just a little longer please because I promise you there are better days ahead of you. You probably wonder how I know? Well, I know because I’ve been in your shoes. And I know there is more to life than you’ve got right now. 

Take all the time you need to fill your batteries. Pause your life for as long as you want. But please never lose hope. There is something greater coming your way. Life is just testing you to see if you’re truly ready for it. Show everyone what you’re made of. 

Open Topic

Our Silence.

Our silence doesn’t mean we are weak.

A lot of people think they can walk all over those who are quiet and timid. And maybe we will let you get away with pushing us around sometimes but not always.

We just choose the right battles.

When something isn’t right or someone is getting hurt, we will be the first going to bat for them. We fight for the things that matter and we fight for the things we believe in.

Our silence doesn’t mean we are judging you…

There’s this misconceived notion that quiet people are judgmental, as they just sit there taking everything in. The truth is, sometimes our silence makes us insecure. Sometimes the person who brings a lot of energy to the room and is the center of attention, intimidates us, because we know we could never be that person even if we tried.

Sometimes we hope you aren’t judging us.

Just as you think we’re judging you, we’re overcome with fear that you’re judging us.

Our silence isn’t us thinking we are better than you.

When we’re quiet, there’s an assumption that we’re choosing to be because we don’t want to be bothered, or we’re snobby and think we’re better. That isn’t the truth at all. And if you got to know us, you’d realize we are the most down to earth level headed people you know. 

Sometimes we are listening to learn.

The quote by Epictetus, ‘we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak,’ is our life. We know we will gain more taking everything in than we ever will talking.

Our silence isn’t because we don’t like you.

Quiet people have this rep that they don’t like anyone. But we’re so in tune with people simply by observing, we see the looks we get, we see the rolling eyes, we hear what you’re actually saying when you say it only to be nice. People who are quiet, will be the first to know you don’t like them.

We just won’t say anything if we know you don’t like us.

And if we know you don’t like us, we aren’t going to try to win you over or say things you don’t even want to hear, we’ll just choose silence.

Our silence doesn’t mean we don’t have anything to say.

Quiet people have a million thoughts running in their head at once. But we’ve mastered the art of knowing not everything we think, needs to come out of our mouth.

But we will speak when it’s important.

We don’t understand people who talk just to hear themselves talk. Because the things we do say, even if it’s few and far between, probably have more weight and value than that noise.

Our silence doesn’t mean we’re unhappy.

Quiet people aren’t the most unhappy ones in the room.

Sometimes we are just enjoying the moment.

We just don’t openly express happy moments verbally but in our heads, we are counting our blessings and showing appreciation.

Our silence doesn’t mean it’s okay.

If ever we fight, we might choose to be silent. The truth is, we are still trying to understand everything that might have hit us at once. We won’t let our emotions cloud our judgment, and we don’t want to say things out of anger we might regret.

Sometimes we are really upset and don’t know how to deal with it.

Being alone with our thoughts is the best way to handle a situation before it needs to be addressed. In fact, being alone we don’t mind at all. 

Our silence doesn’t mean we are pushing you away.

Sometimes quiet people are simply waiting for someone to ask them what they think or ask to hear what they have to say.

We just hope you are the one to pull us in.

We are just waiting for someone who cares to let us into their world first.

More than anything we want someone who understands us, even when we aren’t speaking. But we know we aren’t easy. We know we might have walls up. But more than anything, we want to trust you and form a deep connection, it just takes us a little while to get there. 

We’ll always be someone you can trust and confide in.

Whether we are friends or not, if you turn to us and need help, we’ll listen without judgment. We’ll speak trying to find solutions. And we are the best secret keepers, so when you tell us something in confidence, we’ll respect that.

Remember not everyone or everything is what it seems.

Most the time the first impression you have of someone who is quiet is so wrong. Give them a little bit of a chance because what you do you’ll realize sometimes the quietest people add the most value to the worlds they choose to have a voice in.

Open Topic

Loving Someone.

Love comes unexpectedly. It comes when you don’t think you’re ready. It comes when you’re still hurt and getting over something in the past. It comes into your life absurdly shaking up everything you’ve come to know. And before you can even understand what is happening, you’re already head over heals, falling fast hoping and praying to God someone will be there to catch you or better yet, fall with you.

I didn’t plan on falling in love. In fact, everything about you entering my life when you did, wasn’t how I wanted it to be.

I didn’t want to meet someone and I swore I was better off alone.

There were so many factors and so many reasons I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you.

That’s the thing about love, we think it’s a choice.

We think we pick who we love and it goes from there. Love chooses us whether we’d like it to or not.

I think I just woke up one day and realized it was you. It had always been you.

I woke up and realized if I could have you by my side every day, I’d be the luckiest person in the world.

There is a moment before you realize it’s love you flirt with the idea jokingly, as they have been a thought more often. Then it hits you between the eyes how in deep you are. After that, there is no going back.

Maybe it’s a look that you used to not think much of, but now it makes you fall to your knees. Maybe it’s a conversation where you used to wonder, now you know with certainty. Maybe it’s the tone that’s changed in your voice when you speak about them, then you realize you’re looking for any reason to bring them up in conversation. It’s people seeing it in your eyes. The look of someone who has fallen completely in love without meaning to. Then you utter those three words first admitting it to yourself then others and you question if you should admit what you now know, is so strong and so true.

That realization suddenly makes them every thought in a busy every. Every first conversation you want to have when you wake up. Every last one you hope to have. That realization makes everyone else invisible around you. And no matter who you meet, loving this person puts them at a level that surpasses even the greatest of people you may know.

Because the art of loving someone transforms a normal person into perfect. Loving someone makes you dismiss every flaw they may have and replace it with an acceptance. Loving someone teaches you what being selfless really is, because here’s this person standing before you and you’d do anything for them.

Loving someone comes with the risk of knowing they can completely destroy you but you take that chance anyway, overcome with more hope than fear.

That’s what love really is, a hope and a faith within someone other than yourself.

So no I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, but once I did, there was no denying what was true. There was no trying to hide an obvious feeling.

I didn’t choose this. And I don’t know who to thank for it, but I look at you every day and I’m happy to be alive just knowing I’ve had the chance of loving someone like you. My simplistic hope and what I continue to pray for is it’s not just me that has fallen.

Open Topic

You Hurt Me, But I Still Love You.

I don’t understand how love works. You hurt me so bad and I’m still the most “in love” person I know.

The pain you cause me impales my chest and my love for you still swells up in my heart at an alarming rate. How is that humanly possible? How i it possible that the one person who makes me most happy in life can also be the person who hurts me so much, and why wasn’t I taught that love is this painful?

If anything, I love you more now and I’ve come up with a theory. It is that it takes hurting the person you love and almost losing them to bring them closer to you and it’s sickening, but it is true. It took you hurting me and me considering packing my bags, even though my love for you is undeniable, to make you realize that you need me just as much as I need you and I’m heavily confused.

The pain you make me feel is akin to the breaking of all my bones and I can’t find it in myself to say I love you any less because it is not true.

I want to push you away from me just as much as I want to pull you in and cry into your neck with your hands wrapped around my back. I hate you, at this moment, just as much as I love you and I feel like my heart and brain are in a whirlwind. My heart a glass castle and my brain the kid who carelessly throws stones in it.

My heart aches for your love and aches because of the pain you cause it and I don’t understand it at all. It is confusing, a labyrinth and I’m exhausted.

Loving you this much and hating you furiously for hurting me at the same time is one of the hardest things I’ve ever felt, because there is no way of sorting things out when your mind is this scrambled.

Open Topic

Hurt Me.

Hurt me, because it will be easy. I will let you do it without raising any complaints. I will not even wait for an apology before offering you a second chance. I will allow you to walk over me without a word because the alternative would mean speaking up to you and potentially losing you. I would never take that risk. I would rather watch you betray me, listen to you lie to me, feel you growing distant from me without calling you out on any of it. You could do anything you want to me and I would take it. I would convince myself you were worth the pain, worth every single sorrow. Even better, I would convince myself I was the root of the problem and leave you blameless.

Hurt me, because no matter what you put me through, I will not walk away from you. I will stay for much too long. I will fight for you. I will tell myself things are going to get better in the future, that you will change once you realize how many hardships you have put me through. I will lie to myself in order to make it seem like keeping you around is a good idea. I will fool myself and everyone around me into thinking I am okay.

Hurt me, because nothing you do can be worse than what I have been through in the past. I have been ghosted. Led on. Cheated on. Lied to. Betrayed. I have lost people who swore they would never leave. I have been abandoned. I have had my trust broken. I have had my heart broken. I am barely whole. I am struggling to keep myself together.

Hurt me, because I expect you to do it anyway. I know it is coming. When it happens I will be disappointed, but I will not be surprised. I am a pessimist. I am a skeptic. I do not believe in true love or forever— at least, I do not believe it is meant for people like me.

Hurt me, because you will not get in trouble for it. I will not make you explain yourself. I will not make you fall to your knees and plead for my forgiveness. I will not even allow you to see how upset you have made me. I will act like I am completely fine. I will shrug and tell you everything is okay in order to look like a cool girl. The kind of girl without emotions.

Hurt me,because I do it to myself each and every day. I look in the mirror and criticize my reflection. I step on the scale and then starve myself in the hopes another number will appear tomorrow. I date the wrong people because I am under the impression I am never going to find someone who treats me right. I punish myself, because deep down, I hate myself. I have heard I deserve happiness a million times but I have never believed it. I don’t think I ever will.