I’m not sure where to begin with this post nor do I know what I am exactly feeling. I’ve been feeling mixed emotions lately. One minute I’m happy and outgoing, and the next I’m depressed and just want to cry. I’ve been holding onto a lot of anger that I don’t know how to let go of.
I admit my past wasn’t the best, I’ve made a lot of poor choices, and there are some things I do regret and still holding onto such as my past choices, and other things I don’t regret such as my addiction because it made me the person I am today. Strong! But, I carry the label “addict” and I will always be labeled “addict.”
I have so much anger towards people in my life because I felt I was being ignored, also because they wronged me when I needed them the most. I am also still being judged by family as the person I used to be. And I feel like this still today. I feel I don’t belong and I feel lost. I never spoken of my feelings to anyone because I have a hard time expressing myself and I’m afraid of being judged because of my past. Everyone sees me as the person I was THEN and not who I am NOW, their lose. Nobody thought I would change or quit using drugs, but I proved them all wrong and I’m going to keep proving them all wrong.
I feel disconnected from everyone, even myself. I think about suicide quite a bit and think everyone would be better off without me here, so they don’t have to carry all this baggage I been carrying my whole life. I feel like a burden on their lives. I been told when I was younger to find my voice and I would get yelled at for not having one. Well as I got older, I finally found my voice and whenever I speak, everyone still gets angry at me because they don’t like or can’t handle how blunt and honest I am and they think I’m lying. Which infuriates me. So, I can’t win either way.
I have so much trauma in my life that it effects my everyday life. When I was 14 years old I was repeatedly raped for 3 years by a family member. When I was 15 years old, my mother and father split up because my father was having an affair, and I remember laying on the couch severely depressed, not wanting to talk to anyone or going to school. I just wanted my father back, he came back home when I turned 16. Now I hold a lot of resentment towards him because he was someone who I looked up to, he was my hero. I can’t image how much pain my mother felt. When I was 18 years old, I was 7 weeks pregnant and the guy I was with made me get an abortion, so I did. Then later I came to realize he wasn’t the father. When I was 22 years old, I got married and became pregnant again. Only this time it was an ectopic pregnancy (embryo outside of the uterus). Now today, I really want kids but can’t have them naturally, I have to have a procedure in order to have children, which is very expensive. And no one wants to have kids with me for that reason.
So my dream of becoming a mom is crushed. So this is why I am a fur baby mom, LOL.
All this trauma and in my life effects me everyday and I have flashbacks all the time. I don’t know how to erase these painful moments from my mind. It’s like a tornado in my brain. I wish I could go back to when I was 14 years old and start my life over from there, but the damage has already been done. It is what it is.
I was in counseling but I was never open and honest. So, I know I need to go back because I am ready to open up and express how I been feeling. I need someone to talk to so I can hopefully release all this pain and anger I have raging inside me. I’ve been praying to God everyday hoping he can give me a sign and answers to find happiness, but I know I’ll never find it because I am so far gone with all this pain, I am damaged for life.
I wish I had all the answers as to why did all this happen to me. I am an intelligent, well educated woman and had a good up bringing, so why was I the one chosen to suffer through all this pain? I think because I felt ignored, so I did things out of anger and to get attention. I still feel like that today. I also feel alone and that has to be one the worst feelings ever.
I need to find myself and let go of all this anger in me and move past all of this, but I don’t know how or where to begin. I strive everyday to be a better person than I was yesterday, but I feel like my life is at a standstill. I know life gets harder before it gets easier, but I feel my life was easier when I was a full blown addict. Even though I have thoughts everyday of going back to that life, I never have the guts to do it because I worked really hard to be where I am today. One of the biggest thing about life is whether to walk away or try harder.
When I got my life together, I got a very good job at a hospital I been trying so hard to get into. But my depression and PTSD has been really bad that I had to take a leave of absence. I been out of work since November, but luckily I am still getting paid for my time off. I also applied for Social Security Disability that I pray I get so I can continue taking care of me and getting back into therapy full time. Some people don’t understand that my number one priority is my sobriety, not them! If they can’t accept that, then they don’t belong in my life because I will never put anyone above or before my sobriety.
I think I been doing my best to take of me. I’ve been taking my meds everyday and I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a warm bed and my own car. But my best isn’t good enough for some people. Some people say I need to change, well, hello! I made the biggest change in my life by getting clean and I am making changes EVERYDAY. So it’s them who needs to change. I can’t believe anyone would have the nerve to even say such a thing like that to me. I am an overthinker and I can’t help it, but I get jealous of some people because they have the life I always wanted. Obviously, I am very unhappy with my life, but like I said, at least I have the things I need. And I am thankful for that.
I can go on and on with post, but I just had to vent alittle and let some feelings out. Blogging has been one the best things I’ve done because I can express my emotions and not be judged. It’s like another form of therapy for me. But I would like to take a moment to thank all the people who have been there beside me thru my whole journey and have been my support system. Even though I feel like I have been doing this journey alone. But I know I am not alone because there are people out there who are just like me, and some made it, some haven’t. But I want you all to know that there is hope and if you keep working the program, you can make it. But you have to want it!
I say the Serenity Prayer every night before going to bed and I inhale and exhale praying tomorrow will be a better day.