I still remember the day when I met you, you looked like the man I had been waiting for my whole life. You were generous, kind and had the most beautiful smile ever. Too bad that from your sweet mouth there were so many lies that I couldn’t imagine anyone could say.
You know, I really didn’t see you coming. You just appeared in front of me and I thought to myself that God himself was sending you to save me from myself. But, as always, I was so wrong. You came into my life just like you could feel my wounds that were still bleeding. You were like a wild animal that was feeding on someone’s flesh. And that was what you did to me. You came and you knew my whole story. You knew that I had been through hell and back and that the last thing I needed then was someone who would take advantage of me. I still remember the day when I told you about the man who totally ruined me and just walked away. You said to me that I didn’t deserve that and that he was stupid for letting me go.
You said that I was too perfect for someone like him and if I wanted, then he would try to heal all those cracks and scars in my heart. And in my head, there were so many mixed feelings but above, all I wanted was to be loved. And I gave you a shot because I needed someone to make me feel better. I thought you were a real man for that but I was so wrong. I can’t blame myself because you were such a damn good actor. You found a way to deceive a girl who loved you.
You said that you would never hurt me. You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did! You beat me to emotional death by doing all those bad things to me. For you, I was the perfect victim because someone had already hurt me. You just came and finished the job. That was a way for you to feel superior. Well, let me tell you something. In love, there isn’t anyone who is superior. In love, both people are equal in all that they do. In love, there is nobody above you or beneath you but instead they are beside you, where your heart is. Oh wait, that is something that you obviously don’t have. Because if you had a heart, you wouldn’t have hurt me so badly.
I just don’t understand why you did all that to me. Why all that cheating, name-calling, emotional and physical abuse and gaslighting? What did you want to get out of it? Someone who would listen to you blindly? Don’t you know that I already did that because I loved you? You didn’t have to do all those nasty things to me. I just wanted you to love me but you couldn’t do even that. Because in your own way, you were broken too. But like any man, you were too proud to admit that. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. And that was a mistake we both made.
We both wanted to get love from another person but in fact, we just had to love ourselves to be healed. I admit my mistake and I know that I won’t repeat it anymore. In all this mess called life, I have learned so many things, though I learned all of them in a tough way. I learned that I shouldn’t have to believe in all your lies that you told me just to get into my bed. I learned that I should first respect myself so others can do that as well. I learned that I can’t force love to come into my life but I have to wait for it. Because if I force something, it might not be the right thing. I know that from my experience with you. I wanted someone to be with me so badly but it turned out that I didn’t make as good a choice as I had thought. You were such a coward to break an already broken woman. And the worst thing was, that you didn’t feel any remorse for doing that.
You thought that our toxic relationship would last for ages and that you would always be controlling me. But you didn’t know that I am a born warrior and sooner or later I would stand up and fight for myself. Once you realize that you have only one life to live and that someone is destroying it, you get crazy. And that was what I did. I completely lost my mind and I kicked you out of my house and my heart. Even if I loved you and even it hurt me to let you go, I knew it was more painful to keep you close. Now, I finally have the closure I craved so much. Now, I am a woman who knows what she wants and I won’t settle for less than I deserve.
And you know what? I really don’t need a man to fix me. I just need a man who will love me while I fix myself. And that man will never be YOU!