Open Topic

Been There, Done That.

I’ve become reflective as I approach middled age. It’s been a hell of a decade, and I’ve still got a years to go. Maybe it’s just life in general; clarity finally settling in since I’ve let myself heal from a terrible experience. Either way, let me share my top seven lessons I’ve learned in my almost forty years. I’ve been there, done that, and this is what I’ve learned…

1. No one, except you, has a responsibility to love you. No one will love, care or feel exactly like you do, AND that’s okay.

I used to get so upset when someone didn’t do for me what I’d do for them. I thought they were a bad friend. Maybe they are doing what they think is right, or they just don’t care like I do. Either way, I don’t have any control over it. It’s a waste of time and energy to think you can change it. You are responsible for loving yourself. You must love yourself enough so much that when others don’t see your awesomeness, it doesn’t matter. Just keep being awesome.

2. You are responsible for who you become. You may not blame your past for your future.

I’m sure each of us has our own Hell we’ve lived through and survived. What is important is that it doesn’t define what your future holds. I once had a boss tell me, “Once you make a decision, you can’t go back; that’s not where you are or where you’re going anymore.” He was/is right. Your past is behind you. You can’t change it. You must move forward.

3. If it sounds like a lie and feels like a lie, it’s a lie. Walk away.

Trust your gut. First impressions can say so much. Don’t short a person a second impression, but if it’s the same as the first, don’t hesitate to remember that. Don’t fall victim to a liar. Liars are out there. They will use you and twist the story to their advantage. Why? Because they are liars. Keep up. Also, be prepared to lose some “friends” along the way. They will believe the liars. It’s okay, you’re bigger than them and will still succeed. It’s a blip on the radar. It sounds insensitive, but so are they.

4. DO NOT – I repeat – DO NOT let your pride keep you in a situation that is wrong. Admit you messed up, and move on.

I’m a pretty prideful person, and I HATE losing. With that said, I’m also pretty quick to admit I’m wrong. Learn your lesson, and move on. I’ve stayed in a bad situation far too long because my pride was hurt. You won’t win. You’ll stay too long in a toxic situation and lose yourself. I’ve been there. I compromised a huge belief of mine and paid the ultimate price, and I’m still healing. I may never be 100%, but that’s on me. But, I also finally walked away. It still hurts, but my perspective on the entire situation has now changed. Refer back to 1-3 here. But DON’T stay. Get out and get perspective.

5. Life is beautiful. Look around. Focus on the good. The bad/negative will always be there; but, oh, the good prevails. Make sure you see it.

ImI have a loving, devoted, honest boyfriend (who also happens to be my best friend). He’s seen me at my worst (and my worstest {without even knowing why}) and has stood by my side; his love never wavering. I choose to focus on the good I have surrounding me. I’ve got some great friends. I keep in touch. I’m a good person with some MAJOR mistakes under my belt. But I choose to focus on the good…my circle, my people. And I’m SO MUCH MORE SELECTIVE of who fits in that group now. Focus on the good. Refer back to 1-4, we’re building as you go if you haven’t caught on.

6. If someone says you can’t; prove that you can. Never let someone influence your dreams.

Be YOU and be AWESOME. My Mom is an amazing person. We had a complicated relationship, but my final opinion is that she fought her entire life to be independent, self sufficient, and STRONG. I’ve worked hard. I’ve been told ‘no’ during my career. It’s pissed me off, BUT, it’s also pushed me to work harder and achieve the goals I knew I deserved to accomplish. Don’t let them tell you ‘no’. Pass them, and don’t look back. I’m not done. Show others (but mainly yourself) what you are capable of. Don’t stop until you want to.

7. Be. Sometimes it is important to just be. Be. It seems so simple, yet we all struggle with it.

This last year I’ve reflected a lot. I’ve re-lived some bad shit in my head several times over and over. I can’t hate the person involved as much as I’ve tried. I can only assume they hate me. We don’t talk anymore. This makes me unbelievably sad, but I also have to remind myself that sometimes you don’t get closure. I’ve spent time being. I’ve spent time reflecting. I wish my mother and I had a good relationship so I could talk to her about all of the shit I’m going thru. If anyone would understand, she would. I used to get so FRUSTRATED with her when she thought of my past, but I’ve come to realize that sometimes BAD SHIT happens, and you’ve got to deal…and live on. Mom’s message to me “Be” makes me focus on today. I can’t go back and make changes. I’ve got to move forward. I’ve got to be awesome. Because she is. I had someone tell me how much like her I was not too long ago. When I was younger, that would have been an insult. Today, let me tell you, I’d fucking walk thru hot coals because I’m badass, just like she is.

Open Topic

2020 Will Be My Year.

There are too many things in life that don’t last and love shouldn’t be one of them. 

I’ve already had people coming in and out of my life who were supposed to be my friends, I’ve had men telling me that they loved me in one moment and then turning their backs to me the next, and I had people who promised to be there just to go and disappear when I needed them the most. 

This year was full of things that didn’t last. I’ve been put through hell by the people who should’ve cared for me the most. My heart has been broken, my back is full of knives and my eyes have no more tears to cry despite the pain I’m feeling.

But, I’m not giving up. No, not me. 

I choose to stay optimistic. I choose to be positive. I choose to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m putting all my hopes in the year that is yet to come. I’ve had my fair share of hell and now it’s time to finally experience the happiness that stays and a love that doesn’t leave me. That’s me, an eternal optimist. 

Out of all the wishes someone could have for the year to come, I only have one—all I want is a love that stays.

I don’t want anything temporary anymore. I want a love that doesn’t leave. I want that forever story.

I want a love that makes me feel like I’m good enough. Like I’m more than my mistakes and like my imperfections are not ever allowed to shadow my good side. I want a love in which I won’t be mistreated for making a mistake, where my efforts will be appreciated and where I’ll feel like I am just fine in my own skin.

I want a love that feels like home, a love that makes me feel safe. I want a love that will be my safe haven, a love for which I’ll thank God each day and night, a love that will make me feel comfortable enough to be who I am, where I won’t need to put on any masks, where I won’t need to pretend to be something I’m not.

I want a love in which I feel like I matter. I just need love in which I’ll feel like my feelings matter, like what I have to say is important, like something would change if I disappeared all of a sudden. I want a love in which I know I’ll be missed if I’m gone.  

I want a love that stays, the love I can count on. I want a love that will make me feel high, a love that will take me to the stars and a love that I’ll be selfish about and that will make me not want to share with anyone.

I want a love that cares, a love that’s honest, a love that’s there just because of me, a love that doesn’t treat me like a backup plan. 

I want a love that stays forever and not until it finds someone else, someone better. 

I want a love that promises to stay. A love that keeps its promises, a love that stays even when times get rough, that holds my hand through all the storms and a love that is my light at the end of the tunnel. A love that helps me when I lose my faith, a love that doesn’t allow me to get tired, a love that makes sense out of everything bad. That’s what kind of love I want in 2020.

I promise to leave all my heartbreaks in 2019. I promise to forget all those who broke me, betrayed me or lied to me and I promise to start from scratch when this new love walks into my life. With this new year, I’m ready for a new beginning, a better beginning.

The year to come is about hope. And even though this year has left me bruised, even though I’ve fallen a hundred times, I managed to stand up and I’m still standing, ready to start from scratch.

I’m full of hope when it comes to 2020 because I know what I’ve been through and I know I get to be rewarded for the hell 2019 has put me through. 

I feel like this year will be the year in which things will change for the better. 

So, dear 2020, please be good to me.

Open Topic

How Much You Hurt Me.

You need to know how much you hurt me. I loved you with everything I have and in every way I know how, and I’m sorry that wasn’t good enough for you. I tried to be everything you wanted and needed but I just can’t anymore. I have put my own happiness on the back burner for too long and lost myself trying to be what you wanted. You were right – I did need you. You were a beacon of light in my messed up life; you brought me a lot of happiness. But then everything changed.

For years now we have gone in this circle. We try to fix things and then things go back to how they were, we stop communicating about it, things fall apart and we end up here.

Neither of us is happy and we are making each other miserable.

When you chose not to be there, I had to start to become my own person again. I couldn’t keep waiting for you to maybe show up; it was hurting me too much. So I found a support system and group that cared about me and enjoyed spending time with me. You’d say you were going to do things, but then you didn’t follow through. And I realize that sometimes they were inconvenient and maybe you didn’t actually want to do them, but those are the kinds of compromises you make for someone you love. I can’t even begin to count all of the times I did things with you/for you because I knew it would make you happy to have me there.

You say some of those things are expected when dating, but I don’t really believe in doing things out of obligation; you shouldn’t feel obligated to support the person you love, you should want to.

I was so excited for our first trip together, just the two of us, but I ended up feeling like crap while we were there because I honestly felt like you wished you were there with someone else. And I was soooo excited that you were going to move in with me, but the fact that you even had a little hesitancy towards moving in together after 7 years speaks volumes to where we are at in this relationship. Indecision is a decision. Your words and your actions aren’t matching up anymore and I’m tired of making excuses for you. I shouldn’t have ever had to question where I stand in your life, but that’s what has been happening.

You’ve shaped me into the person I am today. You taught me how to be goofy and how to believe in myself and push myself. You taught me patience and a lot about self-respect and self-worth. And you helped me learn that my happiness is important.

I know I’m hard to love.

I’ve got walls and I’m stubborn and I don’t like to feel weak or vulnerable. At one point, you pushed through those walls, but something must have changed because you stopped and then I didn’t want to feel like a burden.

Right now, I can’t trust you with my heart. 

It’s too little too late. You should have fought for me. You should have communicated with me when you realized your feelings were changing. I deserve to be loved, to feel loved, and to be happy. We both do. We both deserve to feel special and neither of us feels that right now. I never thought we would get to this point and I have no idea how it happened, but we are here. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry I can’t love you in the way that you want and that I am not the person you want or need me to be.

I don’t know what our future looks like right now. But I know that I’m basically numb at this point. I feel angry and hurt and disappointed and betrayed. I know you tried to take it back, but your message was loud and clear that night. I’m not sure if you’re scared of losing me or losing the idea of me/what I represent/who you wanted me to be. But I just need time to figure this all out and deal with it. I can’t force you to love me, but maybe time will change things. And I need to learn how to love myself if anyone else is going to; it’s not fair for me to rely on you for all of my happiness and love.

I hope someday you realize I loved you more than anything in the entire world and I’m sorry my love wasn’t good enough for you. You broke my heart, but I still love you with all the pieces.