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The Story Of Life.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, longlost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger) but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count!!! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

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To many, Hannah Baker was just a fictional character first in a book then in a Netflix series that went viral. To many others who related, they saw Hannah Baker within themselves.

Many saw themselves walking beside her in the halls, as whispers grew louder and couldn’t be silenced. 

Others saw themselves in the relationships that went from best friends to looking at one another like strangers. And how having some good memories from the past can hurt.

Many saw themselves in loneliness when surrounded by so many. When you are in a sea of people, yet you feel alone, you just hope someone will understand.

Others saw themselves in the love story of being too afraid to say how you felt, out of fear the other person might not say it back. So silence broke hearts when words might have healed it. 

“I cost a girl her life because I was too afraid to love her.” 

Many, saw themselves in the rape scenes. Where fear and shock was very real, to a point where you’re frozen just wanting it to stop. Then it does. And you change. And there is no way to undo what has happened to you, so you have to live with something you didn’t choose but was forced upon you. And it takes everything in you to not blame yourself. 

Others saw themselves in how depressed Hannah was walking around trying to make sense of how complicated it is to feel things so deeply sometimes. Hiding behind a mask, because it’s easier to pretend everything was okay, then admit you need help.

Many others and I, think the hardest place people saw themselves, was in the suicide. Whether you’ve attempted yourself or thought about it, the scene made me cringe. Not just because it was so graphic, but because I know it’s so many people’s reality.

This is to you…

When suicide is the second leading cause of death for kids between the ages of 18-24, that’s more than a statistic. Those are lives that have been lost. Those are children, friends, students, peers. And way too many people who should still be here.

So to every person who isn’t a statistic…

I’m so proud of you.

I am so proud of you because I know how hard some days are.

I know how alone you feel.

I understand there’s this pain within you, you can’t shake.

I know you think ending your life is a solution. But it isn’t. All that happens when you end your pain is, you pass along to someone else. Your death is something that happens to everyone else around you.

And I know you might feel empty or feel nothing at all. Maybe you have a plan already, or a suicide note written. Maybe you know exactly how you are going to do it and when.

But I’m going to stop you there.

I’m going to ask you to stay because so many people need you here.

Because I know there is a little bit of hope left in you. I know you don’t want to end your life, you just want the pain you’re feeling to go away.

And I don’t know what is causing it for you, maybe it’s heartbreak or bullying or depression. Maybe you’re 17 too and you don’t see a future.

But, these things you are feeling, these bad days you are having, are simply preparing you for all the good that has yet to come in your life.

Stay around to see those good days.

There are still so many people who have yet to meet you. So many lives you are going to change. Love stories that need you apart of them. Because as lost as you feel and as lonely as you feel, there is somebody looking for someone just like you. Do not deny them the chance of meeting you, because you want to take your life.

I know it kind of feels like you’re alone and no one understands. I know you might be stressed and overwhelmed, not just by school or work, but about these heavy emotions consuming you and it’s taken a toll.

And you feel like a burden to people around you. You think their lives would be better if they didn’t have to worry about you so much. But they would rather worry than be weeping at your funeral blaming themselves for something they should have seen. 

But people don’t see it. Because I know like Hannah, you’re really good at hiding how you feel. I know you’ve mastered the art of keeping your head down in silence, when so many thoughts consume you, taking you to this dark negative place.

I know you feel both invisible and silent. Because you can’t even find the words to describe how you feel, you just know it’s not right.

I know how much it hurts. Even if you can’t describe what that “it” is. There’s a pain within your soul you can’t shake.

I’m going to tell you something you might not have heard in awhile. you are so strong. The fact that you can feel these things so deeply, that can only be described as hell as your mind tries to drag you into darkness. but then you still find the light.

You become a light for others because you know what it’s like to be in that deep.

You weren’t here, you simply end your life looking for the easy way out. Because nothing about that is easy.

I need you to simply do one thing for me, get it tomorrow. And when you get there, get to the next day. And when you get there, get to the one after that. One day you are going to look back at this and realize how glad you are things didn’t end when you wanted them to.

And when that day comes, and you’re standing on your own two feet, and those thoughts at night aren’t drowning you, the way I know they are right now, I want you to reach out to me and tell me you’ve made it.

Because I know you have the strength to get there. 

A bad day is only 24 hours, but the best day of your life could be tomorrow.

Hannah Baker.

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Painfully blunt. 

And I know you’re going to come back at me and say, but he said this and he did that and what do think that means? I’m sure there might even be a physical relationship between you two where he tells you exactly what you want to hear.

I’m sure there are many screenshots you can send me and that you’ve probably sent your friends in a group chat, as all of them further confirm, yeah, he’s fucking with you and playing games but he definitely likes you.

That’s the mistake.

Someone who likes you, cares about you, and respects you, does not play you or lead you on.

Here’s a little something about liking someone, crushes, and relationships… when someone likes you, it’s clear as day. When someone wants to be with you, they are with you. When someone wants to see you, they move fucking mountains to make it happen.

I don’t care how busy he is or what his job is or what family problems are or what baggage he’s carrying from his past relationships. When he likes you, he will make it work.

And if he’s playing you, he doesn’t like you enough. 

And why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you, who confuses you or leads you on, to think one thing then completely reverse it the next?

You aren’t here to convince someone to like you. You aren’t here to try to win them over or prove yourself.

You give your best and you hope that’s enough. Because the truth is, it is enough. It’s enough for the right person when you finally let go of the wrong one.

Here’s are things a guy who likes you won’t do:

They won’t ignore your text, then blow up your Instagram. 

They won’t send you a snap, then not answer when you reply.

They won’t cancel last minute or change plans.

They won’t have to apologize or explain themselves.

They won’t leave you confused telling you they aren’t ready.

That’s a cop out.

Excuses are a cop out.

You’re overthinking this and buying into bullshit because you want this to be something it isn’t.

You don’t have to screenshot everything and over analyze anything.

If he tells you he’s not ready, that one day he will be and you should wait. Don’t.

You don’t deserve to wait for someone.

And I’ve been there. I’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions into people who for whatever reason couldn’t give me what I needed. But instead of walking away, I broke my own heart trying to be what they wanted.

The hookup that swore we’d end up together.

The player I thought I could change.

The drunk phone call that only came after closing.

The friend that cared, but needed me as a friend only.

The friends with benefits, who wasn’t ready for a relationship.

And the fucker who used social media as some pawn in a game.

The lies they told to get what they wanted, while you sacrificed what you needed to appease them… I’ve been there too. I believed it too.

I’ve seen it all. And I’ve been played every possible way someone can get played.

And some call me naive. Others call me stupid.

But I’ve also seen a lot of good relationships too. The ones where I wasn’t confused.

Here’s are things a guy who likes you will do:

They will call.

They will make plans.

They will show the fuck up.

They will answer every text, snap, and message.

They won’t have to apologize because they do everything they are supposed to.

And you won’t have to apologize for anything either.

They will heal you instead of hurting you.

They will make you confident instead of confused.

They will meet you halfway.

And when you are the right person for them, they will make themselves ready.

Because when you meet the right person you care about, the only thing that matters, is not losing them.

Your friends are trying to comfort you and ease the blow of the reality they see, that you are settling. So they’ll sugar coat it with “he is playing games, he’s unsure of himself,” etc.

But I am not your friend and I’ll be blunt. He doesn’t like you.

Because any guy who likes you, won’t hurt you and he won’t even give you time to be confused. Because he wants you sure of him.

And you don’t want to believe it, so you look for any reason this can be something and that’s what you hold onto.

You’ll ignore every red flag. 

The truth is, you can’t control how someone feels about you and you can’t love them into liking you. No matter how hard you try or the things you do, it won’t change how they feel.

But what you do have control over is, showing them what it’s like to live without you.

And it’s not easy to walk away. But sometimes the person you want most, is the one you’re best without.

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I’m Fine!

Hey, how have you been?”

Maybe you’re curious. Maybe you miss me. Maybe you want to just know if I’ve moved on yet. Maybe you wonder if I’ll answer. 

It’s the single text I’ve been waiting for, so long. Just a few words. I don’t answer too quickly because I don’t want you to know I’ve been sitting by my phone hoping to hear from you. 

I’m coy with how to respond because I don’t want to seem desperate. So I try to play it cool like this conversation isn’t making my heart flip in a hundred different ways. Like every time my phone makes any movement, I jump.

So I say fine and ask how you are and we go back and forth with a casual conversation. I wanted to hear from you, but nothing is being said. At least nothing I wanted to hear.

“I miss you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I still care.” 

And if I were to answer that question honestly, I don’t think you’d want to know the truth. 

Because the truth is, I haven’t slept in weeks and on the rare chance I do, I wake up at 3 am staring at the ceiling. 

The truth is, there are days I’m not even hungry because every other feeling completely consumes me far more than hunger pains. 

The truth is, my favorite part of the day is when I’m sleeping and not thinking about you. 

The truth is, I’m out of tears to cry over you. 

The truth is, I reach for my phone every morning, hoping today will be the day you come back into my life and my heart can heal. But I look at my phone with a hundred notifications. None being you.

I wake up and I’m exhausted. And I just want to go back to sleep. 

The truth is, I pretend to be doing well. But it takes everything in me to get out of bed some mornings and look presentable. 

It takes everything in me to look at everyone and smile, even though my heart is completely breaking. 

And I can’t talk to anyone about it because everyone is tired of hearing your name, and everyone thinks I should be over it by now.

My friends try to introduce me to people when we are out, and I smile and engage in conversation, and I really appreciate what they are doing, to try to get me to heal but the truth is, I feel like a ghost of myself simply going through the motions. 

And I don’t know what I can even offer anyone else because I feel so empty inside. 

In everyone I meet, I look for you and every one of them seems to fall short of my expectations.

I see you everywhere. In the songs I listen to. In the books I read. In the shows I watch. In the news, I wish I could tell you of something good that just happened. 

I don’t know how to fall out of love with you. And everything about you hurts me. It hurts when you’re here and it hurts when you’re gone.

So you ask how I am and the honest truth is, I’m lost without you here because so much of who I was, was because of you. So much of my happiness came down to you. 

And I know someone shouldn’t have that much of an influence on me and my life. I should be more whole than that. I should be stronger. I should be able to just move on. 

But I won’t tell you any of these things. If I told you I was falling apart in your absence, that’d just give you the satisfaction of knowing you made the right choice leaving. 

I might feel weak right now, but I have a little more pride than that.

So we’ll carry on with a conversation like it isn’t bothering me at all. 

And you’ll watch a news feed as I smile big. And you’re going to think I’m over it. 

But the honest truth is, I’m completely emotionally and physically drained pretending that losing you wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to me.

So I’ll say fine. But nothing about me is fine.