It started at a young age when she knew something was wrong with her. It was hard in the beginning the way he looked at her the way he touched her. Everything seemed to fade into black as she tasted the salty tears that fell from her eyes. She was scared at first, that first time changed her. It’s like living in a dark whole in your mind, you don’t want to be you anymore, you want to hide in the tears that fall from your eyes, you want to run, but there’s never a place to hide. So you sit there and fade into the eyes of the monster as he takes your screams as a invite to invade your soul. Your cries go unheard, your words go unspoken, as you lay and watch every hope and dream go out the room. You look in the mirror at this broken girl who are you. Why can’t they see what’s happening? Why can’t they save you? No one is there, no one cares. What happened to the sweet happy girl they once knew. That girl is dead, she understands now who she is, what she is. Days are dark, the face of the monster is burned into her dreams. What is he a monster, a ghost that haunts every memory, what they see is not what is. That monster took who she was, her dreams. She’s nothing more, the shell of who she use to be. The time faded, the days grew darker, the nights grew longer. She awoke to find he was gone, the days started to get brighter, the monster was gone, no more pain. It was hard for awhile, every night she feared he would return. The nightmares started the fear of what he did. All the nights she layed awake crying, remembering the evil snake that broke her flesh, that made her bleed. The sound of his zipper pierced her ears every night. What was in his eyes? Was it regret? Was it fear? Nothing but pure evil. She wanted the nightmares to stop, but they seemed to get worse every night. In bed she lied, unspoken, broken, who was she a whore for letting this go on? It was a never ending nightmare she tried to escape from, but it pulled her back down into the darkness every time.
One person can steal it all over night, your life can go from sunshine to rain in a few minutes. The look will haunt everything you do, you can look in the mirror without seeing who you use to be. Who am I,? She whispers into the mirror that holds everything from the tears she cried to the blood dripping to the floor. She doesn’t understand anything anymore, her soul is darkened by the blood stained panties she hid away that holds her weak soul barley hanging on. Slowly walking towards the end of the bed that she once slept on, now only nightmares and broken dreams lay waiting for. She lays her weak body onto the bed hoping one day to be free from this. As soon as she closes her eyes, she sees what could only be described as a soulless evil monster, night after night she saw him getting near her. Everything seemed to slow down as he touched her scared cold body, she begs, but it never helps. What came the next night put her to ease knowing that night it would all be over. Walking to the dresser grabbing the only friend she’s ever known. She stares at the shiny blade that knew her pain thinking tonight I will sleep forever, never to return.
She fills her lungs for the last time and splits her wrist over and over, until the blade falls from her hand. Day dreaming of her soul leaving her cold lifeless body, closing her eyes she sees the light. Almost dead as she hears the screams of her family asking why begging for her to live. They don’t realize it’s to late, death has taken her by the hand leading her to the smell of burning bodies. As she enters the fire, she awakes to bright lights and doctors telling her she will be ok . The end she hoped for was stolen from her broken body, cut, weak, and brushes by the sent of death. Death seemed so good at the time, she said her goodbyes to the world that has broken and shattered her, not only on the inside, but on the outside too.
Her story only became worse as the doctors tried to figure out why she was so broken, but no one understood. Should she lie and say it was the last time knowing it was only going to make it worse? Or should she tell the truth and get help.? Could they handle the truth, or would it break them too? She remembered the wind between her fingers as she went down the road, not thinking just family who loved her, who needed her. Was she part of the last shattered army can she escape? Even when she’s around her family, she feels as if she doesn’t belong! why is she so pushed away by everyone as if she’s just trash in a sea of dark souls pulling her down farther into what they call happiness, but how is it happiness when all she feels is lost?? Is lost all she ever knows, the feeling of never belonging, never being loved, never feeling like she’s home. What does it mean to be loved? Is it just a story like the ones being told to kids the happy ever after never seeing the lies that they are told? They don’t know about the flashbacks that only got worse as the day of flames approached. The day was ending when she closed her eyes, the sour memory came into her sleepy eyes. It was cold outside, but she could still feel the heat from the flames that glow in the night, the smoke burned her nose as she cried. Her family stand beside her as she watched everything burn before her eyes. The smell, the cold air, the windows bursting as they run out the house. Everything was gone so fast as they fight the fire why must this happen what did we do wrong. The night, grew to day as they sit in a hotel still crying still fighting. They were strong, but there was one person stronger then the rest..my hero, my father, the one who carried me to safety. She awoke to smoke and flames, he picked the sleeping princess up fighting for air as the smoke covered the rooms. The flames spread so fast as we ran, I still remember looking up and seeing the roof covered with orange and red flames spreading faster then the tears running down my cheeks.
That night, I knew we would never be the same, the fire took everything from us. The sound of windows busting still echos in my head as I close my eyes to fall asleep, do they even understand who she was before this? She remembered the girl who gave her a praying bear after the fire, saying it will be ok, God has a plan. What fucking plan was this showing? How fire can destroy a loving family turn them against each other, what once was love is now a shadow in the mind of a broken child, a child who will never see light in her mother’s eyes again, a child who will never hear her father say “I love you” again, or a brother and sister as there protesters all of it gone. All they see in her now, is the girl who tried to kill herself…..
They didn’t know who she was, they didn’t care. The time was there, she knew it wouldn’t help, but what could she do, fight saying she was alright, no this was not true, she was broken and shattered into that girl she needed help to save her from what they saw her as. As she walked in, she saw the broken souls of what once was happy people destroyed by the world. Would she be ok after all? Do they truly see who she is and want to fix how she feels?? The story of her life was finally being told, as hard as it is, she would be ok or so she believed. The time she spent there was harder then what she thought it would be, everyday she remembered of what she tried to hide, they promised it would help but it did nothing but bring the hate and anger back. She was done, she wanted to go home, why wont they let her leave? Why is it so hard to forget the things she was hiding? How could they tell her she is strong, when she wasn’t? The anger started to rise like the sun, I felt the heat
from the rage that boiled from within, as I screamed, not stopping, even as the tears ran down my face, I couldn’t stop I just needed all my anger to be heard.
They all came running to see this girl they all thought was strong break so fast. What they saw was someone not only haunted by her past, but a girl that had nothing else in this world, she was nothing but a lost soul looking for something that isn’t there. The anger was the last voice she had, and she wanted everyone to hear it.
What came next shocked everyone as she raised from the floor, she screamed to the top of her lungs and drove her nails into her wrist going as deep as she could. Tears still running down her cheeks, she felt the blood and a evil smile came to her face as she felt the warmth of the anger and pain leaving her body. The nurses came so fast she can’t even think before they grab her and take her to the padded room.
Her mind was full of voices telling her she was nothing, she was a whore, she was a broken piece of shit, as she lays there with tears falling as she ask God why he would do this to her? Why would he be so cruel? Does she deserve this what did she do so wrong? Is this what life is, being told your nothing, being hurt, having her life mean nothing? How can she live knowing she’s nothing to the world?
All she knows is hate and pain, what is life truly about to be hated, to be used, to be a worthless whore? Will the pain ever stop? Will her heart stay broken? Will the evil one take the rest of her? Things will never change, this is all she will ever knows!
As they take the last piece of self respect she had, they all look happy as she looks up at them and prays for the end to come, she can’t live this life, she’s better off dead, this isn’t life it’s hell she screams as they slam the door. She hears the muffled screams of the other broken souls, but can’t do anything to help them, she can’t even help herself! All the lies she has told to her family and friends echo in her head as the screams get louder. That one night turned her into a liar, a whore, a girl that no one would ever love.
She should have told them what he did to her, what they all did to her, but fear stopped her, how could they not see? Were they blind or just scared?? Like so many questions enter her mind keeping her awake, the evil one caused it, it began when he entered that night, it was over, her life ended she was a shell! When the other entered her life, she was already broken, she was gone and no one knew……
One turned into five so fast she was just their toy, they all used her, she couldn’t fight anymore, couldn’t scream, she was lifeless as they took turns taking the rest of her body and destroying it. She lay there naked scare, but her voice gone “God please take me” she kept saying in her mind as there cold hands touch her over and over, why do they keep doing this? She was already dirty, she was already gone, but they wanted more. She had nothing else but they still used her broken body for their pleasure, after they were done, she put her clothes on walked to her room and cried that whole night, no one would even believe her, what was she to do?
She wasn’t the only one he hurt. I was 14, I try to find peace, but I can’t seem to get the flashbacks out of my head. Knowing we had each other, her legs bruised as they pulled them apart, her voice lost from the screams, blood still running from her mouth, eyes full of tears, I grab her and hold her close, I know she can’t keep going if she wanted a normal life, I was already broken so I take her place, promise not to scream or fight to keep her safe. I was older, I could handle it, she was just a kid, she didn’t need to know the pain of this. I kept my promise not to fight or scream as they have their way with me, I do as they wish just hoping she’s ok. I held it all in, all the feelings, all the tears, all of it not letting a single word out, until now.