Open Topic

Anxiety Is…

Anxiety is that voice that keeps me up late at night when all I want to do is sleep.

It’s knowing nothing about me is normal. Even when I try so hard to be. 

Anxiety is like a highlight reel of my life on rewind, but the only parts that play are the mistakes I’ve made, the people I’ve hurt, and the things I’ve done I haven’t forgive myself for. 

It makes me feel like an idiot when I know normal people aren’t hung up on something that happened five years ago.

Anxiety is the ruthless critic that I’ll never be good enough for. 

Because no matter what I do, say or achieve, anxiety counters it with an insult. 

And I believe it. 

It’s hard enough being good enough for others, it’s even harder being good enough for yourself when you are your own worst enemy. 

Anxiety makes me doubt myself and doubt everyone around me. From every word I say to every text I send to every email that goes out, triple checking it multiple times.

Anxiety makes me feel like an idiot not because I mess up, but because I worry so much about mistakes. 

Anxiety makes me think everyone is out to fuck me over when in reality, that isn’t the case. 

I know I have good friends, so why am I questioning and doubting them when they gave me no reason to? Why do I think everyone is going to leave me when they’ve stood by me for a decade. 

But anxiety makes me feel like an idiot because I need to know things are okay. I need to know you aren’t mad at me. I need constant reassurance.

Anxiety has complete control over me. 

It’s questioning every text, word, and worrying to a point where emotional exhaustion is a real thing in my life. 

It’s the apologizing too much and too often. Then when I try to explain to someone why I’m apologizing, as the words appear on the screen as I type them I think, “I sound like an idiot.” 

Anxiety is the company at a party or in a crowd, but drowning in negativity that’s inside my own head. 

So I stay silent simply observing everything going on around me out of fear of saying and doing the wrong thing. Out of fear I shouldn’t be here or no one wants me here or I was invited out of pity. That’s what anxiety tells me. 

It’s wanting to talk, but not trusting myself enough to not say something stupid.

Anxiety makes me a paranoid fuck because I can tell when there’s the slightest shift in someone or in a relationship. And I try to fix it, but only make things worse. 

Anxiety is striving for perfection I know I’ll never achieve it. Anxiety taunts me for my failures while ignoring my success. 

Anxiety makes up every worst case scenario that can happen and then it doesn’t and I tell myself you shouldn’t have gotten so worked up. But I did. 

Anxiety makes me feel like an idiot for worrying as much as I do. 

It’s constantly turning around to make sure that door is locked or that stove is off. Even though I have never left the stove on or door open. Anxiety tells me “what if” and I watch in my mind as something horrible happens.

Then I turn around and double check and yes, like every day before it’s fine.

Anxiety makes me feel like an idiot because I shouldn’t be like this. But I am. I care. I care about doing the right thing. I care about saying the right thing. I care about never hurting someone. 

Anxiety makes me hyper aware of things because I care too deeply. 

It makes me terribly insecure. 

People with anxiety struggle to live in the moment because we are always dwelling in the past and worried about the future, and I feel like an idiot because I’m trying to be as happy as everyone around me, but I struggle.

Anxiety is breaking down because something didn’t go the way I wanted it to, even though nothing ever does, I need that structure. 

It’s the want and need to control everyone and everything because this thing controls me. 

Anxiety makes me feel like an idiot because my mind can never be quiet and silence, and peace of mind is something I’ll never achieve in life. 

And maybe I think too much and am too hard on myself, but at the end of the day, I simply try to do my best and that’s all I can ask of myself even when anxiety tells me it’s not enough. 

Open Topic

The Girl Who Waited For You.

The people who deserve our love most are the ones we overlook. 

In a lifetime, you see so many people come and go but when you’re lucky, you have a few that stay. The ones who have been there and you don’t even remember where they came from or when it happened, all you know is they play a major role in your life now. 

Maybe it comes in the form of friendships and family. Or maybe it’s a love that’s always stayed put. 

And maybe there’s never been a right time for the two of you, so you keep your feelings tucked away not pursuing it. Maybe it’s a love you know is there but something about dating today teaches us, love isn’t supposed to be that simple. 

Maybe it’s a friend, an ex or an acquaintance. But they are someone who has been there and stood by you when it seemed everything else in your life wasn’t going according to any plan. The one constant thing you can look back on other than confusion, was their constant love and attention. 

She’s always loved you.

If you asked her straight up, she’d agree. But there’s something about her loyalty and playing the role you needed her to that kept her at a stand still, making moves only when you were ready to. 

Maybe she never intended to fall in love with you, maybe it just happened as most love does. 

Maybe she tried dating others, but there was something about them and something more about you, that they couldn’t even compete with. Because there is something about your presence that makes her light up in ways she never knew she could. 

Love that has overcome time and deterrents or frequent changes might change its form, but the love is consistent and is always there. 

Without even meaning to, you each took a piece of each other’s heart. Regardless of where you went, you carried one another with you. 

She gets it.

You don’t even have to explain things to her and she somehow understands. She can look at you and see what type of day you are having. She can listen to you speak and even when you say fine, she can tell by the tone you aren’t. She understands you in ways you’re still learning to understand yourself, and yeah, that’s a little bit scary sometimes. 

And while she sees you in the best light and is constantly trying to build you up, she sees your flaws too. She knows you aren’t perfect, but she also wouldn’t change anything about you. She’s known you long enough to know about every scar you try to hide. She knows about the past you tried to run from, the dreams you have in your future, and she’s been your number one fan for as long as you’ve known her. 

And just as she understands you, you can totally read her too. There’s a comfort in knowing there’s someone who knows you to the core of who you are and accepts it. 

She’s been patient with you.

She’s lived her life and lived her dreams, but you’ve been right there with her the whole time. And while everything she’s done for herself, she’s thought about you too. 

And you’ve tested her while trying to figure things out yourself. And I know the thought has crossed your mind, can you fit her into your life? 

But you’ve never made a move and she has a quiet patience, unlike anyone you’ve ever known.

There are times though where you’ve tested her. Times where you’ve kept her up at night wondering, waiting, hoping, crying, thinking of you all the time. But it was never a question of should she walk away, you’ve always been the only choice and the only thing that’s ever made sense to her. 

Maybe she dated other people, maybe you did too. You sure as hell slept with other people too. 

But no matter who she was with, it’s always been you she’s loved and cared for more. 

And she’s waited with patience and a blind confidence that maybe you two would get it right one day. 

And maybe you try to deny yourself these feelings, but I know you feel something when it comes to her too. 

Sometimes it’s easier to look past someone who has always been there, and pine after what we don’t think we have, than realize and see that thing we’ve been looking for has been there the whole time.

Couple looking over Osaka night skyline and falling stars

Open Topic

Second Chance.

Because she still loves you.

If she’s giving you a second chance, it’s probably because you used your first one up.

It’s probably because you hurt her, broke her heart, and made her question herself.

What I can tell you about her is despite the tears and restless nights of sleep, as you consumed her thoughts breaking her down, even more, she still loved you.

She loved you through every fight where it was her walking out in tears and you not following her. 

She loved you as she watched you fall out of love with her and she held on for dear life that it wouldn’t end.

She loved you when you pulled the rug out from under her and she was left to pick up the pieces.

She even loved you when you walked away swearing you’d never come back and it was over.

For a while, she didn’t think she’d be okay. She held it together the best she could, but she missed you.

But life had a way of moving on. And those nights she used to cry on the bathroom floor, got replaced with the habit of missing you.

Because she knows people make mistakes.

She moved on and met new people and even though she was healing, she still thought of you. She still compared everyone to you. But she refused to dwell in the past and hang on to a lost love that hurt.

But then one day it hit you. You missed her. And in everyone you met, you looked for her and she couldn’t be found. 

Now it was you tossing and turning replaying an ending she must have hated you for.

She didn’t though. That’s the thing about girls like her, even at your worst, even at your meanest, she still loved you for all the good brought to her life. She still accepted you and your shortcoming like they weren’t much to pay attention to.

She still loved you, but it was you who didn’t deserve her unconditional love.

Weeks turned into months as you typed and deleted messages you wanted to send, but you were afraid to. Afraid she moved on. Afraid she realized she deserved better. Afraid she didn’t love you anymore. 

But then one day you hit send.

And I can tell you what she thought upon seeing your name across the screen. Shock. Utter disbelief. Fear.

She moved on so much she honestly thought you’d never come back. But then there you were after all this time.

Because she follows her heart, not her head.

And everyone questioned her as she let you into her life so carelessly.

They didn’t want her getting hurt again. They were the ones who had to clean up the mess you made upon leaving. They were the ones drying her tears. They didn’t want her to get burnt by the same flame twice.

But she didn’t listen. That’s the thing about girls like her, every choice she makes, comes from the heart and she follows it no matter how scary it might be.

Cordial conversation and catching up quickly turned into plans.

It was then as she approached you, you realized how beautiful she was. But more than that, there was something new about this girl who stood before you. There was a strength in her you never knew her to have before. She didn’t bring up the past or question why you were back, she simply accepted you with open arms with that same loving heart you broke.

Conversations flowed easily. She made everything so simple.

Because she lets go of pain.

But behind that strength and beauty, was something you couldn’t see that she hid behind her smile. Fear. Doubt. Pain. She didn’t know why you were back, but she put on a brave face because she had to, making an effort to forget.

And you realized that girl you thought was so weak for crying as you said goodbye, that girl that texted too often and called you when she was drunk begging for another chance, was anything but desperate. She was the opposite of all those things. 

And she sat there looking you in the eyes and it was like she saw right through you.

You realized the only thing that changed about her was that realization she didn’t need you. That girl suddenly learned how to rely on herself and stand on her own two feet.

There’s nothing more beautiful than someone realizing their strength and worth.

You realized you didn’t deserve her, but you’d do anything from that moment on to prove you did.

“I love you,” rolled off her tongue rather easily like it used to so long ago.

And you realized you loved her too. But more than that, you realized it’s been her, even after all this time.