Open Topic

Rhyme Or Reason.

It’s a goodbye without a word. 

It’s an ending without an explanation. 

It’s the falling out the other person doesn’t want to fix. 

I hate to admit I’ve gotten very used to people leaving. 

And for so long, I feared it. Some called me clingy. Some said I didn’t know how to let go. Others would just leave with no rhyme or reason. But the truth is, I never understood people leaving, for me I never thought of it as an option. 

But suddenly that thing I feared, became a common reality I learned to adapt to. 

Suddenly there was a shift not, “will they leave?” But when?

And I began to look at everyone thinking that. 

Maybe it was negative and cynical. But it was my reality I became used to. 

I didn’t like it. But I also didn’t like being so emotionally affected by ghosting and the fade out before those things even became words, that trended or phrases that became household. 

But what I came to realize about exits are, if you let people do it gracefully even when it hurts to see them go, almost every time they come back.

“People from your past come back like they are seasonal flowers,” my roommate said laughing. 

The truth was, she was right. I don’t know if they come back to clear their names and reputation, or because they missed me. But they always returned. 

It never surprised me people leaving and returning, when you’re nice, when you treat people well, when you build them up and make them feel good about themselves, they always come back. 

People miss the way you make them feel about themselves. And I’ve always prided myself on building people up and never tearing them down.

But what surprises me more, isn’t that theme that is so frequent in my life. What surprises me are, the people who stay. The ones who don’t have to leave to realize they shouldn’t have in the first place.

The ones who loyally stand by me, watching as I allow people in and out of my life like it’s some revolving door. But there are few people who don’t even have to test those waters.

The anxious part of my brain wonders how much longer will they stay? The anxious part of my brain says emotionally prepare yourself for their exit.

But what I’ve learned is, the people who want to be in your life, make the choice every single day to stay. 

It’s the same choose I make with everyone in my life. I’ve never been the one to leave, it’s always me that gets left. I won’t ever just pull a Houdini on them because even when you get used to people leaving, it still hurts. If someone wants to be in my life, who am I to deny them of it? 

The toughest goodbyes are the ones that come with no explanation. Where people leave and don’t think you deserve that closure. I’ve learned closure is something that comes from within. And instead of focusing on those who have gone, take a moment and admire and appreciate those who haven’t.

We take for granted the things we are used to. The people we just assume will always be there. It’s those people who deserve your loyalty and love. The ones who look at you and also think you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not. Give them your best and while others come and go, don’t forget to thank them for never leaving. 


Open Topic

Despite All Of This Pain.

They keep telling me it’s going to get easier, moving on. 

They keep telling me I’m going to meet someone new and better.

But the truth is, no matter who I meet or what I do, when your heart and your mind is completely invested in someone, none of those things matter.

The truth is, yes I’m single but I’m emotionally unavailable, at least until I get through this.

And I don’t know how to.

They keep telling me time will heal this.

But what happens when the only person you think can heal this pain is the one who caused it in the first place.

What happens when the solution is also what caused the problem.

All this time and distance is doing is making me cling to the past I don’t want to forget. All it’s doing is haunting me.

If distance makes the heart grow fonder, I’m falling deeper in love with you as you’ve already fallen out of love with me.

Because I think back and I remember how good it used to be. How happy I used to be. How in love we both were. But something changed.

And I’m running through details of things I might have said or done. Wishing I hadn’t.

Did you wake up one day and think, I’m over her? Did you look me in the eyes and just realize how out of love you were when it came to me?

The words goodbye slipped out of your mouth, but they were words that were foreign to me. Because I expected anyone but you to be the one to say it.

I don’t know when you stopped believing in me and us because the truth is, I never stopped. And I think part of me still believes in you. Part of me keeps hoping maybe you’ll change your mind.

But every night I go to bed and there’s a silence and loneliness I can’t shake. And I lay there thinking back to when you used to be next to me. Nights sleeping carelessly with you by my side are replaced with tossing and turning as I wake up at 3 AM missing you.

And I reach for my phone hoping maybe to see your name. A text, a like, a comment. Anything, but I don’t. And I’m forced to move on like it isn’t breaking my heart to so.

And all I keep wondering is, how did we get here? 

People once so in love and completely consumed by each other becoming strangers, it’s a reality I knew could very well come true but I didn’t ever want that to be our reality.

I didn’t want another story that ended with me picking up the pieces. I used to run from love out of fear of falling, but I realized what I feared more was this. This empty feeling where tears have completely run out and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I can’t change the way you feel. Because I’ve tried.

The thing about heartbreak is, you can never tell who is hurt. On the outside, everyone looks put together and smiling. You can walk by a hundred people a day and you’d never know those people too are fighting the exact same battle you are. But no one says anything. 

Everyone carries on like heartbreak is a silent battle you must face alone. And the truth is, you kind of have to. There aren’t words or a conversation that can heal the pain. And yeah people can say they understand, they’ve been there, they got over it.

But I’m not there yet.

Everyone says I’ll get over it and be over you. But I still believe you’re one of the best things that have ever happened to me. So how do you even compare anyone to that? Because all they do is fall short of my expectations.

They tell me to date and all, but I don’t want to keep being let down. I don’t want to keep thinking of you every time I look in someone’s eyes. 

The truth is, I feel completely lost without you here because you took so much of who I was with you when you left. And when I look at myself in the mirror, more than myself, I see is you.

But the irony of all of this is, despite the pain and these ugly things I feel, the thing about love is, even when it ends bad you wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

Because despite the pain you’ve caused, I still think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.