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Shaky Ground.

One night and everything changed, suddenly you were like every other person who had ever hurt me or lied to me or led me on.

I didn’t want you to be that person.

The truth revealed itself like some storm hitting, and I was caught in the eye of it. It was like some hurricane and after it blew through, I was standing there with every broken piece of the destruction you caused trying so hard to just build myself back up.

But the hardest part about building yourself back up is, when you’re so good at pretending things didn’t hurt you in the first place, no one realizes. No one realizes how much you are just so hung up over the past you thought would lead to a different future.

I truly believed things would play out differently than they did. Or maybe that’s what I told myself and wanted to believe. Maybe I looked for every reason to lead myself to that conclusion. We see the signs we want to in life, not the ones that are right in front of us sometimes.

I believed you cared. I believed every text was because you wanted to talk to me, not because you were bored. I believed every tag was because you were thinking of me and every snap you wanted me to know that. I believed every like was an indication of how you felt, but maybe I was creating signs I wanted to see.

Maybe the time we spent together was me creating this story I wanted so badly to be accurate, but not your reality.

But as much as I pin this on me reading all the wrong signs, I can’t blame myself entirely. Because you made me think you felt these things and you didn’t bother to tell me anything different for so long. So as I ran over details in moments of your confusion, I’m left wondering maybe there was a moment or two where you cared. There had to be. I couldn’t have been the only one feeling that.

Maybe I’m crazy for thinking all these things and thinking something was there. Because I thought you felt it too. A connection I couldn’t explain. A common ground I thought we were both standing on steadily.

But then the ground I thought was steady, began to shake.

And if a color could define you and me, I’d pick gray. But everything about me is black and white, so when you threw gray into it and mixed signals and things that weren’t clear, I was trying simply to make sense of it all.

I was trying so hard to understand things like attention one moment, then ignoring me the next. I was trying so hard to understand when I ignore one snap, why were three more sent. Were you trying to get my attention? Because you always had it. Were you trying to win my heart because the truth is, it was always yours to have if you chose? But you’d choose one moment just to not be consistent with it. Everything about you was inconsistent and confusing and threw me for a loop in ways only rides could.

Maybe it was just a game to you. Maybe you liked knowing how high someone would jump when you told them too. Maybe in the midst of trying to figure out things you couldn’t control in your own life, you liked knowing there was someone who could. You liked knowing someone loved you when regardless of how you treated them.

You liked the attention. You liked the ego boost.

And I can’t blame you for it. I get it. We all need someone sometimes. We all use people sometimes.

But you built yourself up at the cost of knocking me down.

You were using me and taking advantage of me and I saw it. I’m not naive or stupid, I just believe in the people I care about and honestly, I never stopped believing you were good despite every bad side you showed of yourself.

I saw the person I fell for in glimpses. Which made me tolerate the BS.

I can’t sit here and say I’m angry or hate you.

I meant it when I told you I loved you, I just wish you would have loved me back.

And I know someone will get all the good you have to give. You’ll love someone wholeheartedly the same way I did you, only they’ll get your best. And it will kill me as I’m left wondering why it couldn’t be me or what it was I lacked.

We both deserve someone great. I deserve better and you deserve someone you’re more sure of. I just kept holding on, wishing it would be you at the end of all of this. And that’s what hurts the most, believing in someone that much, holding onto that much faith, only to realize how wrong you were about everything.

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I always fear letting someone that close to me. Close enough that they become a routine. Close enough that I suddenly build this life with them. Close enough that suddenly I forget what a life was without them a part of it.

So naturally, I push people away. But even the coldest most fearful hearts cross paths with someone who suddenly breaks down everything they’ve built to protect themselves. 

Suddenly you meet someone and it’s so easy. 

Part of you says don’t do this, you’ll get hurt. Then the other part of you says go, make them yours and don’t look back.

You go from having your guard up to trusting them in a way you don’t trust anyone else. You go from strangers to suddenly this person knowing you to the core of who you are. Suddenly they know you better than you know yourself. And three words roll off your tongue and you’re suddenly envisioning a future where they are a part of it. Suddenly the only thing that makes sense is the two of you and this life you continue to build together.

Then suddenly there is a shift. It’s like everything changes in an instant. The words it’s overhang so long and you don’t want to believe it. 

You get lost in their absence, realizing so much of how you defined yourself and every decision you made, came down to them. And you feel completely and totally lost without them. 

You realize in an attempt to try to keep them, you lost yourself in the process. 

It’s the text you don’t get in the morning. 

It’s the notification you no longer see, even though you kind of want to. 

And you get mad they liked something, but find odd comfort in the fact they thought of you for a moment. 

It’s waking up alone in a bed that they used to lay in and you can’t even sleep without them. 

It’s the place you can no longer go to because it used to be yours and going in there alone not seeing them, feels wrong. 

It’s the song you can no longer play because you remember when you blasted it in their car. 

It’s that moment you drive on autopilot and you have to remind yourself to take that left instead of right towards their house. 

It’s the good news you wish you could share.

It’s their favorite food you can’t even stomach looking at because you think of them. 

It’s the bad day you wish you had them as your rock. 

But when the person who hurt you is the one who can fix it, you’re left uncertain of how to fix yourself. 

And you do everything you can to try to numb this pain that is consuming you. 

Stay busy they said. So you get lost in work. Go somewhere they said. So you leave. Have fun. So you fake the best smile you can. But inside, it’s like I can’t do this anymore. 

It’s going somewhere and people ask where they are and you have to explain you aren’t together anymore. 

It’s seeing them across social media and you wonder how they make it look so easy? When you’re over here falling completely apart. 

It’s the thoughts that creep up at night wondering if they’re going to bed alone. 

It’s the doubt you have when you look at your reflection because despite how confident you are, you wonder what it was that wasn’t good enough.

You wonder did you not say I love you enough? Did I not show it? What could I have done more? 

And maybe the fault is on them, but you keep blaming yourself. 

It’s the casual conversation as you cross paths and you’re trying so hard to not show the pain across your face, but you’re standing in front of someone who knows you so well. And you wonder do they see it? You wonder are they hurt too? 

You walk away smiling, but it took everything in you to keep your composure. 

Part of you is trying to be the bigger person, and because you do hope they are well. 

But there is part of you who looks at them so differently, like they deceived you and you just want to scream, “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?”

Because all of it feels like lies and you don’t know what to believe anymore. 

It’s suddenly feeling so alone without them.

It’s missing them but more than that, you miss who they used to be.

Because they weren’t just someone you loved, they were your best friend. And they weren’t just your best friend, they meant everything to you. 

And all you want is to escape this pain that consumes you, but you’re lost with knowing how. So you drink to forget only the night ends with haunting memories of everything you remember. 

You look at their number and you want to call them or text them but you know you’ll regret it the next day. 

So you try to stay strong. You try not to talk about it. You try to not let it eat you away inside. But there is a pain to your soul you can’t explain. It actually hurts to go through the motions. 

And you’re barely sleeping, and when you are, they meet you in every dream. 

People ask you how you are and you say “fine.”

But all any of us want is that person who pulls us in closer because they know we aren’t. And they let us fall completely apart. While tears and a breakdown seem like you’ve hit rock bottom, once that person dries your tears, you realize there is no place to go but up.