Casualty War.

My soul was parched, thirsty to be admired, longing to be touched, anticipating meeting yours.

I wish you knew how quickly you derailed my self-esteem, making me constantly wonder what I did so wrong for you to do this to me.

I spent nights praying to the stars, hoping they’d align and gift me with a sign that I wasn’t crazy. That you weren’t like the others. That you’d call when you were ready.

Because I was ready to give whatever I hadn’t given to those who came before. Ready to pour my efforts into whatever relationship you wanted to offer. You were all I wanted on paper. You were the one who ignited the fire in my heart that I thought had long been extinguished.

I consistently kept myself awake overanalyzing all my thoughts. My mind became a highlight reel of all our interactions and the ways I might’ve messed this up. I was too talkative, too eager, too needy. I put my own self on trial for months and ruled myself guilty every time.

Yet, I still clung to the day we met as a sign of hope. You found me somewhere between hurting and healing. Inviting yourself into my life with a simple question: Can I sit here?

There was sincerity in your eyes, a genuineness in your tone, and warmness in your presence. For some reason I felt comfortable around you as we talked the whole bus ride. And it could’ve just been that, but it wasn’t.

I wonder if it was your intention for me to baptize myself in the delusion that is you. Your promises that looked sweet as sugar are now bitter to the taste. I realize now that I was just a casualty in the war you have within.

You see, I would’ve been content with just being your friend. I would’ve been okay had you just told me you weren’t interested. But I wasn’t granted such a luxury. Instead, I saw your name take residence on a list of guys who have broken my heart.

It didn’t stop me from constantly wondering why. It didn’t stop me from picking myself apart, wondering why I wasn’t good enough for you. It didn’t stop me from constantly wishing to hear from you again.

Do you ever revisit the graveyards you build? Does my name ever haunt your soul late at night when you’re left alone to lay with your decisions?

I will be okay because I always have been. I know you are no prize, no one worth diminishing my self-worth for. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I know one day I will.

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