I Wish…

I wish seeing your name in a snap didn’t immediately make me smile. And I could just ignore it. But you and I both know I’ll open and answer immediately.

I wish seeing your name in a story feed didn’t make me want to see it first. But I’m always just curious what you’re doing, who you’re with and part of me wishes I were there too.

I wish seeing your name view my story didn’t make me feel a certain way but the honest truth is, sometimes I post things in hopes you do look first too. Sometimes I scroll through a list of names just looking for yours.

I wish seeing you like something on my instagram didn’t make my heart flip a hundred ways. But it does.

I wish tags and shares didn’t make me fall harder for you. But I do every time.

I wish your texts didn’t come in and turn into hour conversations of reminding me no matter who I meet they aren’t going to make me feel the same way you do.

I wish sitting next to you, even in silence, didn’t leave me feeling so whole because I look over at you when you aren’t looking my way and I’m happy to be alive in that moment.

I wish you wouldn’t text me in the moment I’m about to move on and it’s like you know. I don’t know how you know exactly what to say at the most inopportune time. But you do. And in a second I’m brought back staring at a stranger, I wish it was you. 

I wish you wouldn’t pick and choose when you want me cause every time you disappear, I think it’s me that’s done something wrong.

Which leads to an unnecessary apology further proving I need you and I’d do anything to keep you.

I wish I didn’t compare everyone to you. And think they all simply fell short of all you are and everything I made you up to be in my head.

I wish you weren’t every thought the minute alcohol touches my lips and I use that as an excuse to talk about you or talk to you.

I wish you weren’t every first thought in the morning and every last thing I think of before bed.

I wish I didn’t lay there at night wishing you were there. Knowing very well you’re probably in bed with someone else. 

I wish I didn’t look in the mirror fixating upon flaws thinking that’s why I don’t care enough. Thinking it’s me not good enough for you.

I wish I didn’t mean it when I say I love you. But I love you so much I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings that lead to a dead end.

So I stay silent like it isn’t killing me to have this relationship we do.

I wish every time I pulled away, sometimes you would just let me.

You don’t like me enough to want to be with me, but you also don’t dislike me enough to let me go.

I wish I didn’t fear losing you as much as I do. But I think that’s exactly what needs to happen to get over you.

I just don’t know what will be harder, living with you in my life staring at something that will never be or letting go.

Because I know every time I let go, you’ll reach for me yet again, and all of this starts all over once more.

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