I’m Not The Girl You Date.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m the girl you think about dating. 

I’m the girl you flirt with and hit on but that’s all it is.

I’m the girl who will always be there when you need me to be.

The one who shows how she feels a little too obvious sometimes.

I’m the one you know you could have if you wanted to.

But the thing is, all you really want is the attention.

Because I don’t keep you guessing.

I don’t keep you on your toes.

I don’t play hard to get.

I’m honest.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m not the girl you tell your friends about. 

But I am the one that’s in the back of your mind.

I’m the girl you can talk to about anyone or anything.

Even if it hurts me to hear.

I’m the one who will boost your confidence when your heart gets broken.

Filling your ears with compliments.

Because that’s how I truly see you.

I’m not the girl you’ll lose sleep over at night. 

Or fall head over heels for.

I’m the girl who hasn’t given up on you.

The one who has won over your heart slowing winning a piece of it.

No matter how many times you tried to deny it.

I’m the girl who got into your heart and life carefully.

But I’m not the girl you date.

I’m not the girl who needs a lot of attention.

But I value what you do give me.

Even if it’s less than I deserve.

I’m the girl who will forgive you when you’re wrong.

Because I understand anger is really masked pain.

And I’m the one you can always take it out on.

Knowing I’ll forgive you.

I’m the girl who will answer your text embarrassingly fast. 

I’m the one who will open every snapchat the second I get it.

And look at every story first.

I’m the girl who will blow up your notifications.

Because in a generation I fail to understand apparently that’s showing you care.

I’m the girl who will always give more than I get.

The one who starts every conversation.

The one who makes every plan.

The one who doesn’t meet you halfway, but you don’t have to raise a finger.

I’m the girl who will give her best.

Give the most.

Love the hardest.

Because that’s all I really know how to do.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m the girl you’ll always think is right there waiting.

Until I get tired.

Tired of waiting.

Tired of trying.

Tired of hoping.

Tired of trying to prove I deserve you.

And when I get tired enough.

I’ll walk away.

And it’ll break my heart to not look back.

It’ll break me to learn undo you.

Because you’ve become a habit.

I’m not the girl you date.

I’m the girl you think about dating.

The girl you know would be good for you.

The girl you look for every reason not to take a chance on.

I’m not the girl you date.

But when it’s over.

And I’m the one that gets hurt.

I’m the girl you’ll look back at with regret.


Beware Of This Guy.

Don’t date a guy until you meet a guy who is truly a gentleman in every sense of the word. 

Someone who has manners.

From opening your door, to taking your jacket, to pulling out your chair.

Don’t date a guy until he gives you his undivided attention.

One who isn’t constantly looking at his phone in your presence.

One who understands the value of time and values you’ve given him yours.

Don’t date a guy until you find someone willing to pay.

Because that’s how he’s been raised.

Don’t date a guy until he wants to meet your family.

One who brings something with him to give to your mom.

One who respects your dad and wants to build that relationship.

Don’t date a guy until he proves he wants you in his future. 

One who talks about dates, time, and things you’ll be included in.

Don’t date a guy who is unsure. 

Unsure of his future.

Unsure of you.

One who doesn’t know his next move.

One who keeps you guessing.

One who plays games.

And is probably playing more than just you.

Don’t date until he shows you he wants you and only you.

Someone who demands commitment and doesn’t fear it.

Don’t date a guy until he takes your hand proudly and leads you into a room.

Because he wants everyone to know you are with him.

The one whose friends already know you.

The one whose family already loves you and includes you.

Don’t date a guy that takes things fast.

Because the good ones know the best things are worth waiting for.

The one who works to break down your walls.

The one who doesn’t take off the moment he sees you at your worst or most vulnerable.

But matches it and lets you in too.

Don’t date a guy until he respects you.

Respects your views.

Your choices.

Your career.

Your hobbies.

And whether or not he’s into the same thing, he supports you.

Don’t date a guy until he proves he has your back.

And will always defend you.

As you will him.

One who knows the foundation of a good relationship is that built on trust.

Someone who knows you guys are a team.

And you work to build each other up.

Not someone who tears you don’t.

Don’t date him unless hurting you breaks his heart to a point where he can’t continue with his day until he knows you are okay.

Someone who doesn’t walk away when you fight. But fights with you to fix it. 

Don’t date him unless he shows you he really cares.

Because relationships are so much more than words.

A good morning text is nice, but flowers sent to your office is better.

A like and a comment are nice, but taking you out and surprising you is better.

Saying I love you first is nice, but telling you exactly why he loves you is better.

The little details he notices about you. The reasons why.

It’s actions.

Relationships are so much more than some Instagram picture and hoping you get a lot of likes.

It’s about what is behind that.

We all want to appear like our relationship is picture perfect.

But don’t date a guy until it is.

Don’t settle just because you are lonely.

Wait for the right person who will change your life in such a way it becomes the best life you have.

Wait for what you deserve.

Wait for the person who can’t live without you.

Wait for the one who chooses you every day.

Because he is out there.

So until you find a man who is all these things, don’t date.

Dating after divorce.




Why Me?

The truth is, when you asked me what’s wrong, I’m never going to respond with “I’m depressed.” The truth is, those words taste like acid coming off my tongue. Instead, I’ll say, “I’m tired.” I’m always tired.

From the outside looking in, I’m not someone who should be depressed. I get frustrated with myself sometimes because I know this. I know there are people wishing for the things I do have and I should be grateful counting my blessings. I shouldn’t be sad.

I was raised in a good loving family. They gave me everything I could have wanted and needed. When I compare myself to my siblings, I’m overcome with the frustration of why I feel the things as heavy as I do. And why can’t I be normal?

I got a good education. I did well in school. I got a lot of awards. I have a great job I do well enough at. I love working. I have a good social circle and good friends. There isn’t a weekend I’m not invited somewhere. I’m actively involved in a lot of charities. Pictures of me smiling and laughing. If you asked people to describe me, they’d say I’m funny, entertaining, their favorite person to go out with. Those are my good days.

I don’t say these things to be boastful. I say this because this is the reality of someone living with depression. The truth is, I’ve mastered the art of playing two very different roles.

From the outside looking in, one would think I have a perfect life. But the truth is, the word “perfect” makes me cringe. The word “perfect” is a reminder of the things I lack.

Because I’m not overcome with sadness all the time. I’m not screaming for a cry for help. I’m not talking about it. Depression hides under my skin hidden just there with me, something only I know. Plagued with this negativity that overcomes me and turns me into someone I don’t even recognize, someone I have to hide from everyone. It comes lurking in the late hours of the night, keeping me awake. 

Feeding me lies.

“You don’t have friends. You are alone. No one cares. You aren’t good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Accomplished enough. Normal enough. You will never beat this. You will never escape me. I’ll always be here.”

And I know these things aren’t true. But when you’re laying there at night because you canceled on your friends again and you’re going through your news feed and it seems like everyone is so much happier than you, in that moment those lies seem real.

And I know social media is simply the glamorized versions of people’s lives. I know it’s not real.

How many times have you been out and the party or bar that sucks, yet everyone is snapping it like it’s the party of the year?

But depression tries to convince me lies. Depression tries to trick me into believing things I shouldn’t.

It’s the mornings I wake up and it actually takes effort to get out of bed. Because part of me just wants to lay there for hours if I could. But I know that will only make it worse.

It’s starting a day that I just want to already be over. And I know I should appreciate every day I have. Depression makes me feel selfish. Because while I lay there sad, I know someone is taking their last breath and I should appreciate life more. 

It’s having to talk myself into eating because I’m not hungry. I’m never that hungry. But I know I have to eat. It’s when one bad day turns into two then three and I have to think about when was the last time I had a meal?

But then there are also those moments where I just want to eat everything.

It’s going out and faking a smile and laughing. Because I’m 44 and I’m supposed to enjoy drinking and partying, but looking around at everyone and feeling so alone.

It’s my close friend looking at me, “you can fool everyone here but you can’t fool me. You’re off today.” Then we leave. And at the same time of me wanting to shut him out and push him away, it’s the company I need that’s most vital. It’s laying there with him on the couch not saying anything but not needing to. Just need his arms around me and that’s enough to get me through the night.

And I know these deep and dark feelings will fade, it’s just getting through what feels like a storm which is the challenge.

Then I have good days. The good days almost make the bad ones worth it. But I know those will fade too. So I cling to them as best I can because it’s that which gives me strength.

It’s the conversation I don’t want to have because I can’t describe what it is I’m feeling. I can’t understand why I’m feeling this way.

It’s reaching for anything I can to numb the pain even if it’s toxic habits. Because I know I shouldn’t drink that much. I know alcohol is a depressant and once being drunk fades, I fall faster and harder. But in the moment numbing my pain is the only thing I’m thinking about. Even if the happiness isn’t real, in that moment while I’m laughing throwing back shots, it feels like it is. 

Depression is the unbalance of everything in my life. Eat well 3 days in a row then like shit the next. Sleep well one night then not get out of bed for hours. Go to the gym for 6 hours then skip it for the next week. I can’t describe it really. Only that everything is off. From my life to the chemicals in my brain, and I know it’s not my fault but it feels like it is.

For someone who is high achieving and cares so much about my reputation, it’s hard to not blame myself. It’s hard to not think this has nothing to do with chemicals or family history, I look in the mirror and I think it’s my fault. Like it’s something I’m choosing.

I look at my family who is always worrying about me and I want to say sorry for troubling them and being a burden.

I try entirely too hard in every relationship. I think I have to. I think I have to give people a reason to stay. Because if they see this side of me, they’re gonna wanna take off. Even though so many people have seen the worst sides of me and have chosen to stay, all I’m overcome with and think about are those who have left.

I love people a little too hard because it’s a process of learning to love myself. And I’ll admit I don’t know how to. 

When everyone loves you and cares about you and has nothing but good things to say, it’s really frustrating when you look in the mirror and you don’t see those things.

People ask why I work so hard, try so hard, do so much. And I’m not trying to make them look bad. I’m not trying to be some brown nosed, goodie-goodie. It’s just I need to be doing something. I need to be busy. I need to have a schedule and things to look forward to if I’m going to beat this. Because if I don’t have these things and I don’t have the structure, I fall apart and fall into myself and get trapped in my own head, which is the worst place in the entire world to be. 

I don’t fit the stereotype of someone who is depressed. I wasn’t the emo kid in high school wearing all black cutting my wrists in the guidance counselor’s office every week. I was friends with everyone. I had good grades. I was popular. My letters of recommendation for college were glowing and I got into almost every school I applied to. And all of that continued in college. But maybe that’s the point. You don’t see depression. Because depression is all about how well you can hide it.

There shouldn’t be a stereotype because I think we all feel these things sometimes. Regardless of how popular you are or the type of family you come from. There is no pattern to that we can trace to connect people who are depressed. The only thing we can say is everyone feels these things sometimes. I just think some people are a little better at hiding it than others. 



Missing Her.

I once read somewhere that the difference between guys and girls when it comes to missing someone is, girls feel everything immediately. But it takes guys a little bit longer to realize it.

So then I got to wondering, if that’s the case, why do people lose each other at all?

Over time it becomes just another relationship that’s ended. Two hearts hurting. Two people gone. Ego and pride overtake genuine feelings leading to a silence that goes from days to weeks to months. Then you realize this person who you knew better than anyone, becomes a stranger.

We break each other’s hearts by hiding the things we feel. The moments of vulnerability. The moments we wish we could say something. But we don’t. The moments we want to make it right. Only no one takes that step.

We are waiting for the other person to make the first move.

That’s how you become strangers with someone you loved and cared about.

So if you’re wondering why you haven’t heard from her, if you’re wondering if she misses you, if you are wondering where she is or who she’s with, or who she’s sleeping next to at night…do something about it.

The answer is yes. How could she not miss someone like you?

The truth is, she’s trying to just keep busy to keep her mind off of you. And she does everything to distract herself from the pain she feels. She misses you even if she’s not saying it.

So if you miss her too…

Say something. Do something. Don’t lose someone who cares about you because she still does. And she probably always will.

Because the truth is, she misses you too. She’s just trying to be strong. The truth is, there’s a list of things she wishes she could say but she’s letting silence overcome what’s in her heart. The truth is, she followed her heart and it led her to dead end alone. Now she’s following her head but all of it is unnatural to someone like her. All of it is her fighting against herself because she thinks if you missed her, you’d say something.

The truth is, the silence irks her and while her life seems a little quieter, it’s a silence that haunts her. She hasn’t reached out to anyone in days and when her phone does go off, she keeps wishing it’s your name she sees. But all it is are close friends asking how she’s doing.

She’s trying to be strong. But everything about you being gone brings her to her knees, as she tosses and turns at night.

She thinks time, space, and distance are for the best, but how could anything that hurts this much be for the best?

She doesn’t want to invest time, emotions, and energy into someone who doesn’t miss her too. So she’s trying to put on a brave face. But it’s killing her to be this strong. It’s killing her to not hear from you. It’s killing her to miss you like she does. But she doesn’t think you care. She doesn’t think you give half a shit.

Why miss someone who doesn’t miss you?

But I know you miss her too. I know you’re wondering what’s she up to these days. Because when you form an emotional connection with someone, leaving doesn’t just affect one-half of the whole, it affects everyone involved.

You didn’t just impact her life, she impacted yours too.

I know you miss telling her things. I know you miss the hour conversations that made days go by quicker. You miss her insight. Her advice. Her guidance. You miss seeing something and sending it to her. Now everything you look at reminds you of her. I know you miss the time you spent together as those memories play on repeat in your mind. It’s the little things that creep up. 

And you type something only to delete it because part of you wants to push send but you’re also just waiting for her to make that move.

Each of you are waiting.

Each of you still cares.

But each of you are doing nothing about it.

You didn’t just come into each other’s lives to become another sad story you each regret. You are so much more than that.

And I know you still care. I know you miss her too.

And if you ask me how I know, it’s because she’s feeling these things too, she’s staying silent refusing to admit you were one of the best things that have ever happened to her.