Toxic.

I think in a toxic relationship one doesn’t actually realize how bad it is. It isn’t that they are naive or lack such self-confidence that they endure it, I just think it’s a relationship that gets seen through rose colors lenses. It’s a relationship that isn’t 100% bad all the time, which is why people get away with it. But more than that, there’s a love there for the way the person is at their best that makes it hard to walk away. 

And when you’ve invested enough time and energy into someone, you don’t want to be wrong about them. You don’t want to accept you wasted time and energy in someone who was a lost cause.

It takes everything in her to walk away. But once she does, it’s a completely different person who comes out of the relationship as a result. Walking away might seem like the easy part, but it isn’t. It is everything after that which is hard. It’s learning to not only trust others again or love someone else, but learning to trust yourself and love yourself while someone spent time teaching you that you didn’t deserve it.

1. Understand she’s not weak for staying in it.

She’s not weak for being with someone who didn’t deserve her and manipulated her over time. Toxic people are the ones who are weak for needing to control someone and knock them down to feel better about themselves.

When a toxic person doesn’t have control of parts of their own life, they try and control others.

2. She’s strong for enduring it as long as she did.

There’s strength in believing in someone so much you love them through their worst parts. There’s strength in hoping they stay their best self all the time. But toxic people have two very opposite sides to them. It’s the charming charismatic side, then there is the part of them that loses their temper and takes it out on the last person who deserves it.

3. Understand she’s forgotten what she deserves.

When you endure mistreatment long enough, your standards shift from high expectations to suddenly hanging into good moments that are few and far between.

It’s going to throw her off entirely when you start treating her normally. It’s unfamiliar to her, but that doesn’t give you a pass to treat her less than she deserves for it.

4. So you gotta teach her how a real man treats someone.

Constantly show her this is what you deserve and everything in the past was something you didn’t.

5. Understand her expectations are very low.

She’s expecting everything to end badly. She’s not setting the bar high or getting her hopes up at all. She’s just going through the motions checking her back because she’s learned she has to.

6. Simply to protect herself from getting hurt again.

If overcoming a toxic relationship has taught her anything it’s that she’ll never let someone hurt her, control her, or impact her so much as her past relationship. She changed because that was her only chance of overcoming it and walking away.

7. Understand she doesn’t trust you or herself at all.

When the person she chose completely deceived her and turned out not being what she expected and she endured it for longer than she should have, not only does she question others but she questions her own judgment as well.

8. It’s something that will take time and patience.

Every move you make, everything that happens, you gotta follow her lead in it. She’s scared and doesn’t trust people. That’s going to take time, to build back up.

9. Understand she’s going to doubt and overthink everything.

Overthinking and those red flags in her head are there to protect her. She’s not going to trust you at all at first. But if you can understand it isn’t you, she doesn’t trust, it’s people in her past that made her question even good guys, maybe you’ll gain sympathy and understanding of where she’s coming from and work with her through it.

10. And when you get too close she’ll push you away.

She has walls higher than anyone. And there are very few that get past it. Just when you think you’ve made progress with her and you’re starting to get somewhere, she’s going to pull away. Just let her come back around. Don’t suffocate her. Don’t pressure her. She’s used to that and she doesn’t respond well to it.

11. Understand she’s going to think there’s some catch.

While you’re simply treating her the way you were taught to treat women, to her it’s unusual. In the past, kindness has come bearing favors and used as blackmail. So the concept of being nice because she deserves it is foreign to her.

Teach her she deserves genuine kindness just because.

12. Understand that she thinks fighting is normal.

She’s going to anticipate fighting. She’s going to expect things to end only to begin again. She expects running in circles.

That first fight she’s going to expect you to take off running and it’s her fault.

When you fight with someone toxic they manipulate you into thinking the cause and effect is never them but something you caused them to do.

“Had you done this correctly I wouldn’t have yelled as much as I did.” 

“Had you not acted that way, I wouldn’t have gone after you.”

The common phrase of “you made me do it,” justifies mistreatment.

13. And will apologize even when she’s not wrong.

If you guys do fight, she’s always going to be the one to take the heat and apologize. She just wants the fight to end and she’ll do anything to ensure that.

14. Understand she’s going to try really hard all the time.

When you are in a toxic relationship, you’re always trying to prove you deserve them and they don’t do anything to reciprocate it. It’s led her to think to gain anyone’s interest she’s gonna have to try really hard.

At first, her gestures and kindness will be unusually over the top because people who come out of toxic relationships treat others so well for three reasons.

The first is, nothing they ever did was good enough so they had to try hard. 

The second is, she gave someone else the love she should have been giving herself but forgot she deserved.

Third, she will never treat someone the way others have treated her in fact, she uses that mistreatment to do the complete opposite.

So when she loves again and lets someone new into her life, you’re going to get all these things and it’s going to blow you away.

15. But doesn’t expect you to do the same.

She doesn’t do things in hopes it comes back to her. She does things because making someone else happy brings her happiness.

16. She will open up to you about her past.

Eventually, she will trust you enough to tell you everything. Even though she’s really nervous to. She considers vulnerability weakness. But she’ll tell you these things and not even get worked up about it. And it will be in those moments she tells you the worst things that have ever happened to her, you see strength in her eyes.

17. And it’ll be there you fall in love with her.

You’ll fall in love with her for the person she became as a result of all of this. You’ll look at her and want to treat her well for every person in her past who never did.

It’ll be there you teach her love isn’t about control. 

Love isn’t manipulation.

You build her back up and love her the way she deserves and in return, you get a love so pure, so genuine, and so unconditional, she’ll heal you in ways you didn’t even know you needed just as you did her. 




Trying To Move On.

The hardest thing you’ll ever learn to do is walk away from someone you love with all your heart. Sometimes though you have to when they aren’t being what you need. 

It’s every time you try to pull away, he’s right there trying to bring you back in.

It’s like every time you’re about to move on, he knows it.

It’s the text that came at the most inopportune time as you’re holding someone else’s hand and you wonder how he knows.

It’s this dance you can’t seem to get right because he’s the one picking the music and just when you think you figured it out, he changed everything to throw you off.

It’s the games he makes the rules to and swore you didn’t want to even play. But you are.

It’s everything he knows he’s doing and the control he has over you.

Every time you’ve made progress or think you’re two steps ahead, with one word he makes you fall back five.

Maybe he likes having you there to boost his ego. Maybe he knows you need him more than he needs you. Maybe you’ve built him up in your mind to be someone he isn’t, but you can’t even see that this relationship isn’t benefiting you, even though you think the world of him.

But your friends see you fall apart with every game he plays. You’re friends see the emotional toll it’s taking on you to maintain this relationship that isn’t one. Your friends get the screenshots and the questions. Your friends are the phone call as you hold back tears in the bathroom trying to keep it together as you wonder why he is doing what he’s doing. You’re friends know every time you say you’ve moved on and you’re over it, you’re lying to both yourself and them.

Because you’re in so deep and so emotionally invested, even they don’t know what to say to pull you out of it.

He haunts you like a catchy tune you refuse to turn off.

And with every circle, you run, and every move you each make, you’re the one falling and he’s just watching.

Sometimes the people we want to talk to most are the ones who deserve our silence. 

But it’s difficult because you can’t even imagine your life without him. He’s become a habit and part of this routine.

You’ve let him influence you so much, he’s almost embedded painfully within you.

But he isn’t what you need, but you can’t seem to let him go either.

You swear you’ll move on one day. You swear you won’t answer his text. But every time their name appears on your phone, you jump.

Every time there is even a potential prospect of someone treating you the way you deserve, you fall back into him.

Everyone tells you, you gotta cut him off and let him go, but there’s a deep love you have for him that prevents you to.


He might be a good guy. But understanding that sometimes people can be good but not good for you, will save you a lot of heartbreak and confusion.

You’re holding onto something that isn’t there and probably never was.

But the truth is, you’ll never move on and get what you deserve as long as he’s in your life and you’re talking to him every day.

He’s filling a space in your heart and he doesn’t deserve to be there because he isn’t reciprocating your feelings. And while you let him stay there, you’re missing out on someone who can give you what he’s choosing not to.

But every day you talk to him, you’re taking steps further away from finding that person.

And I know you want it to be him at the end of all of this, but even if you guys did ever get it right, you’d never trust him. Because anyone who has to break your heart or put you through this only then to realize you’re worth, is settling. 

I promise you the moment you actually really let go and move on and ignore him, he’ll be the one suddenly jumping through hoops and trying as hard as you did. But by then you won’t even flinch when he tells you everything you wanted to hear. Because by then it’ll be too late.


I Wish.

All of these games we play, I can’t even keep ’em all straight. Do we mean what we say? We got lines crossed all over the place, yeah I can’t tell if I’m winning or losing. Somebody tell me what are we doing? This break-up, make-up, hot and cold thing got me dizzy. You don’t want me til I got somebody with me.” – Luke Bryan

I wish love were simple for you. I wish the people you cared for could see the value in you investing emotions and feelings into them. I wish people would see the effort you put into a relationship and reciprocate it. 

I wish you’d never question yourself based on someone else’s inability to see your worth. I wish you wouldn’t look at your reflection fixating upon flaws you wish you could change. I wish you wouldn’t compare yourself to others.

But more than that, I wish people wouldn’t play you or mess with your head.

I wish they wouldn’t send mix signals. 

I wish they’d stop seeming like they were interested one day then ignore you the next.

I wish they’d stop the games.

I wish they’d stop blowing up your Instagram every time they ignore a text because everyone knows they saw it and no one is too busy.

I wish they’d stop opening your snap texts than look at your story only further to confirm they are in fact ignoring you.

I wish they’d stop tagging you in shit and sharing things because in that moment, they are sending the signal they are thinking of you. But then they shut it off.

I wish they’d stop viewing your story first, only to post one themselves in hopes you look at theirs too.

I wish they’d stop giving you attention the moment you try to pull away, only to blow up your phone when you’re busy.

I wish they’d stop pretending they like you only to later give you reasons why you can’t be together.

I wish people would stop with the blurry lines and confusion just because it’s some power move to boost their ego.

I wish people would make it simple.

Either stay or leave and stop going back and fourth fumbling through things they can’t figure out themselves.

Because it isn’t you they are doubting, but they themselves.

I wish people would stop canceling on you when I know you were looking forward to the plans but in the back of your head you knew not to get your hopes up.

I wish people would stop building up emotional relationships across social media but refuse to have IRL relationships. Because relationships are so much more than a like and a share and who views what first and who is better at making some strategic move.

Because everyone knows it isn’t just a like when the person only choose certain things. 

Because everyone knows the person who views your snap story consistently first means something even if they don’t want to admit it.

Everyone makes these moves just waiting to see how you react and it’s a constant battle of who cares less.

I wish relationships could be simple and easy and not painful.

I wish everyone was as honest as you. I wish everyone cared the way you do.

I wish everyone had the same heart you did because then they’d realize the implications of their actions.

Because you don’t deserve games and confusion. You don’t deserve to be led on. 

You deserve what you’d give someone else. And one day someone is going to see the value in you and not have to hurt you first to get there.


Overthinking.

Overthinking. It’s the nights you spend not sleeping as mistakes you’ve made in the past act as a plague to your mind. It’s worrying about things that might never happen as you dwell over the things that have. 

It’s every fear you have that paralyzes you. And as you think more, you hold back tears.

It’s failure becoming your worst reality in your mind. Failing class. Failing at a job. Failing in relationships.

People who overthink tend to strive for unrealistic expectations which lead to success.

But the cost is exhaustion maintaining it.

It’s being both physically and emotionally exhausted from a brain that never slows down or shuts off.

Overthinking is that pause between texts as you wonder how are they interrupting what you said. It’s typing and deleting and sending yet another because your mind is playing tricks on you. 

It’s the constant need for answers and responses just to keep your mind at bay and calm.

Overthinking is the voice of criticism that is trying to destroy you as it doubts everyone and everything around you. Then it makes you doubt yourself and second guess everything. You never follow your first instinct when you overthink things.

It’s following the destructive path your mind leads you down and you can’t make it stop if you want.

Overthinking is like some fire you can’t control and it just destroys everything in its path, including you.

It’s the critical voice that clings to mistakes only to bring them up later.

Overthinking feels like you’re constantly waiting for something but you don’t actually know what it is you’re waiting for.

Waiting for something to change. 

Waiting for something to go wrong.

Waiting for someone to get mad.

Waiting for something to end dramatically and it is your fault.

Overthinking come bearing apologizes you didn’t need to say in the first place but you’re sorry for questioning them and thinking the worst. It leads you thinking every worst scenario will be a reality.

Overthinking leads you to be overly cautious with everything.

Overthinking is like tiptoeing around everything like there are shards of broken glass below your feet and any wrong move will lead to pain.

It’s the fear of relationships because you need so much in a partner you wonder if you are better off alone.

Because how do you even explain to someone it isn’t you I’m doubting or don’t trust my mind is leading me to be so cautious? How do you explain to someone you’re interested in that you need to hear certain phrases over and over again like, “it’s okay” or “we are okay” or “I’m not leaving you.” 

Overthinking in relationships is accepting you aren’t going to be the strong and confident one ever. It’s needing that reassurance for every doubt. It’s needing someone to be honest all the time and explain things very thoroughly. It’s the conversations that might be awkward but the person needs to be able to communicate. Tell you when something is wrong. Tell you when you are mad. Tell you exactly what they are thinking. It’s the fights you want solutions to immediately because if you don’t, your mind will create ten more problems.

It’s listening to scenarios that are very real in your mind even though to a normal person it’s so out there.

Overthinking is caring too much, and no matter how much someone else’s opinion shouldn’t matter or that ignored text shouldn’t even impact you, under the surface, you are wondering what have I done wrong? And what can I do to fix it?

The root of overthinking is just wanting people to accept you and be happy with you because you are still learning how to be happy with yourself.

It’s choosing words so carefully because you never want to intentionally hurt someone.

Overthinking are the relationships that end and you always think it’s you to blame.

Overthinking are the solutions you want to fix to something that isn’t even a problem.

Overthinking is the want and need to control things because it feels like this thing in your life controls you.

But you know you learn to adapt to this thing that hurts to live with but you don’t even remember what it was like to live without it.

And as you navigate through ramped thoughts, you’ll find comfort in others who love you through this flaw and they learn to adapt to having someone like you a part of their life and they are the ones who help you through it constantly reminding you they won’t leave.


“Almost” Relationships 2.

“Almost relationships.” I hate those words. Because at the end of the day all it is, is someone not choosing you. Someone watching as you invest your time and effort into them, refusing to reciprocate it. And rather than reciprocating it, they take the bits and pieces of what they want from you to make themselves whole and choose when they want you in their life. As a result, it’s you that ends up broken and hurt.

While you fall harder for them, they watch, only they aren’t doing anything at all. But what makes almost relationships so painful is, as someone strings you along, your feelings develop more deeply for this person that seems so close but also at arm’s length. Developing deeper feelings for someone you can’t have doesn’t make you crazy. There is actual science behind it.

Helen Fischer, American anthropologist, and human behavior researcher did a TEDTalk about the chemistry of falling in love.

The dopamine in your brain is what controls addiction, craving and wanting something or someone. As someone rejects you or leads you on, it only leads you to want that person more deeply than you did before. Then serotonin controls the rapid thoughts in your brain and the nonstop thinking about a person.

But there is also the reverse of that. If you ever wonder why this person continues to lead you on or mess with you, it’s because they aren’t just getting satisfaction out of it or being cruel, those same chemicals are being released in their brain too when you respond. Ever wonder why they suddenly crave your attention the second you pull away? They too are seeking something they aren’t getting any more.

But regardless of the science, I can throw at you and how much this might make sense. It does still hurt.

It hurts caring about someone who doesn’t feel the same way. It hurts being left wondering could this ever be something? The games hurt. The confusion hurts. The difference between real relationships and these almost ones we find ourselves in is, there are blurry lines that make things confusing.

When a relationships end between a couple there’s a start and end there. There’s a label that gets removed and you have that closure, with almost relationships everything is ambiguous and there aren’t some set of rules to follow when these rules are constantly changing based on someone’s sudden interest or lack of interest.

So you try to move on, but it lingers and you’re left wondering.

And you could be with someone else who makes you laugh and smile but in the back of your mind, that person is always there because you don’t get closure to something that never started.

Everyone tries to justify it like your feelings aren’t valid because there wasn’t a label, but don’t ever let someone make you question if what you feel for someone else is true or not.

I say with a lot of certainty, you probably loved this person more than some people loved their significant other. And that’s brave to do. To love someone fearlessly when they weren’t reciprocating it, doesn’t make you foolish. They are the foolish ones for not seeing your value.

And you deserve someone who does. So as you embark on a new relationship and let someone new in, understand this person might always linger in your heart and in your life sometimes.

And there will be moments you compare that person to the one in front of you. There will be times when you think I don’t feel as deeply about this person as I did my almost relationship. And those deep feeling derive from trying harder than you had to. If you loved them as hard as you could, just maybe they would reciprocate it. So you kept trying and didn’t give up. But love isn’t supposed to be that hard. And the truth is, you’ll never love anyone in your life that deeply because you let them so close, you had to learn not to do that again.

But you do deserve someone who meets you halfway.

So when you start comparing these people when you start missing an old love, when you think you will never feel something as deeply for another person, you might be right but you aren’t supposed to fall that hard for someone who just watches. It’s okay to feel those things. Don’t feel guilty for it. Don’t feel guilty as your face turns red when this person texts you and your with someone else then you tell them it’s no one important.

Moving on from an almost relationship is a choice you have to make every day while they try to tempt you into falling back into an old routine. But as you were strong enough to love someone who didn’t love you back, you are strong enough to get over them too.

Getting over someone is a process, even if it’s someone we didn’t date. 

Give this person a chance they deserve because in the short time you’ve engaged in this new relationship, they’re probably giving you more than the last person ever did. They are probably trying harder and you don’t have to and that feels unfamiliar. They are probably reciprocating all these things you feel even if it scares you.

After an almost relationship comes fears of letting anyone that close. Fear of getting hurt again. Fear of someone deceiving you. And there’s also that fear of finally letting go of someone you invested so much time and energy into.

And I know it hurts to move on.

The moment you begin to, I know they see it. They see you pull away, they see you texting them less and making less of an effort, they don’t see your name in their notifications as much, then they see someone else enter your life. Suddenly every Instagram or snapchat story of yours, they’re looking at first just to see if he’s in it. Suddenly it’s them trying and it hurts you not to flinch when they do.

Suddenly they say those words you waited so long to hear, that they do care and they made a mistake and they are sorry. But if I can remind you of one thing, those are just words. 

They had their chance and they didn’t do anything about it while you did everything you could to make it work.

Remember, you deserve more than someone who has to lose you to realize your worth. 

Remember, sometimes it takes letting go of the person we want most to get the one we actually deserve.



Don’t Lead Me On.

1. When you lead her on, what you are really doing is making her question herself.

You’re making her think she’s crazy for interrupting things the way she has.

But you are the one changing your tune every so often.

It’s the texts you choose not to answer and she knows you saw it.

But then you blow up her phone when she pulls away.

2. When you lead her on, you make her think she’s the one not good enough.

Because no matter what she does or how hard she tries, it’s never good enough for you.

It’s the attention you give her one minute only to pull away from the next. 

It’s the kind gestures that are followed by neglect as the constant phrase of, “what the fuck” runs through her mind.

It’s you doing things not to be genuine, but out of guilt or rather to gain a sense of control over her.

It’s the plans you cancel because you’ve made her a choice while she’s made you a priority. 

But you aren’t the one hurt as she sits there dressed up with nowhere to go.

3. When you lead her on, what you are really doing is making her question her judgment.

Because there’s gotta be something wrong with her for investing time and emotion into someone who doesn’t care.

You make her question her confidence as she thinks she has to change something about her. 

And she tries to.

4. When you lead her on, you make her question love.

Because while she’s giving her whole heart to someone, what she’s getting back is pain.

She now associates love with heartbreak. Love with loneliness. Love with jealousy. Love with unkindness.
You’re making her feel lonely even in those moments you are right next to her.

You’re making her jealous just to see her reaction.

You’re choosing to be unkind because you know she’ll never say anything back or give you what you deserve.

5. When you lead her on, you are wasting her time and energy.

You are taking a spot in her heart that you don’t deserve.

You are accepting the love that’s given freely, even though you know you’ll never reciprocate it.

While you are bored just killing time to entertain the idea of her, she looks at you and hopes there could be a future.

6. When you lead her on, you are lying to her every day.

Because you and I both know you don’t actually want her.

You don’t actually like her. 

You like the idea of her.

You like her attention.

You like that she cares and you don’t have to.

But she deserves more than that. She deserves more than you. And the truth is, you’ve never been good enough for her.

It’s just gonna take someone else to show her that.

The kindest best thing you can do for her, just step aside and let someone love her the way you can’t. 

I Am, But I’m Not.

I’m not the girl you date. 

I’m not the girl you’ll fall head over heels for. 

I’m not the girl that will keep you up at night wondering about me. 

I’m the girl who will pick up the pieces when someone else hurts you.

I’m the girl who will build you up so much it’ll make your head big. 

And I’m not telling lies, I’m simply telling you this is how I see you. 

I’m girl who will answer every text shamefully fast. 

I’m the girl who will say I love you and not need to hear it back. 

I’m the girl who will break pieces of her own heart just to keep yours whole. 

The one who can function while broken. 

I’m girl who will watch you use me but not be fazed by it.

The one who can read you and knows every move you are making and why. 

But I go along with the game. 

I’m girl you’ll text when you’re drunk and you’re alone and you need attention. But I’m not the girl you go home with.

I’m the girl you can turn to for advice, even if it kills me to hear you talk about someone else. 

I’m the girl who will always help you even if it’s causing me pain.

I’ll never admit it. 

I’ll never call you out on it. 

Because I’m choosing to be this girl. 

I’m the girl who responds when you say jump, I’ll always ask how high? 

I’m the girl who will make all the effort without needing it reciprocated. 

I’m the girl who gets the scraps of what you choose to give and I’m just content with anything at all. 

I’m the girl who has mastered the art of saying I’m happy for you. Even though I wish it were me.

I’m the girl who will always wear her heart on her sleeve giving my best to those who might not deserve it, appreciate it, or value it. 

I’m the girl who will feel the pain with you and never let you feel alone.

Even though there are times you make me feel lonely. 

The one who is always trying even when you don’t. 

I’m the girl who will hurt when you leave, but smile as you go. 

I’m the girl you know will always be there so you don’t have to try to keep me. 

I’m the girl you can hurt, and know you’ll still get a second chance. 

I’m the girl who is brutally honest and blunt. 

I’m the girl who will love you for the rest of time. 

The one who holds on tight to people in her past hoping maybe they return. 

Even though clinging to the past kills me. 

But I’m also the girl who changes you.

The one people fear. 

The one you know would be good for you, but you don’t choose me.

The one who robs you of sleep only after the fact. 

The one who makes you hate your reflection for breaking the heart of someone who loved you. 

I’m the one that haunts you like a catchy tune you don’t like, but it lingers.

The one who is always there even when you’re the one to leave. 

The one who touches your heart so gently it leaves a mark you can’t get rid of.

Because I might not have been the girl you dated. But I’m the one you’ll always regret.