You Deserve More Than a Text.

It isn’t love you fear, it’s rejection. It isn’t love you fear as much as pain. It isn’t love you fear, it’s disappointment.

You fear getting hurt like you did before. You’re more guarded.

You associate caring with pain.

You associate love with fear.

You think back to a long list of people and stories that led to another dead-end.

You push people away but at the very same time, you want and need that connection. We all do.

When you are the type of person who fears getting hurt but loving unconditionally comes very naturally to you, you’re caught between a battle of your heart vs. your head.

Part of you wants to jump into things while the other half of you fears every step you take anticipating it being the wrong one.

You lay awake at night wondering if you’re doing this to yourself. If you’ve become so tainted expecting the worst of people suddenly manifests itself into bringing out the worst of everyone.

Sometimes you think it’s you and not every person which is why something goes wrong. It has nothing to do with the person you’re choosing.

When the common factor is you alone, every time something goes wrong, you point at yourself fixating upon flaws and things you shouldn’t have said. Maybe if you acted differently. Maybe if you said something else. Maybe if you didn’t make it so easy.

But love and relationships and giving your best are what comes easily to you.

With every disappointment, you swear you’re going to be more careful next time. You’re going to make it a bit harder to get you. You swear you won’t try so hard or care too much. You’ll do everything that doesn’t come naturally. You won’t wear your heart on your sleeve. You’ll finally be the one that cares less. You won’t be the one that gets hurt this time. You won’t be the one who gets disappointed. You won’t sit staring at your phone wondering when you made yourself this option they could choose. You swore the next time you wouldn’t sit here pointing the finger of blame at the person looking back at you in the mirror.

But here you are doing just that. Here you are rereading texts, replaying scenarios, wondering exactly at what moment did this person change their mind about you.

Alone you think you’ve made progress. You think I’m ready for someone new to enter my life. You think, okay I can do this. Then someone comes and it feels like one step forward and three back because here you are in the same relationship circle just with a different person playing the main role.

It’s exhausting to watch the same thing keep happening. But at the same time when you talk yourself through these things, yeah maybe there are things you could have done differently, but when you enter a relationship being exactly who you are and not changing, half of you just hopes that’s enough.

You hope this is the person who accepts you for it. You hope this is the person who adds confidence to every person who ever left you with doubt. You hope this is the person who looks at you and realizes everyone else made a mistake, but they won’t. You hope just maybe this time it’s a different outcome.

Because the truth is, all you need is one person to do that for you.

One person to show you you’ve done nothing wrong.

One person to show you there is nothing wrong with you.

One person to show you everything you look at as a flaw is what someone else sees as beauty.

You think you are to blame for all the baggage in your past, but all it takes is one person to show you, you didn’t need to hold onto that so tightly.

Because the truth is, the right person and the right type of love you deserve won’t leave you doubting them or doubting yourself. The right person will take every part of you as you are.

When you’re tired of getting hurt and all you’ve known is pain but you’re the type who can love deeply and give your best regardless of that, maybe the relationships you pine after and the people you think you want are less than you deserve. Maybe you deserve more than anything you’re aiming for.

Maybe you deserve more than just a text back. Maybe you deserve someone showing up at your door taking your hand and saying I want you and only you, no questions asked.

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A Day In The Life Living With Anxiety.

I’m tired. And my mom asks why I’m always tired. You just woke up. You just took a nap. You went to bed early. Take vitamins she suggests.

I closed my door early. I laid there staring at the ceiling. I replayed every mistake I made that day.

Some call me overachieving. But all I see is someone who only matters because of my success and without it I’d be nothing. When the thought of being number two makes me cringe to a point I work myself to a point of exhaustion.

Yes, I’m tired but I don’t know how to stop.

When the thought of failing anything leads to over-preparing so I don’t. When I associate happiness with success and achieving things, I’m never living in the moment. I just think about the next big thing. Then I lay awake at night wondering why all of these things aren’t filling this void I don’t know how to.

But regardless of all the things I may accomplish, I still feel like I’m falling short of these expectations that I put on myself.

When someone says proud, I wish I could feel what they feel. When someone compliments me then gives me constructive criticism, I only hear the negative. When the word “perfect” leads me to tears because I feel so far from it.

And I look at others wishing for what they have when they might be doing the same.

On the outside, I am calm and quiet. Everyone looks at me like I have it all together.

But on the inside is constant chaos within me. Like some storm and every wave that hits is destroying me, myelf only I’m causing it.

Relax. Breathe. Stop thinking. But I can’t. So I stay quiet and pretend.

Because anxiety is about the art of deception. It’s about how well I can play this role until it’s too much to handle and I have an anxiety attack I didn’t see coming over something so small.

Because I don’t lose my shit over the big things I probably should. But I’m in tears screaming when my parents tell me they threw away something of mine.

I am my own worst critic and worst enemy.

It’s the thoughts that never end. My mind is in a million places at once and I try to live in the moment. I get mad at myself when I don’t. But it’s not easy for me to just be present.

I jump at any movement of my phone. I broadcast this life that others aspire to have, I obsess over likes and strangers approval because I haven’t found that within myself yet.

I constantly compare myself to others thinking I fall short, thinking I’m in some competition.

It’s every worst scenario coming to life. I play it out in my head just so I know to respond to it.

It’s the relationship that ends before it even begins. It’s a first date where I am so nervous about saying the wrong thing or saying too much. It’s anticipating it not working out when they might very well like me, but I’m looking for every reason and every sign that they might not.

It’s the text message that doesn’t get answered. And instead of pointing at them and saying it’s a flaw on their part for not seeing my worth and wanting to give me the time of day, the first thought is, what did I do wrong? How can I make this right? Should I apologize?

It’s a fight that puts me emotionally over the edge and next thing I know I’m in a ball hysterically crying alone, but I would never let someone see me in this state. It would ruin my reputation and how I want people to perceive me.

It’s the words “I’m sorry,” and friends don’t even know why I’m saying it. And if I told them I came up with 10 scenarios as to why this friendship ended in my head, all of it came down to was something that happened years ago and they forgave me. But I haven’t forgiven myself.

Anxiety is clinging to every mistake I made or haven’t made yet.

It’s the carefully executed text where I think about what I am going to say only to edit it a million times so it’s right. Rereading it in my head and my heart racing when I push send.

It’s watching closely to every detail and every person’s body language, tone, response, and I think they don’t like me. But in reality, it’s just you being paranoid.

I come off as unapproachable at work or school. But I’m just nervous.

Anxiety isn’t just worrying. It’s this lifestyle no one would choose.

Yeah, I’m tired. But there isn’t enough sleep to change the person I am. There isn’t enough sleep to change the chemistry in my brain. There isn’t enough sleep that can change waking up and suddenly not being this person anymore.

I’m always going to care too much. Think too much. And I wish it could stop. But it doesn’t. I just learn to try to live with it the best I can.

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