I’m always going to be that first text.
The one doing double takes looking at my phone.
The one who answers quickly regardless of how much time you let pass.
The one who sucks at hiding emotions.
You look at my face and you see every emotion across it.
I’m always going to be the one making the plans.
The one investing more time, emotion, and effort if I think you’re worth it.
I’m always going to be the one who falls a little too fast and hard.
No matter how many time I crash at the bottom.
The truth is, there isn’t a painful enough ending that’s changed me.
Sometimes I wish there was.
I’m always going to be the one that tries a little too hard for someone.
And it isn’t that I don’t know my self-worth or I’m overcompensating for things I lack.
It’s just who I am. Even when I wish I was someone else.
Someone who puts 110% into everyone and everything.
And when you tell me to care less, I’m not going to know how to.
Trying too hard to please people has always come very naturally to me.
To me, it doesn’t seem like much of an effort at all.
I’m always going to look at others before myself.
My greatest attribute is also a shortcoming.
Selfless over selfish.
When maybe sometimes it should be the opposite.
Giving my best, but always expecting the worst.
The one who constantly tries.
The one who is tired, but still finds the energy and time to not let people down.
Even though so many people in the past have let me down and disappointed me.
I hate being asked the question “would they do the same?”
Because most the time they wouldn’t.
But I’ve never based my life on keeping score but rather what value do I add to someone else’s life.
And it isn’t just romantic relationships, it’s every relationship.
Every family relationship.
Always being the one who takes care of everything.
And even when it’s hard, I make it look easy.
Even when I’m tired, somehow find energy.
Running myself thin is what I’m used to.
Even when I need to be in two places at once, I somehow make it happen.
And if I let someone down, I take it very personally.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve.
Doing everything I possibly can to make others happy.
Hoping and praying it’s enough.
And thank you’s get replaced with silence.
Appreciation turns into expectation.
And people ask why I try too hard.
And sometimes I wonder it myself.
Sometimes I wish I had a heart that cared less.
A brain that didn’t constantly over analyze things thinking maybe it’s me.
Someone who didn’t take things so personally.
A heart that cares too much seems to be the one that always gets hurt the worst.
But somewhere on the verge of faith being shaken, I think and hope and pray someone sees the value in a heart that’s soft in a world that’s tried so hard to make it hard.