Open Topic

Comfortably Numb.

The almost relationship.

The casual consistent hookup that never turned into more.

The emotional connection where you each knew something was there, but you left it ambiguous.

The what if.

The hardest relationships to get over will always be the ones that don’t meet the definition of what a real relationship actually was, but everything felt the same.

To sit here and tell anyone what they felt wasn’t justified or acceptable just because it didn’t turn out how they hoped it would, would be like telling every person who has ever been dumped they aren’t allowed to be sad about it.

The only difference between these two types of relationships was some label.

But justifying how someone feels based on labels, is complete and total bullshit when I love you means the exact same thing.

Sometimes we end up loving the people who weren’t entirely ours more than we did those who gave us that title. Pining after the person we wanted, even if they were the last one we needed.

The what if factor. The maybe. The one day.

They leave you with a hope you don’t ever truly let go of.

It’s people who haunt us years after the fact.

The moments we wonder could something still happen.

You hate yourself for admitting it but if they one day wanted you, you let them have you even with the pain they’ve caused.

When real relationships end, there’s this odd comfort with a start and finish.

But with the other relationship, you don’t get closure. You’re left with all of these feelings that didn’t exactly go away, you were just left to let them linger within you.

Real relationships get a goodbye and you heal.

But the other relationship, you just have to move forward and at any moment that person can come waltzing back into your life as they did often and those feelings resurface again.

You don’t get healing with the person you never dated.

You just learn to live with this pain that becomes comfortably numb.


Open Topic

It Wasn’t Me They Loved.

There is nothing romantic about loving someone who loves someone else. And it never works out the way you want it too. Because the truth is, if someone is standing right in front of you and still choosing someone else, their mind isn’t going to change. And there isn’t a kind enough gesture or anything you can do to change that.

But the thing you have to remember, it isn’t your responsibility to change how someone feels about you.

It seems the ones we can’t have are always the ones we want the most.

Everything about it hurts though.

Here you are standing there with all of these emotions you can’t even control or know what to do with. So you try to hide how you feel only that makes it more obvious.

When you love someone and you try to deny it, it’s written across your face for everyone to see and when it’s someone you shouldn’t care about, it’s just awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. You don’t bother saying anything because you know nothing will come of it.

So you tiptoe around this elephant in the room no one wants to talk about or address.

But everything eventually comes out and when it does, it’s ugly and emotional and heartbreaking and straight up awkward.

And you feel guilty and ashamed by it. Because you shouldn’t feel the way you do, but you can’t help it.

You feel jealous towards someone you might not even know. This jealousy turns you into a version of yourself you hate. Because it isn’t like you to be like this. You end up almost ruining the relationship.

You feel like an idiot having feelings for someone who cares about someone else, and you blame yourself for all of it.

You walk away with your head down, everyone involved needing time and space, and you don’t even know if there is anything left to salvage in a relationship that wasn’t actually one.

This person goes from a friend to a stranger and there is a pain to that and there is guilt on each side. You feel bad for making their life worse, and they feel bad for hurting you.

But time does end up healing the situation.

And you realize if the worst thing about you is, that you loved someone you weren’t supposed to a little too much, that’s not too bad in the long run.

If you’re lucky, if you’re really lucky, you figure out a way to get past it.