Don’t you dare let anyone tell you the things you feel aren’t justified or allowed. Don’t let some label or lack there-of make you convince yourself it wasn’t real. Because no one can rewrite the history you have with someone. And when it’s a physical or emotional relationship that has been lost, it’s okay that it still hurts. It’s okay to replay that final goodbye like it was a breakup, even though you were together. Because something did end. Even if there isn’t a name for that something.
When people told me, “well, you didn’t even date…” Under my breath I told those people to go fuck themselves because how dare they tell me how I was supposed to feel, put that in some box.
When you fight for someone for however long you might have. When you pour your heart out to them. When you never stop giving up even when they are the ones who ask you to. When you’re screaming and fighting and tears are streaming down your face because things aren’t good between you and it physically hurts. When the thought of them just makes all of these feelings so simple. Wanting them to just want you. Hoping one day they turn around and say “okay let’s do this.”
When physically, it’s the relationship that ruins you for anyone else who touches you. When emotionally, you look for that familiarity in someone knowing you better than you know yourself. Looking for them in the eyes of strangers hoping you find yourself there. That’s love.
When someone walks away from that and you lose whatever that relationship was, it’s okay to still mourn it. Even if you aren’t those people anymore. It’s okay to still wonder. It’s okay to play the what if game. Because at one point, you truly believed it could have been something more. Looking at them and seeing a future you wanted so badly to become a reality.
Someone who knows you. Someone who knows to call you back when you hang up. Someone who can look at you and tell what type of day you had based on your body language. Someone who can hear it simply by the tone of your voice. Someone who knows when something is off and knows exactly how to respond to it. Someone who knows you to the core of who you are.
They know your habits and corks. They notice little things like how you look away when you’re lying or how you always like standing on their right side. They know your triggers, but don’t use it against you. They know your secrets, but keep them in confidence. They know your vices, and don’t judge you for it. They know when to show the fuck up when something is wrong, even if they are angry and you’ve been fighting.
The one who pulls you in close and you can feel it in every inch of your body, even if you don’t know what that it is. And you know it’s always going to be there.
That’s what you’ve been looking for in everyone else.
When they are someone who has learned your past because they’ve lived with you through it. Someone who has seen every version of who you’ve become up to this point. Someone who knows you because they made you who you are.
That first look. That first kiss. That first touch. That first I love you. That moment you realized you could trust them with everything. Even your heart.
That moment someone you cared about asked you to choose between them and you. And you would have walked had they let you. And in the back of your mind, you thought how dare anyone ask that of you because that person never would make you choose. That’s when you know they are the right choice.
No one can take the history you have with someone away. No one can rewrite it. And even if they forget some parts, it’s okay to always remember.
That pain you feel guilty for because “you didn’t date,” is just an indication of how much you loved them. How much you were willing to sacrifice.
People spend their entire lives looking to love someone that much. And when you’re lucky. When you’re really lucky, they choose to love you back.
But someone choosing us is never within our control.
Sometimes we find ourselves in these stories where the love is there but someone says goodbye because they realize they can’t be what you need or deserve. Even if you still think they can. That isn’t up to you to decide.
We can spend our entire lives hoping and praying someone can turn out to be who we know in our hearts they are. But waiting for someone like that is a prison sentence with no end in sight.
Sometimes the people we love say goodbye because they are ridding you of that waiting. They know you would have never quit them. You already proved that. And them quitting you is just a testament of them loving you the best way they can by letting you go.
By letting you be with someone who deserves you more than they do and can be what they weren’t able to.