Slowly Learning.

I’m slowly learning that goodbye doesn’t have to hurt. But what hurts is clinging to the past.

I’m slowly learning to let go of the things I need to. The people no longer meant for me.

I’m slowly learning to stand still when someone walks away instead of chasing them. That the right people will, in fact, be the ones that stay.

I’m learning to not analyze my reflection, thinking maybe there was something I lacked. Or something I did wrong. But rather understanding the difference between being good enough for someone and being right enough for them.

I’m slowly learning to stop revisiting my past because I can’t change anything that happened there. And sometimes I won’t ever get the answers of why things happened as they did.

I’m slowly learning to not stare at my phone hoping maybe this will be the day I hear from you. That maybe you changed your mind.

I’m slowly learning there are some mistakes I can’t change. Some people who might not forgive me. But that shouldn’t influence me forgiving myself and trying to move forward. That sometimes the best thing to do is learn.

I’m slowly learning to not waste any more time then I have.

I’m slowly learning to take responsibility for my happiness.

I’m slowly learning to wake up and start my day on a good foot even if it still hurts sometimes.

Even if they still meet me in dreams that feel like nightmares.

I’m slowly learning to not let other people’s actions control how I’m feeling. Because yes, it sucks it’s over but I can’t change it.

I’m learning to not focus so much on the things I don’t have, but rather appreciate what I do.

That one person might be gone, but so many others aren’t.

To stop putting my happiness in the hands of someone else. Because I did that and they left.

I’m slowly learning what it’s like to really live alone and try to be happy with it.

And knowing that it’s okay when there are some days I’m not there yet.

I’m slowly learning to not rely on someone so much.

I’m slowly learning what it’s like to sleep alone at night even when I’m used to someone next to me.

I’m slowly learning what it feels like to wake up to silence and not hear or read on a scream, “good morning beautiful.”

I’m learning to cheer for myself when something good happens.

And learning what it’s like to be the one to pick myself up when I’ve fallen.

I’m slowly learning what it feels like to walk into a room alone confidently.

That I don’t need a plus one.

I’m slowly finding again the things I like to do even if it means doing them alone.

I’m learning to find comfort in silence.

Company when I’m alone.

And happiness looking back at me in the mirror.

I’m slowly learning that letting go doesn’t mean I’m weak when it’s someone who brings me to my knees.

I’m learning what it’s like to be alone.

And I’m learning that I like it.

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Learning To Let Go Of People Who Aren’t Sure Of Me.

When I’m with you, I’m happy or at least I was.

But when I’m not with you, I’m sitting there flustered wondering how you’re feeling. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want to be confident in someone. I’m looking at a phone and a text I know you read, but you’re choosing not to answer. And even when you do, I wonder what you’re feeling towards me.

Is it just a conversation when you’re bored? Am I someone you actually think of throughout the day? When you do something wrong are you saying sorry because you know you know you’re supposed to or out of genuine guilt for hurting me?

I want to believe in you. Maybe too much that I look past every red flag flying in my direction. I want to be right about you. Maybe too much because I only pay attention to the things that justify that and back it up. But I ignore everything else.

I hate being the one to try too hard. The one who is constantly left waiting. The one starting every conversation and saying goodbye because you haven’t answered in an hour.

I want to believe this isn’t just another thing to write off, as I add your name to a long list of those who have hurt me. I don’t want you to be on that list.

But I can’t make you care. I can’t change the way you may or may not feel about me.

I can play every game I’m supposed to. I can ignore your texts like you do me. Keep you on the edge. And keep you wondering. Not answer when it gets too late and put you in the shoes of wondering where I am and who I’m with. I can walk by you in a room like we’re strangers, if that’s the game you want to play.

But I don’t want to play that game.

And maybe I come on too strong. I answer too quickly. I show you exactly how I feel and maybe that deems me as less attractive. Play hard to get is what they say.

But I don’t want to have to play some game to get you or keep you interested. That’s too much work.

And maybe that’s what you’re used to. That’s what everyone is used to these days. Playing games and fucking with each other’s head and pretending not to care, even when you do.

If it’s a battle of who can care less and make the other person feel worse, that’s a game I don’t want to participate in. So if that means I’m going to lose, then so be it. I’d rather lose someone being myself, then change who I am to seem appealing. If I have to pretend to not give a shit about you to get you to like me or fuck with you like you’re some pawn, then everything everyone has ever done to me in the past will be the effect to their cause.

So if it’s unattractive and unappealing to you to admit I care and I’m not afraid to show that, maybe you aren’t who I thought you were.

Because it isn’t just about you, this is to every person who gets caught up in what dating is today even though it doesn’t make sense to any of us. Even though we all swear we hate it, we keep playing.

But I’m taking myself out of this game because it’s not one I’ve ever liked.

So I’m walking away not because I don’t care but because trying to prove to you, you should and that I’m worth your time is compromising my self-respect. And the more time I spend waiting for you to figure out how you feel as I decipher texts at 2AM, is time I’m wasting that could be invested in someone who is right there with me and tired of this shit.

I like you. But not this much.

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