I sat in church on a Friday morning. When you go to church on a weekday you’re lucky if there is even more than 15 people attending. And there’s a 98% chance at the age of 44 you’ll be the youngest there. I held back tears as I got to my knees praying.
Caught somewhere between lost, not realizing that’s where I’d be found again.
I had always prayed for the things I wanted. The relationships I thought would work out. The people I thought would stay, but what I failed to realize as I stood staring at the door someone walked out of was, this was all part of His plan.
A plan I thought I had control of. A plan I thought was dictated by saying and doing the right thing. A plan that would lead to my ultimate happiness. A plan I thought he had nothing to do with.
But in desperate attempts to try to control fate, thinking it was something I could dictate and navigate alone, I failed to recognize the greater power that played a role here.
So this is me trusting myself a little less and putting “it”, whatever “it” might be in the hands of someone greater than myself.
“Read the signs,” a priest said as I listened attentively. “Don’t think they are for someone else just because it isn’t what you want to hear.”
I walked out and thought back to what he had said as if it were God speaking himself. And maybe he was.
In time, I began to replace demands in quiet prayers always asking with thank you.
In time, I began to replace wondering why something ended with understanding maybe they weren’t meant for me.
In time, I began to replace falling to my knees when I needed something with conversation when I only needed someone to listen.
In time, I began to replace doubt of when things would happen with faith and trusting the process.
Slowly understanding even if I don’t know what might be ahead, even if it seems cloudy and doubtful and something I fear, I’ve learned to trust Him more than myself.
And in moments where I was falling to my knees and thought I was weak, I failed to realize it’s Him who is my strength.
I’m slowly learning to trust God more than I trust myself.
That faith will never be what I see, but in everything I feel within me.