You Taught Me What Love Actually Was, But Also Fear It.

I sat in a coffee shop and our song came on. It’s not one that plays often, it was one of those rare finds you came across.

“I hope that I don’t fall in love with you…” and I was brought back to all of it.

We began to fall carelessly in love with each other knowing very well the repercussions, but we let it take us. We were at it’s whim. Like puppets and love the puppeteer.

There’s something that makes an uncertain future a little less scary when you’re holding someone’s hand you love and walking apprehensively towards the unknown together.

In our time together you taught me what love actually meant.

And it wasn’t just three words mumbled at bedtime. It was so much more.

The little things that made me fall for you so fast and so hard.

Waking up to roses sitting on the kitchen counter. And I asked you how you knew. You pulled me in kissing my forehead because I asked you drunk the night before.

A fancy dinner we sat at and every time the waiter came, it was like he was interrupting moments that were ours. Jealous of anyone that stole time that wasn’t with each other. You paid the whole bill. I didn’t know at the time you used the last of the money you had just to take me somewhere I wanted to go to.

Mornings waking up and you pulling me in. Like whatever was going on outside this world we created didn’t matter. Tangled between sheets and this place we didn’t want to leave.

It amazed me what love could do to someone.

2AM a candle lit the dark kitchen as you asked me to slow dance. And I laughed as you spun me. Bitter when the song ended because I would have spent the rest of my life dancing with you if you let me.

Everything about me and the expectations I had been clichés and over the top, but you met me there.

You met me in moments as we laughed and screamed feeding birds on Sunday by the bay.

You met me in moments of confusions as I needed arms to hold me.

You met me the moments I needed someone like you most.

Watching each other across the club out of the corner of our eye. There was a confidence we had in each other where jealousy wasn’t a factor. And I’m usually a very jealous person.

“She’s the one,” you didn’t know I was in the hallway listening as you talked to your friend. Because I believed it too.

Pillow talk I didn’t know was a game of make-believe as we talked about where we wanted to live, what kind of dog we could get, the names you wanted to name our kids.

“You’re too young and it’s too unrealistic,” people would say. But that’s the thing about love and relationships regardless of how unrealistic something might be, you make it work.

You fight for each other but towards the end, I was fighting alone.

I would have fought for you until I had nothing left in me. I think I did.

But you stop trying when it’s a lost cause.

I fell to my knees on the bathroom floor with dark makeup running down my face. Everything looked blurry and I learned no matter how much you drink you can’t drink enough to forget the person who ruined you.

“It’s over,” no matter how much you prepare yourself for those words, it isn’t something that sets you free.

It’s the final page of a book you refuse to close because you keep hoping the ending will get rewritten.

Waking up alone and reaching over to their side of the bed when things were simple, and I love you actually carried with it weight.

Sleeping only to escape because that’s the only time living doesn’t actually hurt.

Standing in front of someone and hearing the words, “I don’t love you anymore,” and you’re overcome with doubt and uncertainty of how you even got here. Replaying what was real and what wasn’t.

This person in front of you, who knows you to the core of who you are, knows every curve in your body suddenly is a familiar stranger.

You taught me what love was. But you also taught me what it can turn into when love runs out.

I grew to fear love as much as I wanted it. Pining after something I once knew, but also running from it.

Clinging to strangers who touched me the way you did, but they didn’t know me.

Emotional connections with people I knew couldn’t be more.

At least if I was choosing the wrong people, I wouldn’t be surprised at how it ended like I was with us.

The relationships that scare me these days are the ones that hurt. But the one that will heal me. The ones where I suddenly have something to lose.

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He’s NOT Your Friend.

Friends don’t pick and choose when they want you in their life.
Friends don’t keep you in their back pocket for safe keeping.

He likes knowing you’re there.
He likes knowing you’ll do anything for him and he doesn’t even have to reciprocate it.
He likes knowing someone cares when he doesn’t have to.

He isn’t your friend because friends aren’t these habits you struggle to break.
He isn’t your friend because if he was, you wouldn’t feel guilty texting him or going to see him or dropping whatever it is to appease his needs while he’s not meeting any of your own.

Friends don’t use you. And that’s exactly what he’s doing, using your emotions to further his agenda.

He plays the friend card because he refuses to commit to anything more, and you won’t ever ask him for something more because you know he won’t give it to you.

So you settle for just friends thinking you’re lucky to even be that in his life. You build him up like he’s someone he’s not and you let him get away with it. If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t tolerate it. If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t treat someone the way he treats you.

Let me reiterate this has nothing to do with the feelings you have for him, but what you let him get away with because of those feelings.

He’s not respecting you.
He’s not being kind.
And he sure as hell isn’t being a friend.

Because if he was your friend, he wouldn’t be using you to boost his ego.
If he was your friend, you wouldn’t feel a sense of guilt and shame for the things you do.
If he was your friend, you wouldn’t worry so much about losing him.

You value the relationship more than he does and you invest more into it than he’s ever going to be willing to. And that’s not fair.

But you continue choosing someone who isn’t choosing you. You continue investing in someone who wants you in his life when it’s convenient or you have something to offer him.

The moment he realizes there’s nothing more he can gain from this relationship, he’s going to leave. And you’re going to fall apart thinking it’s something you did.

And because you don’t respect yourself enough to walk away when he does, you’re going to do everything you can to keep him. But you can’t keep someone who doesn’t want to stay.

You cling to these moments you think he might change how he feels. You cling to a history. But nothing will ever progress in this relationship because he doesn’t even respect you and why would you ever want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you because you let him treat you badly?

He’s never going to look at your absence as a loss to him because you’ve made it seem like you’re the one who needs him.

Healthy relationships aren’t dependant relationships.

Turning to him for everything as if that need will make him stay, but he’ll grow to resent you because of it.

Have you ever pulled away just to see what would happen?

What probably happened was he noticed. He came waltzing back into your life like it was nothing. Playing the friend card just to see what you would do.

See if you’ve finally got a backbone and self-respect, but you cave every time with him, then fall into this routine.

You’ve made it clear you need someone and he likes that someone needs him.

He likes having you there and that’s all it is and that’s all it’s ever going to be.

The moment you really stop trying, the moment you stop investing so much into him, he’s going to go away and you’ll realize the only reason this thing was maintained for as long it was, was because of you.

It doesn’t matter what you feel. Because I’m sure you’ve put that aside to try to maintain this friendship. What matters is how he treats you. And there’s a big difference between the way he treats you and the way every other one of your friends does.

Chances are your friends don’t like him. That has nothing to do with him and everything to do with how he treats you.

Put your feelings aside for a moment and just look at that. When you start to judge him by who he is, you’ll let go of who you want him to be.

He calls himself your friend, but then emotionally fucks with you to the point where you’re crying yourself to sleep over a text he hasn’t answered.

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