He’ll Miss You When…

Or when he begins to wonder who the guy is that you’re with. The one who keeps showing up on instagram.

You haven’t told him yet you’re talking to someone because well, you don’t think you owe him that explanation.

He’ll miss you when you don’t answer immediately and he’s going to wonder why. But he knows you’re probably not sleeping alone these days.

You can’t explain to this new guy the relationship because people who are just friends don’t text each other at 1am. So you ignore it until the morning and maybe even fail to remember to reply.

“Sorry I didn’t answer…” you don’t say more or explain. And he says it’s ok because he’s just happy to hear from you.

In the past, you answered within seconds and you were always the one waiting by your phone. Now it’s his turn.

And you aren’t being malicious, but getting a taste of your own medicine, tastes really bitter sometimes.

He’ll miss you when you make plans, but something came up and you’re the one to cancel like he did so many times before. Only he’s the one that’s hurt by it now.

He’ll miss you when he’s isn’t the one you’re calling drunk just to talk. Because he’s not the one you’re thinking about anymore. He looks at his phone after too many beers and your name is the one he stops at in his contact list.

He’ll miss you when he sees something that reminds him of you only he has to think before tagging you in something.

He’ll miss you when you aren’t his first like because you’re busy not staring at your phone waiting for him like you used to. And no matter how many likes he gets, he wishes your name would appear on his phone.

He’ll miss you when he sends you a snapchat and you open it, but don’t answer.

When he’s driving in the car and that song you made him listen to comes on.

He’ll miss you when something great happens, and he realizes you’re the first one he wants to tell.

Or when something really horrible happens and he realizes you were the only one who ever understood, even if it was something neither of you could make sense of.

He’ll miss you when he isn’t the one you turn to with your with problems that he used to complain about under his breath.

The double texts when he didn’t answer. The paragraphs messages.

Demanding you were clingy and needy and too much at times.

What he’ll realize is all that was, was caring. Maybe you came on too strong. Maybe you were always available. Maybe you made it way too obvious how you felt. But you cared.

He’ll miss you when you aren’t texting good morning every day like you used to, because you’re waking up next to someone who showed they cared without using their phone to do it or send you mixed signals.

He’ll miss you when you stop trying so hard to impress him and he looks at you across the room and realizes without having to try, you’re more amazing than he realized.

And he’s going to hate himself for realizing it so late.

Because even he knows you deserve better.

He watched as you jumped through hoops trying to be good enough and he was the one who made you feel like you never were. Like your presence wasn’t appreciated or valued, but rather a bother. He’ll hate himself for making you ever feel that way.

As he moves on, he’ll miss you most when he looks for you in others realizing they all fall short.

He’ll miss you the moment he realizes you never needed him, but you chose him. And he should have seen the value in that.

And when he realizes this, he’s going to show up at your door at some inconvenient time because he couldn’t take it anymore. He says everything he wished you said sooner. And it’ll be your call to make on where you go from there.

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We Didn’t Date, But…

We didn’t date, but I didn’t need that spelled out for me.

I felt it every time the words ‘just friends’ came out of my mouth. The words tasted bad, but I couldn’t lie about what we were and I couldn’t pretend to be something we weren’t.

The problem with feelings and matters of the heart though, is your heart does not give a fuck whether or not there is some label there. Your heart decides and that’s it. Suddenly you’re at the whim of making irrational choices that can only be justified because you love this person.

People argued it wasn’t real love. They say love is that which is reciprocated. Love is that which leaves you whole and not empty. That real love doesn’t hurt.

I don’t think love can be so simply defined. I don’t think it’s black and white. I think there are a lot of grey areas that gets lost and not talked about just because it isn’t the typical standard of what love is supposed to be in the eyes of everyone watching.

We didn’t date, but I still looked at you like you were the best thing that happened in my life. Because at the time you were.

Every conversation. Every laugh. Every moment spent together where I envied anyone that took up your time that wasn’t me.

I missed you before you even said goodbye, and wished I could freeze moments.

We didn’t date, but I still compared you to everyone I met. And they always fell short of these expectations I suddenly had in someone.

Because it wasn’t just opening my door and paying for some tab or making sure I walked on the inside of the sidewalk, it was the respect you had for me.

In everyone I met, it was you I was looking for only to realize someone like you couldn’t be replicated.

We didn’t date, but my heart still raced every time we were in the same room and every time your name appeared across my phone. There wasn’t a smile bigger than the one you brought to my face.

We didn’t date, but I still talked about you like you put the stars in the sky. Because you really did change my life so much for the better.

We didn’t date, but you were everything I wanted so badly at one point. If people were interested in me I didn’t even notice, because you had every bit of my attention.

And it didn’t matter what we were or rather weren’t, I was just happy to have you in my life. I was happy to have your time and attention even if it came few and far between sometimes.

Then suddenly everything changed with one conversation.

It’s the conversation that defines what you are and what you’ll never be. The conversation that depleted any hope of anything ever happening in a future that will never be. The conversation that suddenly makes every encounter after that awkward.

Once every card is laid out and everything is talked about, there is no hiding how you feel. There’s no secrecy or wondering. There is no hope. And you’re overcome with guilt for falling so hard like it was all your fault.

Then you have to get over it.

But how do you even heal and get over someone who wasn’t yours to begin with??

I sat in the airport with a ticket flying 10,000 miles away thinking that would make me forget him and how I felt. If anything, it made it worse. I realized no matter where I went or how many airports I’d find myself in, during those few months, he was everywhere. Haunting me in a way. Found on street corners and in gift shops.

When you love someone, they don’t leave just because you did. You take them with you.

I realized eventually I was going to have to face this head on. I was going to have to get over it. And there wasn’t going to be anyone comforting me because they all saw it coming and they were entitled to say I told you so.

When you fall for someone you aren’t dating you are blinded with rose-colored lenses while everyone else wants to warn you that you shouldn’t do this, as if it was a choice you got to make.

You don’t pick who you love and you sure as hell don’t have a say in when it stops.

Real relationships have this start and end period. Concrete dates to look back at of how long it’s been. Concrete feeling that were mutual at one point. But almost relationships just have a bunch of grey areas and nothing defined and lines that drawn and rewritten. It’s games played and mixed signals and confusion.

Whether the other person wants to admit it or not, I think feelings are present a least a little bit. Even almost relationships can’t be maintained if it’s just one-sided and one person’s interest. For any relationship to last, even if it’s just an emotional connection, it requires the effort of both parties.

When those relationships end, we put it all on ourselves thinking we were stupid and it was our fault we felt that way. But nothing is ever all yours to own entirely.

You look back at moments and you can’t believe you said the things you did or acted the way you did. But that’s love for you. If you aren’t being a complete fool and going to absurd lengths, I question if you really love the person.

We didn’t date, but there were still nights I was crying myself to sleep at night.

We didn’t date, but there were still moments where I’d do anything to numb the pain I was feeling.

We didn’t date, but everything about him hurt like any other relationship I had actually been in.

Pain does not discriminate. And it doesn’t hurt any less just because you never dated. Sometimes that factor alone makes it hurt more.

I didn’t realize it was love every time those words drunkenly slipped out of my mouth with goodbye.

I realized I loved him when all that pain hit me at once realizing what we’d never be.

Love is to happiness as heartbreak is to depression.

And I watched myself turn into this version I didn’t even know, nor could I recognize. It hurt like hell because even if there wasn’t some label to it, I couldn’t deny that everything I felt was so real.

We didn’t date, but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced pain so badly in my life.

We didn’t date, but I was barely eating, sleeping, or functioning because it hurt so badly.

And I had to present it to the world like I wasn’t feeling these things so heavily. I had to face everyone like I wasn’t falling apart inside. I had to carry on like getting through 24 hours was easy. But the reality was, I dismissed myself often to breakdown and cry alone. And I couldn’t talk about it because what do you even say?

The hardest part of getting your heart-broken by someone you didn’t date, is when they want things to go back to what they were and you want to be strong but everything about their presence makes you weak. Part of you wants to say, ‘I need time to get over you. I need time to heal.’ But then you think that’s selfish.

You don’t want to lose them in your life, but it hurts like hell standing in front of someone who isn’t yours when you are so in love with them.

It hurts like hell watching them love someone else and you have to just put on a brave face and stand there.

It hurts like hell playing the role they need you to, but you love them enough to hurt yourself and do just that.

Because the truth is, what they taught you most about love, is how selfless it is sometimes. You love someone and you want them to be happy, even if it doesn’t include you.

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Depression At 1am Saturday Morning.

It’s 1am and I’m laying here because sleeping through the night doesn’t happen too much anymore. I laughed about it at lunch today when my friend asked me what I take every night to fall asleep. Either Benadryl. Nite Quil. Melatonin. Alcohol.

Alcohol only makes it worse so I’ve tried to lean away from that.

I choose not to escape, but rather face these things head on. And moments like these when it hits is when it’s the ugliest.

It’s 1AM on a Saturday and I wonder why I stayed home tonight. I didn’t go to a party. I didn’t go to a bar. I just stayed put.

It’s 1AM and I feel so alone, but I don’t want to burden my loved ones with negative company.

It’s 1AM and the thing about depression, in it’s darkest moments, it does it’s best to lie to me. Make me believe things that aren’t true, but at 1AM I believe it.

It’s 1AM and I’m wondering why I wasn’t invited anywhere. I look at my phone. I see the texts that weren’t answered that shouldn’t shake me like it does, but here I am completely affected by it and taking it too personal.

I look at snapchat and instagram. And I know those moments aren’t an accurate depiction of everyone’s life all the time. I don’t see their struggles. All I see is I’m holding back tears alone at 1AM and I wonder what’s wrong with me. I wonder why me?

Even if it runs in my family, why was I the chosen one to deal with these battles I can’t even articulate without making people uncomfortable.

Nor do I know how to explain any of it.

My brother stumbles home drunk and I look at him with envy. I wonder what being really happy all the time feels like. Drinking not to escape, but because it enhances your good emotions instead of your bad ones.

I look at him and want to ask why ‘wasn’t I invited even though I probably would have said no anyway?’

When you have depression you cling to inclusion and acceptance because you just want to feel normal for even a little while. But you also cling to isolation and thinking you’re better off alone.

It’s 1AM and I’m beating myself up because I haven’t heard from him in days and I thought things were going well this time. I really did believe that.

It’s 1AM and depression tells me I’m a burden. That I’m clingy. That no one cares. That all everyone does is worry about me because I’m a little too needy sometimes. I question a lot of my relationships like are they in my life, not because they want to be or rather feel a sense of obligation.

These are the things depression tells me at 1AM.

I analyze my last relationship gone wrong thinking I’m too blame. Replaying all the things I wish I could have changed.

I know I’ll wake up tomorrow and 1AM will seem like just another dream that I don’t even fully remember. I say to myself, ‘why do you let yourself get like that?’ Then I continue on with my day.

Laughing. Smiles. Cracking jokes. Because depression doesn’t mean I’m sad and emotional all the time. It just has it’s moments that consume me for a bit.

When people ask ‘how are you?,’ I say ‘okay.’

When you have depression 80% of your life is okay. 10% are the nights at 1am where I don’t want to die, but I’m emotionally exhausted living in a state like this. At 1AM on bad nights, I don’t even recognize myself. And I talk to my friends and they say ‘you sound differently.’ And they can tell this isn’t the real me. I feel bad for bothering them.

The other 10% are really happy moments that carry me through everything else. Moments where happiness doesn’t seem hard to achieve and I wish I could hang onto that a bit longer. Moments where I’m laughing to a point of happy tears and I look at the people around me and I realize, this is what it’s all about.

These moments make me undeniably grateful.

It’s those people I think of during bad nights. It’s their pictures I look back at. People ask why I take so many pictures and I know it’s kind of annoying sometimes. But when it’s 1AM and I’m alone and depression tries to trick me into saying I have no friends, those are the moments I look back at.

At 1AM I know everything going through my head that seems real, isn’t.

Depression tells me I’m weird.

Depression tells me no one likes me.

Depression tells me I’m going to lose everyone and everything I care about.

Depression tells me it’s always my fault when something ends or goes wrong. And I want to apologize for things I don’t even know I did.

At 1AM I am my own worst enemy.

At 1AM I’m thinking of the past and everything I’ve done wrong in my life I can’t seem to forgive myself for.

I know eventually I’ll grow too tired of this. My eyes will shut and then it’ll be morning. I’ll want to fall back to sleep a bit longer because sleep is the greatest escape when reality isn’t what you want it to be.

But I start my day and I can’t shake the fact this isn’t normal to feel this way. That life shouldn’t feel this heavy.

I reach for my phone as if notifications and likes are validation for acceptance when there parts of myself I don’t like. I hate how much I cling to my phone sometimes. A device that makes me feel so lonely sometimes. A device that might mean I’m connected, but so emotionally disconnected.

I just want it to be normal.

But I know no matter where I go or what I do, depression lurks in every corner following my every move. The shadow I don’t see in the day, but appears at night.

Depression comes like the house guest that wasn’t invited and over stays their welcome, but you don’t know how to ask them to leave.

I think back to a time when depression didn’t consume me. And the only thing I can come up with was when I was in love. Love had a way of driving away the darkness within me and brought out a light I didn’t even know existed.

And as much as I hate this part of myself, he taught me I was capable of being loved. But it wasn’t just that. He taught me to love and except myself in ways I never knew how to before.

I learned over time to appreciate these dark sides to myself.

Depression taught me about compassion and understanding and vulnerability. That these really horrible things connected me to so many others because I was brave enough to talk about it and write about it.

I learned in the moments I feel so alone and different, I’m not.

I learned we all feel these things sometimes. Maybe not as heavily, but we all know what’s it’s like to be depressed and lonely sometimes.

When I open up about these really hard emotions I’m struggling to make sense of myself, it’s there I gain people’s trust. And they turn to me knowing I’ll welcome them without judgement.

It’s the strength knowing I can have nights like that and still fight back and I do.

It’s being kinder than necessary because I know what it’s like to be unkind to myself, so I strive to make other people’s lives a little better if I can.

It’s the sensitivity of knowing maybe I take things too hard sometimes, and maybe I feel things too deeply sometimes, but I’d rather feel all of it good and bad then allow pain to change me.

It’s the appreciation for life because I really do love my life and the people in it.

When I say ‘I love you’ probably too much sometimes what I’m really saying is, ‘thank you.’

It’s realizing there isn’t anything harder than overcoming myself and my demons. With that realization, comes resilience that pours into every other part of my life.

I can either let this destroy me or use as fire to fuel me.

It’s believing in love so deeply that sometimes I give my best to the wrong people. Maybe sometimes I love too quickly, only to let them take parts of me as they go.

But I never stop believing in love and it’s potential.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when you get relationships right, love is one thing that drives away every bit of darkness within you. Maybe that’s why we all want it so badly.

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