I’m At A Point Where I’m Beginning To Realize.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize, it doesn’t make me desperate saying I want a relationship.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize, it’s okay to need things of someone else and demanding that of someone isn’t asking too much.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize, I’d rather sleep alone than have some one night stand.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize, I’d rather have a genuine connection with someone then blurry memories at a bar I don’t remember.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize, it’s okay to walk away from people who are unsure. The ones who keep you guessing. The ones who think dating is still a game to win.

I’m at a point where I’m done playing some childish game.

Because the only game I want to play is one for keeps.

I’m at point where I’m looking for someone who is going to add something more to the life I’ve built for myself.

And it doesn’t mean I’m not whole on my own or I can’t function being single. But I’m at a point where I’m realizing it’s okay to need someone emotionally.

I’m at a point where if consistency and commitment are something you fear, I’m not going to stand around trying to prove I’m the one worth your time because you aren’t worth mine.

I’m at a point where asking for what I need won’t be said in a whisper, but the standard I begin to expect of everyone.

I’m at a point where I’m not going to go looking for a relationship carelessly swiping like they say we are supposed to, but really establish what I’m looking for in a partner.

To be able to identify when someone might be worth my time.

While paying close attention to the red flags. Realizing when I see something in someone I don’t like, that’s when I walk away and not try harder.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize the value of my time, and the more time I spend waiting for a text message or analyze this, and that is time wasted on someone who is sure of me.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize when the past comes knocking, I’m going to stop answering, because it’ll just end in the same circles we run in.

I’m at a point where I’m okay moving forward with some sorrys I never heard but deserved. Learning to forgive myself too.

I’m at a point where I’m not here to prove my worth to anyone.

I’m at a point where I’m ready to meet someone. The right one.

Call it desperation. But these are fundamental relationships we all need in our lives, in a generation that deems you for admitting that. One that makes you feel weak for needing basic love.

When you see your friend in a healthy relationship, laughing, smiling, and happier than she’s ever been, why is it bad to want that too?

It’s one thing to want that so badly you compromise your self-respect for anyone who wears sheep’s clothing and plays what could be the role. It’s another thing to respect yourself enough to not tolerate less than that relationship standard you have in your head you want to become a reality.

It’s not too much to ask for that.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize, it took a lot of time alone. A lot of time being with someone and feeling alone. A lot of time spent on the wrong people. A lot of time accepting less than I deserved. Only to look at myself one day and realize I had never really been asking for what I wanted out of guilt of wanting something more than some hookup or something casual.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize, I don’t think it’s too much to ask of someone to want me and only me.

I don’t think it’s too much to demand a label.

I’m at a point where I’m beginning to realize getting what I want, first starts with asking for it and not changing the question when someone doesn’t give me the answer I deserve or need.

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Why You Continue Getting Trapped In Narcissist Relationships.

It isn’t entirely your fault. I’ll start there. Usually, the types of people who end up with narcissists are really replicating a relationship they wish they could change. Maybe it was with a parent or some adult figure who was a narcissist themselves. Maybe it was your first real relationship where you did fall in love, but the person’s shortcomings left you with a void.

You see, the thing narcissists teach you about love is that it’s something they can give and take. And they do. Unconditional love is there, but it’s there under a level of control and power. Narcissists need to feel they have some control over you.

When you teach someone, love is something someone can give and take, they enter the world and enter relationships after that thinking they can change one’s mind about how they might feel. This leads to almost relationships and even more toxic ones.

They enter relationships thinking there is some on and off switch when it comes to emotions. They enter relationships thinking they have to prove they are worthy of one another’s love.

This leads to toxic patterns of accepting less than you deserve. Then when a relationship does not work out, instead of realizing it was the other person’s fault or lack of judgment. The victim goes into self-blame and taking complete ownership of an entire relationship.

Relationships with narcissists are not a balance of give and take, and blame is never equally divided but rather projected onto the victim.

When you’re in one of these relationships long enough, you begin to blame yourself for everything. A narcissist allows you to take ownership of all of it. Because nothing ever is their fault. Things that aren’t your fault, they are making you feel like they are. And instead of realizing you aren’t to blame for some of their problems, you are putting all of it on yourself. You begin to see yourself through their lens but their lenses are ones that are skewed. While they are all about blame, victims of narcissists are all about taking ownership even of things aren’t their fault.

So the baggage you walk away with in every other relationship you see is immediately taking blame for things. Someone does something wrong to you and instead of calling it like it is and walking away, you try to understand.

Instead of being angry someone canceled on you, you look at it from the eyes of a narcissist point of view, “maybe it was a bad time.” “Maybe I asked too much.” “Maybe it was me.” The greatest lasting effect narcissists have on people is controlling where the blame comes and goes.

When you are a victim, you think everything is your fault. You fall into a pattern of apologizing too much because that’s easier than standing up to the person who is wrong. And even if you know they might be wrong, you will never do something about it.
That’s the effect a narcissist has on you, is taking away both your power and your voice because you’d rather be silent then fight someone who never feels like they are wrong and they will take you down for even trying to test them.

When a narcissist relationship was a major one in your life, you look for people exactly like them. Because if you can replicate this relationship and win over their love and affection, maybe it’ll fill that void. People do it subconsciously without even realizing it.

You sit there wondering why you run in these circles with these same people? Under the surface is someone who is still seeking that validation and love they never got in an early relationship.

But to break the pattern is the hardest thing. Recognizing this might be a familiar pattern you follow in your life, is the first step. Next, comes with forgiving someone who will never be sorry. Because a narcissist won’t ever give you the apology you deserve. But that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive yourself for accepting less than you deserved and change.

You can’t control what has already happened and you can’t control how it emotionally affects you, but you do have control in where you go from here.

And you can realize you choose these types of people to fill a void. You can continue to ignore the red flags you see in the beginning. Or you can step away from that. Seek someone who isn’t like every other person you’ve gone for in the past.

It isn’t your fault you might have fallen into a narcissist relationship early on. But you have a choice now to continue that pattern or start choosing someone who teaches you that you don’t deserve someone who picks and chooses when they love you. You deserve someone who loves you consistently.

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Slowly Learning To Love Myself.

Those relationships with others couldn’t fill the void of the relationship I needed to change with the person looking back at me.

I’m slowly learning that other people’s lack of love shouldn’t have dictated the love I had for myself.

In actuality, that’s where it should have begun all along.

I’m slowly learning to change the critical voice inside my head that doubts who I am, questions what I’m doing, criticizes everything about me. I’m learning to replace that with saying things about myself that are positive. I’m learning to make decisions not controlled by fear, but rather confidence I have in myself.

I’m slowly learning that failed relationships aren’t a reflection of me. That it takes two people to make a relationship work, just as it takes two people to end one. I’m learning to not blame myself for everything. To look at others who walk away and realize they’ve lost something, not me.

I’m slowly learning to believe the nice things people say about me and not just get caught up on the means things I might hear then usually believe.

I’m slowly learning what it means to fall back in love with myself and it’s okay that it’s taken some time.

I’m forgiving myself for not realizing sooner that I deserved the same love I was giving everyone else.

I’m slowly learning to channel all the energy I used to invest in others and trying to make something work into investing that in myself.

I’m slowly learning it isn’t selfish to put yourself before others, because it shouldn’t have gotten to a point where I ever came in second.

I’m slowly learning to ask for what I want in relationships and not just try to play the role of what someone needs.

I’m slowly learning to walk away when someone disrespected me. And it’s okay to have enemies when someone has wronged you.

I’m slowly learning that I don’t need to be the one who fixes every relationship, when I wasn’t the one to ruin it in the first place. That sometimes when you pick up pieces of broken glass with good intentions, you’re the one who gets hurt.

I’m slowly learning to fall back in love with myself, and that means walking away from anyone who doesn’t love me also. That it isn’t my job to try to convince them to.

I’m slowly learning to fall back in love with myself and I’m realizing how much I like being alone.

That in those times I felt lonely, it wasn’t company I needed, but I needed to learn how to be alone and like it.

I’m slowly learning to respect myself. Love myself. Treat myself better than I ever have before.

To look in the mirror and not analyze flaws and things I wish I could change, but rather learning to appreciate everything I am and the person looking back at me.

I’m slowly learning to say “I love you” to myself and realizing what that actually means.

I’m just sorry it took so long to get there.

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Toxic Relationship vs. Health Relationship.

Toxic relationships come with the emotional damage you don’t even realize while you’re in them. Sometimes a victim of a toxic relationship will continue the cycle of pining after other toxic people as if winning over their love and affection will heal the emotional damage others might have caused in their past.

So when this person comes across a healthy relationship, their immediate reaction is to push this person away and not believe that there are people with good intentions out there. They’ve seen a series of really bad relationships that have hurt them and as much as they want the cycle of abuse to end, sadly it’s what they are used to.

You begin with anticipating the worst.

You expect this person to turn out to be just like your exes. You expect this act in the beginning to end. You expect there suddenly to be a shift. What throws you off is, this person continually shows you the best. This person continues to treat you well. And in return, you doubt them. You question their motives. You test them over and over and they keep passing. Your guard is so high and you have so many trust issues even with yourself, because you were the one to choose those people. You don’t trust yourself and so you tiptoe around this person just wondering when the other shoe might drop.

Your doubt they meet with confidence.

You’ve never known someone who was sure of you. With toxic relationships, they kept you pining after them. Trying too hard. Treating you badly and making you constantly question yourself when you weren’t doing something to appease them.

But with this person, they realize how fragile you are. They don’t look at you as weak, but rather someone who needs to be handled delicately because others didn’t do what they had to, which was what you deserved.

They aren’t knocking you down to build you back up, they are just building you up from where you are and trying to make you better.

Your anxiety doesn’t bother them.

When you’re in a toxic relationship, you become so careful with the things you do and say. Because at any moment, the toxic person will pick and choose anything they can to be upset with you.

In doing so, it made you really paranoid. It made you second guess yourself. Toxic relationships give you anxiety because you never actually know what version of your partner will show up that day.

But this new relationship understands why you worry. And instead of these mind games people played with you in the past, this person is straightforward and honest. This person tells you things exactly as they are. There aren’t games and messing with your head this makes you feel safe. They want to understand what’s on your mind or what’s worrying you and what they can do to fix it. At the end of the day, they just want you happy and not too many people have put you first in the past.

You push them away and they don’t leave.

When you come out of toxic relationships everything is like a test you pass or fail. Or the grey area of confusion in between that you spent a lot of time wondering how someone felt or if your presence in their life was to boost their ego. Toxic relationships have a way of always trying to test you, only no matter what you do right or wrong, you’re going to fail. So you try harder to appease them, only it doesn’t work. This teaches you to test everyone else in your life. You’re scared to get close to someone. You’re scared to let someone in. Your response comes down to one of two things, fight or flight. And since this relationship isn’t one you’re fighting in, you take off out of fear.

You’re used to pushing people away and everyone else has let you go. But this new relationship doesn’t make it that easy. They challenge you by being this person you need and you secretly want, but have always been too afraid to find.

You almost fear something going right.

Sometimes people cling to unhealthy relationships not because they lack confidence or have bad taste. When you meet the right person, suddenly you have something to lose. When you pine after people who are toxic and emotionally unavailable, you can’t lose someone who wasn’t yours to begin with. So it’s easier in a way to get into these relationships than taking a bet on something that could be real.

Because when you get love right, it’s everything it’s cracked up to be and I think people who choose toxic partners know that at a level deeper than anyone.

You begin to trust them as well as yourself.

Suddenly this thing is the real deal and it’s terrifying. Half of you is still expecting something to go wrong while the other half of you has walls completely crumbling down. And as much as you resist it, they are getting through to you.

You then fear losing this person.

Suddenly you go from fear of having someone, to fear of losing them. So you overcompensate. You try too hard. You apologize too often. The after effects of toxic relationships are just that. You start clinging to this relationship. But unlike the other relationships you’ve had, this person is just as invested in you as you are them. So it doesn’t feel like you are losing yourself to this relationship. When someone becomes what you want and need and it’s mutual, you simply balance each other out and make each other better.

Just as you fear losing them, they fear losing you and you’ve never known a relationship where someone met you halfway.

You don’t fear those three words anymore.

In the past you’ve given your heart away to people who didn’t deserve it, appreciate it and couldn’t be what you needed. Convinced you could change how someone felt or the outcome you both knew was enviable of an ending. You used to say “I love you” to these people, thinking love would make someone stay. Thinking love was trying too hard for someone. Giving love away to others like it wasn’t something to value. And loving everyone the way you should have loved yourself.

You said those three words over and over never to hear them and you began to fear it. Rejecting love like that was the problem rather than the people you were choosing to give it too.

But this person says it first, and says it confidently. And what you feel for this person is the real deal and you suddenly compare this person to everyone in the past and they blow them away.

When you meet the right person, it’s no longer a competition because this person came out of nowhere and made you realize this is what you actually deserve and everyone else is irrelevant.

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In Time.

I sat in church on a Friday morning. When you go to church on a weekday you’re lucky if there is even more than 15 people attending. And there’s a 98% chance at the age of 44 you’ll be the youngest there. I held back tears as I got to my knees praying.

Caught somewhere between lost, not realizing that’s where I’d be found again.

I had always prayed for the things I wanted. The relationships I thought would work out. The people I thought would stay, but what I failed to realize as I stood staring at the door someone walked out of was, this was all part of His plan.

A plan I thought I had control of. A plan I thought was dictated by saying and doing the right thing. A plan that would lead to my ultimate happiness. A plan I thought he had nothing to do with.

But in desperate attempts to try to control fate, thinking it was something I could dictate and navigate alone, I failed to recognize the greater power that played a role here.

So this is me trusting myself a little less and putting “it”, whatever “it” might be in the hands of someone greater than myself.

“Read the signs,” a priest said as I listened attentively. “Don’t think they are for someone else just because it isn’t what you want to hear.”

I walked out and thought back to what he had said as if it were God speaking himself. And maybe he was.

In time, I began to replace demands in quiet prayers always asking with thank you.

In time, I began to replace wondering why something ended with understanding maybe they weren’t meant for me.

In time, I began to replace falling to my knees when I needed something with conversation when I only needed someone to listen.

In time, I began to replace doubt of when things would happen with faith and trusting the process.

Slowly understanding even if I don’t know what might be ahead, even if it seems cloudy and doubtful and something I fear, I’ve learned to trust Him more than myself.

And in moments where I was falling to my knees and thought I was weak, I failed to realize it’s Him who is my strength.

I’m slowly learning to trust God more than I trust myself.

That faith will never be what I see, but in everything I feel within me.

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Date Someone Who…

Date someone who brings out the absolute best in you.

More than just manners, kindness, growth, and learning.

But the person who teaches you what it’s like to start living.

Even if it seems crazy to everyone else, it makes sense to you.

Date someone who pushes you to do things that scare you.

Pushes you to achieve your dreams, goals, and passions, even if they are the only one who believes in you.

Date someone who pushes you to buy that plane ticket just because you can.

The one who holds your hand when you’re scared, but you know whatever happens, they are right there ready to catch you if something were to go wrong.

This person you look at and you don’t know how this could end or how bad it could be, but you don’t think about uncertainty when you’re so sure right now.

Date someone who makes the little things in life fun. Someone who makes you laugh louder than you ever have just cleaning dishes. Someone who makes you sing your heart out when you’re driving shotgun in their car. Someone who stays in with you on a Friday night and just lying around watching movies is better than any night out.

Someone who makes you look forward to Sundays. When waking up next to the person you love most, makes you happy to just be alive.

Date someone you’d risk everything for simply because they are worth having. And you realize when there is so much to gain by this person being yours, it’s worth it. You’d make the sacrifices you have to just make it work and they meet you halfway.

Date someone who makes you believe in love and soul mates and all those sappy songs you never really understood before.

Someone who just has such a positive impact on you.

You look at yourself in the mirror and you see a before and after just because this person came into your life.

They’ve made you better. They’ve made you happier. You look at them and you start to believe in something again. Even if you don’t know what that is.

It’s the conversations that could last all day and never seem to run out of things to say.

It’s missing them before they even leave. When goodbye makes you want to just say hello again.

It’s the touch you can feel in every inch of your body and arms that hold you reminding you home isn’t a place, but a person.

And wherever they are, that’s home.

And wherever home is it’s the best adventure, because you have them to share it with.

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After Awhile…

After awhile, I stopped getting excited about things that didn’t matter.

I used to get excited seeing you like a picture on my Instagram.

But then I realized, that’s all it was. You liking a picture, but not liking me.

After awhile, I stopped snapping things hoping you’d care enough to look at my story.

Because I realized if you cared, you would be with me.

After awhile, my heart stopped racing when you’d snap me or text me.

Because I realized all I was doing was allowing myself to be the person you turned to when you were bored.

After awhile, I stopped inviting you places because I knew you’d never make me the priority I needed to be.

It was either you canceling and rescheduling and I couldn’t keep hoping maybe I’d matter one day.

After awhile, I stopped texting you first.

Because I realized that’s all it was, was texting.

I learned to stop making you a part of my routine, even though you were always my favorite part.

My loudest laugh staring at a screen. My biggest smile.

You were almost everything I wanted, but couldn’t be. But that wasn’t enough.

I needed something more than social media validating how you might have felt.

I needed someone to be there.

I needed someone to show up.

I needed someone’s words to match their actions.

And I couldn’t find that with you.

There were moments where it was 3am and we were the only ones up and talking turned into careless flirting, we didn’t say anything but we both knew it was there.

Moments where we’d be standing there next to each other and there wasn’t company I enjoyed more than yours, but you’d look at me and I could tell you wanted me to be someone else.

As much as one person could try to convince another to care, I did that.

I cared more about you than I did anyone in my life for a very long time. And I feel grateful to have cared about anyone that much even if you didn’t fully feel the same way.

But neither of us could be what we each needed, and I think it took me a little while to realize that.

I think I’ll always care. I told you things I didn’t tell anyone. I trusted you both with my secrets and my heart, and I wouldn’t take any of it back.

My friends say I wasted time reading signals.

But I felt it. Even if nothing came of that. Even if nothing was ever declared. There was something undefined between us. I think when you’re lucky, you find that connection with very few people.

I can be bitter about time wasted and uncertainty and potential mixed signals. Maybe you liked the attention. Maybe you liked knowing someone cared, even when you didn’t. Maybe I played the role you needed at the time, and that’s okay. Or I can be happy you gave me the time and attention you were able to, even if it wasn’t what I needed.

I gave you my best and when you do that, you can’t ever regret it.

My face still lights up sometimes when your name appears on my phone. But it’s never going to mean what I want it to.

But I learned that’s it’s okay.

Lonesome girl watching at Paris city scape at sunset/sunrise.