This Is Me Letting Go Of The Idea Of Us.

It doesn’t seem too long ago that we weren’t just an idea. But reality. At least some fantasy I wanted to see become reality. That’s what I held onto. Every false promise. Every false lead. Letting go so easily, every time you disappointed me or let me down because I thought just maybe if I loved you hard enough or tried hard enough, maybe you’d realize what I saw from the beginning.

We were a stream of trial and error. Running in these circles. Coming in and out of each other’s lives and I thought it was a sign. A sign that we found our way back to each other every time. No matter what happened we always found our way again. No matter how we might have hurt each other or let each other down. And no matter how wrong we might have been for each other, neither of us could deny the fact that there was something stronger there. A force greater than both of us.

I was pompous to think our history and a past I couldn’t let go of entitled me to your future. But I wanted it to be you. God damn, I wanted it to be you.

And as much as we grew up and grew apart over the years, we carried pieces of each other in every new version of ourselves we became.

We carried pieces of each other in every new place and in every new person we met. And in everyone we ever loved, the foundation first was the love we found in each other, even though we couldn’t define it really.

It’s hard to make sense of the love you have for another person when you’re still trying to figure out how to love yourself.

But we saw every worst version of each other. We lived through every horrible thing we couldn’t explain and the only thing that ever made sense in any of it was each other and the fact no matter what happened, we’d eventually find our way again.

The words I love you weren’t said because you meant it, I think we were each looking for someone to love you. I think we were looking to fill unexplainable voids. My love came free and easy, not hard to win over. In both of our lives, we learned a hard lesson in love that sometimes the love we deserve from people, we don’t get.

So we turned to each other. And it was in one another we learned about the cracks and scars that made us exactly who we were. And it was that understanding and lack of judgment that made us who we became after all of it. Not to be defined by circumstance, but rather who we chose to be.

Both our hearts felt a little too deeply in a world that left us disappointed. We both became jaded, guarded, and fearful not of love, but of finding it and losing it.

I think sometimes we hurt each other because of the pain others caused us. I think sometimes we blamed each other for things that weren’t the other’s ownership to claim.

Moments where we each needed someone to hate and we loved each other enough, so that’s where it fell.

But I think we also like testing each other. There’s something comforting about knowing someone will always be there loving you regardless how you act.

We were a nice idea.

And there are still times I think back believing in it. Believing in us. When you swore to me we’d be together and we’d get it right. Of the things, I was uncertain of, I believed in you and the us I wanted so badly.

But then I got to realize that’s all it was, an idea that seemed nice.

I came to this cold realization as I went to the same place that used to be ours. I went so often alone it became my own but every time I went back, I still saw the younger versions of ourselves. Ones who believed in each other.

There are some things you don’t know how to let go of and the idea of us was one I held onto so tightly.

I’ve never looked at someone so confidently and sure. My friends watched me self-destruct believing in something that was only an idea.

Because with you, I thought I’d be safe, secure, and taken care of. I tried so desperately to play the role of what you needed in someone while what I needed was security.

If only we could get there first. If only every star aligned the way it should have and we were both in the same place at the same time emotionally ready to jump into this thing.

But we never found that. Instead, we found every reason to continue prolonging it.

We always found each other between relationships and heartbreak and trying to healing, but we were never in the places, physically mentally and emotionally that we needed to be in to take that next step.

I always thought I was ready for you. But when you try to force someone to be what you  rather than what they are, you’ll be left in states of resentment. Maybe you never resented me, but I couldn’t make you the person I knew you’d one day become no matter what I did or how hard I tried.

I still remember the night you told me there was someone else. I didn’t think much of it because of how many people we’ve seen come and go. But this time it was different. This time it was real.

And while she lived the life with you I only ever dreamed of, I still sat waiting, hoping, wishing just maybe it could still be me.

It seems everyone else has moved on with their lives. Every person we ever dated or were interested in, found someone to be their forever. And here I was alone.

Uncertain if I was to blame because I would have never given up on you if you hadn’t given up on me first.

But this is me choosing to let go of the idea of us. Because that’s all it ever was.

Sometimes I wonder if you really believed I could have been the one for you. Sometimes I want to ask do you ever look at her and wonder about me? Sometimes I wonder if any of this was real or just a feeling I liked to hold onto?

This is me letting go of the idea of us because I deserve to be more than just an idea. I deserve to not have to wait when someone might be ready based on circumstance. I deserve a love that believes in me the same way I believed in you.

I just wonder if I’ll ever believe in someone that much again. Sometimes I wonder if I want to.

This is me letting go of the idea of us. And forgiving myself for getting so lost in someone I lost myself.

I think part of me will always love you and value you what we had even if I don’t know what that is really.

But this is me letting go of the idea of us because you did the second she walked into your life. I just hope I meet someone who can do that for me. Someone who will teach me that letting go is the first step to holding on to something and someone real.

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Moving On.

Moving on isn’t pretty, fun or easy. Honestly, there’s a lot of ugliness and pain that comes with it.

It means respecting yourself enough to feel through pain even though you just want to forget about the person.

It means allowing yourself to fall completely apart and be okay with not getting up for a while.

It’s allowing yourself to make really irrational choices and decisions when it comes to this person you still love. And even though your acts look desperate and you might come across as crazy trying to win them back, that only proves how much you loved the person.

It’s becoming angry at them for hurting you. And saying a lot of things you don’t mean. You don’t realize it, but that anger is really a masked pain in disguise.

It’s the uncomfortable run-ins you have where you look at this person who looks the same, but you see them completely differently now. Because you never thought they’d be the one to break down to a point you didn’t know how to put yourself back together.

It’s talking as much as you need to, to anyone that will listen because you still don’t understand how all this happened and what you might have done wrong.

It’s texting them about something stupid just hoping they will answer and you can talk. Because you miss them. But more than that, you miss what you used to be.

It’s going to the gym more and you swear it has nothing to do with them. But you look at yourself in the mirror and doubt yourself and your appearance thinking maybe if you change or improve, they’ll come back.

It’s using anything to numb the pain they caused. But you realize when you drink, there isn’t enough alcohol to forget them.

It’s struggling to sleep at night remembering when it was them lying next to you. Now your bed seems a little to big for one.

It’s trying out new things because that’s what you’re supposed to do after a breakup. Do all the things they didn’t approve of just to prove ‘now I can.’

It’s low key trying to get their attention with a post or a story desperately clinging to just maybe they’ll see it and remember everything you can’t seem to forget.

It’s appearing to be happier than you actually are because you don’t want people to know you’re hurting.

It’s talking your best friend’s ear off having the same conversation over and over again and just needing that validation and a confidence boost, even though it’s going to take you a while to believe what they say.

It’s seeing your ex everywhere. On every road you drive and every song you listen to and in every big moment you had, they were a part of. You struggle with even knowing what it’s like to be alone.

So you date like you’re supposed to. You date a lot. And these people are so attractive and have so much going for them. And you think, ‘ha I’ve done better than you,’ but it hurts because you don’t think there is better than them.

You realize how despite many dates you have or people you hook up with, it’s not with the one person you want it to be.

It’s losing weight without even trying because you aren’t hungry to begin with, but you also realize you just don’t care about much without them in your life.

It’s waking up one day and realizing you never want someone to make you feel that way again.

It’s waking up and realizing after all that effort and attempts to win them back, you can’t love someone enough to get them to want to choose you.

And after a while, you realize after every emotion you’ve had and going through hell and back that if they showed up tomorrow saying sorry, you wouldn’t want them anymore.

Because even if it’s broken you know in your heart you deserve better than this.

It’s getting yourself to a point where you realize your value and you realize it was their loss more than it was ever yours.

It’s mustering the courage to push unfollow even though you do want to keep tabs on them and who they are with. You know it’s for the best to try to move on.

It’s making the choice to move on because you know they already have.

It’s respecting the relationship for what it was and not allowing a bad ending to tarnish all the good memories you had.

It’s finally looking at them happy and it doesn’t hurt anymore. Because you realized you can survive without them. You realized it’s going to be okay. And it might have been the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through, but moving on is getting to a point where you aren’t bitter but grateful you met someone who was that hard to move on from.

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The Ugly Honest Truth Part 3.

The ugly honest truth is you never actually get over someone you didn’t date. You just learn to stop feeling things so deeply. You learn to stop acting on those emotions. You learn to stop believing in the one days and the maybes. You let go of hope and feel both deflated and defeated.

The ugly honest truth about getting over an almost relationship is you never get that closure you need. Instead, you just learn to heal, realizing sometimes you have to for your own sake. And you’re never going to get the ending you wanted or the apology you might have deserved.

The ugly honest truth is, you never actually lose feelings for the person. I don’t care how much time passes or who you each date. Those feelings linger and subside, but they don’t just leave because the person might have. Like the inactivity of a format volcano, the feelings are there, but nothing is happening with them.

The ugly honest truth about getting over an almost relationship is, no matter how good of terms you might be on, there are always bitter feelings for what they did. There’s always wanting to get back at them. There’s always wanting to make them jealous. There’s always a piece of you that wants them to feel what you felt. But the root of those ill intentions, is caring.

The ugly honest truth about getting over an almost relationship is, you see them out and you want to know they are watching you. You want to know they care even a little.

You flirt more and laugh louder than you should.

You want to make it clear, ‘you might have broken my heart, but I’m fine now and better without you, even if you aren’t.’

You will never let them know how many times you cried yourself to sleep wondering why they didn’t want you.

So you fake it. Self doubt is replaced with confidence.

Your broken heart is hidden and replaced with a smile.

You watch them out of the corner of your eye, you want to know you got to them the same way they got to you. And maybe it’s not nice and you know you shouldn’t fight fire with fire, but you’re secretly hoping that maybe they’ll realize they messed up.

The ugly honest truth is, even when you move on, there are still pieces of them you look for in everyone. Even if you’re not realizing it. Because they did have a lot of redeeming qualities.

The ugly honest truth is, even if this relationship didn’t go anywhere and there wasn’t a title to it, you miss thinking back to believing that maybe one day there would be.

The ugly honest truth is, you move on and part of you still misses the things you used to complain about. The confusion. The games. The mixed signals. Their attention. Because at least you had their attention.

You used to get excited when their name came across your notifications. You used to post stories just hoping they’d be the first to see it. They used to consume so much of your day with conversations that gave you hope. More than that, they consumed your thoughts.

You looked at them and you truly believed they were the best thing that ever came into your life.

It was a combination of both wanting someone that much and admiring them, which kept you hanging on as long as you did.

They didn’t just have it, they were it.

This standard no one else could compete with because you put them on a pedestal. And maybe they didn’t deserve to be there, but you miss seeing them in that light.

Maybe you saw them through rose-colored lenses, but there is pain that comes when someone’s true colors are revealed, and it hits you that they weren’t who you thought they were.

Because when an almost relationship ends, what’s really ending, is the person you thought they were.

You try to move on and here’s this person who knows as much about you as some of your friends. Here is someone you’ve emotionally connected with at a level deeper than some people you even dated.

They walk away holding all your secrets and more than that, they walk away forever holding a piece of your heart you’ll never get back.

Over time you learn to not get excited when you see they liked something.

Over time you don’t answer so fast just because they texted you.

Over time you don’t care that they looked at your story.

You learn to live your life detaching yourself from them. And that hurts like hell.

Small talk fills the air, but what you aren’t saying or trying to prove anymore, is you were right for them.

Because the ugly honest truth about getting over an almost relationship is, realizing sometimes these people you love and adore, you’re better off without.

You walk away realizing there are some people you’ll always love and never be with because they didn’t choose you. And that’s the hardest part about almost relationships, it’s that moment you watch them leave because they don’t want you.

Maybe they like you enough to mess with you and entertain themselves with your attention. Maybe they like you enough to boost their own ego, when they blow up your news feed and ignore your texts. Maybe they like you enough to see how you react to every game they play.

But at the end of the day, they don’t like you enough to choose you.

And you realize you’ve spent a lot of time choosing someone who was never doing the same. You invested time, emotions, and energy into someone who was never going to play the role of what you needed no matter how badly you wanted them.

And when this realization hits you between the eyes, you begin the process of letting go and trying to move on.

The ugly honest truth about getting over an almost relationship is, you spend a lot of days waking up missing someone who was never yours to begin with.

And even when you start a new relationship, there are moments you catch yourself wishing it was with them.

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It Isn’t About Blowing Up Someone’s News Feed.

When you like someone it isn’t just about how much attention you give them on social media. If you like their last post. If you open their snapchat and reply quickly. It isn’t just about answering a text message. If you tag them in things. If you give them a shout out on a certain day of the week. We’ve built those things up to appear like they matter more than they do, but in reality it’s insignificant.

At the end of the day you have to judge people based on what they are willing to do to prove you matter in their life and want you a part of it.

If feelings were that simply defined by social media activity, I can promise you, you’d have a lot of competition. But more than that, it’s about what you are willing to do in real life.

Are you willing to keep your word when you tell them you’ll be there? Or are you going to cancel and continue to text them the whole night?

Do you care about who they are or what they can offer you?? Or do you just like the idea of them?

Do you like them because they boost your ego or actually have redeeming qualities??

But more than that it’s about asking yourself, ‘can I fit this person into my life and do I want to?’

Because it’s easy to answer text messages and blow up someone’s newsfeed. But this ‘talking’ we put so much emphasis on, is bullshit.

Are you willing to go a step further than that?

When shit hits the fan are you going to be a reassuring text message on the phone or are you going to show up at her house with her favorite flowers and hold her as she cries???

When she needs a plus one to an event, are you just going to like her pic from that night because yes she looks good or are you going to be the one who is standing next to her??

When it’s her birthday and she asked you to be there, is she going to look around the room wondering why you aren’t or will you be standing by her side??

When it’s late at night and she’s lonely, are you gonna be the person she can call at any hour or are you going to be laying next to her to pull her in when she can’t sleep??

When she raves about her dad, are you going to come up with a million excuses of why you can’t meet him or will you be shaking his hand because you want him to know his daughter is in good hands??

When it’s a Friday night, is she gonna just be the call you make when you’ve had a lot to drink or is she already going to be waiting for you at home because you gave her a key??

More than appearing to like her or seeming like you care, are you telling her every single day that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you?

More than boosting her ego, liking some selfie, are you telling her she’s so beautiful every single day that she doesn’t need strangers validation?

When you’ve done something wrong are you find out through a passive aggressive post or are you talking about the problem and working through it because that’s what you do in real relationships?

When you get hit on at a bar and came very well close the deal, do you stop them because you already have something that’s worth so much more than a one night stand?

When you finally introduce her to your friends and family, do they already know who she is because you couldn’t stop talking about her? Or is she standing there wanting to be a part of your life but you aren’t letting her that close?

And when you meet her, are you willing to give up the life you have alone to share it with someone or are you just gonna lead her on??

There’s this trend of almost relationships and casual hookups and dating and confusion that I hear all my friends talking about. It seems like everyone is tired of it, yet it doesn’t stop because we allow mixed signals to appear like it’s something more.

We’ve mistaken convenience with flattery. Boredom with interest. Likes with how someone might feel. And reading signs that aren’t there because we want it to be.

More than words, you have to judge someone by actions and what they are willing to do for you.

Like if your phone got taken away, would there be a relationship or interest even there or are you focusing on things that don’t matter??

We all want to believe that someone liking our photo means something a little more. Or them tagging you in something means they care. Or looking at your snapchat story means they are interested.

The role social media plays in relationships we build up to mean something more than it is.

You gotta realize there are people who are going to say all the right things and appear like they care, but they don’t. There are people who are going to like the fact you like them and give them attention and that’s all it is. So when they blow up your news feed, like your pics, send you snapchats, don’t think too much about it unless they are willing to do something a little more than that.

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Letting You Go For Good.

I held back tears when I said goodbye. I’m sure you thought much of it or noticed.

But for me, it was an ending to something I’ve held onto longer than I should have. Closing the chapter that I kept rereading titled ‘us.’

The truth is, I looked back at you hoping maybe you were watching me go. Maybe then you would have given me a reason to turn around. Only you didn’t. I walked away hoping you’d come after me. Only you didn’t. Hoping maybe it would hit you that it should have been us this whole time.

I drove home that night calling someone, I’m afraid it has become comfortably part of my routine. Even if I didn’t want to or think I was ready, life had a way of moving on and taking me along with it.

He tries calling me baby and I hate to admit it fits. Because there are moments I still wish it was you.

I drove home silently. An ache in my chest made me realize how much I really did love you. How much I really did want you. How far I was willing to go. How I wouldn’t have given up on you if only you didn’t give up on me first.

But if there’s anything I do right in 2019, it’ll be letting you go for good.

Letting go of the idea that maybe one day we’d get it right.

Letting go of the possibility of maybes and hoping and wishing for a reality that’s only one in my mind.

Letting go of this idea of us because it was haunting me in a way and all I heard was your voice telling me to stay.

Whispers of ‘I love you’ in the dark were met with the heartbreaking reply, ‘I know.’

I knew that’s all we’d ever be, me constantly trying to prove I was worthy of being loved back. And you taking my love with you to build yourself up in a way that tore me down.

I think I knew the whole time, I just didn’t want to believe it. When you invest time and emotions into someone, you don’t want to be wrong about them.

Maybe it was my stubborn nature that forced me to hold on longer than I should have.

Your head always knows the truth even if it takes your heart longer to catch up. And I’ve always been someone to follow my heart more than I should.

In the new year, these are the things I’ll let go of.

Jealousy. Because even if I was everything you could have wanted, I still don’t know if you’d choose me.

Pain. Because I clung to it because it was so familiar, but that shouldn’t be the case.

Confusion. Because there was something there between us. I’m just not gonna think about that anymore.

Envy. Because maybe just like you found the right person, I hope I will too.

Blame. Because neither of us were to blame for things outside our control.

Sadness. Because I’m tired of writing such sad things and letting that define me.

The past. Because everything about my past has you written all over it, and I need to know what it’s like to not hold on so tightly to something that hurts.

In 2019 I can only hope I meet someone I love as deeply as I loved you. But more than that, I hope I meet someone who can love me the way I deserve. Because all your love did was leave me empty, thinking I was to blame for your inability to give me what I deserved.

But most of all, the things I hope for is healing in a way I realize it was your loss more than it would ever be mine. And I hope I can say that in the new year and believe it.

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Lost Love.

I know what it’s like to hold onto someone and something a little bit tighter than you should. I know what it’s like to still think of them when you used to talk about your future even if it was one that was uncertain.

I know what it’s like going to bed alone and wishing they were right there with you. Maybe thinking back to a time when they were.

Lost love doesn’t just go away because the person did. It lingers. But the past only haunts you as long as you let it.

You’re watering a dead plant loving someone who has moved on.

You can’t keep doing this to yourself.

You can’t keep clinging to something and someone just because.

You can’t keep coming back hoping that maybe something will change.

That’s not how it works. And if you keep doing that, if you keep replaying the past and holding on so tightly to something and someone you should let go of, you’re gonna continue to be alone. Or worse, you’ll be in the arms of people who make you feel that way.

I would love to tell you one day he wakes up and realizes you’ve loved him this whole time.

In fact, I’m sure there are moments it hits him, he knows ‘she loved me with everything she had.’ And even he wants you to move on and heal because you deserve to. You deserve someone who loves you as deeply as you loved him. And you deserve to not hurt anymore.

But you have to realize the only reason you might still be hurting is, because now you’re doing it to yourself. It’s no longer someone else causing you pain when you’re clinging to a memory. That’s on you.

You wake up alone thinking of him while he’s waking up next to someone he loves, someone he’s built a life with, someone he sees in his future.

He’s never going to suddenly choose you.

You were a nice idea and it hurts that that’s all it ever was, but you have to accept that.

You have to learn to live with the fact he didn’t choose you. That’s what it comes down to in black and white.

The hardest thing about moving on from people and relationships is understanding the reason something didn’t work out is because the other person didn’t want it to. And you can’t want something enough for the both of you to make it work.

I urge you to let go because you deserve to be happy.

There is someone out there who will make you forget him, but you have to want to get over him yourself too. You have to want to heal to have a relationship. And you’ll never have a healthy relationship with anyone if you keep holding onto this idea of what ifs and the maybes.

I know it hurts to let go. But what hurts more is watching you do this to yourself. You don’t deserve to cling to pain. But that’s what you are used to, so I understand why you do it. But the moment you let go, the moment you leave all this behind, the moment you are brave enough to realize you deserve better, you’ll get it. You just have to get out of your own way first.

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The Ugly Honest Truth Part 2.

The ugly honest truth is, I know I should be.

I shouldn’t have fallen so hard or so quickly.

I should have known it would end this way.

Alone missing you.

I should have been a little more cautious with matters of the heart.

But you fell into my life so carelessly and so easily.

And before I could realize, I was already in too deep.

Then it was over.

And everything about you felt so close but so far.

I shouldn’t think of you as much as I do.

But how do you get over someone when everything reminds you of them?

There are some days it feels like I lost myself trying to keep you.

Then there are moments I realize you can never lose something that wasn’t yours to begin with.

But how do you explain this pain that’s the only thing that feels real these days?

Then there are days you are everywhere.

On every street corner.

In every song, I listen to.

In every book, I read.

In every part of me or at least the parts of myself I like.

Maybe I’m looking for you.

Looking for you in everyone I meet.

Because maybe if I find someone like you, I’ll find myself again.

The ugly honest truth is, I don’t know how to heal.

And I cling to pain like it’s some comfortable sweater.

When pain becomes your comfort zone, how do you steer away from that?

When people become a home for your heart to reside, how do you find a place to call yours when they all leave?

When their voice is the light guiding you and suddenly you’re overcome with an eerie silence, how do you find your way again when you feel like you’re lost?

How do you move on when company makes you feel lonelier than you did when you were by yourself?

Sometimes the arms of a stranger make you realize how well he really knew you and how much you want that connection you knew was rare when you found it.

The ugly honest truth is, nothing about getting over someone is pretty, easy, or fast.

The more you care about someone, the longer it’s going to take to get over them. And the longer it takes, that just proves they were someone really special.

Some days are gonna be fine. Some days you don’t think of them at all.

Then other days you wake up and you feel it in your chest and you fall to your knees and you hold back tears and you listen to music that brings you back to every memory that wasn’t supposed to turn into pain.

You realize how not over them you are.

And you don’t know when you will be.

So you take the pain as it comes and realize you hate how much it hurts, but there is beauty within the pain that you can feel something that deeply for someone.

The ugly honest truth is, you don’t just get over someone because they are gone or the relationship ends.

Sometimes it doesn’t hit you until months or weeks later when you realize they were the only ones who ever knew you to the core of who you were and without them, you gotta find yourself again. And it’s okay if you’re not there yet.

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