If there is one thing 2018 has taught me about love and relationships, it’s how much my heart can endure every time it broke.
Every time I got let down.
Every time I got disappointed.
Every time something ended that I thought would be different.
In 2018, I said I love you for the first time in a while and I meant it. Only I didn’t hear it back.
I laid next to a lot of people at night hoping and praying this would be something more.
But it never was.
Every prospect was some false lead.
And every road I walked on cautiously led to some dead-end.
Every word they said that sounded nice turned out to be a lie.
And every time I followed their lead, I was made to be the fool.
Falling for people who lead me on is like leading a horse to water and being surprised when I drank it.
My heart broke this year worse than it had before.
Only I was expected to just get over it.
If 2018 taught me anything, it’s to be more cautious with matters of the heart.
To not believe everything they say.
Because guys will tell you anything you want to hear.
I learned to judge people more by what they do or rather didn’t do.
In 2018 I spent way too much time accepting apologies that never came.
Holding onto people who didn’t care if I let go.
In 2018 I realized how quickly people leave when I stopped trying so hard.
I’m not desperately looking for love.
I don’t even have apps on my phone.
I even stopped dating for a really long time because I thought maybe that would be better.
I just want to meet someone who is honest.
I just want to meet someone who cares.
I just want to meet someone who is as tired of dating games as I am.
I want to meet someone who isn’t using me to get over someone else.
I want to meet someone who I’m not just drinking with.
I don’t think it’s demanding much to want something real.
The relationships that are more than just something physical.
The guys who aren’t using me emotionally because they know I’ll answer every time.
In 2019 I just want someone who stays.
Someone who is willing to put in as much effort as I do.
Someone I can introduce my friends and family to who isn’t afraid of that step.
Someone who will be there on holidays or big days in my life.
Someone who cares enough to fit me into their life even though we’re both busy with our own.
Someone who cares enough to show up when I need them.
If 2018 has taught me anything, it’s to not rely too heavily on anyone because at any point they can leave.
But there are moments I’m tired of being so strong alone.
I don’t think it’s weak to admit I want someone.
Because I’m not lonely.
I’m proud of the life I’ve created for myself. But there are moments it would be nice to share that with someone.
Want someone to share in my success.
Hold me in moments of failure.
Tell me it’s okay.
In 2019 I hope I meet someone who doesn’t leave me confused or in the dark about how they feel.
But is worthy of the things I feel for them.
I’m not asking for some grand love, just someone to make me believe in it again.
Someone who makes me trust it again.
Someone who makes me realize why every relationship ended the way it did.
Someone that makes me realize the right relationship wasn’t far away.
Because with everything that happened in 2018, has me wondering what the hell am I doing wrong here?
I need to believe in love again.
I need to have faith in someone.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned even when you’re the best version of yourself, doing extremely well there are things I can’t achieve, versions of myself I can’t be without the love of someone else.
I don’t look back at 2018 negatively. Alone it was one of my best years.
But if 2019 has anything in store for me, I hope it’s a love that stays.