When You’re Sorry & Want A Second Chance.

I asked you why you came back and you said it’s because you’re sorry.

I’ve heard that word too many times and I always hear it too late.

I wonder are you actually sorry for what you did or just guilty??

I’ve learned people come back often just to clear their conscious.

I just hate that it has to get to that point.

I’ll always be the first to forgive probably because I blamed myself in the first place.

Even though I took ownership of things that weren’t mine to claim.

Leaving without an explanation.

The relationship ended without a goodbye.

Ghosting and the fade out.

Because when someone treats you well and is kind and doesn’t do anything wrong and suddenly you lose interest, because maybe I was too easy to read.

You knew exactly how I felt and I didn’t make it complicated.

Like confusion is the new art of attraction and love is foreign to so many.

As we pine after likes looking for validation.

When you lose interest in girls like me you can’t explain why.

You don’t want to hurt our feelings.

And most the time you don’t know why yourself.

Something changed, whether it was my fault or not.

But boys tend to avoid awkward conversations.

Rejection without explanation.

Allow silence to speak loudest.

As girls like me stare at our phones like we’ve done something wrong.

And we analyze ourselves thinking we’re to blame.

When in reality, we deserve an explanation.

So we move on without closure.

And learn to forgive ourselves for letting someone too close again.

We get a follow after being unfollowed.

We get a notification of a like.

We get a message.

A text.

A call.

An apology that doesn’t change what happened.

But here we go again.

Forgiving too quickly.

Because grudges are not our forte.

Falling too fast.

Because no matter how many times we get hurt we seem to never stop loving.

Hoping and praying that this time it might be different.

All I ask is if you come back, please make it for the right reasons.

If you say ‘I’m sorry,’ please show me you are.

If you tell me you care, let’s not make it for the night.

If you think of me and start to miss me, I hope you miss who I am, not what I am as a woman.

If you want me for the wrong reasons, please use someone else.

Because I don’t have much left in me.

And I can’t handle being hurt and disappointed again.

It isn’t just you.

It’s everyone like you.

Maybe that’s made me jaded.

Maybe that’s made me skeptical.

But you have to understand how hard it is.

I wear my heart on my sleeve so carelessly.

In a world that constantly proves I shouldn’t.

I wear long sleeves.

Hiding my wrists.

Constantly pulling at my sleeves.

Hoping no one sees.

Because all it ever does is end badly.

I’m not mad at you, so you don’t have to say sorry.

Don’t waste my time with an explanation just because.

I’ll listen to you apologize if you feel you must.

Even though I’ve heard it before.

But if it’s a second chance you want.

I’ll give it to you.

But please don’t make me regret it.

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I Want A Love That Stays.

If there is one thing 2018 has taught me about love and relationships, it’s how much my heart can endure every time it broke.

Every time I got let down.

Every time I got disappointed.

Every time something ended that I thought would be different.

In 2018, I said I love you for the first time in a while and I meant it. Only I didn’t hear it back.

I laid next to a lot of people at night hoping and praying this would be something more.

But it never was.

Every prospect was some false lead.

And every road I walked on cautiously led to some dead-end.

Every word they said that sounded nice turned out to be a lie.

And every time I followed their lead, I was made to be the fool.

Falling for people who lead me on is like leading a horse to water and being surprised when I drank it.

My heart broke this year worse than it had before.

Only I was expected to just get over it.

If 2018 taught me anything, it’s to be more cautious with matters of the heart.

To not believe everything they say.

Because guys will tell you anything you want to hear.

I learned to judge people more by what they do or rather didn’t do.

In 2018 I spent way too much time accepting apologies that never came.

Holding onto people who didn’t care if I let go.

In 2018 I realized how quickly people leave when I stopped trying so hard.

I’m not desperately looking for love.

I don’t even have apps on my phone.

I even stopped dating for a really long time because I thought maybe that would be better.

I just want to meet someone who is honest.

I just want to meet someone who cares.

I just want to meet someone who is as tired of dating games as I am.

I want to meet someone who isn’t using me to get over someone else.

I want to meet someone who I’m not just drinking with.

I don’t think it’s demanding much to want something real.

The relationships that are more than just something physical.

The guys who aren’t using me emotionally because they know I’ll answer every time.

In 2019 I just want someone who stays.

Someone who is willing to put in as much effort as I do.

Someone I can introduce my friends and family to who isn’t afraid of that step.

Someone who will be there on holidays or big days in my life.

Someone who cares enough to fit me into their life even though we’re both busy with our own.

Someone who cares enough to show up when I need them.

If 2018 has taught me anything, it’s to not rely too heavily on anyone because at any point they can leave.

But there are moments I’m tired of being so strong alone.

I don’t think it’s weak to admit I want someone.

Because I’m not lonely.

I’m proud of the life I’ve created for myself. But there are moments it would be nice to share that with someone.

Want someone to share in my success.

Hold me in moments of failure.

Tell me it’s okay.

In 2019 I hope I meet someone who doesn’t leave me confused or in the dark about how they feel.

But is worthy of the things I feel for them.

I’m not asking for some grand love, just someone to make me believe in it again.

Someone who makes me trust it again.

Someone who makes me realize why every relationship ended the way it did.

Someone that makes me realize the right relationship wasn’t far away.

Because with everything that happened in 2018, has me wondering what the hell am I doing wrong here?

I need to believe in love again.

I need to have faith in someone.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned even when you’re the best version of yourself, doing extremely well there are things I can’t achieve, versions of myself I can’t be without the love of someone else.

Dear 2019,
I don’t look back at 2018 negatively. Alone it was one of my best years.

But if 2019 has anything in store for me, I hope it’s a love that stays.

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Date The Girl Who Loves Dogs.

Date the girl who loves dogs.

The one who stops you dead in your tracks because one walked by and she wants to pet them.

The one who already knows the breed even if it’s a mix.

Date the girl who loves dogs. The one who forces you to volunteer or go to charity events for the cause. Because she knows the importance of giving back and serving your time to a cause greater than yourself.

The one who gets worked up over the fact shelter dogs get killed sometimes.

The one who gets worked up over the fact Puppy Mills exist and she knows a lot about them.

The one who sees a stray dog and wants to take it home and take care of it until they are returned to their owners.

The one who drags you to shelters on the weekend or pet stores just to see them.

Date the girl who loves dogs and cares enough to want to save all of them.

The one whose Facebook page is filled with puppy videos. Because puppies make everyone happy. And girls who love dogs are just happier people.

The girl who loves dogs has an honest heart you’ll fall in love with. A heart they probably wear on their sleeve most the time.

They are a little more compassionate and caring than most people. They have a level of empathy that’s just a little deeper.

She shows empathy at a level most people can’t. And when you’re going through something she’ll be your rock. Even though it might not be her going through it, you won’t feel alone with her by your side because everything you feel she does too.

Date the girl who loves dogs because she knows the important things in life aren’t about success and money, but relationships, connections, and unconditional love.

She’s not the girl who is going to care what you do and if there’s some fancy title attached to it, she’s going to care about why you do it.

She’s not the girl who is going to care that you’re involved in charity, she’s going to ask you ‘why did you choose that one?’

She’s not the girl who wants expensive gifts at Christmas or to be showered with things, but cares about your time and attention. She’d rather you two do something together than you get her something at all.

Date the girl who loves dogs because you can trust her. You’ll find yourself up late at night telling her things you’ve never said out loud. Feeling through emotions you repressed, and she won’t judge you for any of it. She’ll laugh when you laugh. She’ll cry when you cry. She’ll help you to feel everything.

Date the girl who loves dogs because she knows communication is so much more than the things you say, but the things you do. She’ll watch your body language closely. She’ll watch how you respond to things. She’ll pick up on the smallest of cues you might not even realize.

She’ll follow her intuition and if something feels wrong, she’ll address it head-on. She won’t repress her feelings or keep them bottled up. Because she can’t do that sort of thing if she tried.

Date the girl who loves dogs because she’s a little more fun than most and finds joy in the simplest things life has to offer.

And you’ll watch yourself fall in love with everything about her.

And if there’s one thing you’re sure of it’s that with having her in your future comes with a lot of dogs, she’ll probably bring home to care for. And you smile because it’s okay. Even if you weren’t a dog person before her, you learned to be.

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This Is Me Letting Go Of The Idea Of Us.

It doesn’t seem too long ago that we weren’t just an idea. But reality. At least some fantasy I wanted to see become reality. That’s what I held onto. Every false promise. Every false lead. Letting go so easily, every time you disappointed me or let me down because I thought just maybe if I loved you hard enough or tried hard enough, maybe you’d realize what I saw from the beginning.

We were a stream of trial and error. Running in these circles. Coming in and out of each other’s lives and I thought it was a sign. A sign that we found our way back to each other every time. No matter what happened we always found our way again. No matter how we might have hurt each other or let each other down. And no matter how wrong we might have been for each other, neither of us could deny the fact that there was something stronger there. A force greater than both of us.

I was pompous to think our history and a past I couldn’t let go of entitled me to your future. But I wanted it to be you. God damn, I wanted it to be you.

And as much as we grew up and grew apart over the years, we carried pieces of each other in every new version of ourselves we became.

We carried pieces of each other in every new place and in every new person we met. And in everyone we ever loved, the foundation first was the love we found in each other, even though we couldn’t define it really.

It’s hard to make sense of the love you have for another person when you’re still trying to figure out how to love yourself.

But we saw every worst version of each other. We lived through every horrible thing we couldn’t explain and the only thing that ever made sense in any of it was each other and the fact no matter what happened, we’d eventually find our way again.

The words I love you weren’t said because you meant it, I think we were each looking for someone to love you. I think we were looking to fill unexplainable voids. My love came free and easy, not hard to win over. In both of our lives, we learned a hard lesson in love that sometimes the love we deserve from people, we don’t get.

So we turned to each other. And it was in one another we learned about the cracks and scars that made us exactly who we were. And it was that understanding and lack of judgment that made us who we became after all of it. Not to be defined by circumstance, but rather who we chose to be.

Both our hearts felt a little too deeply in a world that left us disappointed. We both became jaded, guarded, and fearful not of love, but of finding it and losing it.

I think sometimes we hurt each other because of the pain others caused us. I think sometimes we blamed each other for things that weren’t the other’s ownership to claim.

Moments where we each needed someone to hate and we loved each other enough, so that’s where it fell.

But I think we also like testing each other. There’s something comforting about knowing someone will always be there loving you regardless how you act.

We were a nice idea.

And there are still times I think back believing in it. Believing in us. When you swore to me we’d be together and we’d get it right. Of the things, I was uncertain of, I believed in you and the us I wanted so badly.

But then I got to realize that’s all it was, an idea that seemed nice.

I came to this cold realization as I went to the same place that used to be ours. I went so often alone it became my own but every time I went back, I still saw the younger versions of ourselves. Ones who believed in each other.

There are some things you don’t know how to let go of and the idea of us was one I held onto so tightly.

I’ve never looked at someone so confidently and sure. My friends watched me self-destruct believing in something that was only an idea.

Because with you, I thought I’d be safe, secure, and taken care of. I tried so desperately to play the role of what you needed in someone while what I needed was security.

If only we could get there first. If only every star aligned the way it should have and we were both in the same place at the same time emotionally ready to jump into this thing.

But we never found that. Instead, we found every reason to continue prolonging it.

We always found each other between relationships and heartbreak and trying to healing, but we were never in the places, physically mentally and emotionally that we needed to be in to take that next step.

I always thought I was ready for you. But when you try to force someone to be what you  rather than what they are, you’ll be left in states of resentment. Maybe you never resented me, but I couldn’t make you the person I knew you’d one day become no matter what I did or how hard I tried.

I still remember the night you told me there was someone else. I didn’t think much of it because of how many people we’ve seen come and go. But this time it was different. This time it was real.

And while she lived the life with you I only ever dreamed of, I still sat waiting, hoping, wishing just maybe it could still be me.

It seems everyone else has moved on with their lives. Every person we ever dated or were interested in, found someone to be their forever. And here I was alone.

Uncertain if I was to blame because I would have never given up on you if you hadn’t given up on me first.

But this is me choosing to let go of the idea of us. Because that’s all it ever was.

Sometimes I wonder if you really believed I could have been the one for you. Sometimes I want to ask do you ever look at her and wonder about me? Sometimes I wonder if any of this was real or just a feeling I liked to hold onto?

This is me letting go of the idea of us because I deserve to be more than just an idea. I deserve to not have to wait when someone might be ready based on circumstance. I deserve a love that believes in me the same way I believed in you.

I just wonder if I’ll ever believe in someone that much again. Sometimes I wonder if I want to.

This is me letting go of the idea of us. And forgiving myself for getting so lost in someone I lost myself.

I think part of me will always love you and value you what we had even if I don’t know what that is really.

But this is me letting go of the idea of us because you did the second she walked into your life. I just hope I meet someone who can do that for me. Someone who will teach me that letting go is the first step to holding on to something and someone real.

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Moving On.

Moving on isn’t pretty, fun or easy. Honestly, there’s a lot of ugliness and pain that comes with it.

It means respecting yourself enough to feel through pain even though you just want to forget about the person.

It means allowing yourself to fall completely apart and be okay with not getting up for a while.

It’s allowing yourself to make really irrational choices and decisions when it comes to this person you still love. And even though your acts look desperate and you might come across as crazy trying to win them back, that only proves how much you loved the person.

It’s becoming angry at them for hurting you. And saying a lot of things you don’t mean. You don’t realize it, but that anger is really a masked pain in disguise.

It’s the uncomfortable run-ins you have where you look at this person who looks the same, but you see them completely differently now. Because you never thought they’d be the one to break down to a point you didn’t know how to put yourself back together.

It’s talking as much as you need to, to anyone that will listen because you still don’t understand how all this happened and what you might have done wrong.

It’s texting them about something stupid just hoping they will answer and you can talk. Because you miss them. But more than that, you miss what you used to be.

It’s going to the gym more and you swear it has nothing to do with them. But you look at yourself in the mirror and doubt yourself and your appearance thinking maybe if you change or improve, they’ll come back.

It’s using anything to numb the pain they caused. But you realize when you drink, there isn’t enough alcohol to forget them.

It’s struggling to sleep at night remembering when it was them lying next to you. Now your bed seems a little to big for one.

It’s trying out new things because that’s what you’re supposed to do after a breakup. Do all the things they didn’t approve of just to prove ‘now I can.’

It’s low key trying to get their attention with a post or a story desperately clinging to just maybe they’ll see it and remember everything you can’t seem to forget.

It’s appearing to be happier than you actually are because you don’t want people to know you’re hurting.

It’s talking your best friend’s ear off having the same conversation over and over again and just needing that validation and a confidence boost, even though it’s going to take you a while to believe what they say.

It’s seeing your ex everywhere. On every road you drive and every song you listen to and in every big moment you had, they were a part of. You struggle with even knowing what it’s like to be alone.

So you date like you’re supposed to. You date a lot. And these people are so attractive and have so much going for them. And you think, ‘ha I’ve done better than you,’ but it hurts because you don’t think there is better than them.

You realize how despite many dates you have or people you hook up with, it’s not with the one person you want it to be.

It’s losing weight without even trying because you aren’t hungry to begin with, but you also realize you just don’t care about much without them in your life.

It’s waking up one day and realizing you never want someone to make you feel that way again.

It’s waking up and realizing after all that effort and attempts to win them back, you can’t love someone enough to get them to want to choose you.

And after a while, you realize after every emotion you’ve had and going through hell and back that if they showed up tomorrow saying sorry, you wouldn’t want them anymore.

Because even if it’s broken you know in your heart you deserve better than this.

It’s getting yourself to a point where you realize your value and you realize it was their loss more than it was ever yours.

It’s mustering the courage to push unfollow even though you do want to keep tabs on them and who they are with. You know it’s for the best to try to move on.

It’s making the choice to move on because you know they already have.

It’s respecting the relationship for what it was and not allowing a bad ending to tarnish all the good memories you had.

It’s finally looking at them happy and it doesn’t hurt anymore. Because you realized you can survive without them. You realized it’s going to be okay. And it might have been the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through, but moving on is getting to a point where you aren’t bitter but grateful you met someone who was that hard to move on from.

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