Letting You Go For Good.

I held back tears when I said goodbye. I’m sure you thought much of it or noticed.

But for me, it was an ending to something I’ve held onto longer than I should have. Closing the chapter that I kept rereading titled ‘us.’

The truth is, I looked back at you hoping maybe you were watching me go. Maybe then you would have given me a reason to turn around. Only you didn’t. I walked away hoping you’d come after me. Only you didn’t. Hoping maybe it would hit you that it should have been us this whole time.

I drove home that night calling someone, I’m afraid it has become comfortably part of my routine. Even if I didn’t want to or think I was ready, life had a way of moving on and taking me along with it.

He tries calling me baby and I hate to admit it fits. Because there are moments I still wish it was you.

I drove home silently. An ache in my chest made me realize how much I really did love you. How much I really did want you. How far I was willing to go. How I wouldn’t have given up on you if only you didn’t give up on me first.

But if there’s anything I do right in 2019, it’ll be letting you go for good.

Letting go of the idea that maybe one day we’d get it right.

Letting go of the possibility of maybes and hoping and wishing for a reality that’s only one in my mind.

Letting go of this idea of us because it was haunting me in a way and all I heard was your voice telling me to stay.

Whispers of ‘I love you’ in the dark were met with the heartbreaking reply, ‘I know.’

I knew that’s all we’d ever be, me constantly trying to prove I was worthy of being loved back. And you taking my love with you to build yourself up in a way that tore me down.

I think I knew the whole time, I just didn’t want to believe it. When you invest time and emotions into someone, you don’t want to be wrong about them.

Maybe it was my stubborn nature that forced me to hold on longer than I should have.

Your head always knows the truth even if it takes your heart longer to catch up. And I’ve always been someone to follow my heart more than I should.

In the new year, these are the things I’ll let go of.

Jealousy. Because even if I was everything you could have wanted, I still don’t know if you’d choose me.

Pain. Because I clung to it because it was so familiar, but that shouldn’t be the case.

Confusion. Because there was something there between us. I’m just not gonna think about that anymore.

Envy. Because maybe just like you found the right person, I hope I will too.

Blame. Because neither of us were to blame for things outside our control.

Sadness. Because I’m tired of writing such sad things and letting that define me.

The past. Because everything about my past has you written all over it, and I need to know what it’s like to not hold on so tightly to something that hurts.

In 2019 I can only hope I meet someone I love as deeply as I loved you. But more than that, I hope I meet someone who can love me the way I deserve. Because all your love did was leave me empty, thinking I was to blame for your inability to give me what I deserved.

But most of all, the things I hope for is healing in a way I realize it was your loss more than it would ever be mine. And I hope I can say that in the new year and believe it.

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Lost Love.

I know what it’s like to hold onto someone and something a little bit tighter than you should. I know what it’s like to still think of them when you used to talk about your future even if it was one that was uncertain.

I know what it’s like going to bed alone and wishing they were right there with you. Maybe thinking back to a time when they were.

Lost love doesn’t just go away because the person did. It lingers. But the past only haunts you as long as you let it.

You’re watering a dead plant loving someone who has moved on.

You can’t keep doing this to yourself.

You can’t keep clinging to something and someone just because.

You can’t keep coming back hoping that maybe something will change.

That’s not how it works. And if you keep doing that, if you keep replaying the past and holding on so tightly to something and someone you should let go of, you’re gonna continue to be alone. Or worse, you’ll be in the arms of people who make you feel that way.

I would love to tell you one day he wakes up and realizes you’ve loved him this whole time.

In fact, I’m sure there are moments it hits him, he knows ‘she loved me with everything she had.’ And even he wants you to move on and heal because you deserve to. You deserve someone who loves you as deeply as you loved him. And you deserve to not hurt anymore.

But you have to realize the only reason you might still be hurting is, because now you’re doing it to yourself. It’s no longer someone else causing you pain when you’re clinging to a memory. That’s on you.

You wake up alone thinking of him while he’s waking up next to someone he loves, someone he’s built a life with, someone he sees in his future.

He’s never going to suddenly choose you.

You were a nice idea and it hurts that that’s all it ever was, but you have to accept that.

You have to learn to live with the fact he didn’t choose you. That’s what it comes down to in black and white.

The hardest thing about moving on from people and relationships is understanding the reason something didn’t work out is because the other person didn’t want it to. And you can’t want something enough for the both of you to make it work.

I urge you to let go because you deserve to be happy.

There is someone out there who will make you forget him, but you have to want to get over him yourself too. You have to want to heal to have a relationship. And you’ll never have a healthy relationship with anyone if you keep holding onto this idea of what ifs and the maybes.

I know it hurts to let go. But what hurts more is watching you do this to yourself. You don’t deserve to cling to pain. But that’s what you are used to, so I understand why you do it. But the moment you let go, the moment you leave all this behind, the moment you are brave enough to realize you deserve better, you’ll get it. You just have to get out of your own way first.

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