An Almost Relationship, But You Chose Someone Else.

Most days I try not to think it about it too long.

I try to find justifications and loopholes or anything to make me feel like I’m the one who was crazy for believing in you as much as I did.

I can’t answer how long we dated. Because we didn’t.

I can’t answer how many members of my family you met because over the course of years, we met each other’s family in passing like it wasn’t a big deal at all.

I can’t answer how many weddings we went to. But all I remember is, the one I stood at alone.

But what I can answer is, did I love you? With everything I had in me and with every bit of my heart, I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.

Not having a label attached to someone I felt so strongly for, someone I continued to fight for, someone I never gave up on, someone who held my heart even when I was holding other people’s hand, didn’t make getting over it any easier.

It left my healing process blurry and uncertain of what was real and what wasn’t.

It left me laying alone at 2AM playing the what if game.

It taught me goodbyes don’t ever actually hold the weight of its definition, not when you run in circles.

I truly believed a history entitled me to your future. A future that wasn’t just an idea but one we talked about.

The word “wife” never scared me as much as it did you. Not if you were the one standing beside me. I would have been really proud to stand next to you. The future as much no one knows what it holds for any of us, I looked at you confident like you were it.

And when you are that sure of someone and you’re that confident in your feelings when they choose someone else, it almost feels like you can’t even breathe in moments you’re trying to.

Like someone has knocked the wind out of you.

I try to heal and move on and I’m met with the reality of memories I can’t seem to let go of or move on from.

A list of firsts run through my mind because you held all of them.

I didn’t need someone’s label to fall head over heels in love with you. And just because we didn’t date, it didn’t mean my heart didn’t break when you finally told me there was someone else. And not only that, but it was her who got every word I deserved to hear.

And I look at a stranger who has the life I always thought would be mine.

But it isn’t. Because you didn’t choose me. And that’s what it came down to.

Regardless of our history or how we each felt and what was real and what wasn’t. The reality was, it was never going to be me.

I remember the night it ended. Us. Whatever that “IT” was and I remember not believing you.

We had seen each other in and out of so many other relationships and we always found our way back. Everyone else was just a compilation of time to waste. But with her, it was different.

Jealousy is an ugly quality to have and not one I’m proud of.

But I look at her and I wonder what she had that I didn’t. And I’ll always compare myself and feel like I fell short. But if love was something to be won, I put up a hell of a fight.

The hardest part though about acceptance, is realizing even my most valiant effort wouldn’t have stood a chance next to her.

Because all of it comes down to a choice. And it wasn’t me. Even when I wanted it to be.

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You Let Him Come & Go So Easily.

Don’t let him so easily back into your life and your routine.

Don’t get excited when he starts texting you again and drops lines of saying all the right things.

Don’t jump into this thing and give him your time, attention, and the benefits he doesn’t deserve just because he decided, ‘now is the time I want her.’

You can tell everything about someone by the way they leave. And once they leave, let them go for good.

I’m not saying don’t forgive him or hold a grudge. Because you deserve peace of mind and you deserve an apology. And I know what it’s like to have regrets.

But sometimes an apology doesn’t change what has already happened, and sometimes people come back saying sorry because they feel guilty themselves for what they’ve done. Realize that has nothing to do with you.

Let them live with the guilt. Because you lived with the pain of them leaving. And it probably wasn’t justified or explained. The people who leave abruptly, often come back the same way.

But you deserve someone who doesn’t have to leave to realize they shouldn’t have in the first place.

You deserve someone who isn’t just good at making things up to you after the fact.

You deserve someone who is going to realize your worth. But you have to realize your own worth too and realize you don’t deserve a guy like this.

The guys that linger. The ones who come and go. You know those ones who have mastered the disappearing act only to come back with a nonchalant like or follow. Followed by that message ‘how are you?’ The ones your friends hate. And when you say, ‘guess who hit me up today?’ They already know the answer and don’t like it.

The one who tells you they miss you. They don’t. They miss the way you make them feel about themselves.

The ones who wonder if you’ve changed and test you.

The people who come and go don’t look at you as someone to respect, but a challenge.

Maybe it boosts their confidence you answered.

But the only reason someone can come back into your life is because you let them.

And honestly as nice and forgiving as you are, there are some people who don’t deserve to be let back in so easily.

Maybe you miss them too. Maybe you wonder. But you shouldn’t miss someone or wonder about anyone who isn’t sure of you.

If someone hurts you, they don’t deserve to be forgiven. If someone hurts you, they shouldn’t be let back into your life that fast.

A friend once told me, ‘don’t open doors that took so long to close.’

I know what it’s like to be happy, they came back, and I know what it’s like to think that’s some sign of fade bringing you back together.

I know what it’s like to think maybe this time it will be different. Let me save you a little time and cut you short of the disappointment. These people you run in circles with, will continue to do so as long as you let them.

The outcome is going to be exactly the same. And you’re going to be mad at yourself for falling for it again.

I also believe life gives you a bunch of little pop quizzes that will continue to come up in your life, until you pass them. All he is some test you’re failing every time you tell him it’s okay.

Because it isn’t okay to treat someone like they are an option when I know with a lot of certainties, you’ve made him a priority. That’s why he thinks he can act this way.

Sometimes sorry doesn’t give you the closure you think you need. Sometimes sorry is just a word used to make someone feel better about themselves.

Sometimes sorry starts and ends with the person looking back at you in the mirror and forgiving yourself for letting in those same people who just hurt you every time you give them another chance to do so. You don’t deserve that. And you don’t deserve the pain and disappointment that I know happens every time you let him back into your life.

Insanity is defined by doing the same thing and expecting different results.

You want something to change in your life, stop answering.

When he leaves, give a real taste of what it’s like to live without him because that’s the choice he made.

And when he comes back, try choosing yourself for a change because it’s only then you’ll get what you deserve.

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