Sometimes I Wonder.

Sometimes I wonder if we dated when you were ready even though I wasn’t?

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I trusted you sooner and didn’t test you so much?

Sometimes I wish I didn’t care about my reputation as much as I did. Because when you kissed me drunk that night, I wasn’t upset. I wanted more, I was just afraid to ask for it.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I transferred colleges like you told me to?

But I needed to know how to identify myself without you being attached to it.

What I found though, was no matter where I wen, you were under my skin and within me. The core of who I was were bits and pieces of you and the person you made me.

Sometimes I wonder if we stopped making excuses where would we be now?

Sometimes I wonder were you actually on your way or were you always going to cancel??

And was I always destined to wait?

With you, I always felt I was waiting on a platform for a train that was never going to come in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I cheated on my boyfriend that night?

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I told you I loved you when I knew?

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I fought harder?

Sometimes I wonder if things were different would I be the one on the other end of a four-sentence question, I would have said yes to instead of her??

Sometimes I wonder if we never met what would happen? Who would I love? Where would I be now?

But then I remember, everything I am is because of you.

Sometimes I wonder if I even affected you at all and if so, how??

Sometimes I wonder if it could have ever been me?

1

This Is Me Letting Go.

This is me realizing whatever we had might have been good at one time, but we aren’t those people anymore.

This is me letting go of the memories I clung to out of fear of forgetting because I know I’ll never forget you.

This is me no longer letting the past haunt me with what-ifs or maybes. Because that’s no place to live your life.

This is me really happy for you and actually meaning it because I know how rare it is to find someone. And it no longer hurts me that you did.

This is me walking away and not looking back this time. Even though there are moments I want to.

This is me letting go of thinking we could ever get it right because if we were meant to, we probably would have already.

This is me letting go of phone calls in the morning and texts at night because I need them to come from someone who will choose me and only me.

This is me realizing maybe we loved each other the best we could and maybe that’s enough.

This is me letting go of wanting, wishing, and hoping one day you’d realize what I thought was true.

This is me letting go of the idea of us because I’m beginning to realize that’s all it ever was.

This is me acknowledging the fact that what we had been real and honest. And even though it wasn’t a love that lasted, it was a love that changed me.

This is me realizing I can’t just forget someone who gave me so much to remember. but it doesn’t have to hurt anymore.

This is me moving forward instead of hoping you’d ask me to stay.

This is me letting go because I think I knew this whole time it would never end the way I wanted it to.

This is me letting go of the pain I hung on so close to because if I felt that it might have been real, but I know I don’t deserve to be at a place where I need to feel hurt just to feel alive.

I let go for good of the pain, the confusion, the drama, the history, the envy, the guilt, the blame both on you and myself.

And I’m sorry if I held it over your head longer than I should’ve.

I replace all those feeling accepting what we are and knowing what we will never be.

This is me not just forgiving you, but forgiving myself for letting this linger longer than it should have.

This is me realizing I might always love you, but it doesn’t mean I won’t love someone with that same intensity again.

This is me looking forward to that.

This is me letting go because I need something new to hold onto. I need someone to believe in again.

This is me letting go because the past isn’t anywhere to reside, when you have a future that doesn’t include me.

This is me letting you go for good because we both deserve someone we are sure of.

Today I’m finally letting go because when the right person comes into my life, I want to know my arms aren’t full of baggage from the past and open to something new.

Ready for what I deserve.

Ready for a love that’s worth it.

Choosing to heal because I should have tried a little harder sooner.

You taught me of the things I deserve, even if you couldn’t be the person to give me that.

So I want to say thank you. Because if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have known what it was like to love someone this much, and that’s why it was hard to let go.

View of a woman letting heart-shaped balloons go on the beach