This Guy Still Exists…

The type of guy who will still ask to hold your bag or carry something if it seems a little heavy.

The type of guy who takes his jacket off to put over your shoulders if you seem cold.

The type of guy who makes sure you walk on the inside of the sidewalk.

The one who opens your door.

The one who takes your jacket.

The one who pulls out your chair.

The type of guy who stands when you leave the table.

He’ll be the one that pays for tabs fully every time out of respect for you.

He’ll be the one that takes you on a real date and doesn’t just meet for a drink.

He’ll be the one that calls when he says he will.

The one who doesn’t leave you waiting too long for a text message. And if he does, it’ll come with an explanation. “I’m sorry for the delay…this is why.”

The type of guy who isn’t afraid to make first moves, but also respects you enough to not expect anything from you too soon.

The one who knows the importance of waiting.

Someone who is content with your company and the fact you took time out of your day to spend with him.

He’ll be the one that listens more than he speaks and remembers the things you say.

The type of guy who isn’t afraid to meet your father.
Because he wants you to meet his.

The type of guy who will go to great lengths to make you happy and make your life easier.

He’ll be the one you know you can rely on.

The one who meets you halfway with effort, emotions and affection.

The type of guy who doesn’t leave you in the dark about what he’s feelings.

Because real men don’t want you ever wondering about how you fit in their life.

Because as much as you are thinking about him, he’s thinking about you too.

The type of guy who stays up just to make sure you got home safely.

And will drive out of his way just to be the one to take you home.

The type who has you standing next to him and he’s the one who feels like the luckiest guy in the world.

The type of guy who wants to show you off to his friends.

The one who shamelessly kisses you on a busy street because he can’t take it anymore.

The one who calls you up just to talk, even though your parents are the only ones you talk to on the phone.

He likes just hearing your voice.

The type of guy who would drive hours just to see you for a short while because he missed you.

The one who doesn’t try and change you. But through his love you become a better version of yourself.

And with him by your side, you want to achieve more with him than you ever could alone.

He’s the one who holds your happiest days. Your best moments. Your loudest laugh.

The type of guy who takes the time to know you to the core of who you are.

He learns about your past because he sees you in his future.

You look at each other across the room and it doesn’t matter who else is there because he’s the only one that matters.

He’ll be the one who keeps his word. Because his word is his bond and disappointing you is the last thing he ever wants to do.

He’ll be the one who heals you and never causes you pain.

The type of guy who teaches you fights don’t mean something is about to end, but what it actually means to work through it and be each other’s rock.

The type of guy who knows when to apologize and that saying sorry isn’t a sign of weakness.

The type of guy who sends flowers to your office with a note that says “I love you.” And it makes your day just a little better.

He’s the company you look forward to after a long day.

The one lying next to you and you sleep just a little better at night knowing he’s there.

You look in his eyes and you see a future you look forward to.

Because every day of your life with him, is the best day.

And every love song suddenly starts to make sense.

He’s the type of guy who will tell you he loves you, but they aren’t just three word mumbled in his sleep. He shows you what love actually is and wants to be the standard that no one in your past can even compete with.

You look at him and know if it was a competition, he’d win with a landslide, but you met him and forgot about everyone else you thought mattered.

The type of guy who works to earn your love and trust. And once he gets it, he doesn’t stop, he just continues to prove that he deserves you.

He puts you on this pedestal because just as you think he’s the best thing that’s happened in your life, he knows you’re the best thing he’s ever had in his.

The type of guy who comes into your life and you know without question or doubt this is what you’ve been waiting for.

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Settling In Love.

1. If you’re always the one starting conversation and keeping it going, you’re settling in love.

2. If you’re always the one making plans that he seems to cancel last-minute, you’re settling in love.

3. If you’re meeting him more than halfway and he lets you every time, you’re settling in love.

4. If he leaves you even a little bit anxious it’s because you don’t trust him, and you’re settling in love.

5. If you find yourself worrying about what you’ll say, you’re settling in love.

6. If you’re afraid of making the wrong move that everything you say and do you are proceeding with caution, you’re settling in love.

7. If he hurts you and lets you down more than he makes you happy, you’re settling in love.

8. If you’re afraid you’ll lose him, he probably isn’t yours to keep because any right person would never make you feel that way, and you’re settling in love.

9. If he doesn’t want to introduce you to his friends and family, you’re settling in love.

10. If he plays the what if and the maybe game holding tight to one day that never seems to become a reality, you’re settling in love.

11. If he hooks up with you but doesn’t want a label, you’re settling in love.

12. If he only ever talks to you late at night or when he’s drunk, you’re settling in love.

13. If it appears he cares only through social media of likes on instagram and snapchat views and conversations you each forget, you’re settling in love.

14. If he only ever wants to meet for drinks and doesn’t take you on a real date, you’re settling in love.

15. If you’re afraid to ask for something more because you know he’ll come up with some excuse as to why things are fine the way they are, you’re settling in love.

16. If your friends don’t like him there is probably a reason, because you’re settling for less than you deserve.

17. If you’re afraid your parents won’t approve, it’s because they won’t, and your settling in love.

18. If he’s keeping you some secret, you’re settling in love.

19. If you have to wonder how he feels and what place you have in his life, you’re settling in love.

20. If you are saying I love you in hopes it’ll make him stay, you’re settling in love.

21. If he’s using you emotionally or physically, you’re settling in love.

22. If he’s become more of a habit you can’t break as oppose to someone who adds quality to your life, you are settling in love.

23. If he hurts you. Disrespects you. Makes you cry or question your self-worth, you’re settling in love.

24. If he’s said sorry one too many times, you’re settling in love.

25. If he gives and takes love and makes you feel like it’s something you have to earn, you’re settling in love.

26. If you love him in only moments instead of fully it’s because you know there is a side to him not good for you, you’re settling in love.

27. If you love the idea of what you could be one day and fall for false promises, you aren’t looking at the reality of the relationship, and you’re settling in love.

28. If the thought of walking away breaks you to the point you can’t function without him, depending on him isn’t something that you should seek in someone else, you’re settling in love.

29. If you know in your heart you deserve better, then go for it. Because you don’t deserve someone’s half hearted love. You don’t deserve the bits and pieces of what someone can give. You don’t deserve to associate love with pain and heartbreak.

30. You settle in love because you haven’t figured out how to love yourself first. And that’s okay. But you’ll never find the love you deserve giving away your heart to those who aren’t worthy of it. You’ll never find the love you’re seeking when you continue to go back to these men that broke you in hopes they’ll be the one who put you back together.

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We Are Girls With Anxiety.

The type that experiences emotional exhaustion we can’t even explain because we spend so much time thinking, planning, over thinking, apologizing, and replaying scenarios in our minds wondering about different outcomes.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type that has calendars booked and appointments set months in advance. The type who has everything color coded and organized and on some list that we always seem to accomplish even if it means losing sleep to get whatever we need done. We’d rather do that than ever disappoint anyone or disappoint ourselves. The type that never says no to people. The type that is always on time or speeding to get there as we are cursing at red lights under our breath.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type that stays up at night and doesn’t sleep more than 5-6 hours because our minds never stop racing. We replay the past like it’s some catchy tune that gets stuck in our head and we can’t stop. Fixated upon the past and people we might have wronged, wishing we could say sorry even if it wasn’t entirely our fault.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type that ruins relationships before they can even begin, because we are so afraid of getting hurt again or led on and messed with. Maybe we manifest our fears to become reality. Because we worry so much. We are the types who are so careful with everything we do and say, like a single wrong text could ruin a potential relationship. The girls who sit by their phone waiting for a response and that minor delay kills us inside. We answer quickly no matter what because that’s just what we do. We don’t play hard to get, because that’s not how we operate.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type that questions how someone feels. The type that needs reassurance even though that comes across as needy. We manage our expectations by trying to not get excited about a date because we know they can cancel last-minute but at the same time, we are looking forward to it.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type that spends way too much time thinking why something ended and was it our fault. Replaying everything. Maybe we came on too strong. Because girls with anxiety, take complete ownership of everything, even if it’s not ours to claim.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type that tries a little too hard sometimes. Cares a little too much. Has every best intention, but is still figuring out how to express that clearly. We fixate upon flaws we wish we could change only to realize this thing is with us and probably has been for a while now.

We are girls with anxiety.

We strive for perfection, beating ourselves up every time we fall short. The Overachievers. The goodie goodies. The one who always excelled in things and everyone said we made it look easy. Little did they know how hard we were on ourselves. How much sleep we lost to achieve these things.

Our self-worth is defined by our accomplishments and if we aren’t excelling or coming in first, we consider that a failure. We associate happiness with achievement. But there’s this taunting voice that tells us we are bound to fail and lose everything we have. Then that fear triggers procrastination and we add more stress to our lives doing things last-minute.

We are girls with anxiety.

Wanting only to be liked and accepted, even though we struggle greatly to find that within ourselves. We play it cool in a social setting but under the surface, we wonder if what we said was stupid. We wonder if everyone is staring at us or is it just in our head. We wonder if anyone even wants us here.

We are girls with anxiety.

Thinking we have to overcompensate to get people to like us so we try really hard and go over the top for people we care about, because sometimes we wonder if being ourselves is enough and if that’s okay.

We are girls with anxiety.

Triggered by the fear of people leaving. Because when they do, we always fall apart. Whether it’s friends or relationships we wonder why didn’t they stay? Why didn’t they care enough to? What could I have done? And what can I still do to fix this?

We are girls with anxiety.

Fixing things that aren’t even real problems anywhere else but in our head.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type who enjoys drinking once in a while but worries we’ll overdo it saying slurred words we regret. We wake up reliving the night before swearing the drunk version of who we are is going to be what makes us lose all of our friends.

It’s the moral hung over that’s worse than the actual one. In the moment we swear we’re fine because being drunk is the closest we come to living without anxiety. But eventually that fades away, and it’s back to the reality.

We are girls with anxiety.

The ones who need things overexplained. The ones who sometimes need proof of what you’re saying. Not because we don’t trust you, but anxiety makes us believe we can’t. Needing someone who is going to be two steps ahead of the thoughts we have and not be angry with us when we ask questions.

We are girls with anxiety.

Ones who struggling with communicating things, but try so hard to say everything so clearly. Most conversations will start with an apology. Something we thought long about. Needing someone who knows how to bring us down in moments we start spiraling. Someone who knows exactly what to say and do to calm us down.

We are girls with anxiety.

The ones who make up scenarios in our mind just so we are prepared with how we should respond just in case. The ones who anticipate endings just so we are not surprised. The ones who expect the worst of everyone and everything and still strive to give our best.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type who lacks confidence in basic decisions because we think too much about them. Struggle to find a balance of acceptance within us. We are our own worst enemies and harshest critics.

We are girls with anxiety.

Overcome with irrational fears that almost bring us to our knees if we think about it too much. The type of girls who wonder too much if we locked the door or turned off the oven, and we can’t rest until we know the things that need to be taken care of are.

We are girls with anxiety.

We think about the future. We dwell in the past and struggle to live in the moment. And we hate ourselves for living like that.

We are girls with anxiety.

The type who wants to control everything because this part of our lives feels so outside our control. Honestly, we don’t trust too many people to do something right, so we take it upon ourselves.

Then things don’t go according to our plan or someone isn’t on time, our heart races a little quickly. We do a double a take looking at our watch. We uncontrollably break down because all we want are things to go right according to this plan we have in our mind. And even though nothing ever goes as planned, we still try.

We are girls with anxiety.

And the root of these feelings is just simply caring. We never want to hurt someone’s feelings or disappointment them or do anything that makes anyone else uncomfortable or unhappy. So we try. We try entirely too hard and feel everything entirely too deeply. We watch a little too close to the things people say and how they act. We pick up on the smallest of signs that something might change. We hate change, but we do our best to roll with the punches.

We are girls with anxiety.

Whose favorite word is ‘I’m sorry.’

And as we struggle to accept this part of ourselves, we’re in awe of those who love us unconditionally in the moments we think we’re unlovable and being completely irrational.

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Walking Away From A Toxic Relationship.

First off I want you to know how proud I am of you. And I know how hard it must have been to walk away.

The hardest part isn’t moving on, it’s going to be staying moved on and finally recovering. Forgiving both yourself and someone who might never say sorry. And even though you might never get the apology you deserve, it doesn’t mean you can’t heal.

These relationships are about cycles of coming and going. And I’m sure there are times in the past where you almost mustered the strength to leave, but something brought you back.

Maybe he promised he would change.

Maybe he blamed you for all of it and you believed him.

Maybe there were threats involved and you felt you had to come back.

Maybe you really did love him at some point and you’re not sure how he even became this monster.

The thing about toxic relationships is they function because of dependency and control.

Walking away is the best and bravest step you can take from gaining back control in your life because I don’t care what he told you or the things he said like ‘you need him.’ You don’t. You don’t need someone who has to tear you down to make themselves bigger. Every mean thing he’s ever said about you isn’t true.

When he told you, you were unloveable and no one will ever take care of you like he does, tell him to go fuck himself. Because he didn’t take care of you, he controlled you and there’s a huge difference there.

Walking away is the first step to learning how to take care of yourself. And that’s the step he never wanted you to take.

He was afraid you’d realize your worth and value because once you did that, you wouldn’t need him or have room for him in this new life you created for yourself. And the person you’ll become and the one you’re trying to be is the same one he tried to ruin. The same one he swore he loved you at first.

Manipulation isn’t love.

How dare he be the one to try to ruin someone so wonderful, but he didn’t succeed. Because the person you became as a result of this relationship is someone who is kinder. Someone who is more compassionate. Someone who loves harder than anyone knows how to simply because the love you deserved, was denied to you. You are someone who understands the silence of strangers. Someone who meets others pain with compassion. Someone who deserves the most life has to offer you. Most of all you are is someone who doesn’t need him in your life.

You don’t need someone who treats you like property. You don’t need someone who doesn’t have respect for you just because he doesn’t have it for himself. Any person who has self-respect, doesn’t treat people unkindly or bad, and sure as hell doesn’t abuse them.

You deserve someone who values you. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally. You deserve someone who looks at you like you’re the best thing that has ever happened to them. And I’m so sorry he didn’t treat you the way you deserved.

Someone’s inability to love you isn’t a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them. Your value doesn’t decrease simply because he couldn’t see your worth. Because the truth is, everyone else around you does.

He told you that you were the weak one, but he’s weak for needing someone to control.

I know he broke you down to a point where you can’t even look at your reflection with self-love and self-worth. And I know you think you’re too blame. He made you feel like it was your fault. Like the way he treated you was the effect of something you caused. But you aren’t to blame for any of this and it isn’t your responsibility to take ownership of the way someone else treats you.

The emotional toll it takes on anyone being in a relationship like that leads to a lot of horrible mental issues that wouldn’t have come to be had you not encountered someone like him. So before you go blaming yourself for the depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and actions in your life, realize that could have happened to anyone had they been surrounded by someone like him.

I know it feels like he ruined you. But the way I see it, it’s just the beginning for you. Because this relationship made you a better person.

You didn’t deserve to endure what you did. The physical, emotional, mental abuse but coming out of this on the other side, shows an unwavering strength within you that not many people possess.

So I say again, I’m proud of you. Because you’ve been through hell and back and the good thing about that is, that’s the worst of it. Everything moving forward will be easy now.

And there are going to be moments where he tries to lure you back, you have to realize it was him who needed you this whole time.

The next step is forgiving yourself for the person you were, the person who allowed and tolerated that abuse longer than you should have. But you aren’t her anymore.

You are better. You are stronger. The version of yourself you’ve always deserved to be. And becoming that person isn’t going to happen overnight. But if you just take it one step at a time forward, when you look back, you’ll smile at how far you’ve come and you’ll never go back.

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When You’re Sorry & Want A Second Chance.

I asked you why you came back and you said it’s because you’re sorry.

I’ve heard that word too many times and I always hear it too late.

I wonder are you actually sorry for what you did or just guilty??

I’ve learned people come back often just to clear their conscious.

I just hate that it has to get to that point.

I’ll always be the first to forgive probably because I blamed myself in the first place.

Even though I took ownership of things that weren’t mine to claim.

Leaving without an explanation.

The relationship ended without a goodbye.

Ghosting and the fade out.

Because when someone treats you well and is kind and doesn’t do anything wrong and suddenly you lose interest, because maybe I was too easy to read.

You knew exactly how I felt and I didn’t make it complicated.

Like confusion is the new art of attraction and love is foreign to so many.

As we pine after likes looking for validation.

When you lose interest in girls like me you can’t explain why.

You don’t want to hurt our feelings.

And most the time you don’t know why yourself.

Something changed, whether it was my fault or not.

But boys tend to avoid awkward conversations.

Rejection without explanation.

Allow silence to speak loudest.

As girls like me stare at our phones like we’ve done something wrong.

And we analyze ourselves thinking we’re to blame.

When in reality, we deserve an explanation.

So we move on without closure.

And learn to forgive ourselves for letting someone too close again.

We get a follow after being unfollowed.

We get a notification of a like.

We get a message.

A text.

A call.

An apology that doesn’t change what happened.

But here we go again.

Forgiving too quickly.

Because grudges are not our forte.

Falling too fast.

Because no matter how many times we get hurt we seem to never stop loving.

Hoping and praying that this time it might be different.

All I ask is if you come back, please make it for the right reasons.

If you say ‘I’m sorry,’ please show me you are.

If you tell me you care, let’s not make it for the night.

If you think of me and start to miss me, I hope you miss who I am, not what I am as a woman.

If you want me for the wrong reasons, please use someone else.

Because I don’t have much left in me.

And I can’t handle being hurt and disappointed again.

It isn’t just you.

It’s everyone like you.

Maybe that’s made me jaded.

Maybe that’s made me skeptical.

But you have to understand how hard it is.

I wear my heart on my sleeve so carelessly.

In a world that constantly proves I shouldn’t.

I wear long sleeves.

Hiding my wrists.

Constantly pulling at my sleeves.

Hoping no one sees.

Because all it ever does is end badly.

I’m not mad at you, so you don’t have to say sorry.

Don’t waste my time with an explanation just because.

I’ll listen to you apologize if you feel you must.

Even though I’ve heard it before.

But if it’s a second chance you want.

I’ll give it to you.

But please don’t make me regret it.

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I Want A Love That Stays.

If there is one thing 2018 has taught me about love and relationships, it’s how much my heart can endure every time it broke.

Every time I got let down.

Every time I got disappointed.

Every time something ended that I thought would be different.

In 2018, I said I love you for the first time in a while and I meant it. Only I didn’t hear it back.

I laid next to a lot of people at night hoping and praying this would be something more.

But it never was.

Every prospect was some false lead.

And every road I walked on cautiously led to some dead-end.

Every word they said that sounded nice turned out to be a lie.

And every time I followed their lead, I was made to be the fool.

Falling for people who lead me on is like leading a horse to water and being surprised when I drank it.

My heart broke this year worse than it had before.

Only I was expected to just get over it.

If 2018 taught me anything, it’s to be more cautious with matters of the heart.

To not believe everything they say.

Because guys will tell you anything you want to hear.

I learned to judge people more by what they do or rather didn’t do.

In 2018 I spent way too much time accepting apologies that never came.

Holding onto people who didn’t care if I let go.

In 2018 I realized how quickly people leave when I stopped trying so hard.

I’m not desperately looking for love.

I don’t even have apps on my phone.

I even stopped dating for a really long time because I thought maybe that would be better.

I just want to meet someone who is honest.

I just want to meet someone who cares.

I just want to meet someone who is as tired of dating games as I am.

I want to meet someone who isn’t using me to get over someone else.

I want to meet someone who I’m not just drinking with.

I don’t think it’s demanding much to want something real.

The relationships that are more than just something physical.

The guys who aren’t using me emotionally because they know I’ll answer every time.

In 2019 I just want someone who stays.

Someone who is willing to put in as much effort as I do.

Someone I can introduce my friends and family to who isn’t afraid of that step.

Someone who will be there on holidays or big days in my life.

Someone who cares enough to fit me into their life even though we’re both busy with our own.

Someone who cares enough to show up when I need them.

If 2018 has taught me anything, it’s to not rely too heavily on anyone because at any point they can leave.

But there are moments I’m tired of being so strong alone.

I don’t think it’s weak to admit I want someone.

Because I’m not lonely.

I’m proud of the life I’ve created for myself. But there are moments it would be nice to share that with someone.

Want someone to share in my success.

Hold me in moments of failure.

Tell me it’s okay.

In 2019 I hope I meet someone who doesn’t leave me confused or in the dark about how they feel.

But is worthy of the things I feel for them.

I’m not asking for some grand love, just someone to make me believe in it again.

Someone who makes me trust it again.

Someone who makes me realize why every relationship ended the way it did.

Someone that makes me realize the right relationship wasn’t far away.

Because with everything that happened in 2018, has me wondering what the hell am I doing wrong here?

I need to believe in love again.

I need to have faith in someone.

Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned even when you’re the best version of yourself, doing extremely well there are things I can’t achieve, versions of myself I can’t be without the love of someone else.

Dear 2019,
I don’t look back at 2018 negatively. Alone it was one of my best years.

But if 2019 has anything in store for me, I hope it’s a love that stays.

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Date The Girl Who Loves Dogs.

Date the girl who loves dogs.

The one who stops you dead in your tracks because one walked by and she wants to pet them.

The one who already knows the breed even if it’s a mix.

Date the girl who loves dogs. The one who forces you to volunteer or go to charity events for the cause. Because she knows the importance of giving back and serving your time to a cause greater than yourself.

The one who gets worked up over the fact shelter dogs get killed sometimes.

The one who gets worked up over the fact Puppy Mills exist and she knows a lot about them.

The one who sees a stray dog and wants to take it home and take care of it until they are returned to their owners.

The one who drags you to shelters on the weekend or pet stores just to see them.

Date the girl who loves dogs and cares enough to want to save all of them.

The one whose Facebook page is filled with puppy videos. Because puppies make everyone happy. And girls who love dogs are just happier people.

The girl who loves dogs has an honest heart you’ll fall in love with. A heart they probably wear on their sleeve most the time.

They are a little more compassionate and caring than most people. They have a level of empathy that’s just a little deeper.

She shows empathy at a level most people can’t. And when you’re going through something she’ll be your rock. Even though it might not be her going through it, you won’t feel alone with her by your side because everything you feel she does too.

Date the girl who loves dogs because she knows the important things in life aren’t about success and money, but relationships, connections, and unconditional love.

She’s not the girl who is going to care what you do and if there’s some fancy title attached to it, she’s going to care about why you do it.

She’s not the girl who is going to care that you’re involved in charity, she’s going to ask you ‘why did you choose that one?’

She’s not the girl who wants expensive gifts at Christmas or to be showered with things, but cares about your time and attention. She’d rather you two do something together than you get her something at all.

Date the girl who loves dogs because you can trust her. You’ll find yourself up late at night telling her things you’ve never said out loud. Feeling through emotions you repressed, and she won’t judge you for any of it. She’ll laugh when you laugh. She’ll cry when you cry. She’ll help you to feel everything.

Date the girl who loves dogs because she knows communication is so much more than the things you say, but the things you do. She’ll watch your body language closely. She’ll watch how you respond to things. She’ll pick up on the smallest of cues you might not even realize.

She’ll follow her intuition and if something feels wrong, she’ll address it head-on. She won’t repress her feelings or keep them bottled up. Because she can’t do that sort of thing if she tried.

Date the girl who loves dogs because she’s a little more fun than most and finds joy in the simplest things life has to offer.

And you’ll watch yourself fall in love with everything about her.

And if there’s one thing you’re sure of it’s that with having her in your future comes with a lot of dogs, she’ll probably bring home to care for. And you smile because it’s okay. Even if you weren’t a dog person before her, you learned to be.

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