Be The Exception She Deserves.

Girlfriend Material.

1. Someone who makes him wait.

In cards, you don’t play your best card right off the bat. You wait for someone else’s move and gauge what you’ll do based on that. As much as we all just want a good healthy relationship to happen by giving our best, it’s about being a bit coy in the beginning.

It’s about respecting yourself enough to hold off how much you invest and when. If you invest too much too soon, he’s going to think you act this way with everyone, therefore he’ll lose a little respect for you. If he loses respect for you, you’ll lose a little bit of your appeal.

You might have a lot of great qualities and things to offer someone, but knowing when to show those parts of yourself is important.

If you answer quickly every time and you respond with yes, he’s going to think he can text you whenever and you’ll drop what you’re doing for him.

But if you wait and challenge him a bit, he’s going to wonder who you are with and he’s going to want you more because you aren’t with him.

These little games do end, just in the beginning keep a little bit of mystery to it.

2. Someone who respects themselves.

The beginning of a relationship sets the foundation for which everything else is built on. That’s why it’s so important to have a good relationship with yourself. That’s why it’s so important to have self-respect. How you treat yourself reflects how he’ll treat you.

And what you tolerate will be what continues.

People wonder why someone doesn’t treat you well or respect you, it’s because in the beginning you let something slide or you didn’t walk away when he disrespected you or tell him you didn’t like that.

When it comes to sex and waiting…

If you put out immediately, he’ll no longer wonder what it could be like. Sex isn’t the most important thing, but what is important is when you have it and why. The longer you build an emotional connection, the better the sex will be.

If you are sleeping with him quickly it sets the tone for casual and if you don’t want a casual relationship, don’t do things that make him think that.

Value yourself enough to not allow this relationship to be just another physical one on a list of names you forget because you jumped too quickly into it.

3. Someone who challenges him. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

Don’t be a pushover. Don’t do things just to appease him. Don’t be easy-going just because you are nice and want him to like you. It isn’t just about him liking you, it’s about you figuring out if he’s worth investing emotion into.

You have to challenge him a bit and test him to see if he’s someone worth it.

What is appealing is someone who isn’t afraid to tell him when he’s wrong or put him in his place. You don’t have to be mean or cocky. Just be confident in yourself with or without him. It’s that confidence that will make you more attractive.

Mentally

Games end once you have him. But to get there, you can’t be so easy to read.

We are all programmed to be a little more attracted to the person who keeps us on our toes, even if we don’t want to admit it.

Emotionally.

When you aren’t afraid to be vulnerable and show him how you feel. But it’s important he earns that trust and you don’t just trust him right off the bat. Giving too much too soon emotionally, will make him nervous and he’ll leave.

Physically.

Whether it’s physically in the relationship and what happens behind closed doors or physically pushing him to do something he’s never done before because it’s interesting to you.

None of us want someone who is exactly like us. We want someone who is going to push us out of our comfort zone.

4. Someone who is intelligent.

When you are intelligent, it’s attractive.

When you know your shit about a certain subject, it’s attractive.

When you are passionate about things, it’s attractive.

When want to learn and strive to improve, it’s attractive. Ask questions when you don’t know something and make sure you listen to the answers.

The best relationships will be the ones where you learn from each other.

When you are ambitious, it’s attractive.

When you know where you are going and how you are going to get there, it’s attractive.

5. Someone who takes the time to listen.

Listen more than you speak and spend less time thinking about what you are going to say next.

Make a note if you remember what he said. Actively listen and remember the things he tells you. Because you want him to remember things too.

Actively listening shows you have not just self-respect, but respect for him.

Make a point to really remember the things he likes and what he doesn’t. When you remember little details weeks and months down the line, that makes you stand out.

6. Someone who can hold their own.

If he can bring you to an event and he doesn’t have to stand by your side the whole time, that’s important. If you can hold a conversation and you’re one less thing he’s going to have to worry about that night, he’s going to want you around more.

If he can bring you to a family or friend function and you make a point to really get to know the people he cares about, he’s going to make a note of that.

Confidence is key in these situations and even you are nervous, pretend you aren’t.

7. Someone who can teach him without belittling him.

If he doesn’t know something you know, don’t make him feel bad about that. Any relationship is about learning and building each other up. But sometimes people are insecure and instead of helping someone to learn, they bask in the fact they knew something the other person didn’t.

8. Someone who is honest with him.

There will never be a relationship if he can’t trust you or you can’t trust him. People hide things when they feel guilty about something. People hide things thinking they are protecting someone else’s feelings but in reality, it’s childish and sneaky.

Honesty even when it hurts is key.

Tell him you ran into your ex. Tell him so and so hit you up. If he’s confident in you, then nothing will shake that. But if you sneak around and hide things and he finds out, the conversation then changes to, ‘Why did you lie to me and what are you hiding?’ That’s a fight and a conversation you can easily avoid.

9. Someone who supports him.

There are enough people in the world who are going to doubt him, question him and tell him he’s going to fail. He doesn’t need you to be one of those people too. He needs you to be in his corner. He needs your confidence when he’s doubtful. He needs your strength in moments he feels weak.

Support him, his ideas and goals, and amazing things happen when you believe in him.

When he achieves everything he wants, what he’s going to remember are the long days and nights when you had faith in him when no one else did.

10. Someone who thinks for themselves.

Don’t be swayed so easily by his opinion. He doesn’t want that. He wants you to have your own opinions, thoughts, and perspective. He wants someone who is going to make him see something differently. That’s how you grow and learn together.

11. Someone who takes care of themselves.

Financially.

Having a job, is attractive. Saving money and having a plan, is attractive. Paying your bills, is attractive. Someone who has goals in the future and doesn’t live for today, is attractive. Having your life in order, is attractive.

Emotionally.

It’s nice to want to help others but you have to help yourself if you want to give someone else your best. When you take care of someone else in hopes of filling some emotional void, you’ll always feel empty and alone. Take care of yourself emotionally because you will never have a healthy relationship if your emotional wellbeing relies on your relationship status.

Mentally.

Never stop learning. Never stop trying. Never stop wanting to be better. When you challenge yourself mentally, you’ll attract someone who cares about making those same type of strides.

Physically.

When you love yourself it shows. When you are insecure that shows too. Workout not as punishment but because you deserve to be happy and healthy and your best self. And when you get there, you are going to attract someone who is attracted to your outer beauty then falls in love with your inner beauty.

Looks aren’t the most important thing but being the best version of yourself is, however, you define that.

Don’t lose weight to be in a relationship. Don’t change because you think that will be some major factor. Just strive to be your happiest, healthiest self then watch how your life changes when you become more confident in the person looking back at you in the mirror.

12. Someone who looks towards the future and doesn’t dwell in the past.

If you are constantly worried because of bad relationships and how they ended in the past, it’s going to impact your relationship currently or the relationship that hasn’t happened yet.

Everyone has gotten hurt in the past. Including him. The pain you feel is no different even if you’ve gotten hurt more.

The difference is in how we all carry it and how we feel about it.

A lot of people have trust issues. And sometimes we attract the very thing we claim to fear because instead of looking at this new person as someone who could be part of a healthy relationship, you’re paranoid and thinking of every way you are going to get hurt. Sometimes we project that same outcome we fear.

If you suddenly start telling him everything wrong that happened and how you got hurt and how you’re still healing, whether you intend to or not, you’re adding pressure to him and making someone feel like you are corning him to act a certain way, that will make him retreat.

If he thinks he’s responsible for healing you, that’s going to feel like a lot. Instead just let things flow naturally.

There’s going to be a time to tell him about your past and when that time comes and you trust him, you might not even want to talk about it anymore because you realize he matters right now and what doesn’t is everyone else before him.

13. Someone who doesn’t speak badly of others.

He’s paying attention to how you speak of others. Because those things matter. The energy you put out there, the things you say, it all reflects what you attract or repel.

If he’s someone you like and someone you want to build a future with, be sure to be very aware of how you talk about others and the things you say. A healthy relationship is one where two people will talk more about things and less about people around them.

Who you date reflects who you become in part and he’ll never want to be with someone and commit if this person has negative qualities that won’t make him progress as a person.

It’s about meeting someone and that person pushing you to become someone you can’t be alone. But in order to get there, you have to be able to stand alone on a solid ground without needing a relationship to fulfill you.

We all want that life-changing love that makes us believe in something again. But to get there, it starts with improving the relationship we have with ourself.

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Change Is Good.

You feel lost not because you are, but because you continue to look at others and where they are and compare it to you.

You feel lonely not because you don’t have friends, but because you’re sitting home alone looking at everyone’s instagram stories and posts and you are the one determining that their life is better than yours.

You feel unaccomplished not because you are, but because instead of looking at all the things you’ve done, you’ve shifted your focus on the things you haven’t done yet or are too afraid to do.

You feel sad because you have acknowledged that happiness isn’t a destination but a state of being that will come and go. And instead of looking ahead at your next moment of happiness, you are looking behind and building the past up to something it wasn’t.

Let go of it all and learn to focus on where you are right now, not where you were. Because there is no going back. There’s no recreating a memory. Value what was without placing so much emphasis on what isn’t anymore.

You feel unloved not because of your relationship status, but because you haven’t figured out how to love and appreciate yourself first.

You haven’t sat down with yourself alone to eat, thin, or do something by yourself because you are focused more on what people will think of you when you are doing it.

You are surrounded by company, but you feel like you’re in a room all alone because just maybe you are in the wrong room with the wrong people who aren’t building you up the way you deserve. And that’s the loneliest feeling of all.

You feel empty because you put everyone else’s needs before your own and then they walk away with all you’ve given them. But the thing is, they didn’t ask for you to do that. You haven’t mastered giving to yourself first.

You feel nothing sometimes not because you are cold but because you are so afraid to feel anything deeply at all, that you repress those feelings all together as if feeling pain and sadness is wrong and you shouldn’t. As if letting yourself be happy is wrong.

It feels wrong because it’s unfamiliar. And it feels unfamiliar because you’re settling. And you are settling because you are afraid. And you are afraid because if you do attain happiness and fulfillment, you fear losing it.

You feel like you’ve failed not because of a grade or some rejection letter but because instead of looking at those things as a sign to learn something, you are placing worth in places it shouldn’t be.

Take those moments of defeat and try to find the lesson in them.

You feel tired and it has nothing to do with your sleeping pattern, but emotionally you aren’t taking care of yourself.

You are hungry not physically. But mentally and emotionally you want something more than what you have, but something is holding you back from achieving it.

Fear.

You don’t like the person looking back at you in the mirror not because you need to workout more or lose weight, but you are attaching happiness and fulfillment to something concrete.

You don’t need to change physically, but mentally. You want to change anything in your life you have to first accept what you have right now and value it.

When you live with the mindset of, I’ll be happy when… you move out, you leave this town, you get that job, you will never truly be happy because you haven’t learned how to appreciate this moment right now.

Appreciation and gratitude are the keys to being happy.

You feel unfulfilled not because of what you are doing but because of what you aren’t doing. You aren’t pursuing that dream. You aren’t quitting that job you hate. You aren’t going after that thing that keeps you up at night.

Happiness comes down to a few things:

1. Finding your passion, something you are proud of, something that makes you want to wake up in the morning.

2. Finding the courage to let go of the things and people who make you unhappy.

So much of our own happiness comes down to the things we do, the things we are afraid to do. The excuses we make of why we can’t do that. And focusing more on what we don’t have rather than the things we do.

You look at someone else who appears to have the life you want, instead of admiring that they have it you are overcome with envy. That apartment. That relationship. That job. That item. Instead of being happy for them, you wonder why can’t I have those things too? Here’s the secret. You can.

The law of attraction works like a boomerang if there is something you want that you don’t have, take a look at the way you view people who have those things.

If you are overcome with negative emotions when those things present themselves in your life, you’ll never attract what it is you want and desire.

When you allow envy and play the comparing game you’re putting yourself in a competition that you are always going to lose because that other person isn’t thinking about where someone else is, that other person is thinking about what their next move is.

So while you are busy watching the steps they take, they are moving forward and making the strides you are jealous of or too scared to.

So much of our happiness has to do with how we handle ourselves. It’s not easy to take a hard look at ourselves and pick apart what needs to change. It’s even harder to make that change. But if you are at a place in your life where you are feeling all these things, taking the first step is vital.

We all deserve happiness and fulfillment, but sometimes what is holding us back is ourselves.

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Alpha Females.

1. She doesn’t wait by her phone.

Whether he calls her or not it doesn’t affect her life. She’d like to hear from him but she doesn’t need to hear from him to be happy.

2. She isn’t easy to read or always available.

She keeps him on his toes because she knows in the beginning even if she hates games she doesn’t want to lose.

3. She established right off the bat what she will tolerate and what she won’t.

She won’t tolerate disrespect or unkindness. And if you treat her that way she won’t try and prove she deserves something different, she’ll just stop associating with you because she knows how someone treats another person reflects how they feel about themselves.

4. She doesn’t accept excuses.

She’s not going to give you a second chance to hurt her or let her down.

5. She doesn’t overthink situations.

She’s confident. And confidence has no room for doubt.

6. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her.

She’s built herself up in such a way that other people’s opinions don’t matter, if she’s okay with the person she is and the choices she makes.

7. She’s built a life she’s proud of.

She genuinely loves every part of her life and is happy with it.

8. She doesn’t try too hard.

She impresses people without trying much at all. Because she isn’t worried about them, she’s focused on herself.

9. She isn’t easy.

She knows she has more to offer a man than sex.

10. She’s authentic.

She doesn’t try to be like everyone else or like the same things they do. She beats to her own drum and that attracts people to her. She’s not someone you so easily forget.

11. She doesn’t gossip.

She knows it’s more important to talk about things than people because talking about others shows you’re insecure about yourself, and she isn’t insecure.

12. She takes care of herself.

Mentally. She pulls back and does her own thing when she needs to.

Physically. She wants to look good to reflect how she feels.

Emotionally. She wants the right relationship, not just any relationship.

What is attractive is she doesn’t need a guy. She doesn’t need someone to take care of her financially. She doesn’t need a guy to make her feel better about herself. She doesn’t need to guy because she isn’t lonely. A relationship will add to the life she’s already built.

13. She isn’t competitive.

She walks into the room not with her nose in the air thinking she’s better. She walks into a room not comparing herself to anyone in the first place. And any guy who tries to pin her against someone else, she walks away because that’s not even a battle worth her time and attention and with that attitude, she’s won.

14. She dates. She doesn’t hang out.

She knows dating isn’t old fashion and chivalry isn’t dead. She demands those things. She doesn’t answer booty calls or meet up just because someone suggested it. She probably won’t even answer if you try to text her too late.

15. She isn’t looking for a relationship.

She knows the more you look the more you are looking to settle. And she’ll never settle.

16. She does relationships, not casual ones.

You’ll never find this girl in almost relationships or waiting around for someone to commit. She chooses people who want her and only her.

17. She controls her emotions.

Regardless of how he may act and even when she wants to lose her shit, she’s never going to come across as that crazy person. She handles herself with grace and self-respect and if there is an issue, she addresses it and talks it out and finds a solution.

18. She leaves him wanting more.

She knows exactly how much to give and when to walk away leaving him wanting more. And when she does, it’s him who is at her whim and her who is in control.

19. She never once questions how he feels about her.

The question never is does he like her, but why wouldn’t he like her? And that confidence, that little bit of cockiness, is what carries her and that’s exactly how she gets a relationship.

20. She’s happy.

The greatest difference between the girls who are in relationships and the girls who envy those who are in one, realizes her own happiness is within her control and it has nothing to do with a relationship status.

While the other girl tries a little too hard, analyzes things a little too closely, gets her hopes up a little too quickly and when it doesn’t work out, she thinks it’s something she’s done wrong.

But alphas don’t make mistakes when it comes to how they date because how they date is how they live their life. Confidently and unapologetically.

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History Of Christmas.

Christmas is both a sacred religious holiday and a worldwide cultural and commercial phenomenon. For two millennia, people around the world have been observing it with traditions and practices that are both religious and secular in nature. Christians celebrate Christmas Day as the anniversary of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, a spiritual leader whose teachings form the basis of their religion. Popular customs include exchanging gifts, decorating Christmas trees, attending church, sharing meals with family and friends and, of course, waiting for Santa Claus to arrive. December 25–Christmas Day–has been a federal holiday in the United States since 1870.

An Ancient Holiday

The middle of winter has long been a time of celebration around the world. Centuries before the arrival of the man called Jesus, early Europeans celebrated light and birth in the darkest days of winter. Many peoples rejoiced during the winter solstice, when the worst of the winter was behind them and they could look forward to longer days and extended hours of sunlight.

In Scandinavia, the Norse celebrated Yule from December 21, the winter solstice, through January. In recognition of the return of the sun, fathers and sons would bring home large logs, which they would set on fire. The people would feast until the log burned out, which could take as many as 12 days. The Norse believed that each spark from the fire represented a new pig or calf that would be born during the coming year.

The end of December was a perfect time for celebration in most areas of Europe. At that time of year, most cattle were slaughtered so they would not have to be fed during the winter. For many, it was the only time of year when they had a supply of fresh meat. In addition, most wine and beer made during the year was finally fermented and ready for drinking.

In Germany, people honored the pagan god Oden during the mid-winter holiday. Germans were terrified of Oden, as they believed he made nocturnal flights through the sky to observe his people, and then decide who would prosper or perish. Because of his presence, many people chose to stay inside.

Saturnalia

In Rome, where winters were not as harsh as those in the far north, Saturnalia—a holiday in honor of Saturn, the god of agriculture—was celebrated. Beginning in the week leading up to the winter solstice and continuing for a full month, Saturnalia was a hedonistic time, when food and drink were plentiful and the normal Roman social order was turned upside down. For a month, slaves would become masters. Peasants were in command of the city. Business and schools were closed so that everyone could join in the fun.

Also around the time of the winter solstice, Romans observed Juvenalia, a feast honoring the children of Rome. In addition, members of the upper classes often celebrated the birthday of Mithra, the god of the unconquerable sun, on December 25. It was believed that Mithra, an infant god, was born of a rock. For some Romans, Mithra’s birthday was the most sacred day of the year.

In the early years of Christianity, Easter was the main holiday; the birth of Jesus was not celebrated. In the fourth century, church officials decided to institute the birth of Jesus as a holiday. Unfortunately, the Bible does not mention date for his birth (a fact Puritans later pointed out in order to deny the legitimacy of the celebration). Although some evidence suggests that his birth may have occurred in the spring (why would shepherds be herding in the middle of winter?), Pope Julius I chose December 25. It is commonly believed that the church chose this date in an effort to adopt and absorb the traditions of the pagan Saturnalia festival. First called the Feast of the Nativity, the custom spread to Egypt by 432 and to England by the end of the sixth century. By the end of the eighth century, the celebration of Christmas had spread all the way to Scandinavia. Today, in the Greek and Russian orthodox churches, Christmas is celebrated 13 days after the 25th, which is also referred to as the Epiphany or Three Kings Day. This is the day it is believed that the three wise men finally found Jesus in the manger.

By holding Christmas at the same time as traditional winter solstice festivals, church leaders increased the chances that Christmas would be popularly embraced, but gave up the ability to dictate how it was celebrated. By the Middle Ages, Christianity had, for the most part, replaced pagan religion. On Christmas, believers attended church, then celebrated raucously in a drunken, carnival-like atmosphere similar to today’s Mardi Gras. Each year, a beggar or student would be crowned the “lord of misrule” and eager celebrants played the part of his subjects. The poor would go to the houses of the rich and demand their best food and drink. If owners failed to comply, their visitors would most likely terrorize them with mischief. Christmas became the time of year when the upper classes could repay their real or imagined “debt” to society by entertaining less fortunate citizens.

An Outlaw Christmas

In the early 17th century, a wave of religious reform changed the way Christmas was celebrated in Europe. When Oliver Cromwell and his Puritan forces took over England in 1645, they vowed to rid England of decadence and, as part of their effort, cancelled Christmas. By popular demand, Charles II was restored to the throne and, with him, came the return of the popular holiday.

The pilgrims, English separatists that came to America in 1620, were even more orthodox in their Puritan beliefs than Cromwell. As a result, Christmas was not a holiday in early America. From 1659 to 1681, the celebration of Christmas was actually outlawed in Boston. Anyone exhibiting the Christmas spirit was fined five shillings. By contrast, in the Jamestown settlement, Captain John Smith reported that Christmas was enjoyed by all and passed without incident.

After the American Revolution, English customs fell out of favor, including Christmas. In fact, Christmas wasn’t declared a federal holiday until June 26, 1870.

Irving Reinvents Christmas

It wasn’t until the 19th century that Americans began to embrace Christmas. Americans re-invented Christmas, and changed it from a raucous carnival holiday into a family-centered day of peace and nostalgia. But what about the 1800s peaked American interest in the holiday?

The early 19th century was a period of class conflict and turmoil. During this time, unemployment was high and gang rioting by the disenchanted classes often occurred during the Christmas season. In 1828, the New York city council instituted the city’s first police force in response to a Christmas riot. This catalyzed certain members of the upper classes to begin to change the way Christmas was celebrated in America.

In 1819, best-selling author Washington Irving wrote The Sketchbook of Geoffrey Crayon, gent., a series of stories about the celebration of Christmas in an English manor house. The sketches feature a squire who invited the peasants into his home for the holiday. In contrast to the problems faced in American society, the two groups mingled effortlessly. In Irving’s mind, Christmas should be a peaceful, warm-hearted holiday bringing groups together across lines of wealth or social status. Irving’s fictitious celebrants enjoyed “ancient customs,” including the crowning of a Lord of Misrule. Irving’s book, however, was not based on any holiday celebration he had attended – in fact, many historians say that Irving’s account actually “invented” tradition by implying that it described the true customs of the season.

A Christmas Carol

Also around this time, English author Charles Dickens created the classic holiday tale, A Christmas Carol. The story’s message-the importance of charity and good will towards all humankind-struck a powerful chord in the United States and England and showed members of Victorian society the benefits of celebrating the holiday.

The family was also becoming less disciplined and more sensitive to the emotional needs of children during the early 1800s. Christmas provided families with a day when they could lavish attention-and gifts-on their children without appearing to “spoil” them.

As Americans began to embrace Christmas as a perfect family holiday, old customs were unearthed. People looked toward recent immigrants and Catholic and Episcopalian churches to see how the day should be celebrated. In the next 100 years, Americans built a Christmas tradition all their own that included pieces of many other customs, including decorating trees, sending holiday cards and gift-giving.

Although most families quickly bought into the idea that they were celebrating Christmas how it had been done for centuries, Americans had really re-invented a holiday to fill the cultural needs of a growing nation.

Christmas Facts

  • Each year, 30-35 million real Christmas trees are sold in the United States alone. There are 21,000 Christmas tree growers in the United States, and trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.
  • Today, in the Greek and Russian orthodox churches, Christmas is celebrated 13 days after the 25th, which is also referred to as the Epiphany or Three Kings Day. This is the day it is believed that the three wise men finally found Jesus in the manger.
  • In the Middle Ages, Christmas celebrations were rowdy and raucous—a lot like today’s Mardi Gras parties.
  • From 1659 to 1681, the celebration of Christmas was outlawed in Boston, and law-breakers were fined five shillings.
  • Christmas was declared a federal holiday in the United States on June 26, 1870.
  • The first eggnog made in the United States was consumed in Captain John Smith’s 1607 Jamestown settlement.
  • Poinsettia plants are named after Joel R. Poinsett, an American minister to Mexico, who brought the red-and-green plant from Mexico to America in 1828.
  • The Salvation Army has been sending Santa Claus-clad donation collectors into the streets since the 1890s.
  • Rudolph, “the most famous reindeer of all,” was the product of Robert L. May’s imagination in 1939. The copywriter wrote a poem about the reindeer to help lure customers into the Montgomery Ward department store.
  • Construction workers started the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree tradition in 1931.

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Why It’s Hard To Let Go Of Toxic Relationships.

We cling to things because they are comfortable.

We cling to people because they know us and we know them. And when you know someone and know the relationship, it’s easy to predict what will happen.

But sometimes the things we cling to and the people we care about, are unknowingly toxic to our own growth and happiness.

So why do we stick with them? Why are we so afraid to just let go? Why do we keep making that same mistake and only after the fact we evaluate the situation and can say, “I probably shouldn’t have done that.” Yet, we do it again. And again. And again. Until we are the ones destroyed by it.

Sometimes we are in the process of making the wrong choice and we subconsciously say to ourselves, “I’m going to regret this.” “I shouldn’t be doing this.” Yet, we do it anyway.

We text that person we know we shouldn’t. We answer that late night call. We are typing and half of you says, “don’t yet you do it anyway.”

People are the only species in the world who run towards things that hurt them. When an animal gets hurt by someone or something, they know not to do it again. A dog who has an electric collar knows not to leave the yard because they will get shocked. They don’t do it again just to see if it’ll hurt. They know it will. They stop altogether and proceed with caution and turn the other way. So why is it so hard for people to do the same thing when it comes to relationships?

Why do we cling to people we know aren’t healthy?

Why do we keep doing the same things that hurt us?

We do it because it’s comfortable. Even if it’s pain we are used to if we are expecting it, it doesn’t hurt as much.

Have you ever done something to yourself, physical causing self-inflicted pain? Maybe it’s pulling a cuticle or picking a scab or popping a pimple. It doesn’t hurt as bad because we are making the choice, and in making the choice we are telling our brain by doing this, we will feel pain for a moment. We know it’s coming. But if someone else were to do that exact same thing, it hurts more because it isn’t us doing it. Choosing toxic relationships work the same way. We choose the wrong person who we know is toxic and it doesn’t hurt as bad, because we are expecting pain, disappointment, and let down.

We do it because we know despite possibly regretting this choice we are about to make, we know what the outcome will be.

There is something comforting about certainty. There is something comforting about knowing what will happen. There is something comfortable about familiarity.

And when we’ve invested time and emotion into a relationship and they really know you, you really know them, it’s hard to walk away from that. It’s hard to give up on that. Especially when we’ve gotten into the habit of saying to ourselves over and over again, “this is the person I want.” “This is the person I love.” “This person is perfect.”

When someone knocks us down and belittles us and doesn’t treat us well and we build them up like they are something really special, we are going to lose ourselves in the process of trying to keep someone who was never actually ours and never will be.

How does the word toxic and love so easily get put in the same sentence?

Because when you overvalued someone who doesn’t deserve it, you have a distorted view of them and you place less value on yourself. Swearing you will never love someone as hard. Pining after this idea of who the person can be and what the relationship could turn into. Creating this story inside your head.

While you are laying next to them in bed hearing everything you want to, you believe this relationship isn’t just casual. You believe because you are emotionally invested it’s something more. It’s a relationship you so desperately want. And when you want something or someone desperately, you are going to settle.

Desperation = Settling.

You’ll settle for the mistreatment and the low blows and the maybes’ and the what ifs. You’ll pick up their call and answer their text even though they ignored yours. You’ll be there for them because you want to prove yourself but if you really looked at the root of it, you aren’t choosing a toxic person because you are dumb.

You are choosing a toxic person because you want to be wrong about them.

Ask any person who has ever been in a toxic relationship, what they know the outcome to be and if they answered honestly, they know it wouldn’t be the ending they want.

Maybe you like a challenge. Maybe there is an emotional high there. Maybe you like the uncertainty of it.

This person treats you however they want and you let them. And it continues. You wonder why you run in circles or play these games? It’s because you are allowing it.

Because you are reading signs, you want to not see the signs that are actually there.

Understand that disrespect will never lead to a relationship. And if by chance it does, that’s the fast road to what will be an emotionally abusive relationship or cheating.

If you allow someone to treat you badly, there isn’t a level of attraction when it comes to someone who doesn’t respect themselves first.

They will never look at you as an equal, but someone they can control and someone who will boost their own ego when they need to.

You wonder why they duck out, then blow up your news feed. They follow you, just to unfollow you. They text you and it goes from delivered to read.

This continues because you allow it and you allow it because it’s comfortable. And it’s comfortable because you let it go on longer than it should have.

Toxic relationships don’t start off as toxic. They morph into it. The relationship changes when you’ve outgrown it and you stay there. Relationships become toxic when you are clinging to someone you should let go of, but you are too afraid to.

Sometimes you fear letting go of a toxic relationship because you don’t want to feel guilty going back to it. So you let it linger. How many times have you sworn to your friends if he/she won’t answer or it’s over? Then suddenly they text you or call you just after you’ve made that declaration and you fold.

People become habits very quickly. And habits are hard to break. And the only reason you think you can’t let this person go is, because that’s the message you keep repeating.

And the brain doesn’t know the difference between fact and fiction if you are constantly saying the same thing to yourself, that’s what you will end up believing.

The way we speak to ourselves, reflect the relationship we have both with ourselves and others.

You think you’ll never love someone the way you do them. And if that’s what you keep saying, you’ll meet people and they will always fall short of this person you are building up in your head.

You think this person has all of these amazing qualities, but you aren’t looking at the whole picture. Because the whole picture of a toxic relationship is the parts you ignore. The moments they make you feel less, worthless, and sad. Those nights you are crying yourself to sleep because they’ve let you down again.

On the other end of that, they might have a few redeeming and admirable qualities, but you can’t judge someone based on half of who they are and who you want them to be.

You think it’s love, but love has no room for pain and confusion.

And the longer you cling to this idea of defining love this way, the more jaded you’ll become. The more guarded you’ll become. The more fearful you’ll become of other relationships.

And without realizing instead of choosing people who are good for you, you’ll continue the pattern of choosing toxic people because that’s what you are used to and that’s what you are comfortable with.

But no one should ever become comfortable with pain.

I think we choose the wrong people not because we are bad at relationships, but because we fear getting a relationship right. We fear actually falling in love. So we settle for relationships that have parts that look and feel like the real thing, but aren’t. Because then it won’t hurt as bad when you know the outcome might not be one in our favor.

But when you find the right love, suddenly you have this relationship and this person that is so valuable it’s something you can lose.

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What Is A Soul Mate?

What is a soul mate? It’s more than a lover.

“It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.”

What is a soul mate?

Is it the person you spend your life with? Or is it just a person who comes into your life and doesn’t leave? Is it the person who ends up being your forever? Or is it possible to find soul mates within average people we come across? People who change our lives just by being in it. People who enter and there’s just a before and after in us from their presence alone. Maybe that is a partner. Maybe it’s a parent. Or sibling. Maybe it’s a friend who has never left.

“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.” – Aristotle.

Regardless of who this person might be when we find them, we are never the same again.

I don’t think soul mates are so simply defined by the people we date. I think they can be found anywhere. These people who somehow complete us and make our lives and hearts a little more whole. The people who not only take the time to understand us, but the people who are us in a way. It’s souls recognizing each other as one in the same.

And once you find each other and you find that connection, it’s almost without effort or trying at all and it doesn’t die out. It just stays there.

It’s the people who make us better versions of ourselves. The people who love us unconditionally. The people who realize our value and never stop reminding us of it.

It’s the people we get along with best. But also the people who challenge us and push us to be more. The people who make us laugh the loudest. The people who understand our silence, glares, and uncertainty. It’s the person who can look at us and they can tell what type of day you are having. Someone who understands our dialogue without words. Someone who doesn’t need much but our presence to make them feel whole and alive again.

It’s the connection we can’t explain. It’s the relationship that is unlike any other.

A soul mate isn’t just defined by the person who is on the receiving end of the words “I do.” It’s that person who gets you in a way you are still trying to understand yourself.

And as confusing and difficult as life may get, the only thing you are most confident in moments of doubt, is them. Because you know they are never going to let you down.

It’s the words “I love you” that roll off the tongue so easily without question.

It’s the common concern for someone other than ourselves.

It’s looking at someone and truly believing despite their flaws, they are the most perfect person we’ve ever met.

We look for them in everyone else only to again be reminded how rare they are and how lucky we are to have found one another.

It’s a mutual respect.

It’s the same kindness.

It’s the conversation at 2AM that make you think.

It’s the one person in our lives who constantly meet us halfway and it never feels difficult.

It’s meeting this person and even the thought of something happening to them would shake up our world so dramatically.

Your rock.

Your pain when something hurts.

Your confidant.

Your best friend.

Your loudest laugh.

Your best memories.

Your confidence in moments of doubt.

Your strength in moments of weakness.

Your light when in the dark.

A half that makes you whole.

They are found when you aren’t looking. When you begin to doubt everyone around you. When you think the only person you can trust is yourself. They come into your life and touch your heart and leave such a mark on you, you’re never the same again.

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