Open Topic

Why It’s Hard To Let Go Of Toxic Relationships.

We cling to things because they are comfortable.

We cling to people because they know us and we know them. And when you know someone and know the relationship, it’s easy to predict what will happen.

But sometimes the things we cling to and the people we care about, are unknowingly toxic to our own growth and happiness.

So why do we stick with them? Why are we so afraid to just let go? Why do we keep making that same mistake and only after the fact we evaluate the situation and can say, “I probably shouldn’t have done that.” Yet, we do it again. And again. And again. Until we are the ones destroyed by it.

Sometimes we are in the process of making the wrong choice and we subconsciously say to ourselves, “I’m going to regret this.” “I shouldn’t be doing this.” Yet, we do it anyway.

We text that person we know we shouldn’t. We answer that late night call. We are typing and half of you says, “don’t yet you do it anyway.”

People are the only species in the world who run towards things that hurt them. When an animal gets hurt by someone or something, they know not to do it again. A dog who has an electric collar knows not to leave the yard because they will get shocked. They don’t do it again just to see if it’ll hurt. They know it will. They stop altogether and proceed with caution and turn the other way. So why is it so hard for people to do the same thing when it comes to relationships?

Why do we cling to people we know aren’t healthy?

Why do we keep doing the same things that hurt us?

We do it because it’s comfortable. Even if it’s pain we are used to if we are expecting it, it doesn’t hurt as much.

Have you ever done something to yourself, physical causing self-inflicted pain? Maybe it’s pulling a cuticle or picking a scab or popping a pimple. It doesn’t hurt as bad because we are making the choice, and in making the choice we are telling our brain by doing this, we will feel pain for a moment. We know it’s coming. But if someone else were to do that exact same thing, it hurts more because it isn’t us doing it. Choosing toxic relationships work the same way. We choose the wrong person who we know is toxic and it doesn’t hurt as bad, because we are expecting pain, disappointment, and let down.

We do it because we know despite possibly regretting this choice we are about to make, we know what the outcome will be.

There is something comforting about certainty. There is something comforting about knowing what will happen. There is something comfortable about familiarity.

And when we’ve invested time and emotion into a relationship and they really know you, you really know them, it’s hard to walk away from that. It’s hard to give up on that. Especially when we’ve gotten into the habit of saying to ourselves over and over again, “this is the person I want.” “This is the person I love.” “This person is perfect.”

When someone knocks us down and belittles us and doesn’t treat us well and we build them up like they are something really special, we are going to lose ourselves in the process of trying to keep someone who was never actually ours and never will be.

How does the word toxic and love so easily get put in the same sentence?

Because when you overvalued someone who doesn’t deserve it, you have a distorted view of them and you place less value on yourself. Swearing you will never love someone as hard. Pining after this idea of who the person can be and what the relationship could turn into. Creating this story inside your head.

While you are laying next to them in bed hearing everything you want to, you believe this relationship isn’t just casual. You believe because you are emotionally invested it’s something more. It’s a relationship you so desperately want. And when you want something or someone desperately, you are going to settle.

Desperation = Settling.

You’ll settle for the mistreatment and the low blows and the maybes’ and the what ifs. You’ll pick up their call and answer their text even though they ignored yours. You’ll be there for them because you want to prove yourself but if you really looked at the root of it, you aren’t choosing a toxic person because you are dumb.

You are choosing a toxic person because you want to be wrong about them.

Ask any person who has ever been in a toxic relationship, what they know the outcome to be and if they answered honestly, they know it wouldn’t be the ending they want.

Maybe you like a challenge. Maybe there is an emotional high there. Maybe you like the uncertainty of it.

This person treats you however they want and you let them. And it continues. You wonder why you run in circles or play these games? It’s because you are allowing it.

Because you are reading signs, you want to not see the signs that are actually there.

Understand that disrespect will never lead to a relationship. And if by chance it does, that’s the fast road to what will be an emotionally abusive relationship or cheating.

If you allow someone to treat you badly, there isn’t a level of attraction when it comes to someone who doesn’t respect themselves first.

They will never look at you as an equal, but someone they can control and someone who will boost their own ego when they need to.

You wonder why they duck out, then blow up your news feed. They follow you, just to unfollow you. They text you and it goes from delivered to read.

This continues because you allow it and you allow it because it’s comfortable. And it’s comfortable because you let it go on longer than it should have.

Toxic relationships don’t start off as toxic. They morph into it. The relationship changes when you’ve outgrown it and you stay there. Relationships become toxic when you are clinging to someone you should let go of, but you are too afraid to.

Sometimes you fear letting go of a toxic relationship because you don’t want to feel guilty going back to it. So you let it linger. How many times have you sworn to your friends if he/she won’t answer or it’s over? Then suddenly they text you or call you just after you’ve made that declaration and you fold.

People become habits very quickly. And habits are hard to break. And the only reason you think you can’t let this person go is, because that’s the message you keep repeating.

And the brain doesn’t know the difference between fact and fiction if you are constantly saying the same thing to yourself, that’s what you will end up believing.

The way we speak to ourselves, reflect the relationship we have both with ourselves and others.

You think you’ll never love someone the way you do them. And if that’s what you keep saying, you’ll meet people and they will always fall short of this person you are building up in your head.

You think this person has all of these amazing qualities, but you aren’t looking at the whole picture. Because the whole picture of a toxic relationship is the parts you ignore. The moments they make you feel less, worthless, and sad. Those nights you are crying yourself to sleep because they’ve let you down again.

On the other end of that, they might have a few redeeming and admirable qualities, but you can’t judge someone based on half of who they are and who you want them to be.

You think it’s love, but love has no room for pain and confusion.

And the longer you cling to this idea of defining love this way, the more jaded you’ll become. The more guarded you’ll become. The more fearful you’ll become of other relationships.

And without realizing instead of choosing people who are good for you, you’ll continue the pattern of choosing toxic people because that’s what you are used to and that’s what you are comfortable with.

But no one should ever become comfortable with pain.

I think we choose the wrong people not because we are bad at relationships, but because we fear getting a relationship right. We fear actually falling in love. So we settle for relationships that have parts that look and feel like the real thing, but aren’t. Because then it won’t hurt as bad when you know the outcome might not be one in our favor.

But when you find the right love, suddenly you have this relationship and this person that is so valuable it’s something you can lose.


Open Topic

What Is A Soul Mate?

What is a soul mate? It’s more than a lover.

“It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.”

What is a soul mate?

Is it the person you spend your life with? Or is it just a person who comes into your life and doesn’t leave? Is it the person who ends up being your forever? Or is it possible to find soul mates within average people we come across? People who change our lives just by being in it. People who enter and there’s just a before and after in us from their presence alone. Maybe that is a partner. Maybe it’s a parent. Or sibling. Maybe it’s a friend who has never left.

“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.” – Aristotle.

Regardless of who this person might be when we find them, we are never the same again.

I don’t think soul mates are so simply defined by the people we date. I think they can be found anywhere. These people who somehow complete us and make our lives and hearts a little more whole. The people who not only take the time to understand us, but the people who are us in a way. It’s souls recognizing each other as one in the same.

And once you find each other and you find that connection, it’s almost without effort or trying at all and it doesn’t die out. It just stays there.

It’s the people who make us better versions of ourselves. The people who love us unconditionally. The people who realize our value and never stop reminding us of it.

It’s the people we get along with best. But also the people who challenge us and push us to be more. The people who make us laugh the loudest. The people who understand our silence, glares, and uncertainty. It’s the person who can look at us and they can tell what type of day you are having. Someone who understands our dialogue without words. Someone who doesn’t need much but our presence to make them feel whole and alive again.

It’s the connection we can’t explain. It’s the relationship that is unlike any other.

A soul mate isn’t just defined by the person who is on the receiving end of the words “I do.” It’s that person who gets you in a way you are still trying to understand yourself.

And as confusing and difficult as life may get, the only thing you are most confident in moments of doubt, is them. Because you know they are never going to let you down.

It’s the words “I love you” that roll off the tongue so easily without question.

It’s the common concern for someone other than ourselves.

It’s looking at someone and truly believing despite their flaws, they are the most perfect person we’ve ever met.

We look for them in everyone else only to again be reminded how rare they are and how lucky we are to have found one another.

It’s a mutual respect.

It’s the same kindness.

It’s the conversation at 2AM that make you think.

It’s the one person in our lives who constantly meet us halfway and it never feels difficult.

It’s meeting this person and even the thought of something happening to them would shake up our world so dramatically.

Your rock.

Your pain when something hurts.

Your confidant.

Your best friend.

Your loudest laugh.

Your best memories.

Your confidence in moments of doubt.

Your strength in moments of weakness.

Your light when in the dark.

A half that makes you whole.

They are found when you aren’t looking. When you begin to doubt everyone around you. When you think the only person you can trust is yourself. They come into your life and touch your heart and leave such a mark on you, you’re never the same again.



Open Topic

Sexual Abuse And/Or Assault.

Sexual assault and abuse is any type of sexual activity that you do not agree to, including:

  • inappropriate touching
  • vaginal, anal, or oral penetration
  • sexual intercourse that you say no to
  • rape
  • attempted rape
  • child molestation
Sexual assault can be verbal, visual, or anything that forces a person to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention. Examples of this are voyeurism (when someone watches private sexual acts), exhibitionism (when someone exposes him/herself in public), incest (sexual contact between family members), and sexual harassment. It can happen in different situations, by a stranger in an isolated place, on a date, or in the home by someone you know.Rape is a common form of sexual assault. It is committed in many situations, on a date, by a friend or an acquaintance, or when you think you are alone. Educate yourself on “date rape” drugs. They can be slipped into a drink when a victim is not looking. Never leave your drink unattended no matter where you are. Try to always be aware of your surroundings. Date rape drugs make a person unable to resist assault and have a type of memory loss so the victim doesn’t know what happened.


Get Help for Sexual Assault

Take steps right away if you’ve been sexually assaulted:

1) Get away from the attacker to a safe place as fast as you can. Then call 911 or the police.

2)  Call a friend or family member you trust. You also can call a crisis center or a hotline to talk with a counselor. One hotline is the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). Feelings of shame, guilt, fear, and shock are normal. It is important to get counseling from a trusted professional.

3) Do not wash, comb, or clean any part of your body. Do not change clothes if possible, so the hospital staff can collect evidence. Do not touch or change anything at the scene of the assault.

4) Go to your nearest hospital emergency room as soon as possible. You need to be examined, treated for any injuries, and screened for possible sexual transmitted diseases (STD) or pregnancy. The doctor will collect evidence using a rape kit for fibers, hairs, saliva, semen, or clothing that the attacker may have left behind.

5) You or the hospital staff can call the police from the emergency room to file a report.

6) Ask the hospital staff about possible support groups you can attend right away.

You can help someone who is abused or who has been assaulted by listening and offering comfort. Go with her or him to the police, the hospital, or to counseling. Reinforce the message that she or he is not at fault, and that it is natural to feel angry and ashamed.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 800-799-SAFE (7233), 800-787-3224 (TTY). Spanish speakers are available. When you call, you will first hear a recording and may have to hold. Hotline staff offer crisis intervention and referrals. If requested, they connect women to shelters and can send out written information. For more information, visit their website at

The National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 800-656-4673. When you call, you will hear a menu and can choose #1 to talk to a counselor. You will then be connected to a counselor in your area who can help you. For more information, visit their website at


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