Ladies & Gents.

Hi All,

I just want to put something out in the open, all my posts aren’t directed at no one particular. All my posts are meant for BOTH men and women. I blog about my personal experiences and what I am already experiencing. So don’t think my posts are only about men, because they’re not!! I try to include ALL people, men and women, who can relate to my posts as well. I just wanted to make this clear to everyone. So with all this said ladies and gentlemen, feel free to like and/or comment my posts. This is a no judging zone!!  Thank you!!

160505-164884

When To Let Go, And Why Endings Hurt.

It’s hard to ever understand why things end or why relationships change in the first place.

You try to justify, rationalize, and understand it. But it’s not easy.

Sometimes no matter how many times you analyze the past and replay conversations, acceptance of that change becomes the hardest part.

You don’t understand until after the fact and after much healing.

Sometimes the reason things don’t work out is, because there’s someone better for you out there you haven’t met yet. And that’s hard to believe. It’s hard to walk away loving someone admitting that wasn’t enough to save you.

But the way to look at it isn’t bitter or angry, even though those are probably the initial emotions you feel.

When a good relationship ends, realize that means a better one is to come.

Sometimes a person comes into your life and love and choose you in that moment because that’s the type of person you needed. And in that phase they were the best person they could have been. And sometimes that’s all you can ask and expect of someone.

It’s okay to be upset, something like that didn’t last and that connection faded, but how lucky are you to even have found someone like that in the first place.

I think when relationships end, it’s all about the perspective you can look at it angry and sad or with gratitude.

Each person you interact with has something different to teach you.

And maybe your life is a compilation of endings you can’t make sense of, but take every good quality of those people and look for that.

You are going to realize it didn’t work out when you meet the next person and have a relationship that does. And eventually in that person you find every good thing about all those other people in the past within one individual meant for you.

It hurts when people leave, but it’s lovely to have had someone who meant that much to you, that you miss them.

Some of the best relationships you have in your life may not be with the people you end up with. Some of the deepest love you feel may not be one that’s forever. But the difference between that and the people you end up with, is a love that’s right.

The right love is what’s in your future every time something goes wrong.

You dwell in the past looking at a person who no longer fits into this version of your life. And that’s okay. The greatest form of love and honoring a good relationship is letting it go when the times up.

But you don’t want to do that. Instead you fumble for words with uncomfortable conversation where there’s not much left to even say.

Awkward dinner as metal scraping china is the only sound.
Falling asleep at night next to someone who feels like they are miles away.
The small talk where I love you isn’t genuine, but said out of routine.
And silence that speaks louder than words can.

We all hold onto relationships longer than we should, because we don’t want to admit what we know in our hearts to be true. That it’s over.

Sometimes love runs out. Sometimes relationships run it’s course. And sometimes these people we were so sure of, leave. And the only thing we are left with is the things they taught us, the way they changed us, the way they bettered us, and the love they had to give at one point.

And it might feel like a loss when things end but when you truly love and care about someone, you trade pieces of each other, so within you are little parts of them never to really be forgotten.

The reasons things don’t work out is because people are like parts of our lives and we outgrow them too.

When it hurts to stand still next to someone and the only thing you have in common is the past, sometimes the best thing you can do for each other is walk separately towards a future and it’s there you’ll find someone who stays.

iStock_000027224387XSmall images1.jpg

Meeting A Decent Guy After A Toxic Relationship.

When all you are used to is uncertainty and blurry lines, you aren’t going to trust the person at first. With every word they say, you’re going to wonder if they are lying. With every gesture, you are going to wonder what they want from you. When they compliment you, you’re going to wonder if there’s a motivate. When they pay, you’re going to think you owe them something. With every kiss and every touch, you’re going to wonder about something more not because you want that, but because in the past that’s always how it’s gone.

When you’ve been in unhealth, toxic, casual relationships, the certainty and someone liking you for you is everything you wanted, but everything you’re not used to.

When they keep their plans and confirm and make a reservation you still wonder if they are going to cancel. Not because they have ever, but because so many people before him, left you dressed and ready only to be sitting in your room with nowhere to go.

The dates go almost too well and that’s the only flaw you can find in him. It’s easy and simple. And you know that’s what you deserve. But at the same time, you question it.

You’ve always pined after the mystery of someone who keeps you on your toes. There is something attractive about the person you can’t have. And even though the games you hate and this guy doesn’t play them, it’s just different.

Because the thing about girls who continue to go after that type that leaves them staring at their phone and wondering how they feel, there’s this adrenaline rush dating the bad boy who keeps you at arm’s length.

But with a decent guy, there’s none of that. And you’re not used to a relationship that’s simple.

You’ve probably mumbled to yourself, “it’s too good to be true.” Or question if he’s boring or “not your type.” That’s the best thing about him, is you need someone who isn’t your type.

You’re waiting cautiously for any red flag that shows you he’s just like everyone else you’ve ever dated. Overthinking everything and expecting the worst.

If there’s one thing you’ve learned, it’s how fast someone can change their mind about you. But time and time again he proves he’s different from the rest.

People shy away from what they don’t know. And girls who have a series of unhealthy relationships in the past, tend to respond to this change with rejection. Which is a huge mistake. Because when you’re done complaining about the things you’re tired of, then someone comes into your life and is everything you could have ever imagined, the number one way you mess it up is by finding flaws within them when in reality it could very well be the best relationship of your life if they didn’t analyze this person under a microscope comparing them to every horrible person in your past.

Decent guys have it tough because girls compare them to guys who aren’t even on their same playing field.

When you meet a decent guy and you’re used to everything but that, you have to be careful to not be the one to ruin it by not giving the relationship a fair shot.

Girls who come out of a series of bad relationships are programmed to decipher lies and shadiness. It’s almost on autopilot learning how to read these types of people. Mastering the art of the game an asshole plays and learning to play it better. Learning exactly how to react and what to say and when. Investing a lot of emotions and time into something that will only ever be an almost.

Then you come across someone who is blunt, honest, and his best quality isn’t the number of girls he’s talking to or how coy he is with what he says. His best quality is he’s a gentleman who treats women well.

Maybe you have an asshole read but a nice guy is the one who is reading you because you don’t even know how to react to any of this.

What happens in these relationships are at first you reject him slightly and keep him at arm’s length questioning him when you have no reason to. Expecting the worst. Then you watch yourself fall a little faster.

And this guy you deemed as “too nice” is suddenly consuming your thoughts. This guy who is “spoiling” you and “treating you well” all the time, you now start to look at him with the admiration he deserved the whole time.

Then you become afraid because you’re used to relationships ending and someone blaming you for it. Victims of toxic relationships have the tendency to take complete ownership of the entire relationship because toxic people never do. When something goes wrong you are getting screamed at, belittled, and blamed. The phrase you’ll hear so often, “if you did this right or differently I wouldn’t have reacted that way.” Projecting blame onto the victim.

Conflicts like these lead you to apologize just to move on and make him happy. But when problems and fights arise with a guy who is decent, the difference is he works through it. You’re used to putting some temporary band-aid on the problem, but he teaches you about resolving things and moving forward and not using it as blackmail later on.

You begin to look back at your old relationships wondering what the hell you were even doing wasting so much time on people who didn’t deserve yours.

Suddenly your efforts of overcompensating and trying too hard are met with someone who does the same.

Girls who come out of toxic relationships feel that they alone aren’t enough so they have to do things that prove they are worthy.

But then you meet someone who proves they are the worthy one.

He looks at you the way no one else has before. Taking your hand gently, opening every door, answering every text, kissing you when he feels like because he’s happy to have you. Not letting you touch your wallet, going as far as picking you up even if it’s out of his way. Suggests meeting the family.

And you think back to a time when all you ever met were family members in passing never being introduced with some label wanting something so much more and thinking if you kept trying, maybe you’d get it.

Eventually you got tired of it.

You take a chance on someone you wouldn’t usually, and it’s the best thing they’ve ever done because suddenly the love you gave others so carelessly is coming back to you .

You used to say three words in hopes he’d stay. In doing so, you learned to fear love or rather loving someone who couldn’t love you back. These relationships gave you a skewed definition of what love was and you began to believe it was confusing and complicated and full of such high and lows. Or worse, that you were the one that was hard to love this whole time.

But a decent guy is the one to teach you the opposite. He teaches you how simple, honest, and great love can be when you get it right.

The after effect is obvious, she’s always going to be a little self-conscious. She’s always going to question what is true and what isn’t. Relationships will always give her a bit of anxiety.

But what a decent guy teaches her is, the right relationships add confidence not just to her but to him, helping her to heal. And it’s there she realizes what she deserved this whole time.

tamera-mowry-11

Meant For A Different Type Of Forever.

I used to be consumed with the what-ifs and the maybes. The one days and the forever I thought would be ours. A walk down the aisle with my dad by my side as I saw you waiting on the other end. I envisioned a life I thought would make me happy, the truth is, none of it really mattered as long as you were right next to me.

Because in the times I struggled to define “home,” I realized the most sound definition was where you were.

But thoughts of forever were met with the reality that hit me between the eyes, that maybe we weren’t meant to be after all.

Driving down roads seeing you everywhere. Going to spots where I still see your ghost. In the time I spend alone without you in my life it felt like a part of me was missing.

I think of the life you’ve built with someone else. Someone I thought would be me. I’ve gotten past jealousy and accepting of what is and what will never be.

Caught somewhere between friends, old lovers, and a past we don’t speak about much anymore. I admit there are still times I look back at it, but not for too long.

But maybe this forever painted itself differently than what I thought. Maybe forever can be found among the ashes of old flames that burned out.

You call and I’m no longer overcome with butterflies like I did when I were young.

Time spent together, I don’t find myself missing you when we part ways because I know I’ll see you again.

We exchange I love yous’ like it’s comfortable and real. Because it is. I think the realest love you can find sometimes is the eyes of people who know you better than you know yourself.

I don’t look at you anymore like you’re the only love of my life, but rather someone I’m lucky enough to keep without holding onto so tightly.

There’s something comforting about that.

Someone who stays.

Someone who continues to choose you.

Loving someone. Because maybe we weren’t the love of each other’s live, but maybe we loved each other the best way we knew and know how to.

Maybe love and forever aren’t always meant for the person you thought you’d wake up next to.

There’s comfort in finding that among a friendship that probably a lot of other people couldn’t maintain.

There’s a comfort in some history that doesn’t need to be spoken about.

There’s something about someone who knows you in ways you don’t know yourself because as you learned who you were, they were a part of it.

There’s something about the person you become because of another. Like if you were to pull apart the pieces of who you are and dissect it, you’d find them there. But so much of who you are has their influence painted on it.

It’s a certainty of them in your future because they were a part of your past.

It’s a person who loves you unconditionally.

A person who wants what’s best.

A person who makes you better and happier.

It’s the person who pushes you in every right direction.

But is still there at your best and worst.

The person accepts you because they’ve seen you in every form.

The person who isn’t afraid of your sharp edges or dark shadows because they know why you are the way you are.

And they know of the things you don’t speak about.

It’s the person who would protect you, stand up for you, and stand beside you through everything.

A loyalty unlike anything you’ve ever know.

The one you know will always be there and it isn’t that you take each other for granted, but rather value what the relationship has become over time.

They weren’t just someone you loved back then, they were someone you’ll love forever.

And maybe they won’t be standing there exchanging words of “I do,” but maybe they will be standing there happier for you then anyone in that room.

Maybe forever isn’t what you thought it would be. Maybe it’s something so much more.

93965290-grassfield-date-couple-together-in-nature

Take Control Of Your Life & Happiness.

We go through day-to-day without realizing how lucky we are. I’ll be the first to admit there are a lot of things I take for granted sometimes. I tend to look at the negative parts of my life too often. I tend to dwell on the past and worry about a future that’s uncertain, that sometimes I feel I’m entitled to.

It’s that attitude that makes me have to take a step back sometimes. That attitude that makes me slow down. That attitude that makes me have to shift my perspective and change.

We hurry through the motions without realizing how lucky we are to even go through them.
We hurry through a day already wanting it to be over without realizing how lucky we are to even have that day.
We hurry through running an errand just to get onto the next one, but what if we couldn’t do that or needed someone else to rely on?

We hurry through a workout and don’t take the time to appreciate or show gratitude to ourselves. Failing to say thank you to ourselves and our body for carrying us through it. Failing to realize how upset we’d be if we couldn’t do it tomorrow and it’d be only after the fact we appreciated something after we lost it.

Health is important. Taking care of yourself is important. Looking your best should reflect wanting to feel your best, not just about change.
You beat yourself up because you ate something bad, saying you had a horrible day just because you missed one workout, getting angry at yourself because you gained a pound or two, spending your entire life saying you’ll be happy when you fit into this dress or see this number on a scale is BS.

When you fail to appreciate what you have right now, you will never appreciate what you get or accomplish later because you’ll be constantly looking at the next thing.

Appreciation applies to both things and people.

It’s so important to show people you love, care, and appreciate them. While you might be looking at a relationship you don’t have in your life or parts of your life you wish were different, what you aren’t looking at are the people who are right in front of you giving you their time, attention, and love. Learn to appreciate them.

Maybe like myself, you aren’t in a relationship with someone who is in love with you but it doesn’t mean you don’t have relationships with people who love and care about you just as much, and maybe even more than this person that doesn’t exist or you’ve built up in your mind.

Not being in love doesn’t mean your life lacks it.

So many of us focus on the things we don’t have. We look at the grass so much greener on the other side. We look at someone else’s life and their highlight reels and we only see the good stuff. But what we aren’t seeing is their struggles. The things they deal with. The things they have to overcome. It isn’t fair to compare someone’s best moments to your worst.

Social media is great but all it really is are moments someone wants to advertise about their own lives in an attempt to keep up with someone else. And it’s turned into some competition of whose life is better intended to make us all feel a little worse about our own lives.

Our brain can’t distinguish what is real and what isn’t. So when there’s a constant stream across your news feed of everyone’s best life, you are going to compare what you see to what is real in your life and you’ll feel bad about yourself because of it.

There is a reason people who look at their phones more have higher levels of depression. That is a fact.

“A study published Tuesday in the journal Clinical Psychological Science finds that increased time spent with popular electronic devices whether a computer, cell phone or tablet might have contributed to an uptick in symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts over the last several years among teens, especially among girls.”

Behind every picture is an untold story. And behind every post is a filter of how someone wants to be portrayed.

Put your phone down. Live a life, one that makes you so happy, you forget you even have a cell phone to begin with. Put down your phone and stop texting people who aren’t there and learn to appreciate the people who are. Because one day you are going to look up from your phone and some people won’t be there anymore. Put down your phone and tell the people who are in your real life how you feel, how you appreciate them and how happy they make you.

Tell them exactly how you feel about them.

At some point, it got really cool to repress emotions and play hard to get and allow social media to control our relationships and how we perceive them. Like something they post, but don’t do it too much. Answer their text, but don’t seem too eager. Match on some app, but don’t say anything if you cross paths. Play things cool. Be the one who cares less. Don’t make moves until you know with certainty you won’t get hurt making them.

That’s complete and total bullshit because until you are standing there in front of someone you haven’t stopped thinking about for the past few weeks or months and you’re shaking out of fear of telling them exactly how you feel and struggle to even find the words to clearly articulate it, wondering if they feel the same way or not, that’s living and that’s taking chances and that’s loving the right way.

And even if it’s not mutual at least you tried. Don’t tiptoe around how you feel because you’re afraid to get hurt or afraid they don’t feel the same way. Put it all on the line and I promise you things will be okay. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, and caring does make you seem less attractive when it’s the right person.

Those types of risks in life are what it’s all about. You don’t wait for confirmation across your phone, you go for it.
Tell people exactly how you feel and be okay with it. Don’t wait for the right moment. Because there are no right moments, there is only now.

Shutting off that negative voice and controlling your happiness.

When you’re overcome with moments of complaining and negativity shift your focus.

Something shitty happened at work, but how lucky are you to have a job.
Your sister stole your favorite shirt, but how lucky are you to even have a sister.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend pissed you off, but how great is it you’ve found them.

So much of life is about the things we tell ourselves and how we’re perspective of it.

Something you have that you complain about someone is praying for or lost. And that’s how you have to think of it.

Learning to take a step back and really look around and appreciate where you are and what you have will change how you feel about it.

Focus on problems that are actually problems and not the ones you are making.

So many of the issues we have in our life we create ourselves.

Create a life you are proud of. Create a life that makes you happy. Create a life that shows you what living actually is.

Learn that as much as it’s your life, the only way you are going to live a good one is if you do something greater than yourself. You give back and it isn’t to get something in return. When you realize the best thing you can give someone is your time and attention nothing else is going to matter. Anyone can write a check. Anyone can donate something. But until you are sitting there helping someone who can’t help you back, you will never realize what is important in life.

Giving yourself. Giving your time. Giving your attention. Giving the best you have to someone. And what you walk away with is this feeling nothing else in your life can compare to. Not fame, fortune, promotions, or raises.

Work is important.

And it’s going to take up a lot of your time. But what is really important are the things you do and why you do them and the relationships you build along the way.

However, you define success, whether it’s in what you achieve or the money you make or the life you create for yourself, the one thing that is more valuable than any dollar amount is the relationships you build and maintain and the impact you have on one another.

People aren’t going to remember what you did even if you spent your whole life doing it, they will remember how you made them feel while doing it.

The little things are what matter. And it might not seem like much in the moment. But show up to that thing. Set aside time to spend with your friend and talk. Call them on their birthday. Celebrate their success. Check-in. And don’t just let that relationship go. Really find out what is going on in their life. Feel with them through their own struggles and help them overcome it. Giving someone your time and attention is invaluable. And showing you care about them and doing things to prove it, will result in healthy relationships that get through anything.

We tend to wait.

We hold things off thinking we will have time to do it. Without realizing and valuing that time too is a gift.

That trip you’ve wanted to go on for so long, you look at every reason you shouldn’t right now, but you look at flights often. You let any excuse get in the way of it.

You have financial goals of saving, but suddenly you realize you aren’t actually living your life, you are holding things off in hopes one day you can.

Live right now and in this moment.

Do everything you want to do and stop looking for reasons why now might not be a good time. There is never going to be a perfect time for anything and that’s what makes it exciting when you just do it.

We allow fear to get in the way of making the necessary changes that could lead us to ultimate happiness and fulfillment.

People are creatures of habit and routine that’s what we look for. But if you stay in the wrong place too long so much that it becomes your comfort zone, you’ll always be left wondering if there’s something more out there. Comfort zones aren’t meant for thriving and growing, and people need to grow to be happy.

You want to change your life, change how you view it and show gratitude.
You want to change your relationships, learn to appreciate the ones you already have.
You want to feel love, learn to love others.
You want to be happy, stop focusing on the things that make you sad.
You want to appreciate life, then do something for someone who can’t reciprocate it.
You want to stop waiting, then stop making excuses of why now isn’t a good time.
You want to be happy with yourself and your life, stop comparing it to others.
You want to have a job you like, then quit the one you don’t.
You want to live a life you remember, then do that thing that scares you.

Take control of your life concept colorful words on blackboard

ALT_12.09.13