She held on as long as she could. Against everyone’s wishes. Against everyone’s advice. She would have kept holding on against every odd. Following a heart that’s led her to dead-ends and heartbreak. But she believed in you. She cared about you. She had your best interest at heart always and would have done anything to keep you.
But you didn’t want the same.
Because that effort and every gesture you suddenly felt entitled to, went unappreciated. The word “thank you” failed to escape your mouth on so many occasions. And she just kept trying.
She wouldn’t have given up on you if you hadn’t beaten her to it.
But I’m glad you did.
She held on tighter refusing to let go, but she didn’t realize in that moment, every bit of effort, and trying as hard as she did, was her holding on and you letting her instead of you reaching back.
She feared letting go. But then she did. And she watched as you dropped fast and faded. She was left only with the memory of what you used to be and someone she so deeply believed in.
Even though you were long gone far before she let go and gave up on you.
It just took her a little longer to catch up.
Her friends look at it with relief and knowing she’s better off without you, but she’s overcome with the heartbreak of what she feels she lost. But it wasn’t her loss.
It was a one-sided relationship only she valued. A one-sided relationship she worked to maintain. A one-sided relationship that didn’t need effort on both sides, because she was exerting all of her into it trying to maintain this.
It’s not fair that she’s the one who had to get hurt in all this. But she deserves so much more.
They always say when someone leaves, that’s when you find out how the other person really feels. And while I don’t know what you say about her, I know she’s the type who won’t sit there and bad mouth you or get angry over it. Instead, she looks at it all grateful to have had you in her life, even a little while. She still talks about you in the best of light. She doesn’t let a bad ending change the memories that were good.
Sometimes it’s harder that way.
It’s easier to say you hate this person than admit you’re hurt, you’re disappointed, you’ve been let down. Anger masks pain and that’s why so many relationships end so badly. Instead of remembering how you care, you are overcome with an ugly emotion you let consume you, rather than admit what you are really feeling under the surface.
But she’s not like that. She refuses to let you turn a heart she knows is valuable into something dark. She refuses to let pain change her.
So she feels through it. She feels through your absence. She feels through the pain. She feels through those moments she wants to reach out to you, but she knows she shouldn’t.
She wears these feelings that most can’t process with a little bit of grace.
Even though it hurts and she has moments of missing you, that pain is an indication you mattered. And she’ll never take that from you or pretend you weren’t someone who played such a vital role in her life.
She still has her moments.
When a song comes on and she freezes. When a line in a book takes her back. Where she’s met with your ghost on certain roads and in certain places, thinking back to a time when things were different between you.
She reaches for her phone to type a message, but realizes even if it gets delivered, so much has changed between you two. Familiar strangers caught somewhere between a common past and a future that doesn’t include one another.
But she would have continued to walk with you if you didn’t deliberately lose her along the way, and in desperate attempt to try to find you, that’s when it hit her you didn’t want to be found.
And that’s when she let go.
Maybe you saw it too. Maybe you felt it. Maybe you knew she deserved better than anything you were ever able to give her or reciprocate.
What she looks at as painful and a loss that keeps her up at night, maybe was the kindest thing you could have done for her.
I wonder in the end if your motives were that pure? I wonder if you thought about her at all? I like to believe you were as good as she made you out to be. But sometimes I question it. I wonder if any of it was even about her or maybe she was some ego boost along the way??
She built you up without needing anything for herself. She gave without your ability to reciprocate it. She loved you unconditionally and with everything she had. And sometimes things don’t work out, because the other person deserves better.
You broke her. But it was the best thing you probably didn’t even mean to do, because you gave someone else a chance to love her the same way she loved you.