She thought you were gone. Like really gone this time.
How do you miss someone who isn’t even yours to keep? But you do.
You think back to the good memories and the good conversations and everything that made you smile about the person.
But the part you leave out is all the bad moments that brought you to your knees.
Then your name popped up on her phone. Usually, she sleeps through any noise but this time she woke up to see exactly how long you waited to answer, just to say one word back. Why? Why now? Why answer so late when there’s nothing really to say?
So she falls back to sleep and your name pops up again days later. A different app and different conversation starter. Like you know exactly what to say to get her to respond to you.
And the truth is she wanted to answer. She wanted to talk to you. She wanted to know how you were doing. She wanted to tell you everything going on in her life since you “left” …again.
Your coming and going should be something she’s used to, but she’s never been one to handle goodbyes with grace.
But you didn’t leave, you just lingered choosing to come and go as you wanted to.
She didn’t answer and it wasn’t because she didn’t want to hear from you or she stopped caring.
She can probably tell you how many days she sat waiting for you to answer. Waiting for your attention. But after one, two, or three messages ignored, she heard you loud and clear.
Her lack of response isn’t a sign of disrespect. It isn’t giving you a taste of your own medicine. It isn’t making some move in this game of the rules you created and recreated so many times, just when she thought she had you figured out.
She didn’t answer because it hurts too much to. To cave and have you ignore her again, because that’s always how it goes.
She texts you, you ignore her.
You text her, she responds, then you decide when you want to give her your attention.
Like some game, she didn’t even ask to participate in.
You had the upper hand, having her wrapped around your finger and holding her without touch.
She has to ignore you for her own good, even though it kills her to do so.
She types just to erase and retype only to put down her phone, because she knows she shouldn’t push send.
This is what happened when she wasn’t ignoring you, when she was giving you her time and attention and doing backflips trying to get you to notice her, you didn’t. Her effort wasn’t noticed or appreciated or valued.
You left her feeling so empty trying so hard to appease you.
You left her feeling like she was the one inadequate not measuring up to you.
How dare you make her feel like she was hard to love when in reality, you were the one incapable of loving her the right way.
Maybe in her absence, you will regret not appreciating her presence.
She shouldn’t have to leave to make you realize that. But what if that is what it takes.
Every time she answers and she thinks this time it will be different, you don’t seem to change.
She gives away a piece of her heart and you walk away with it like it’s nothing and like it’s easy for her, but she loses a piece of herself every time you go. And hurts more when you think you can come back so casually.
She has to ignore you for her own good, because she’s the one that gets hurt when she doesn’t.