I Never Wanted Us To Become Strangers.

When I think back to where we were and where we are now it hurts sometimes.

You were the conversations every day. The company I always enjoyed. The welcome guest who didn’t even have to tell me you were coming. You were the door that was always open and the company at 2am. You were the shots I took smiling as you paid for the tab, and the drunk confessions where even without saying too much we both knew something was there. You were the person I always looked at with such admiration. Someone who helped me, pushed me, and believed in me in moments where I didn’t believe in myself.

You were the whisper in my ear of things that made me smile like they were secrets all our own. A kiss on the cheek before we parted ways. The lunch dates where I’d look at you across the table with a bit of a smirk wondering. You were the notifications no matter what I posted. I didn’t know a like could mean so much, but it did when it was your name.

You were this emotional connection I couldn’t explain.

Then somewhere along the way we lost each other a bit.

We became the friendly nods and casual conversation when we’d see each other out. Asking how the family was and remind them you said “hello.” You were the name that always made my head turn in the crowd if someone said it, hoping maybe I’d see you there. But seeing you anywhere always hurt a little bit, because I remember a time when it was me standing next to you.

I never wanted us to become strangers because you took the time to learn me. And it wasn’t just learning me, it was a history we had together seared in my memory not to be forgotten. You can’t just ignore something like that or pretend it didn’t happen.

My friends stopped bringing you up in conversations or telling me when they saw you out. The truth is, I didn’t want to know who you were with and if it was her. They’d look at me and my face would drop and expression would change and I’d say something like “I just don’t understand.”

There really was no understanding of why things played out the way they did. I didn’t want you to be some lesson I had to learn the hard way. Another name on some list of people who did me wrong.

You were different. I still look at you when we cross paths with the same respect and admiration. Because when I really needed someone, you were there. I still think of you and my heart flutters a bit. In the moments your name will casually appear on my phone I smile, like, and reply to a text quickly.

I realized how much we both have changed.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I changed for the better, because I knew you. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy to have you in my life, even if I couldn’t keep you. I never wanted us to become strangers, but maybe we had to.

But of the things I know that are true is, we might lead different lives and have parted ways, but I’ll always look forward to the next hello.

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You WILL Get Over Them.

I remember a time when I’d fall asleep crying myself to sleep. You’d meet me in my dreams that haunted me. I’d wake up and there was a pain that physically hurt. Wanting to just lay in bed and dwell over a relationship ending. A relationship in which I truly believed you were the one. Overcome with a loss that felt more like mine than yours. I guess that’s what happens when you love someone more than they loved you.

I’d go out drinking and my friends would watch me take shots with no chaser knowing the night would end with my crying talking about you as they held back my hair and I vomited. I’m not proud of the things I did to try to forget you. Drowning myself in anything I could only to realize you were with me everywhere.

Looking at my phone wanting to text you, knowing I shouldn’t but doing it, anyway. Another fight full of hateful words where it was like we were trying so hard to hurt one another more than we might have already.

Turning into a complete psychopath trying to do everything I could to not let go. I think it’s only really love when you act crazy trying to revive it. Doing everything you possibly can to win them back.

You’ll realize later it’s not supposed to be that difficult.

Going on dates wishing it was you sitting across from me. Apologizing to the person in front of me because they tell you to date, but what happens when you aren’t ready for it?

Hooking up with people just because and realizing a physical relationship puts a band-aid on it for a moment, but then I’d wake up even more lonely.

Wondering how something so good turned me into someone I wasn’t.

What everyone fails to realize at the end of relationships are the really intense and emotional ones end badly, because there is no graceful way to end something that was good.

The days that went slow and people trying to comfort me, but there wasn’t anything anyone can say to change what had happened.

Working out more than I ever have in my life because I thought if I changed, I could win you back.

Falling apart when I deleted you on social media because that’s when I really knew it’s over. Deleting your number and crying as I did just so I wasn’t tempted to text you. Removing tags from pictures before you beat me to it, but saving them on my phone. A removed tag didn’t make me forget the past though, it just made it hurt more.

It was seeing you everywhere. In every song. On every street. In every place. Waking up and remembering when you used to lay right next to me.

Everyone said give it time and I would heal.

But when you are heartbroken and getting over someone time feels like it’s completely frozen and there is no moving on and even if you try to the thought of them not in your future and in your life makes you feel so empty.

I talked to anyone who will listen as if replaying things like that would help me to understand why it ended in the first place.

Waking my friend up at 3am because I had never been that sad before in my life and I was scared of what this pain turned me into.

That’s heartbreak and your first one, that one that really brings you to your knees and changes you.

There isn’t a pain in the world like it and there isn’t anything someone, including myself, can say to make it go away or make you heal faster.

But one day you are going to wake up and it’s not going to hurt as much and you aren’t going to think about them as often. And you’ll watch yourself start to heal.

You’ll hear your song and it won’t make you cry.

You’ll date again and see parts of them in others and smile.

You’ll see pictures and remember how good it was at one point and be happy to have even had that.

Then they come back. Because when it was real love at any point, they always have a way of coming back into your life.

And maybe it won’t turn into another relationship or trying again. Maybe you’ll just try to be friends. Maybe you’ll look back at it all laughing. History has a way of bonding people. I truly believe you always find your way back if the feelings were true and genuine.

You’ll realize though what’s changed is you and you don’t want them back. A part of you will always love them and love what you had, but you aren’t that person anymore.

They’ll text you and hit you up. Once upon a time, that would have made your stomach flip a hundred times as you carefully crafted what to say back. Now you pick and choose when to answer.

This person compliments you and your attitude that might have been filled with hope if they said that a while ago is replaced with a confidence of “I know.”

You get over them and it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but you’ll realize you really can live, function, and thrive without them.

Those desperate attempts you made trying to win them back will be just lessons learned, because you’ll realize you’re the one who deserved more.

And when enough time passes they are going to start to miss you too. Miss the way you made them feel about themselves, because you loved them so honestly and with everything you had.

And they are going to tell you everything you always wanted to hear. But everything they say is going to be a little too late, because they had their chance.

Then what is going to happen is you choosing to walk away.

You look at yourself in the mirror and realize you made it and you did it without them.

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I Don’t Want To Change How Much I Care.

Sometimes I wish there was a heartbreak deep enough to change me. Like I finally met my match that would force me to be a little more protected and guarded. Someone who would hurt me so badly I’d learn to be a little more careful when it comes to matters of the heart.

I always swear when I’m holding back tears and hurt yet again, “next time I won’t let someone in so easily. I won’t give them my all.”

I’ll invest just a little bit and play that game you’re supposed to, caring but pretending you don’t. Seeing a message, but not answering. Making them wonder how I feel.

If feelings were like a deck of cards and I’d have to keep a straight poker face, I’d lose every time. Even when I think I’m being coy and clever once my heart decides that’s it.

I don’t seem to change.

I still jump into relationships with both feet. I don’t dabble in even trying to talk to more than one person or have multiple relationships. That’s not who I am. I take chances hoping maybe these acts of being kind and fearless, even though I’m scared will be met with a different ending where it isn’t me picking up the pieces of a heart I gave away too quickly.

I’ve always believed in love stories, fairy tales, and happy endings. Maybe I’m naive to believe the things I’ve seen in movies could transpire into my real life. I’ve always looked at characters and relationships in T.V shows like that was something I wanted growing up. I’ve always listened a little too closely to lyrics, wondering about the person who wrote the song and who they wrote it for. I’ve always looked at couples in love, as I walk down the street never with envy or jealousy, but overcome with joy for them that they found someone. Knowing very well my time will come.

Pain. Disappointment. Heartbreak. All things I wear a little too comfortable sometimes. But despite all that, I still believe in love and good relationships.

I still believe that we are all one person and one chance away from finding the person who makes us realize why it didn’t work out with someone.

So I hold my breath and I jump right into things and invest my entire heart into people who might not even deserve it. But maybe I can give them something to believe in too.
It seems people who are like myself always attract and find these relationships that attempt to suck the life out of us. Toxic people who need something and when you are someone who gives so easily, you try a little too hard. You look at them a little closer than most. You see something in them. But the cost is hurting yourself loving someone who can’t love you back.

But even those people I believe in. The ones who change because of heartbreak and the pain they’ve endured. The ones who have stories of the past that is so painful, but it’s what makes them beautiful. And that moment they trust you enough to tell you. They too, are one person and one good relationship away from being dragged out of the darkness they’ve allowed to hide themselves in.

And I’ll admit I’ve always tried to be that light for them.

That’s always where I get caught. Somewhere between what I want and what I know, I deserve, struggling to walk away and give up on people.

Because that’s the thing about it, the people who wear their hearts on their sleeve and takes chances on people know real love.

I’ve learned about love from those who couldn’t love me back. I’ve learned about love from the chances I’ve taken. Loving them at their worst. From the tears, I’ve cried. From the moments I poured my heart out to people and told them exactly how I felt and what they meant to me.

Most have felt it. Some deep connection between us that will bind us long after we part ways in each other’s lives. People who wear their heart on their sleeve change the way others love showing them exactly how to do it.

If there are three words I say often it’s I love you. Not to hear it back just so the person knows.

For so long I’d repeat to ears I knew weren’t mute but if I kept trying, I’d hear it back. And honestly, that moment someone who is guarded and jaded, the ones who swore off love and relationships, that moment they say it back, I know I’ve won.

Someone has to believe in love and be the example other people can follow.

There are moments I wish I was different. Times when I wish I didn’t feel things so deeply. Where I didn’t hurt so hard and love so much. But I do.

And I’ve learned it’s both and a blessing and a curse to be like this. I learned that I don’t want to change. I don’t want to feel less even if I have moments where it hurts so much to be this person.

Because if I change then I know they’ve won. Every person who has hurt me. Every relationship that has ended. Every bad one that made me question everything. I don’t ever want one of those relationships to influence what I believe in and what I believe this most in is love and good relationships, even if my experience and knowledge comes from living through the complete opposite.

I believe in taking chances.

I believe in hopping on a plane for someone you love and putting it all on the line.

I believe in three words changing someone’s life.

I’m never going to be the person who is good at relationships or playing hard to get. But I am good at loving people and that’s enough. That’s enough to believe in and hope for and keep trying for until I get it right.

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Falling Into The Right Relationship.

Falling into the right relationship happens quickly with a little more certainty. It’s someone looking at you and it just feels different. It’s someone taking your hand you’re not scared to follow their lead.

Falling into the right relationship means your texts get answered quickly. And plans are something they follow with. It’s their word you can trust, when in the past you were doubtful of everyone.

Falling into the right relationship means falling together and knowing you’re not the only one.

It’s the conversations that are sometimes difficult, but you talk things out.

It’s figuring out what the person likes and dislikes and trying to do what you can.

It’s listening to what they say and remember the finite details.

Falling into the right relationship is that moment you delete any dating app you have because you don’t need to look anymore.

It’s a night out with your friends and they just take notice you’re a little happier than you used to be as you talk about him.

Falling into the right relationship are those nights out where someone hits on you and it’s flattering, but you think back to the person you’re going home to and you politely decline because you already have something great.

It’s not needing the time and attention of someone else because you know one person is enough.

It’s making sure you aren’t leading someone on or flirting because you remember what it was like to be that person. The one was in the dark about a relationship the other person didn’t bother to tell you about, and you remember what it was like to feel like a fool.

Falling into the right relationship means meeting their family and being excited too, because you want everyone to know whose been making you so happy lately.

It’s a future you’re not uncertain of and the past that suddenly doesn’t matter anymore.

Falling into the right relationship means sleeping with one person and it being enough. It’s wanting only them because as you get to know them more the better everything gets. It’s every touch and every kiss that just feels right.

It’s the goodbye you want to prolong. The five more minutes in bed. The parting ways as you watch them leave.

Falling into the right relationship is about honesty. It’s telling your partner about the relationship you had with someone when they ask about the person. And they do it in such a way it’s casual, but you know they suspect the person you say is just a friend. You tell them everything because you want them to be secure. It’s not hiding things, because you don’t have to. It’s regardless of history you might have with someone, that doesn’t light a match to what you have now.

It’s wanting your partner to be confident and secure in you and the relationship. It’s not a desperate attempt to try to make them jealous or wonder who you are with.

Falling into the right relationship doesn’t mean you drop every friend of a different gender. It’s about making your partner feel confident in your relationship that those things don’t even matter or they don’t think twice about it.

It’s knowing if they were to look through your phone they wouldn’t find anything you’d have to explain. Because you aren’t texting people the way you are texting them. You aren’t thinking of people the way you think of them. You aren’t allowing people to cross that line and if ever they try to, you shut it down. It’s about the respect you have for both your relationship and the person.

Falling into the right relationship are about the little moments that begin to mean everything.

It’s the dinners as they grab your hand across the table.

It’s when you toss and turn at night, they just pull you in closer.

It’s a look at a party and neither of you need to say more because you’re thinking the same thing.

It’s the smell of their perfume that you’ve grown to love.

It’s the surprises because you want to make them happy. Because their happiness is part of your own.

It’s laughing a little too loudly together that people look but you don’t care.

It’s showing affection because you want to because you can’t get enough of it.

Falling into the right relationship are the thoughts that wander as you daydream and they are the only one you are thinking of.

It’s looking at someone and just knowing even if you’re scared, doubtful, or unsure that just maybe this time you won’t get hurt.

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