What Panic Attacks Are Like For Me.

Anxiety is not fiction.

Many who have never dealt with this ailment dismiss it as an excuse by those who suffer from it to get out of mundane tasks or work requirements. Much like ADHD or mood disorders, anxiety is not something that can necessarily be seen or proven when you are the sufferer struggling to explain yourself to someone who doubts that your night sweats and inability to turn your brain off in the wee hours of the morning, are not something you are making up to take a vacation day. Our life is not a vacation.

Anxiety is real. Panic is not made up. Owning, getting help to overcome, and learning to cope with your anxious feelings is critical to finally living your life and not simply existing.

This is what an anxiety/panic attack feels like to me (I been experiencing them the past 3 days now).

It is 3:00 in the morning. I wake up from a dead sleep, sit straight up, and immediately know something is wrong. I am sweating, nauseous, and feel as if someone has dumped a bucket of ice water onto my chest. I feel it spill down my abdomen and through my arms and legs. My chest feels as though a giant’s hand is squeezing it with the intention of taking my life.

I feel like I am dying.

“Call the emergency squad!” I yell to my boyfriend. I refuse to go to the doctor for fairly major complaints, so he knows I am serious.

In the minutes that pass before the EMT arrives, I move to the couch, clutch my chest because the pain is more intense than labor contractions.

I feel like I am dying.

When the medical personnel take my vitals, my heart rate has soared above 136 and my breathing is rapid and short. The sweating has slowed, but I am nauseous and dry heaving. It takes about 30 minutes for the aides to update my stats and explain that they think I may be having a minor heart attack or have blood clots going to my heart. They say I need to get to a hospital.

Hours and lots of tests later, the doctors say I am having a panic attack.

I was diagnosed with mental illness since I was a kid, but I was actually in my 30’s before I knew anxiety was real. I had lived my life with these feelings, never knowing that everyone else wasn’t experiencing the same thing. I then reached and asked about my symptoms. That is when I got back on my medications. I am on anxiety medications and antidepressants, I will be taking them for the rest of my life, I never should’ve come off them when I did. But, they meds works and have changed my life.

Nothing could have helped me prep my body or mind for the feelings that flooded my body when it was in full panic.

When I was in the middle of my panic attack, there was no person, no statistic, no test that could have convinced me that I wasn’t living my last moments on earth. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare where my boyfriend was in my line of sight, but out of reach.

All at once, I thought I would never see my hopes and dreams come true.

All in a moment that may have lasted hours or seconds, everything came to a halt. The word panic doesn’t seem to reach the sensations I felt during those minutes and hours. My body ached, my insides contracted and felt ice-cold, my chest was tight and I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart hurt more than any pain I’ve felt. What was worse was the paralyzing, gripping fear, sheer and utter incapacitating fear, that I was leaving so many things undone.

Never doubt someone who suffers from symptoms they cannot show you. Some people are dishonest, but those with mental and emotional struggles wouldn’t wish what they go through on anyone, not even their worse enemy. They surely wouldn’t write it as fiction.

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