It’s Okay.

It’s okay to think of them when you hear a song on the radio. It’s okay that you look for them in certain places when you go somewhere that used to be your spot. It’s okay to look back at your instagram to a time when they were in the pictures. As well as a main character in your life.

It’s okay to want to text them like you used to. It’s okay to post something hoping maybe they’ll see. It’s okay to dwell in the past sometimes of someone you thought would be in your future. It’s okay to miss the good parts, even though there was some bad.

It’s even okay to break down sometimes. It’s okay that you still feel something when you hear their name. It’s even okay you still think of them sometimes when you’re with someone else.

It’s okay to even compare them sometimes. Because we all do that. It doesn’t mean your feelings for the person now mean anything less. It doesn’t mean you aren’t over it because we all have our moments when we aren’t sometimes. But healing is a process. And it can happen at the same time you’re falling for someone new.

I think when you miss someone, it just proves that they did matter at one time or another. But missing someone, does not mean you want them back.

It doesn’t mean you have to text them or like their instagram or look at their story. It doesn’t mean you have to catch up just because it’s been a while, and you’re curious. It doesn’t mean you have to avoid them when you see them out, because it hurts. It doesn’t mean you have to lie when your boyfriend asks, “who he is?”

Be honest with yourself about how you do feel. Feel through the parts of missing them. Even if it’s uncomfortable.

It’s okay to miss someone and keep moving on with your life. Missing someone is just a part of the healing process. And sometimes it never goes away entirely. But it isn’t your job to feel guilty about feelings you can’t control. What is in your control, is how you let it affect you and every relationship.

If you let this, the standard no one else can compete with, everyone who tries will fall short. Because you’re building them up to a place they don’t even deserve to be. If you let this haunt you, your past will be something you look back at negatively and you won’t heal.

You can miss someone without complete self-destruction while doing so. Because it’s okay to miss someone, but still not want them back.

Remember that if someone left whether they had good reasons to or not, there was purpose for it. Maybe they were only meant to be characters in passing. Maybe they were meant to teach you something. Maybe they were there to teach you about love that comes and goes. The truth is, when someone touches your heart that deeply and you miss them, they are never truly gone, because you carry them with you and that’s okay.

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Whatever.

This is me not painting some false reality of words I wish you said and looking closely at the things you do. This is me judging your actions over your words because you said you care, but you did nothing to prove it. This is me no longer trying because I’m tired of hearing you’re busy. I’m tired of the responses that come 3 days too late. I’m tired of reading too much into mixed signals that don’t actually mean a thing. But I want them to.

This is me walking away and not getting my hopes up or getting used to you, because all you do is leave when you want to. This is me not looking back even when I want to, because I want to know if you’re watching me as I go. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of showing I care more than I should.

This is me pretending not to care because I really want to answer your text, but I know it’s best I shouldn’t because all we do is run in circles. This is me not thinking much of the fact you just blew up my news feed liking things I wish you didn’t. Looking at stories first I wish you hadn’t. But you linger reminding me you’re still there.

This is me pretending not to care and if ever anyone would ask, I don’t look at your Instagram or Facebook just to see how you’re doing. Thinking back to a time when I used to know that answer.

This is me pretending not to care because I hate thinking back to a time when you were the one I talked to every day and the Good Morning text I loved waking up to.

This is me realizing I deserve someone who wants to wake up next to me and you were never going to be that person…be what I needed.

This is me realizing you’re someone I can’t trust any more even though there were moments I confided in you about everything. Moments where you meant so much to me and I thought it was mutual.

This is me pretending not to care because I didn’t deserve to be lied to, led on or fucked with just because you were unsure. Regardless, I fell for every line so foolishly thinking just maybe you wouldn’t hurt me too.

This is me looking at you for who you are, not the person I wanted you to be.

This is me trusting my friends more than myself, because none of them understood what I saw in you. But I didn’t want to give up on you. But looking back, maybe I should have.

This is me pulling back on my effort because you didn’t deserve it in the first place. This is me pretending not to care all those times you disappointed me. All those times you didn’t show up when you swore you’d be there. All those times you made up lies of why you had to cancel. All those times I did so much leaving you to do so little, but you couldn’t even do that.

This is me pretending not to care because I know I deserve better, even in the moments I thought you were the best.

This is me pretending not to care because it hurts to look back at the good times we had together, because it wasn’t all bad and you weren’t so horrible. I think back to every laugh and every memory I hold so close to my heart. All those times you did help me, make me better and happier. Every time we parted ways I meant it when I said “I love you.”

This is me pretending not to care because I hate the fact we didn’t end up together. I hate analyzing things and wondering why and thinking it was me or something I did wrong.

This is me pretending not to care because I hate thinking it was me who fell short of what you deserved when I tried so hard to be it.

This is me pretending not to care because it’s easier to say, “I don’t care” than admit you hurt me as much as you did. Admit you shook up my life just by being in it, and how much you affected me every time you walked away.

This is me pretending not to care because I think part of me always will. Part of me will always look for you in the places we used to go together. Part of me will always turn my head sharply when I hear someone call your name. Part of me will secretly wish it’s you just so I could see you again, but at the same time, knowing it’s better if I don’t.

This is me pretending not to care because I wish I could hate you and you probably deserve it, but I know deep in my heart I never actually will and I’ll always be grateful to have had you, even if you weren’t mine to keep.

tenor